How do I get over her health issues?

[veggirl]

why willingly sign up for a life of drama and constant health issues and complaining if you don't have to? This type of stuff is a dealbreaker for me early on, I'm not invested enough to deal with your personal issues and if they are too trying, I just leave. There are too many people out there who are healthy, no sense in settling off the bat for some who isn't. Esp when it doesn't even sound like she does anything to improve her situation. Turn off.

 

Its different when issues develop after you've established a relationship/history/love. But to knowingly date someone with major health issues or mental issues...nah, too many other options for me personally.

[Destined2B]

Let me clarify a few things:

 

Her food allergies and back/ joint pain are genetically predetermined, from what she told me. They are real health issues. Not something that she fakes.

My problem with that is I feel shallow for thinking of rejecting a person for what she has no control over. On the other hand I feel worried that being in a long term relationship with this person will not be an enjoyable experience.

 

Another thing that bothers me is that despite her existing health issues, she is undetermined to live a healthy life style of not smoking, getting enough sleep and not stressing. So she further aggravates her already existing health complications, all while still looking perfectly healthy on the surface.

 

Why am I still with her? No one has ever been this kind, thoughtful and sweet to me.

She promises me that she will change once we start LTR.

[lollipopspot]

On the other hand I feel worried that being in a long term relationship with this person will not be an enjoyable experience.

 

Regardless of if you think it's shallow, it's a fair consideration if you don't want to enter into a relationship at this point with someone who has health challenges. You get to choose. You can't predict the future, and you or the person you're with may develop health challenges, but at this point you would be entering into a relationship with someone with this known issue.

 

Why am I still with her? No one has ever been this kind, thoughtful and sweet to me.

She promises me that she will change once we start LTR.

 

You cannot count on anyone changing. You get into a relationship with the person they are NOW.

 

So you have to figure out if the way she treats you sufficiently offsets her health challenges.

[angel.eyes]

You are going to have to figure out what matters most to you. No one is perfect. We all compromise around the edges, but you have to be clear about your deal breakers. Only you can make that determination.

[Ruby Slippers]

My problem with that is I feel shallow for thinking of rejecting a person for what she has no control over. On the other hand I feel worried that being in a long term relationship with this person will not be an enjoyable experience.

No one has any control over the hand they're dealt, in terms of health, looks, economic station, etc. But it's reasonable to want a relationship with someone on the same page in terms of these and many other facets of our personality, physique, background, etc. A person born with a low IQ, for example, had no control over that, but I'm not going to be able to have a happy, stable relationship with a man like that. It's not shallow. It's just a fact.

 

I would not want to be involved with a romantic partner with multiple health issues they complained about, especially when they smoked and did other things to compromise their health further. I'm healthy, strong, and active, and intend to stay that way for the rest of my life. I've had minor health issues over the years, but I've taken the initiative to learn about them and adjust my diet, exercise routine, and habits to minimize them.

 

Of course age takes its toll, but if a person is already struggling with their health during the time that's supposed to be their prime, that's not a good sign.

 

She promises me that she will change once we start LTR.

Change doesn't work like that. If anything, she will relax more when you get into a long-term relationship. People are always on their best behavior in the early days, so this is generally about the best it's going to get.

[stillafool]

....lifestyle factors she is certainly making it worse- smoking, stress, poor sleep.

 

I never met a person who looked so healthy on the surface ( and who I was so physically attracted to) yet had all those underlying health issues.

 

 

Don't worry it will catch up to her. Let us know how she looks at 35.

[Gaeta]

Let me clarify a few things:

 

Her food allergies and back/ joint pain are genetically predetermined, from what she told me. .

 

That is another way of saying.....OH WELL, it's genetic, I can't do anything about it.

 

From what she told you....how about the doctor? She diagnosed herself with a genetic disease?

[Destined2B]

It just dawn on me, she does not want to take the pills because there is a gain of weight associated with the pills. Your girlfriend is showing symptoms of eating disorder, I wouldn't be surprised she is on her way to anorexia city. Joint discomfort and back pain can be caused my deficiency in important vitamins and minerals.

I actually suspected that too, but she has her period so I don't think she has an eating disorder.

I don't offer her anything exotic, just regular food- ice cream, crackers, pasta, chicken, chocolate. She eats all those things at her house, but never takes it from me because she wants to stick with the brands that don't cause her a reaction.

Wait. The pill makes her sick. How is it unfair that you will be using a condom all the time?

Do you think it's fair that she should endure the bad side effects of the pill just so you don't have to use a condom?

I'm not against using condoms, but if there is uncertainty that something leaked out in the process, then IMO she should be responsible enough to take measures on her end too.

[Maleficent]

I actually suspected that too, but she has her period so I don't think she has an eating disorder.

I don't offer her anything exotic, just regular food- ice cream, crackers, pasta, chicken, chocolate. She eats all those things at her house, but never takes it from me because she wants to stick with the brands that don't cause her a reaction.

 

I'm not against using condoms, but if there is uncertainty that something leaked out in the process, then IMO she should be responsible enough to take measures on her end too.

 

I don't know if you realize how douchey that comment sounds.

You can't seriously think she should be taking something that makes her sick do you?

[Ami1uwant]

I'm someone who has medical conditions that includes allergies to some foods....

 

I need to know more of her medical history in terms of getting tested or could this be something else.

 

The back/joint pain could be a separate issue or related to her dote.

 

It's possible she could be faking it or thinking it's allergies to something but it's really something different.

 

If you are trying to give her the same food she eats ...unless she knows what exactly she's allergic to she needs to trust you.

[Gloria25]

Yeah, I highly recommend you look into the details of her "conditions" if you want to be with her for the long term...

 

I mean, I've heard of people with certain allergies (i.e. eggs, chocolate), but seems like everything bothers your gf and that doesn't make sense to me...

 

Is she seeing a doctor/nutritionist for her condition?

 

Then about the back pain? Again, what causes it, what does she do for it?

 

I have chronic back pain but it doesn't stop me from being active, and I definitely have not "whinned" about it to a guy...that's just unattractive to me. Who wants to hear their SO moan and whine? I've also done things like going away from smelly stuff like Icy Hot or Bengay so me and/or my bedroom doesn't smell like a hospital.

 

Then about the BC? Oh gosh, I hated the pill...but I tried different stuff till I found what worked for me (i.e. arm implants)...

 

My point being, no body's body is perfect, but to not do much about it, burden your partner with it, and whine about it not something I'd do or expect in a mate...

 

But that's me....

[Blade96]

I have her food issues. boy do I ever. I'm intolerant to wheat, gluten, potatoes, lactose, casein, and dill pickles. Tomatoes also. Plus I have a number of food restrictions because I have gout. So that means there is little I can actually eat.

 

Ask her to do a food test. Eat a food and if she reacts than she knows what she can't have. When she knows that, then she can safely enjoy foods she knows she can eat without fear.

 

The back and joint issues could be caused by the allergies or intolerances that she has when she eats those bad foods. All my life until my mid 20's (when I figured out my problems, which are genetic btw) I was always constipated. Badly. When I figured out all my food issues and went on my very restricted diet, that all but disappeared. Tell her to try finding out which foods hurt, and then avoiding those foods, and see if her other issues improve too. It happened with me, it happened with my mom(who has the same problems as I)

 

It's hard to manage this, so tell her I feel her pain!

Edited September 26, 2014 by Blade96

[Destined2B]

I don't know if you realize how douchey that comment sounds.

You can't seriously think she should be taking something that makes her sick do you?

With regards to foods, I'm not not asking her to eat what I offer, I just find it concerning that she wouldn't eat anything for 7 hours while at my place. She could bring something of her own.

With regards to sex, it takes two people to responsibly enjoy the activity without unwanted pregnancy. She is unwilling to look into alternatives that don't make her sick, so what other options do I have if condoms aren't always reliable and stuff can leak out? Abstinence? That's exactly what I will propose next time I see her.

 

Thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I will talk to her about my concerns and find out more about her conditions.

[Arieswoman]

Destined 2B,

I'm sorry if I appear unsympathetic but a lot of this doesn't add up.

 

Her food allergies and back/ joint pain are genetically predetermined, from what she told me.

 

So has she been tested genetically and if so why? What is the name of the condition/disease/syndrome she has?

 

You say that the doctor has said that she has a problem with her pelvis that would make labour difficult. So what exactly is wrong with her pelvis? Has she seen a gynocologist/OBGYN ? Most women with a small pelvis can be delivered by cesaerean section. If she has slack pelvic ligaments then maybe should avoid pregnancy altogether?

 

You say that the pill makes her "sick". Is that "sick" as in vomiting, or "sick" as in unwell ? I never heard of the contraceptive pill making anyone vomit.

 

I just find it concerning that she wouldn't eat anything for 7 hours while at my place. She could bring something of her own.

 

This is odd. And coupled with her poor choice of lifestyle (smoking & poor sleep regime) makes me wonder if there is a psychological problem here.....

[GemmaUK]

I actually suspected that too, but she has her period so I don't think she has an eating disorder.

I don't offer her anything exotic, just regular food- ice cream, crackers, pasta, chicken, chocolate. She eats all those things at her house, but never takes it from me because she wants to stick with the brands that don't cause her a reaction.

 

So, how about buying in the brands she uses which she knows won't cause her a reaction?

 

I've dated guys and if they come to my place I get in foods they like or use regularly. I wouldn't expect a guy to bring a packed lunch/dinner if he was coming over to my place.

 

I'm coeliac and can eat bread, pasta, sauces (there's a whole host of things I can't touch) etc...but only if they are particular types (eg gluten free or a brand which doesn't have wheat, oats, barley, rye or malt).

 

What is her genetic condition?

[Toodaloo]

There is a BIG difference between someone being in pain/ discomfort all the time and someone moaning about it all the time.

 

I have been "ill" with random infections for the past 18 months. I have to be extremely careful with my health at the moment as my immune system is on its knees. At the moment I only have 2 infections (one in stomach and one in shoulder) so thats good. But I also have Fybro. This means that for the past 17 years I have been in pain every day. I don't know what it is like to be pain free any more... actually I do, and it was wonderful, but the doctors brought me back mores the pity...

 

I don't winge or whine about it because quite frankly its depressing enough with out reminding yourself... Hell I was up on my roof fixing it with in a week of being discharged last time... I got fed up and wanted to get on with something and my family stole my car to stop me from going back to work.

 

Hate to say it but this one will probably wear you down very quickly. I also suspect like others that she has other mental problems if she has such issues with food and goes on all the time.

 

Oh and condoms? You should be wearing them anyway. In this day and age an STD will ruin your life far more than a baby Condoms offer protection from both - the pill only from something that will eventually crash your car...

[ja123]

OP, I think you have valid concerns.

 

 

She really needs to get checked out by a doctor. She might improve with anti-depressants and talk therapy (including cognitive behavioural therapy, maybe schema therapy). There are groups and individual counseling available. Whatever she's stressed about is going to impact her health: not sleeping, dependency on cigarettes. She needs to get to the bottom of that with the proper support.

 

 

Plus she could look into having an evaluation for thyroid (blood test and ultrasound), Celiac Disease (blood test and biopsy), IBS, Crohn's, Diverticulitis, Iron (anemia) and vitamin/mineral deficiency.

 

 

Perhaps she can have her doctor refer her to get a colonoscopy, to see an endocrinologist, and possibly a rheumatologist.

 

 

It is a concern if she's at your place and doesn't eat for 7 hours.

 

 

She, especially, needs to look into leading a holistic lifestyle, including better eating, exercising, and sleeping.

 

 

You can refer her to Allan Carr's "Easy Way to Stop Smoking". She could also look at support groups to quit.

 

 

How long have you been dating her?

 

 

Have you talked to her about her issues and what concerns you have?

 

 

You need to talk to her about these things. Not only to voice your concerns, but to give her some information so she can get help, make a plan, and feel better in life (whether or not you stay with her).

 

 

My friend's late mother had numerous undiagnosed health problems. My friend was finally diagnosed with Celiacs and Diverticulitis in her mid-forties after searching for answers for years (including being told she had fibromyalgia and there was nothing that could be done, etc.) finally got the correct diagnosis. She really had to push to get answers and finally got the answers with biopsy and colonoscopy. The good news is that she's healthy now because she knows how to manage herself. She's feeling better and now has energy to go to the gym to boot!

 

 

I'm not saying this is what your GF has, btw. But my point is that my friend looks at her mother's symptoms and believes that her mother probably had the same issues which prevented her from living a happy and successful life.

 

 

Hopefully thing will improve for your GF.

 

 

But, if there's one thing we've seen on Loveshack, it's to take people as they are now without the hope of future change.

 

 

I think your concerns are very real and you're not a bad guy if you want to get out of the relationship before there is more personal investment.

 

 

You don't have to be someone's savior. That's not your job. There are lots of women in the world to date who will be nice to you in perhaps a similar way.

 

 

Good luck!

[veggirl]

Let me clarify a few things:

 

Her food allergies and back/ joint pain are genetically predetermined, from what she told me. They are real health issues. Not something that she fakes.

My problem with that is I feel shallow for thinking of rejecting a person for what she has no control over. On the other hand I feel worried that being in a long term relationship with this person will not be an enjoyable experience.

 

Another thing that bothers me is that despite her existing health issues, she is undetermined to live a healthy life style of not smoking, getting enough sleep and not stressing. So she further aggravates her already existing health complications, all while still looking perfectly healthy on the surface.

 

Why am I still with her? No one has ever been this kind, thoughtful and sweet to me.

She promises me that she will change once we start LTR.

 

tell her you'll "start LTR" once she changes.

 

Also I'm with the others, what specifically does she have? What genetic disease? What about brand X of chicken makes it okay but brand Y is not okay? sorry but she sounds full of s.hit....

[d0nnivain]

With regards to foods, I'm not not asking her to eat what I offer, I just find it concerning that she wouldn't eat anything for 7 hours while at my place. She could bring something of her own.

 

Not eating for 7 hours at your place & refusing to bring her food over to avoid getting sick from your food is definitely not right.

 

If you asked her what she can eat, took her shopping & let her pick it out, would she still refuse to eat?

 

As for the BC issue . . . combine condoms with the rhythm method. While that method alone, not having sex while she's ovulating, is not a good BC option combined with BC it could help. Also look into using a spermicide.

 

The Plan B emergency contraceptive day after method, is very dangerous & unhealthy used repeatedly rather than for true emergencies, like after a rape.