Sara88 Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 Hi, I need some advice here:) sorry if my English is a bit sloppy, but I'm not English mother tongue. Last week I met someone on a rather infamous site( tinder). After 3 days of chatting we decided to meet in person. I'm 26, I moved to the UK a few months ago, I'm still trying to " fit in" and meet new people, so that is why I decided to give online dating a try. On the other side, he is 39 year old, French, well educated, fairly successful in his career and, from what he said, he has been single for a while. He had never been married, no many meaningful relationships( he talked about his Uni girlfriend although he is almost in his 40s). He is very witty, chatty and overall, quite an attractive guy. We talked a lot about literature, travels etc. He invited me out for some drinks, dinner, and then a stand up comedy show ( a friend of his gave him two tickets, so he decided to invite me). The date went well, although I'm a bit shy at first, I think the conversation run smoothly. He also noticed my being shy, but said for him that was a positive thing. He seemed to genuinely enjoy my company, he talked about his family, job friends, his experiences abroad, our lives. It was as if I've known him for ages. During the play, he touched my arm and hold my hand. After the play ended, I decided to accept the invitation to his place, because I'm living outside London, and it was quite difficult to get back home. Plus it was raining a lot. At his place, one thing let to another and we ended up having sex. I'm not really happy about this, because I have never had sex on a first date or casual sex stories, but well, it happened. I'm a serial monogamist, so felt guilty afterwards. The sex wasn't great ( he came really fast), he was a bit embarrassed and said something about his age. I told him that it doesn't matter as I really enjoyed it, but he was a bit worried. It was an awkward moment. He also mentioned the " age gap" quite a lot in our conversations, so probably he is bothered by it. The next day we went for a long breakfast at a pub near his house and then he accompanied me to the station. When I got home I received a message from him saying " it was nice seeing you. Thank you for yesterday and today". In the next few days he contacted me only once, I initiated the conversation most of the times. To sum up, the situation looks like this: he hasn't invited me out again( we met last Friday), he always replies to my messages within a few minutes, he becomes chatty if I start texting first, but otherwise he won't initiate contact. What do you think, Is this the typical attitude of someone who is not interested? Would you try to contact him/invite him out or I should let go? I do like him a lot and I would definitely like to see him again, but I don't want to chase the guy/waste my time. Thanks for your input!
nerdlingZA Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 Well you've given him the power by having sex with him on the first date, he's laid back now and waits for you to chase him. I too always do this after I've unlocked a girl.
LoneIsland Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 He's obviously very concerned about the age difference and probably not sure if you are ok with it. If you want him, you probably need to assure him it is completely ok with you. I would say he isn't playing hard to get. Maybe a direct question via text of "Do you want to see me again ?" would get you his intentions. If the answer is yes, then you can give the chasing back to him by letting him decide when to meet next.
fred123 Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 i love how women say that they dont normally do one night stands. so then is this statement true? if a girl really likes you she will sleep with you very quickly?? clearly you liked him a lot to stay over and sleep with him? so next time i go out with a girl and she makes me wait surely thats a sign of low interest?
Redhead14 Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 I would not contact him again. Let him contact you if he is going to contact you. Don't think about it anymore and do something fun or good for yourself. Yes, asking him a question puts it back in his court, but it is still a result of your prompting. You still won't have any indication as to his own desire to contact you or see you again. At this point, you will still have reason to question his motives. He had sex with you, if he does come back, he may just be coming back to the well and when the thirst is quenched, he will drop off again. Sex makes it all cloudy from now on. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 He might be embarrassed by his sexual performance (there's really no need as it happens to most people at least once or twice, but many men are still humiliated by it and presume the girl will go right off them). He might think the age gap is too much and not want to pursue it. He might already be seeing other people too. He might be waiting to see if you pursue him a little, so that his ego doesn't get further bruised. He might have had fun but not see longterm potential in a woman who has sex quickly (in which case let him, I mean you didn't manage to do it alone did you!). It could be a billion things, you don't know him at all. The main thing for me would be that he's not pursuing me or showing interest. I would presume that if he liked me enough he'd try overcome ego issues if he wanted to see me again. I'd also presume that even if he was dating others too, if he thought highly of me he'd make the time to ask me out again. And so forth. So I probably wouldn't ask if he wanted to see me again. At most, I would possibly hint by asking what he's up to that weekend and then replying 'nothing much' when he asks back, although that makes you look as if you have no life and he could probably smell a hint a mile off anyway. Just thinking aloud here. Frankly, that's what Tinder is about for many people who use is. Meet someone for sex, move onto the next. I never used it in that manner and never slept with anyone from there other than the guy who became my now-boyfriend (and I didn't have sex with him until we'd become boyfriend/girlfriend), and found men I met with were respectful and generally didn't try it on for sex that fast either (I weeded the ones who obviously wanted that out early on and never met those). So unfortunately perhaps he is using it to meet people for casual sex, presumes you are too (because you slept with him so quickly) and now that's done and dusted he's lost interest. You met the guy almost a whole week ago and he hasn't asked you out again. It's dead in the water. If I were in that position and he asked me out again, the fact he left it a whole week would essentially mean my interest level had been rendered zero by now anyway. You deserve somebody excited to see you and spend time with you and who wants to take you out again soon because your company is amazing to him, and he doesn't want anyone else to get there first. It seems weird to do something so intimate as sex, and then be so casual about meeting up again, if he is interested. I don't think he is. Seven days is a long time to wait to ask somebody out again who you're interested in, especially when you already got naked together. Analyse it to death or move on. Forget about him, keep dating others. If he comes back and makes an effort to see you again you can reconsider but I doubt he will. 2
LoneIsland Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 I doubt the guy is a player. He would be thinking along the lines of finding someone permanent. He hesitates because he isn't sure someone much younger could work for him.
angel.eyes Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 Tinder is primarily used for hookups...and you guys hooked up. I think you're becoming emotionally invested in a guy who may not be on the same page. Honestly, he sounds like a player pulling a fade-out. The age gap wasn't a problem when he asked you out or when he invited you over to his place, but I bet it's one of the reasons given if you push hard to turn this into dating. He may come back for another hookup...but that's likely going to be it. Sorry. 2
Author Sara88 Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 i love how women say that they dont normally do one night stands. so then is this statement true? if a girl really likes you she will sleep with you very quickly?? clearly you liked him a lot to stay over and sleep with him? so next time i go out with a girl and she makes me wait surely thats a sign of low interest? For me that wasn't a one night stand, in the sense that I didn't go out with the clear intention of having fun. I'm not hypocritical about it. I don't have anything against casual sex, and I wouldn't be here to ask some advice, if that was the case. I haven't dated someone in a while, and I felt a certain connection with this guy and sex happened. Many, many people just don't have a spark after a first date including many who do not have sex on the first date. Maybe that was the case with him. Anyways I won't contact him again.
1Bhodhi Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 I think you're becoming emotionally invested in a guy who may not be on the same page. Honestly, he sounds like a player pulling a fade-out. The age gap wasn't a problem when he asked you out or when he invited you over to his place, but I bet it's one of the reasons given if you push hard to turn this into dating. He may come back for another hookup...but that's likely going to be it. Sorry. Ditto. He got what he wanted. If he wanted to be in contact with you, he would initiate, as well.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 No, I don't think he's overly interested. He got his hook-up out of it. The age issue is an excuse, in my opinion. It didn't bother him enough to stop him from inviting you out and then into his bed. I don't think I'd contact him again. If he wants to see you, he knows how to reach you. And as others have pointed out, Tinder is generally perceived as a hook-up app. If you're looking for a real emotional connection, it might not be the way to go. 1
Author Sara88 Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 Thank you for all your replies! He texted tonight, but he didn't say much at all. Just making conversation. He is probably trying to keep his options open. I think I will just move on.Life is far too short to pine over people who don't want to be with me 1
LoneIsland Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 If he doesn't want to be with you, why do you think he texts ? He's just hesitant, and non-pro you know ? He told you he didn't have much of relationships. How do you suppose he gets his experience from ?
angel.eyes Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 Non-pro? Hesitant? Inexperienced? He got someone who only gets intimate in relationships horizontal within hours of meeting her. He's not some awkward, nervous pimply teenage boy approaching his first crush. He's a player in his forties doing what he does on weekends...charming young ladies. (Sorry OP, I don't believe that 39 number he gave you. That's marketing and window dressing. It's a disease rampant among guys who claim to be 29 or 39.) 1
LoneIsland Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 They clicked. Everyone else can be jealous all they want. Of course the OP being new in town helped speeding things up. He's not much of a pro or he would have gotten a lot more girls. This is something only a guy would understand, and I shan't explain.
Emilia Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 If he doesn't want to be with you, why do you think he texts ? He's just hesitant, and non-pro you know ? He told you he didn't have much of relationships. How do you suppose he gets his experience from ? He is 39 and got sex out of a first date after the OP turning down his invitation. This guy is not naive. OP, you need to move on and please don't go for older guys that seemingly can't hold down relationships. There is a reason for that, you won't be the one to turn it around, you don't have the life experience for that in the first place. 1
Author Sara88 Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 If he doesn't want to be with you, why do you think he texts ? He's just hesitant, and non-pro you know ? He told you he didn't have much of relationships. How do you suppose he gets his experience from ? Facts speak louder than words. He didn't ask me out and no dates are on the horizon. I probably fead up his ego and keeps the texting because it makes him feel good. Or maybe the other women on tinder are pickier and he doesn't get much attention Thank you a lot for all your comments, they were very helpful.
Author Sara88 Posted October 5, 2014 Author Posted October 5, 2014 Sorry to revive this thread but I have a quick update: I backed off, the guy started to text me more and today invited me out for a coffee, knowing that I was in his area( he texted me to know what my plans were for the day).The date was pretty short because I was really busy, but he started to talk about dating in general and he said something like this " I like to play it cool. Nobody likes a desperate man, so even if I'm interested I don't really like to show my feelings". I don't know what to believe? Is this guy playing with me? This playing cool attitude is so immature. Sorry to insist with this thread, but this guy left me very confused.
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