1Bhodhi Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 I've been dating this guy for a few weeks (and we dated for a month earlier this year). The first time around, I asked him if he would like to forego seeing others and focus on getting to know each other. He said that he doesn't usually do that until after he's known a woman for a "long time". I bailed. Nearly three months later, during which time he'd contacted me several times, I started seeing him again. He is clearly still seeing other women. I decide to go along for the ride for a while. I mean, he's nice, nice looking, fun, educated, etc. but, really, the guy is clearly a 40-something year old player. We only see each other once a week for a date and sleeping together. This is not the "issue" at hand; just drawing a picture. We were out one night recently. He did something odd and I questioned him on it. I know, there was no reason to question his actions when he has never indicated that he's looking for a relationship but it just came out. What's done is done. Try not to get stuck on this part. He became indignant and I got an earful about how offended he was and that he has a hard time dealing with it when a woman doesn't trust him. I thought about it later. What ground does a player have to stand on in regard to wanting to be trusted? He is self-defining himself as a person who is unabashedly playing the field. What mature, educated woman would "trust" a man that is clearly out playing the field? Wondering if I am missing the boat on something here. Input?
Priv Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 The guy is not a player. He clearly tells you what he wants and is honest about it; something casual. So in what way can you not trust him? But if he was a 'player', so are you as you are happily playing along. 1
Zahara Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 It had nothing to do with trust. He got defensive when you questioned him and it was probably his conscience and his guilt that took a stab at him because he probably knows that his behavior isn't all that great. "What mature, educated woman would "trust" a man that is clearly out playing the field?" Mature and educated doesn't always translate to emotionally healthy and smart. I have a friend that is incredibly talented, successful career, kind and compassionate, mature beyond her years but when it comes to men, she's absolutely hopeless. 1
LoneIsland Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 He honestly told you he's a player, yet you still questioned him. That shows you don't trust him on things he say.
Redhead14 Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 He was honest with you when he told you he is seeing other people. There is no reason not to trust him. Dating more than one person does not a player make. It is not a good idea to sleep with someone without mutual commitment/exclusivity Period. He doesn't owe you anything except respect. You need to set your dating preferences and stick to them. Either you want a committed relationship short-term or long-term or you want a casual relationship with or without sex. It gets really gray when sex becomes part of the picture. A new study shows that some people do not get emotionally involved or upset after a one-night stand -- those people are called men. This is really a series of one-night stands. The woman usually gets hurt.
mammasita Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 But we have to get stuck on that part...... We were out one night recently. He did something odd and I questioned him on it. I know, there was no reason to question his actions when he has never indicated that he's looking for a relationship but it just came out. What's done is done. Try not to get stuck on this part. On what grounds do you have to question him when you know he's a player? I realize it just came out, but his response is warranted because well......you know what you're getting into and you should keep your comments to yourself if you want to continue dealing with him.
Author 1Bhodhi Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 The guy is not a player. He clearly tells you what he wants and is honest about it; something casual. So in what way can you not trust him? But if he was a 'player', so are you as you are happily playing along. He is a "player" in regard to his dating habits. But debating semantics is not the topic. I have dated two men in the last year and a half (three in the last three years), and the other I only went on two dates with. He never picks up the phone to chat, only texts to arrange dates, can't remember what he talked to me about last weekend, and occasionally confuses me with other women. (For example: He said something last weekend about us going to a particular restaurant again so soon, and we've never been to that restaurant together.) Yes, he is being upfront with me about what he doesn't want. I am not angry with him about his choice of lifestyle. I am making my own choices here. I completely own that. I do think it's rude and self-absorbed to not remember that we had a half-hour conversation last weekend about XYZ, and he does this often. His complaints about trust refer to the fact that neither his ex-gf or his ex-wife trusted him. (Yes, I saw/heard the red flag there.) For me, it's not an issue of "trust" because in my mind there isn't anything to trust (or mistrust, for that matter). To trust or not trust him would mean that I think we have a relationship, which we don't. He was the one with the issue about being "trusted".
Author 1Bhodhi Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 It had nothing to do with trust. He got defensive when you questioned him and it was probably his conscience and his guilt that took a stab at him because he probably knows that his behavior isn't all that great. "What mature, educated woman would "trust" a man that is clearly out playing the field?" Mature and educated doesn't always translate to emotionally healthy and smart. I have a friend that is incredibly talented, successful career, kind and compassionate, mature beyond her years but when it comes to men, she's absolutely hopeless. Point taken. You're absolutely right.
Author 1Bhodhi Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 It had nothing to do with trust. He got defensive when you questioned him and it was probably his conscience and his guilt that took a stab at him because he probably knows that his behavior isn't all that great. /QUOTE] This is probably it. I don't think he's a bad person or anything of the sort. I do think he knows that since I was interested in getting to know each other one on one a few months ago, that such a situation is my preference. I don't play games, I don't sleep around, I don't date around. This is my choice, just as his lifestyle is his choice. It's moot, really. This sort of situation isn't for me so I'm probably going to end it soon. Although after sticking his foot in his mouth last weekend, it kind of put a damper on the evening for me. It wasn't hard to tell that I was not quite as enthusiastic as usual, and I wouldn't be surprised if he just doesn't call again.
Author 1Bhodhi Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 But we have to get stuck on that part...... On what grounds do you have to question him when you know he's a player? I realize it just came out, but his response is warranted because well......you know what you're getting into and you should keep your comments to yourself if you want to continue dealing with him. Hmmm, I think that's pretty much what I said.
LoneIsland Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 Not really reasonable to expect him to remember his conversation with you or where you have or haven't been with him. He's a player. So he meet lots of people. All he can do is to do the best he can when carrying on a conversation.
Zahara Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 This sort of situation isn't for me so I'm probably going to end it soon. Although after sticking his foot in his mouth last weekend, it kind of put a damper on the evening for me. It wasn't hard to tell that I was not quite as enthusiastic as usual, and I wouldn't be surprised if he just doesn't call again. You've probably known this all along. And maybe the slip wasn't actually a slip but moreso you were hurt by what he did and expressed it. Instead of waiting around to see if he calls again, maybe it would be best for you to step away from the situation since you already know it isn't working for you. 1
Author 1Bhodhi Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 He was honest with you when he told you he is seeing other people. There is no reason not to trust him. Dating more than one person does not a player make. It is not a good idea to sleep with someone without mutual commitment/exclusivity Period. He doesn't owe you anything except respect. You need to set your dating preferences and stick to them. Either you want a committed relationship short-term or long-term or you want a casual relationship with or without sex. It gets really gray when sex becomes part of the picture. A new study shows that some people do not get emotionally involved or upset after a one-night stand -- those people are called men. This is really a series of one-night stands. The woman usually gets hurt. I've had a couple of long-term FWBs in the past. I have had a couple of guy friends that I've slept with a couple of times. I've not gotten hurt in any of these situations. But, generally, I agree with what you wrote. This man I've been seeing didn't tell me what he was all about until we were dating for a month. I already started to like him, and for me, FWBs need to be from the get-go before feelings start. He definitely doesn't owe me anything and I never ask for or about anything but I do feel like he is slacking on the respect part by not even being able to keep the women he dates straight in his head - and there have been some other occurrences that made me feel disrespected. Like I said above, it's probably time for me to cut it off anyway.
Author 1Bhodhi Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 You've probably known this all along. And maybe the slip wasn't actually a slip but moreso you were hurt by what he did and expressed it. Instead of waiting around to see if he calls again, maybe it would be best for you to step away from the situation since you already know it isn't working for you. I'm definitely not waiting around to see if he calls. I make plans and spend time with my friends, and I am being called and pursued by other men. I wasn't sure what to expect when I started seeing him again. I was open. We spent most of the weekend together the first weekend we saw each other again, and most of the next one, too. I thought we might either start to move forward as a new pair trying to get to know each other, or that things would go this way. And, well, things have gone this way. Yes, I guess I'm hurt on some level. We have a lot of matching components, and if he were interested in pursuing a relationship, I think things would be great. But he's not, and that's okay. I can accept him as he is but that doesn't mean I can continue dating him.
stillafool Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 It wasn't hard to tell that I was not quite as enthusiastic as usual, and I wouldn't be surprised if he just doesn't call again. But, you still had sex with him, didn't you?
Author 1Bhodhi Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 But, you still had sex with him, didn't you? You betcha.
Author 1Bhodhi Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 I'm definitely not waiting around to see if he calls. I make plans and spend time with my friends, and I am being called and pursued by other men. I couldn't edit the post above. I tried to edit the first paragraph to read as follows: I'm definitely not waiting around to see if he calls. I make plans and spend time with my friends, and I am being called and pursued by other men. I have spent some time with another man recently but I wouldn't call it a date. I don't date for the hell of it, just to get out of the house. I do spend time with friends, out and about and doing things.
fred123 Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 this is evidence of how women really are. guys treat them like crap and dont evencall yet women will still sleep with them.
angel.eyes Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 (edited) This man I've been seeing didn't tell me what he was all about until we were dating for a month. I already started to like him, and for me, FWBs need to be from the get-go before feelings start. Okay, a little tough love... It's not his responsibility to guard your heart. It's yours. Generally if he's not openly discussing that he's looking for a relationship, assume that he isn't. When the topic finally came up at a month, he made it very clear to you that he dates around. You could have raised the topic of exclusivity any time, especially since it's important to you and you know that you get attached early on. You waited until you were emotionally invested. Rethink this feeling of being misled. You're doing yourself a disservice and setting yourself up for a repeat of the same mistake. He definitely doesn't owe me anything and I never ask for or about anything but I do feel like he is slacking on the respect part by not even being able to keep the women he dates straight in his head - and there have been some other occurrences that made me feel disrespected. Your expectations seem a little unrealistic. You expect him to remember specific conversations or experiences you had (or rather didn't have) when he has women tumbling around all over his social calendar, and he has zero emotional investment in you. If you were in a relationship, yes that makes perfect sense. But you aren't. You're with a very busy, in-demand, casual multi-dater. Unfortunately it doesn't really bother him whether it's you or some other woman he's with in his life. When you walked away, he continued with his revolving door of women. He didn't cave and say fine, "I'll be exclusive." When you came back and agreed to his terms, you joined the rotation. You want the illusion of being different or unique or special to him in this lineup, and he's being crystal clear in all of his actions and words that you're just one of many. That's not disrespect, that's just honesty about where you stand with him and what you can continue expect. The lesson is don't bank on someone changing down the road. So don't compromise on your deal breakers. If he let you walk away the first time, there was no way he was going to change and commit to you when you came back anyway under his terms and fell lock-in-step with all the other women sleeping with him. Given what you want, you did the right thing to walk away the first time. Your mistake was coming back. You're rectifying that. It was a life experience. You can now move on to someone who would be a better fit. Edited September 26, 2014 by angel.eyes
OwMyEyeball Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 Who played who here? He was up front about his intentions and his greatest disrespect was absent-mindedness. This isn't about trust or respect. It's about realizing that you weren't #1 in his books and feeling upset about that. But hey, you only date to get out of the house and have plenty of men chasing you as it is so what's the big deal, right?
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