Guys perspective needed...perhaps woman as well

[Apaige]

So, I am going to make this whole post about me and my two year relationship with a guy that I've been seeing...(please no harsh remarks, just looking for advise)

 

I have been dating/in a relationship with a guy for two years now. I am divorced, been divorced, and separated now for 3 years...I know, I should have taken time for ME, and trust me, I would have, had I thought this would have gone anywhere. We met by accident, enjoyed each other's company, spent a lot of time together. We have great chemistry when we are together, I have NEVER laughed like I do as I do when I am with him. I think I actually love him, but b/c of my Ex's infidelities, I am just not sure. He used to say that he loved me, he used to want to spend any free time that he had with me...My insecurities got in the way...We broke up, (totally my fault) I worked on myself, started working with a therapist, my trust is still not there, but I am working on things. We started seeing each other again, I've been better, but things just aren't the same.

 

I am not a needy person, never have been...I've been living life on my own with my children, providing for them, working, and doing the everyday things...I enjoy my time with my family, but I also look forward to spending time with my, ummm (guy I am dating) I am 41 years old, and I have a hard time calling him my boyfriend. Is He? I don't even know...We now only see each other maybe 1, 2 nights a week. He runs a business, has full custody of his son (ex gets him at least 2 nights 3 days a week) he's very busy, but he makes time to do things like: Sunday night football, goes out with the guys on wave runners, plans to do a guy night on what would have been our night together (which I am okay with) but am I crazy because, I want more? I am not against guy night, nor the wave runner, nor Sunday or Monday night football, but couldn't I do this with him? We had a discussion last night, (prompted by me) about whether or not he will or wants to date other people. I thought we were safe after two years, but something just doesn't feel right to me lately. I feel like he is just pulling away (which is what my ex did just before he left me for another woman. I have been asked out by a few different guys, and not that I want to go out with anyone else, I don't want to pass up an opportunity if he is playing the field. He did tell me that he wasn't wanting to date anyone else, and that nothing has changed, but he'd let me know if it did....I just don't feel like a priority in his life anymore. Is he just not that into me anymore? Is it the two year bump with "what happens now?", or is this all it will ever be? As of today, I still don't want to ever get married again, I'd rather live on my own, But I do want the boyfriend/girlfriend things to come a long with this too... Am I dead wrong here? Am I asking too much? Or should I be okay with the occasional 1 to 2 nights a week that I spend with him?

 

Please don't be too harsh...I am not trying to whine, or make this about me, but it is. Dating in my 40's is a tough one. I haven't done this in over 26 or so years, and obviously things are so much different now a days..

Thank you,

[No Limit]

I think you should tell him all of that. He should understand perfectly why you're having trust issues, and there's nothing wrong wanting a BF/GF relationship - but, you should tell him so in case he wants more he can find someone who thinks similarly.

 

 

This has nothing to do with "It's been 2 years, now he wants to try something new", but I do think that he's unsure about where you two were moving to, if you were going anywhere at all.

 

 

You'll need to talk to him.

[PegNosePete]

I just don't feel like a priority in his life anymore. Is he just not that into me anymore? Is it the two year bump with "what happens now?", or is this all it will ever be?

A lot of questions, which nobody can answer since we don't have a crystal ball.

 

You need to talk to him about this. Tell him you want to progress the relationship (more contact) and ask if he wants the same. Then make sure his actions match his words.....

 

Am I asking too much? Or should I be okay with the occasional 1 to 2 nights a week that I spend with him?

Your feelings are totally valid, whatever they are. They are your feelings, not some kind of rule set that everyone has to stick to. If 1 or 2 nights a week is not enough to make you happy then you need to either increase the contact, or if he doesn't want to, decide for yourself whether you're happy with this relationship or whether you're better off finding someone whose time expectations closer match your own.

[thefooloftheyear]

So, I am going to make this whole post about me and my two year relationship with a guy that I've been seeing...(please no harsh remarks, just looking for advise)

 

I have been dating/in a relationship with a guy for two years now. I am divorced, been divorced, and separated now for 3 years...I know, I should have taken time for ME, and trust me, I would have, had I thought this would have gone anywhere. We met by accident, enjoyed each other's company, spent a lot of time together. We have great chemistry when we are together, I have NEVER laughed like I do as I do when I am with him. I think I actually love him, but b/c of my Ex's infidelities, I am just not sure. He used to say that he loved me, he used to want to spend any free time that he had with me...My insecurities got in the way...We broke up, (totally my fault) I worked on myself, started working with a therapist, my trust is still not there, but I am working on things. We started seeing each other again, I've been better, but things just aren't the same.

 

I am not a needy person, never have been...I've been living life on my own with my children, providing for them, working, and doing the everyday things...I enjoy my time with my family, but I also look forward to spending time with my, ummm (guy I am dating) I am 41 years old, and I have a hard time calling him my boyfriend. Is He? I don't even know...We now only see each other maybe 1, 2 nights a week. He runs a business, has full custody of his son (ex gets him at least 2 nights 3 days a week) he's very busy, but he makes time to do things like: Sunday night football, goes out with the guys on wave runners, plans to do a guy night on what would have been our night together (which I am okay with) but am I crazy because, I want more? I am not against guy night, nor the wave runner, nor Sunday or Monday night football, but couldn't I do this with him? We had a discussion last night, (prompted by me) about whether or not he will or wants to date other people. I thought we were safe after two years, but something just doesn't feel right to me lately. I feel like he is just pulling away (which is what my ex did just before he left me for another woman. I have been asked out by a few different guys, and not that I want to go out with anyone else, I don't want to pass up an opportunity if he is playing the field. He did tell me that he wasn't wanting to date anyone else, and that nothing has changed, but he'd let me know if it did....I just don't feel like a priority in his life anymore. Is he just not that into me anymore? Is it the two year bump with "what happens now?", or is this all it will ever be? As of today, I still don't want to ever get married again, I'd rather live on my own, But I do want the boyfriend/girlfriend things to come a long with this too... Am I dead wrong here? Am I asking too much? Or should I be okay with the occasional 1 to 2 nights a week that I spend with him?

 

Please don't be too harsh...I am not trying to whine, or make this about me, but it is. Dating in my 40's is a tough one. I haven't done this in over 26 or so years, and obviously things are so much different now a days..

Thank you,

 

As a guy in the same general age group, I dont see anything wrong with what he is doing...He's running a business, has his kids to worry about, then family and friends...The problem with divorced guys with kids, is they are never going to be fully free of that old life at least until the kids are emancipated, especially if they are required to pay big alimony and some guys still do stuff for their ex wives as they want to make sure everything is OK for his kids over there...

 

 

IME, most divorced guys i know your age dont want to be tied down....They want to get laid once in a while, spend some fun times, have a nice female companion to chat with or have a nice dinner-without heavy committments..I doubt he is out screwing other women...But I dunno...I think sometimes it boils down to just not enough hours in the day..

 

If you want more....then find someone else that has a different arrangement...Maybe no kids or estranged from them?...A more bland job.??..less committments..??

 

TFY

Edited September 25, 2014 by thefooloftheyear

[Redhead14]

The fact that you are sensing that he is pulling away is key here. I would let him pull away. Give him space and don't confront him about it. If he continues to pull away, you will have your answer. If he is tuned into you at all, he will sense that the distance is growing and if he's just rethinking things, etc. but really wants you, he will close the distance himself.

 

You could talk to him about it, but that may either just guilt him into not pulling away and then cause resentment causing other issues or just shut down.

 

I've found even for myself that if someone is trying to pull me in or I'm feeling controlled, I'll pull back harder. It's like when you receive unwanted attention from someone and they persist . . . you just want it even less.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I think you have not allowed an reassessment of your relationship with your mate.

 

Allowing things to just go as they please, and afraid of past issues, will make simple bumps turn out to be road blocks.

 

Taking time with your mate to address wants and needs, and weed out expectations and demands, will allow further growth.

 

Yes, you can be needy so don't feel bad. That happens on both sides, just finding a equilibrium to allow needy to be less and less so.

 

I know you have things kicking around as it is hard to get over a cheating ex.

 

Allowing him to know it, it is not that you don't trust him, just you still have the past eating at you. Having him understand, will allow him to reaffirm his commitment to you in your relationship, by being more caring in contact while being away. Not that you demand every time he goes out to call you every hour, just cares enough to give an update when he feels it has been too long being away. Could be a few hours, or a simple change in plan. I think if anything he needs to allow for consideration of you in his plans away as well as being with you.

 

There are many ways to work around this, as long as he loves and understands you, he can think of something that you both can allow to help alleviate and eventually remove your emotional distrust in men. It is not that difficult just have to talk through it and allow a mutual agreement .

[angel.eyes]

So you don't feel like a priority now. Was there a time when you felt he made you a priority? When did that change? Were you spending more time together pre-break up?

 

If your intuition tells you he's pulling away, chances are he is. Good that you had a discussion! Did you talk at all about what he wants out of dating? Where things are going WITH YOU? At two years, I would want way more than "I'm not seeing someone, but I'll let you know if I do." That's not even exclusivity. That's the right person hasn't come along yet, but I'll alert you when she does. So are you temporary filler? Or would he then casually multi-date? It gets back to what do you want? What does BF/GF mean to you on a practical level? Is it dating a certain number of times a week? Is it companionship? Is it having a +1 for events? Is it some level of commitment? You don't want to remarry. Okay. But what do you actually want?

 

If I show up at the airport to go on vacation, and my only criterion is the next flight not going to Pittsburgh (in other words, not my cheating ex-husband or not marrying to avoid a repeat of the whole cheating husband scenario), and I end up rain logged in dreary Buffalo or Walla Walla, I shouldn't wonder at the lack of sun, sand, and tropical weather. If those things are important to me, I need to be more thoughtful about picking a destination.

 

You're encouraged to take time off post-divorce because you need to figure out who you are and what you really want. You also need time to heal so that you don't damage your next relationship while you unwittingly use it to work through your unresolved baggage. Once you've done the personal work, then you can look for what you want. You'll have a much better chance of actually finding it!

[2.50 a gallon]

I understand about taking time after a divorce, before starting a new relationship. That is exactly what I did. The problem is one never knows when lightening will strike again. For me it was another 15 years later. And it was not for the lack of trying as I did a lot of dating. It's just that someone special doesn't pop into your life everyday. As they say, "you have to do the picking when the picken is good"

 

For me, I lost out on the chance to have children, as the next time it struck I was approaching 50.

 

I agree, your feelings are valid.

 

But from his POV I can see how, with your pulling back he too now has a trust problem. Sorry to say, but it might be a another humpty dumpty story.

[thenotemakers]

@Apaige – You’ve asked some genuine questions, which I believe are very helpful when re-entering the dating scene. Have you considered checking out a website called Boundless? They have some pretty helpful articles for singles. I wish I had some wisdom to offer, friend. It's obvious you want to do the right thing. I'll be praying for you– keep your spirits up!

 

TheNoteMakers

Edited September 29, 2014 by thenotemakers
Changed font

[PinkInTheLimo]

IME, most divorced guys i know your age dont want to be tied down....They want to get laid once in a while, spend some fun times, have a nice female companion to chat with or have a nice dinner-without heavy committments.

 

I think it is often like that. These guys like to have a special woman friend, someone they can have fun with, without a lot of obligations. A sort of relationship while they can still do all their "boys among each other" activities. If they have such a special woman friend, I don't think they really feel the need to see other women.

At the same time I also don't think they really love this woman. They care for her and appreciate her company but they don't have this "I want to spend the rest of my life with her" feeling.

 

For me it would not be enough, and it is also the kind of situation I want to avoid because you can go on like that for years without there being any progress.

I think that this is actually a fine arrangement for women who are divorced themselves and are a single parent. But I have never been married and if i would be in a relationship, I would want it to move towards living together and marriage.

[LoneIsland]

He's comfortable for the existing arrangement to continue, but you need more. You have to work out what you are going to do if he can't give you more.

[Giggle]

He used to say he loves you.. You never have in 2 years. Problem. Why should he not pull back because you haven't managed to let go of what happened to you before? You want more of his time but you aren't even sure you love him. That has got to be hurting him. You may have also inadvertedly made it sound like you weren't serious about him, especially with being unable to tell him you love him.

 

I too have been cheated on.. And he did leave me for her but it somehow managed to not effect me like it affects many so I really don't understand how it can stop you from knowing how you feel about the new guy. Counseling didn't seem to help you with the insecurity of trust =\ but you can love somebody and be afraid to trust them. But if you can't trust him than it's pretty doomed.

 

I really hope that didn't come across mean. Please don't draw back to see what he does. That's a silly game. Figure out if you love him and tell him either way. *hugz*

[2.50 a gallon]

OP I neglectfully left out of my previous post, about 3 months after the breakup of my marriage, a new and exciting lady came into my life. We clicked on so many levels, it was like a dream come true. I had never imagined me meeting such a woman was possible, and even more astounding was she was falling in love with me. And that scared me, as you I felt it was all too soon, and I ran away from that relationship. It was a year later, that I found out that she was still not dating as she felt she was still in love with me, but also felt that she could never ever trust me again. And I was not given another chance.

And it would be another 14 years before lightening struck again

[Elias33]

He used to say he loves you.. You never have in 2 years. Problem. Why should he not pull back because you haven't managed to let go of what happened to you before? You want more of his time but you aren't even sure you love him. That has got to be hurting him. You may have also inadvertedly made it sound like you weren't serious about him, especially with being unable to tell him you love him.

 

I too have been cheated on.. And he did leave me for her but it somehow managed to not effect me like it affects many so I really don't understand how it can stop you from knowing how you feel about the new guy. Counseling didn't seem to help you with the insecurity of trust =\ but you can love somebody and be afraid to trust them. But if you can't trust him than it's pretty doomed.

 

I really hope that didn't come across mean. Please don't draw back to see what he does. That's a silly game. Figure out if you love him and tell him either way. *hugz*

 

I think this is a very interesting viewpoint. Your behavior that is caused by doubt, whether it is grounded or not, may also cause him to feel being pushed away. With you having issues (we all have!) it may send out signals that may be subtle, but still enough to cause him to lay low. Don't look at this only from your perspective if you value this relationship.

[Apaige]

OP I neglectfully left out of my previous post, about 3 months after the breakup of my marriage, a new and exciting lady came into my life. We clicked on so many levels, it was like a dream come true. I had never imagined me meeting such a woman was possible, and even more astounding was she was falling in love with me. And that scared me, as you I felt it was all too soon, and I ran away from that relationship. It was a year later, that I found out that she was still not dating as she felt she was still in love with me, but also felt that she could never ever trust me again. And I was not given another chance.

And it would be another 14 years before lightening struck again

 

Very eye opening!

Thank you!!

[Apaige]

I think this is a very interesting viewpoint. Your behavior that is caused by doubt, whether it is grounded or not, may also cause him to feel being pushed away. With you having issues (we all have!) it may send out signals that may be subtle, but still enough to cause him to lay low. Don't look at this only from your perspective if you value this relationship.

 

Again, another eye opener! I know that I pushed him away, and I didn't mean too...I was just treading ever so lightly for fear of getting hurt again...Having lost my mother, my husband, and then going through a nasty divorce, I just lost all faith, and trust...Thank you so much for your insight!!

[2.50 a gallon]

I really understand how you feel. After the breakup of my marriage, I was so hurt, that I swore I would never let love hurt me that bad again, and vowed to never fall in love again. That did not mean that I did not date, just that from the get go they knew that it was only for fun and companionship. The further I got from the breakup the higher and thicker my walls went. The first hint that I was developing feelings, and love was getting ready to knock on my front door, I was out the back door, and miles away down the alley.

I learned to like living alone, I could do what I wanted with whomever I wanted, whenever I wanted, without having to answer to anyone. I had my hobbies, my historical research, my writing and I had no need for a full time woman.

The nearest I came was a on / off relationship that lasted for well over 6 years. We had lots in common, she was highly intelligent, had several degrees, we could spend weekends making home made pasta and just talking. She was lots of fun, very sexy and very much wanted to have my babies. And then I would run. And she was very wealthy, and was forever offering to take me on cruises to Hawaii, the Bahamas, to Mexico to see the ruins.

The last offer was for a two week trip to Tahiti for scuba diving. I came so close to saying yes, that it scared me so bad that I packed up my belongings and moved a thousand miles away, back to my home town.

[Tayken]

Again, another eye opener! I know that I pushed him away, and I didn't mean too...I was just treading ever so lightly for fear of getting hurt again...Having lost my mother, my husband, and then going through a nasty divorce, I just lost all faith, and trust...Thank you so much for your insight!!

 

 

Sorry to hear all that, and trust me when I say I get it. However, divorces are only nasty when one party decides to make it so because of spitefulness / payback, as opposed to focusing on kids, and just letting go of all the fluff.

 

Women are known especially in teh case where a daughter is involved, to want to deny a father being part of the kid's life in a 50-50 parenting, and this is why things go to court and get nasty, spending college fund on fluff.

 

In the a situation where there is no drugs, abuse, alcohol etc...it' s a no-brainer to resolve at the lowest level. You are not going to replace the other parent with a new beau, and as most women find out whilst dating, the new guy is usually only interested in you if at all.

 

Men that don't have kid(s) especially don't get it.

[dispatch3d]

Just talk to him about it. Say you feel like the relationship hasn't really progressed much and you'd like it to progress further. Whether that's hanging out more together, moving in together, or whatever, talk it out with him and figure out what more you want.

 

As far as the poster saying he's pulling away so you should pull away so then he realizes you are pulling away and then he talks to you, **** that. Lol. I would talk to him about what the issues are, if he can't handle talking about issues or constantly tries to avoid them rather than talk and address them then that for me a relationship I don't want in anyways.

[Apaige]

So you don't feel like a priority now. Was there a time when you felt he made you a priority? When did that change? Were you spending more time together pre-break up?

 

If your intuition tells you he's pulling away, chances are he is. Good that you had a discussion! Did you talk at all about what he wants out of dating? Where things are going WITH YOU? At two years, I would want way more than "I'm not seeing someone, but I'll let you know if I do." That's not even exclusivity. That's the right person hasn't come along yet, but I'll alert you when she does. So are you temporary filler? Or would he then casually multi-date? It gets back to what do you want? What does BF/GF mean to you on a practical level? Is it dating a certain number of times a week? Is it companionship? Is it having a +1 for events? Is it some level of commitment? You don't want to remarry. Okay. But what do you actually want?

 

 

If I show up at the airport to go on vacation, and my only criterion is the next flight not going to Pittsburgh (in other words, not my cheating ex-husband or not marrying to avoid a repeat of the whole cheating husband scenario), and I end up rain logged in dreary Buffalo or Walla Walla, I shouldn't wonder at the lack of sun, sand, and tropical weather. If those things are important to me, I need to be more thoughtful about picking a destination.

 

You're encouraged to take time off post-divorce because you need to figure out who you are and what you really want. You also need time to heal so that you don't damage your next relationship while you unwittingly use it to work through your unresolved baggage. Once you've done the personal work, then you can look for what you want. You'll have a much better chance of actually finding it!

You were right in the money Here. I caught him red handed tonight. A girl was leaving his house as I did a drive by! I am hurt beyond belief! Twice now this has happened to me. First my ex H and now this one. I went all those years and never was cheated on and two times now, in the past 3 or so years!

[NYWoman]

Now he is cheating on you?

Aren't you sort of jumping the gate?

From your other threads, it sounds as if you at one time had him running around in your corral with lots of ILY's. Then you got scared, backed off, opened the gate and ran him out.

Now you have once again changed your mind and decided maybe you want him back in your corral. I don't recall the two of you deciding to be exclusive. So how is this cheating?

Yes there is a good chance that he night be dating her. And who knows maybe he was telling her he was thinking of trying again with you.

Remember, you are the one who got scared, opened the gate and ran him

out.

You whistle, ILY and expect him to come running back immediately?

Edited September 30, 2014 by NYWoman

[Apaige]

Now he is cheating on you?

Aren't you sort of jumping the gate?

From your other threads, it sounds as if you at one time had him running around in your corral with lots of ILY's. Then you got scared, backed off, opened the gate and ran him out.

Now you have once again changed your mind and decided maybe you want him back in your corral. I don't recall the two of you deciding to be exclusive. So how is this cheating?

Yes there is a good chance that he night be dating her. And who knows maybe he was telling her he was thinking of trying again with you.

Remember, you are the one who got scared, opened the gate and ran him

out.

You whistle, ILY and expect him to come running back immediately?

Unfortunately, my instincts were spot on. The girl that I suspected based on a good morning are you up text was spotted leaving his house last night! I was right on with this. He lied to me just Friday night, took her out, lied to me and told me it was a guys night only, and he took her out. He then came to my house the following night, and last night something was shady...I knew something was up, knew that he wasn't right! He had me run my whole nights agenda by him...I guess making sure the coast was clear for himself and invited her over...call it what you may! I girls intuition is rarely wrong! He's a cheater! Doesn't matter if I pushed him away because of my insecurities, he should have had the decency to end things with me for good before seeing another woman