SycamoreCircle Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 It's coming up on the NC 6 month mark. My outstanding problems at this point are the temptation to check her social media and replaying words in my head that were communicated during the break up. As best I can tell she self-talked herself into believing that our relationship was riddled with unsolvable problems, caused by me. The idea that she'd fallen for another, more successful man who'd been pursuing her had nothing to do with the demise of our relationship. Last I checked, 3 months into NC, I was now somehow guilty of "emotional blackmail" and there was nothing satisfying about our relationship. I'd never imagine someone could be so outgoing to friends and family about the motivation and reasons behind dumping your boyfriend. It's as if she's making a case. It's almost as if she creates negativity against me to fuel the fire of her current relationship. She totally idealizes this guy. Meanwhile, I'm an impotent, manipulative, whiny, incompetent, idiot who she regrets ever meeting. According to her emails, the only positive attribute I possessed was that I wasn't jealous or possessive, thus giving her the OK to start dating this guy behind my back while she was still living under my roof. She's 25 but I just don't understand how someone can so totally delude themselves. Will she ever wake up from this selfish, narcissistic dream? What happened to the simple, kind, loving and adoring woman I met a year before?
angel.eyes Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 You're 38? You need to stop focusing on what she says and thinks. Clearly it's over, and she's moved on. Focus on letting go and getting on with your life rather than checking her social media. That's not going to help.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 I too fell for love being all that is needed, and this was my very first relationship. Back then social media was not fully established, so I was not distracted by going back to see or check online the status of my ex. If anything you were disillusioned by your own expectations and never saw her as she was. Until I gave up on relying on love to be the glue to a relationship, I found true love as the product of full understanding, and acceptance between two partners. So, without understanding her, she allowed you to play the part in your expectations of her, as there could not be any true acceptance of who she is.
Author SycamoreCircle Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 You're 38? You need to stop focusing on what she says and thinks. Clearly it's over, and she's moved on. Focus on letting go and getting on with your life rather than checking her social media. That's not going to help. Yes, I'm 38. I very much loved her. Focusing on letting go often feels like someone telling you to not think about pink elephants. One day I tried every time I started to think about the relationship to repeat a mantra something to this effect, "Stop. I owe her no more of my time or feelings. It's over. I wish her peace. I wish peace for myself." I think I need to re-institute that.
Author SycamoreCircle Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 I too fell for love being all that is needed, and this was my very first relationship. Back then social media was not fully established, so I was not distracted by going back to see or check online the status of my ex. If anything you were disillusioned by your own expectations and never saw her as she was. Until I gave up on relying on love to be the glue to a relationship, I found true love as the product of full understanding, and acceptance between two partners. So, without understanding her, she allowed you to play the part in your expectations of her, as there could not be any true acceptance of who she is. I think I understand and must agree with your assessment. So, as the older, more self-aware partner I should have recognized the relationship for what it really was---a young woman, not really certain who she was yet under the influence of an older, established man. This is my fault. Her fault is that she let me indulge my expectations of her as a mature, self-aware woman. She lived up to her true self by indulging in very immature behavior. I must live up to my true self by maturely accepting the end of the relationship.
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