ddc579 Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 I've been dating a girl for about a month. When we're together, we always have an amazing time and amazing conversations. In fact, at the end of each date, she is usually the one saying, "We definitely should meet up again." After we did dinner and a movie last weekend, she even hinted at "...wanting to see where this is going." At the end of that date, we both already scheduled ourselves to meet again on Saturday, but it was going to be my turn to make the specific plans this time (the dinner/movie date was her idea). The problem seems to come in whenever I attempt to actually initiate plans for a date via phone or text, it's pretty much become clockwork that I don't hear a response for a day or two. (It's happened with both leaving voicemails and sending text messages). Obviously, the fact that I'm writing this, it means I'm waiting for a response for this Saturday. When she responds, it's usually positive, we eventually meet, and then have an amazing time. But I guess I have a hard time reconciling the waiting period, because that feels very "game-y" to me (and I've admittedly never been one to really master the whole game thing). If it's a "Just saying hi"-type text, I'll normally hear back more quickly. I like this girl a lot, and she has definitely indicated she likes me. In fact, I've already met some of her friends, so I think I've passed that test (phew). And please believe me -- I'm not one of those guys who expect instant responses. But when the waiting game happens this consistently (and again, always when I'm trying to plan something), I admittedly get in my head a little bit and start second-guessing. So I guess my question is about the whole "waiting game." I get it conceptually. But is there a point where the game should end? And once we've both established that we want to see how this progresses, is it as much a "necessary evil" as it may have been before we really established that? I've always struggled with it (mainly because I've just never played it myself), so I'm open to any thoughts/suggestions. Thanks in advance.
smackie9 Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 Have you two been physical yet?? Making out at least?
Author ddc579 Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 Not physical yet, no. She's admittedly more on the conservative, reserved side. I get the sense she doesn't have a lot of experience actually dating (just one bad relationship).
Gaeta Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 Maybe she is waiting to hear from other people to confirm plans with you. If she were playing games I think she would take her sweet time to reply to you in all cases, not only when an invitation is presented. Also, wanting to know where this may go, is not the same as establishing exclusivity. To me all this indicates she is dating others and is waiting on other invitations to materialize to confirm with you.
Author ddc579 Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 Well in this case, the day itself was already set (Saturday) at the end of our last date. It was just a matter of deciding what we were going to do, which was my last outreach yesterday.
PegNosePete Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 Have you asked her why it takes her so long to reply? Maybe there is a valid reason like her phone ran out of battery and her charger is broken. I don't know, it just seems communication is a better way to solve your difference than assuming it's some kind of stupid game. 1
smackie9 Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 I think it's pretty to rude to leave someone hanging. A simple "not sure yet, call you Friday and I'll let you know what's going on." When I really like someone I keep in touch. My diagnosis is that she's weighing her options and or she's not that into you and is being flakey. I don't care how reserve someone is, they still can show interest by being enthusiastic about seeing you again. No one is THAT busy to make a call.
Author ddc579 Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 I think that's the weird dichotomy of the whole thing. She's introduced me to her friends (with whom pretty confident I hit it off), literally told me she wants to see me more (more than once), and we set the day of the next date at the conclusion of our last date. (We even texted that night and both said we were excited for the next date -- so that was an exception to the 24-hour response time). But then I try to firm up plans, and this happens for probably literally the third time now. It's just admittedly confusing.
Fondue Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 Honestly, that would bug me out. I would simply tell her (once she replies to you and says she does want to do xyz on whatever date), that you already arranged for plans on this date. She will understand that taking her time is not tolerated and that YOUR time has a price. It is unfair for her to keep you waiting. Fill that time slot with doing whatever else. Trust me, if she likes you as much as you make it seem she does, then she'll quickly learn her lesson. 1
Assasda Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 She does it to you simply, because she knows you'll take it. And... You do. I recommend you see other women, and not sit around twiddling your thumbs after you ask this girl a questions. If you really dont wanna wait, tell her to get back to you, because your time is valueable. 1
Mister Zen Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 I don't know why people like to date people who are not on the same page as them. Is it desperation? If you don't like a person's values and behavior.. then you don't like them. It's pretty simple. Compatible relationships are FUN. Sure they have their downturns here and there, but they are mostly fun because the two people actually like each other. So if you're not having much fun and only sticking around out of pure sexual attraction, then you're setting the stage for an unsatisfying relationship.
angel.eyes Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 If everything else is otherwise great, you're making a mistake to assume she's playing games. If you knew on Saturday you were going out this upcoming Saturday, why didn't you finalize the time on Sunday or Monday? Are you always contacting her on the same day to finalize? There are certain days when I'm largely unavailable. You'll wait a long time to get a response. Try finalizing plans on a different day of the week next time. Personally, unless it involved deal breakers, red flags, or that sort of thing, I gave people the benefit of the doubt early on. That worked for me! Jump to conclusions and you'll miss out on a great person. Why not just share your observation with her, and ask what gives? That would be my approach.
Gloria25 Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 Ummm....wondering if she's a "Rules" girl... 1
Author ddc579 Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 If everything else is otherwise great, you're making a mistake to assume she's playing games. If you knew on Saturday you were going out this upcoming Saturday, why didn't you finalize the time on Sunday or Monday? Are you always contacting her on the same day to finalize? There are certain days when I'm largely unavailable. You'll wait a long time to get a response. Try finalizing plans on a different day of the week next time. Personally, unless it involved deal breakers, red flags, or that sort of thing, I gave people the benefit of the doubt early on. That worked for me! Jump to conclusions and you'll miss out on a great person. Why not just share your observation with her, and ask what gives? That would be my approach. I knew she had family/work engagements on Sunday and Monday. This isn't the same day; the date would be this Saturday, and I texted yesterday (Wednesday). If we have our date on Saturday (as I still haven't heard anything), I think I'd definitely like to find a way to gently broach the topic with her.
Author ddc579 Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 Ummm....wondering if she's a "Rules" girl... That's a thought that has certainly crossed my mind. Like I said, a lot of the responses have been a pretty regimented 24-hours.
angel.eyes Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 (edited) I'll rephrase: when you try to finalize, is it always on a Wednesday that you try to make contact? If so, try contact on a Tuesday. Yes, ask her about it. Edited September 26, 2014 by angel.eyes
angel.eyes Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 That's a thought that has certainly crossed my mind. Like I said, a lot of the responses have been a pretty regimented 24-hours. If this ends up being the case, try to see the positive: she is really trying to make this work. Irritating? Yes! But when we're excited about someone and want it to work, we often try crazy things.
Author ddc579 Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 I'll rephrase: when you try to finalize, is it always on a Wednesday that you try to make contact? If so, try contact on a Tuesday. Yes, ask her about it. Oh, my apologies. No, it's not the same day I ask. I've asked on a few different days before.
Gloria25 Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 That's a thought that has certainly crossed my mind. Like I said, a lot of the responses have been a pretty regimented 24-hours. Well, I do hate when people try to "fake" being busy, playing games, etc...I get it when you're busy for real, but can't stand someone pretending to be busy. But then again, if they are doing it without bad intentions and were just taught this was the way to go, then hopefully you know it's not coming from a bad place and if she is a Rules girl, hopefully once you two are more advanced in the RL, she will lax on the rules.... 1
Fondue Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 Well, I do hate when people try to "fake" being busy, playing games, etc...I get it when you're busy for real, but can't stand someone pretending to be busy. But then again, if they are doing it without bad intentions and were just taught this was the way to go, then hopefully you know it's not coming from a bad place and if she is a Rules girl, hopefully once you two are more advanced in the RL, she will lax on the rules.... If she's into any certain "rules," then I would assume she isn't as invested as I. If someone wants to play games instead of dating me, then her interest levels are high enough. I really think he should take my suggestion. Next time she gets back to you 24hours later, just say you already scheduled something else and are busy that day. SHe'll learn not to take her sweet as time (if she is truly interested). Otherwise, she just isn't interested enough.
PegNosePete Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 So like I said earlier, why not just ask her? If she's doing some "rules" thing then you should bust that open and tell her not to be so daft, and that you'll respond better to open, honest, natural communication.
Eggplant Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 It's one thing to not seem over-eager, it's another thing to conspicuously ignore a text. The Rules was written 15 years ago when you had to return somebody's phone call. The etiquette for electronic messages is 12-24 hours, nominally. I don't think being rude is part of the Rules. She's probably just awkward at dating. If you like her enough, let this thing slide. However, keep an eye out for other signs of passive aggressiveness. Passive aggressiveness makes relationships really hard.
PegNosePete Posted September 26, 2014 Posted September 26, 2014 Passive aggressiveness makes relationships really hard. Which is why I suggested talking about this issue rather than just sitting there and letting it slide, whilst secretly being upset about it. Passive aggressive huh...
Author ddc579 Posted September 26, 2014 Author Posted September 26, 2014 I will be more than happy to talk about the issue...provided I get a response. I'd think it would be a little off-putting to approach her about this before she responds, don't you think?
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