Why do men look at other women?

[kjohn]

This is a serious question. I know some of the standard responses will be "men will be men" and "men are visual creatures." Ok. I get that, but seriously, do men understand the damage they do to the self-esteem of the women they love when they are constantly looking at other women?

 

I have a good friend (a guy) who is constantly looking at his phone. I am constantly teasing him about getting off his phone and participating in the group.

 

Recently at an outing where his GF was not in attendance, I asked him what he was looking at. As if it was no big deal, he showed me his phone. He was looking at a picture of a scantily clad woman. When I asked him who it was he told me she is a bartender at a bar he sometimes goes to with a buddy of his.

 

He doesn't even know the woman, yet somehow he became Facebook friends with her. When I asked him how that happened he kind-of side-stepped the question and just kept saying "It's just Facebook. It's not real life."

 

Out of curiosity I looked her up and found that she has tons of provocative pictures of herself posted.

 

This guy is in a committed relationship! I asked him how he thought his GF would feel if she knew he was looking at other women on Facebook and his response was "Why would she care? It's not like I'm cheating. I'm just looking at pictures."

 

He argues that it is no different than guys looking at Playboy magazines.

 

I argued that looking at Playboy is not the most wonderful thing either, but at least those are women you don't actually know in real life. This is a women who you have met. You know her name. You know where she works. You obviously think she is physically attractive. That sounds like a very slippery slope to me….and incredibly disrespectful and hurtful to your GF.

 

This has really been bothering me. I asked my BF about it and he didn't seem to see the big deal either.

 

Do guys understand that "looking" can be just as hurtful as actual cheating?

 

I'm genuinely curious about other opinions on this.

[angel.eyes]

Sorry, find a different circle of men. Not all men are like this.

[2.50 a gallon]

I agree your friend is out of line.

As for your question, my Ex, was a total freak, in that after we got married, she felt that I should never look at another woman for the rest of my life. It was not that I was staring at them. Or would turn and watch them walk away, but her just catching me glancing at a passing woman, would set her off.

I tried to tell her it didn't matter where I got my appetite as long as I ate at home.

[braindamage]

And women don't do this?

[No Limit]

And women don't do this?

 

Same as with men - some do, some won't.

 

 

I'm a girl and to be honest, I wouldn't care too much either; it wouldn't speak for my BFs maturiy, and it surely wouldn't be a relationship to last, but you wrote it yourself that this girl has plenty of provocative pictures posted.

 

 

Basically her whole Facebook page is nothing but a porn magazine for her "friends", and I don't have anything against porn at all.

[kjohn]

I'm sure there are some women who do this.

 

In my personal experience, I have seen it mostly from men, but I do mean to generalize or imply that it is only men who do it.

 

I don't have a problem with passing glances. That's just natural. It's human nature to admire beauty. I would be lying if I said that I have never seen another man and thought he was good looking. I'm sure the same is true for my BF, but my feelings would be hurt if he was regularly looking at pictures of other women on FB.

 

This guy does it regularly. That to me is a problem.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

For some odd reason it's equal down the line.

 

Many women that I have been around don't mind talking about lusting after actors, or certain body types.

 

I on the other hand don't have that built in physical attraction thing. I only tell the women I trust, because many women like to feel they can attract their mate more than anyone else.

 

Though I have to be careful, to explain that I do appreciate a woman's body. and I don't have to look around to find what I already have.

Even though it is commonly accepted that men are lookers in general, there are men who don't need to feed their desires with physical attributes when noticing peeps around them.

 

For the most part it is part of a woman's built in protection, if they notice their man looking, what is to stop him from flirting and carrying on behind her back. Same with men who see their woman be so open to take a look and comment. If both understand each others ways and accept it as casual looking, there is no trust issue. The big problem is fully trusting, and that comes with time and understanding.

[braindamage]

This guy does it regularly. That to me is a problem.

 

But you're not in a relationship with the guy - I don't understand why you should care at all.

 

Be happy you have a bf that does match with your expectations of him.

[kjohn]

But you're not in a relationship with the guy - I don't understand why you should care at all.

 

Just curious, that's all.

 

The recent conversation that I had with him piqued my curiosity and I was wondering what others' opinions would be.

[Keenly]

To quote kat Williams, its esteem of your mother blanking self.

 

 

 

 

If a guy looking at another woman bothers you, especially if you are with that guy, it means you have low self esteem, and that's not his fault. That's something you need to work on on your own and can't blame another person.

 

 

I mean come on.... " hurts just as bad as cheating? " its time to get realistic. you can't possibly expect men to never look at another woman again. That's completely unreasonable.

[Toodaloo]

If something is nice to look at why not look?

 

If your chap were looking at pictures of mountains would you feel the same?

 

Looking at pictures of the same girl all the time is a bit close to "thinking about getting involved with her" territory though.

 

But no if a woman is pretty or has nice legs/ eyes/ boobs / hair etc why can't a chap look for a bit and appreciate that?

 

I should leave your friend to get on with it. Seems as though he has bit of a thing for the girl at the other bar. Leave him to make his own decisions.

[central]

OP, I think you have unrealistic views of men and relationships. Very few men are going to conform to your expectations. If you find one who does, hang onto him! (But don't be surprised if he's looking at photos/videos in secret!)

[braindamage]

Just curious, that's all.

 

The recent conversation that I had with him piqued my curiosity and I was wondering what others' opinions would be.

 

Ow - ok. In that case I believe the entire topic is a subjective as possible. It entirely depends on the persons values; some cannot cope with any perceived loss of faithfulness of their partner, no matter how innocent. Others will handle very loose boundaries which might not even stop at full-blown sex. Many of us will be somewhere in the middle.

 

Problems manifest when people with different boundaries become involved and neither one can/want to change.

[thefooloftheyear]

Back when I had a FB acct., none of my male friends ever posted a photo of a hot chick and said stuff like "hey, look at the ass/tits on this!"...

 

The women, OTOH,(most married. BTW) constantly posted pics of hot guys and made some of the saltiest comments you will ever read..

 

TFY

[iiiii]

I think you'll never find a man who doesn't like to look at pictures of attractive women.

 

I guess exactly what is acceptable behavior differs with each couple.

 

I'd not want my man to look at other women blatantly when he was out with me - I'd find that disrespectful - or friending women on facebook just because they are hot - I'd find that too close to an EA. Other women might not give a toss about those things.

 

But so long as you and your partner can agree where the boundaries are for both of you, where's the problem?

[Missy0724]

IMO, there is a big difference between checking people out when out and about, when you are with your partner. And how you do it. Yes, what he did, very disrespectful, bc he's met her, knows her name, etc. and has media contact with her, or can if wanted.

 

I'm very visual and think the human body is beautiful and some are a piece of art to look at. I look at both men and women on the streets, in public, all the time. But not in a sexual way. And whomever I'm with, knows that about me.

 

Big difference. How it's done, in what context.

 

He sounds young, too. His GF would have a right to be concerned. But her choice to stick around...

[2.50 a gallon]

Woman do it too. My girl friend used to work in a store that the local firemen quite frequently did their shopping. She admitted that amongst the female employees that was known as show time, as they all liked to check out the firemen's butts.

[Keenly]

IMO, there is a big difference between checking people out when out and about, when you are with your partner. And how you do it. Yes, what he did, very disrespectful, bc he's met her, knows her name, etc. and has media contact with her, or can if wanted.

 

I'm very visual and think the human body is beautiful and some are a piece of art to look at. I look at both men and women on the streets, in public, all the time. But not in a sexual way. And whomever I'm with, knows that about me.

 

Big difference. How it's done, in what context.

 

He sounds young, too. His GF would have a right to be concerned. But her choice to stick around...

 

 

So wait a minute... Its okay for you to look at men and women because its "art" , but its not okay for men to look at women because its sexual?

[Got it]

To me it really varies and what is important is that both parties in the relationship are on the same page and adequately compromising (if needed).

 

For myself I have never had a man do it to a level that has upset me. Both marriages I knew they looked at porn but never to an extent that it would bother me and neither man ever ogle/excessively look at other women in my presence or do it to a noticeable level outside of my presence (that others would comment on).

 

I know with my husband sex with me would trump porn any day. Ogling me trumps ogling other women any day. So a little icing on the cake is fine with me.

 

I have not felt a need to feel threatened.

 

I do think discussion how each person feels is very important and a good conversation that sparked with your boyfriend and you.

[leavesonautumn]

I've never been in that situation myself, I mean I knew my boyfriend would look at theChive and if I thought about it too hard I'd feel jealousy creeping up and then the sane part of me remembers that probably 95% of men have theChive app on their phone and it's harmless.

 

However, something I've never understood is when people get mad when their partner looks at someone in public. I mean, how close are you watching your partner to see if they are looking at someone? They could literally be looking at anything and you'd drive yourself insane if you watched your partner's every eye movement. I can remember a few times my ex looked at someone else but not enough to really have any concern. I look at men and women as well.

 

There's a difference between taking a peek and straight up staring. I remember one date with my ex and he very briefly looked at the table beside us and looked at a woman's legs (it was quite obvious, she had great legs) and instantly turned back to me and looked in my eyes. I could have ruined the moment in jealousy or smiled at him and continued the conversation without making it a bigger deal than it is. He was always all over me and found me beautiful and sexy, he looked at me differently because he loved me. That's just an example. You can accept something or drive yourself crazy with worry.

[me85]

The OP is talking about a guy who is sort of obsessively looking at picture after picture on FB of a woman he knows and has met and is saying that she thinks that kind of behavior is wrong and what do we think?

 

Well, OP, I agree 100% it's wrong and disrespectful. It's definitely a slippery slope. Guys who do this behind their girlfriends backs and say "what would she care?" or that it's no big deal...yeah right! Those same guys wouldn't dare dream of doing that in front of their girlfriends because A they know their girlfriends wouldn't like it and B they know it's wrong, no matter how they try to excuse it.

Edited September 25, 2014 by me85

[Tayken]

So wait a minute... Its okay for you to look at men and women because its "art" , but its not okay for men to look at women because its sexual?

 

 

Well said...I mean the comment by that poster is either a joke, or they are dead serious

 

I think if you get involve with such person, you can expect things to be my way or the highway.

 

obsessively looking at picture after picture on FB

 

I have said it before, and I'll say it again, FB is for losers and it's countless hours of your life you won't get back. At least on this site you are getting great advice, humour and first hand experience from people.

Edited September 26, 2014 by Tayken

[Gloria25]

While I believe that men are more visual creatures than women, regardless of the sexes, it's hard not to notice an attractive person and/or a person who is dressed to catch attention (i.e. shirtless, skimpy clothing)...

 

So, I understand a glance, but staring them down - especially in front of a partner is just rude and inconsiderate...

 

And, actually seeking pics and ogling them is even worst!!!

 

I think when you are satisfied in a RL, of course you're gonna get caught by surprise when you encounter someone attractive - but it doesn't keep your attention for long...well, that's how I am at least.

 

You know, I was actually talking about this with my mum recently...and, it was all these "nude" this/that shows coming up. I've seen nude bodies, duh, so what's the big deal about a show with nude bodies? I don't get it...You've seen one, you've seen enough, you know what one looks like

[preraph]

The rare times I have really been in love with a guy, I didn't even see other men. I'm very disappointed that I never met a guy who felt the same way about me -- or another woman for that matter.

[carhill]

Why do men look at other women?

 

Same reason we approach women. It's how mating gets done. Just because we're married or LTR doesn't mean the hard wiring goes away. Most of us get more polite about it out of respect for our mate. Some don't. That's life!

 

Looking at images simply keeps the visual skills honed.