sm2281 Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 We'll, Here is the short story. I met a guy. He is great. Somewhat. I met him online and had my doubts about intentions for obvious reasons, but I liked him alot. So, we met in person. We started dating and having sex. Here is the issue: It took 4 months for him to take me in public and I had to bring this to his attention and tell him that it was not cool and it "looked bad" we talked it over and we do things now. From grocery shopping to "his secret place" Now, that being said, for the duration of this reltionship (which he says is "serious" and he is "committed." (and I say the same) So, now that we are coming up on the 6 month mark I am wondering if he is a keeper. I am not applying time limits on anythng, but I am falling in love with this guy and I want to be sure I am making a good decision. So back to the 4 month public thing.... So first that, 4 months before anyone ever saw us out in public anywhere together and it's okay now. But, he was with his ex for a long time. He says it's been about 2 years since they broke up, but he keeps a regular "friendship" with her. Exes are somethign I don't normally tolerate in a relationship but I am at a time in my life where I think I should be more open to things. So anyway, they were living in his apartment, which he just now let go of. He also had a whole bunch of her stuff there that he was "holding onto" for her. So he moved, she came and got it, etc etc. He also still attends her family's functions (a birthday party and baby shower to be exact) and he says it's because her family became like "his" and he still cares about them. It took him the same 4 months to let me on his facebook page and just the other day i went looking on his page for birthday ideas (it's coming up) and saw that he still has all kinds of pictures up of his ex. And an almost exact spot on replica of a picture we took together (he is kissing the side of her face, with the exact same expression and look as he is in the pic we have). So, all that and he is now trying to help her sell a car. It looks to me like he still holds onto her and what they had. And I am wondering if I am crazy for thinking that, or if I am being irrational. He thinks it's all about social media, but I have explained that it is just a small part of it. He did say he is giving it all up and began taking the pictures of her down on his page and said he hasn't been talking to her any more. I just need to know I am not crazy for making this assumption....and while I am in love with the rest of him, is this behavior something you would tolerate in your own relationship?
Arieswoman Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 sm2281, No, you are not being irrational. This ;- but he keeps a regular "friendship" with her. is not good news. Neither is this;- He also still attends her family's functions (a birthday party and baby shower to be exact) and he says it's because her family became like "his" and he still cares about them. or this :- It took him the same 4 months to let me on his facebook page and just the other day i went looking on his page for birthday ideas (it's coming up) and saw that he still has all kinds of pictures up of his ex. And an almost exact spot on replica of a picture we took together (he is kissing the side of her face, with the exact same expression and look as he is in the pic we have). So, all that and he is now trying to help her sell a car. It seems to me he hasn't let go of her and/or is trying to replace her with you. I would have called him out on this (he is kissing the side of her face, with the exact same expression and look as he is in the pic we have). at the time as I think that's disrepectful to you and the relationship he has now. You say;- Exes are somethign I don't normally tolerate in a relationship but I am at a time in my life where I think I should be more open to things. Why? Why should should change your viewpoint to fall in with someone else's behaviour? Being "more open to things" doesn't mean you should tolerate anything that makes you unhappy/insecure/ etc. After 4 months with you it's time he upgraded his FB page to reflect the situation NOW not what it used to be. Personally, I would have a serious talk with him before you invest any more time with him. Tell him how you feel and say that you don't feel he is really committed to your relationship as you feel he hasn't really let go of his ex. His response should tell you where you stand. Good luck.
Author sm2281 Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 Being more open was my decision, it reflects things about myself i'd like to change on my own. Because I am not perfect and would like to grow in some ways. You dang RIGHT I call him out on that picture. I sent them both side by side in a message!! Ha lol. AND I privately posted up pictures of my ex so he might be able to understand how that feels. We have talked about this, and he has known up front from the beginning that I didn't like it, but was open for the time being. He said he isn't talking to her anymore, and I told him today (after i explained all of the above) to him -- that maybe we should take some time apart because he said that he was not going to sacrifice his "friends" for a girl. so I called him on that and I was ready to call it off today. He said it would stop and began taking down pictures, but it was still un nerving when he called her nephew "his" nephew. I just feel that sometimes I am being irrational because I come to these conclusions and maybe I am jumping to quickly. He said he would move on, so we will see I suppose. Thank You......sometimes I just need to know I am not being crazy.
Author sm2281 Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 and yes, I made sure he knew I felt that it was disrespectful to me I let him know that if he wanted his facebook for "just himself" then to make it for just himself and not about the two of them. He keeps saying he isn't talking to her. She is in a reltionship too by what hers says. I also told him "I am not that and I'll never be that." I also frequently have to tell him I am a "former" at alot of things I used to do and be, and he behaves like it is "now" So....idk. I am falling in love with him, but i refuse to be a replacement or comparable to his ex.
Arieswoman Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 sm2281, I'm glad you've had a talk with him and given your point of view. He now knows what you will tolerate and what you won't. So let's see if he shapes up ..... Good luck x 2
Author sm2281 Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 Thank You. This is hard. I have a heart....alot of ppl just play the game. It's not a game to me. 1
veggirl Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 does his ex gf even know about you? have you met her? since they are such besties, i would assume you'd be introduced to her by now. and no, I'd never, ever date a guy with this type of "friendship" with his ex. he is not in any way, shape or form over her. what were the circumstances of their break up? 1
Author sm2281 Posted September 29, 2014 Author Posted September 29, 2014 He said they dated for 7 years and have been apart for around 2 years now. We started dating back in april or so. I met him online and visited his apartment (the apartment they had together) a few times. Then we started dating adn I told him I felt uncomfortable being there in the apartment he had with all his exes stuff. So we hung out at my place. Then he moved out of the apartment. He says for alot of reasons, and I think my above comment is included in that relationship. She came over and got what "stuff" of hers was still there I guess. I wasn't there. I didn't meet her. I have been contemplating sending her a message about how they ended. But from what I get from it is that they were a long time couple, and were going to marry. She wouldn't marry him for what he thought were the right reasons. Specifically, he said she wanted to wait to get married until he had X amount of money. It ended (idk who ended it) and at some point they both had cheated on each other. She was insecure about some things (we all are) but I guess he says the deciding factor was a.) lack of interest from her part (no sex affection) b.)the money marriage thing and c.) cheating. He said he has dated a few people in between so I don't think I am a re-bounder. We talked about this over the weekend some more, and I was seriously ready to call off the relationship. He took the pictures down of his ex, "said" he wouldn't talk to her any more, and already had moved out of the apartment. He did not de-friend her, or change his relationship status though....so I am not going to hold my breath for too long on that one. I'm giving it some time and patience. I cannot expect him to think of all this over night as I have examined it thoroughly before speaking with him about it. So I guess we will see. He is being somewhat cooperative though. He swears it's me. But I'm keeping an eye open. He said this weekend this is not just any relationship to him, but "the" relationship. And he is cooperative to a point. I can't expect it to be perfect. So like I said, I'll give it more time and see where it goes.... What are yall's thoughts?
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