40's dating nightmares!

[strongy]

Oh man, posting this to get it out of my system, hope that's ok!

 

Met a woman through OLD nearly 5 months ago, she lives 40 miles away which wasn't an issue at first, we went on a date, and were in a hotel (paid for by me) within an hour having wild sex.

 

I liked this,a lot haha, we did it again over the course of a few weeks, and got quite involved with each other, a million texts, quite a few dates, did both normal and wild sex dates (where she came here and we went straight to bed) somewhere along the way we got a bit obsessed with each other and quite quickly told each other that we loved them. I'm not sure I did / do, think it was definitely more infatuation than love!

I've made loads of room for her, have met her family, been to her house and met her grown up kids who still live at home and we all get on.

There were loads of warning bells going off in my head, we both have done a bit of coke in our pasts and we have done it together a few times, never had a good time on it together though so have decided to leave it alone, she drinks (not often but when she does has 2 bottles of wine easily) again not an issue as she gets very naughty

She is shockingly bad at making plans though, always uses her kids as an excuse, they are at college and she runs around after them, a lot.

I've been going to her house more and more, which costs me around £20 each time in fuel, again no problem, but she hasn't been to mine for a while and this has become an issue for me, feeling like I make all the effort.

We have told each other loads about our pasts, and I'd say we have been equally deviant haha. She was married for 20 odd years but I think she has made up for it in recent years, at 48 I wasn't expecting to find a virgin! She is 49. Has a professional job and has a house etc that she runs very well.

Couple of things are on my mind now, am thinking it is time to call it a day and find myself looking for excuses ...

I went to her house last sunday, she had invited me and all her family for dinner, but was drinking (nerves I think) and had too much wine and kicked off over a little thing that her grand daughter had done, it went from there and she was horrible, so I left, after I left, she told all her family to get out too, they were all leaving when I went back (because I felt bad for leaving) she had calmed down and was upset so I stayed with her for the evening and went home around 10pm.

The fall out from that has gone on all week, her 2 daughters have fallen out with her now. I went to her house on Wednesday night but it felt weird and strained.

She is off work today and had planned to come to my house, she has text me at 4 am and said she isn't well etc and won't be able to come now ... I strongly suspect she was up all night taking coke with her friend as they got paid yesterday, that is none of my business I don't think, but when her plans with me suffer then it is.

I've asked her if she had, but she is standing firm and saying it is cystitis and that she is disappointed not to be able to come today, I don't believe her.

 

I'm a decent enough looking fella, I get plenty of interest from ladies, but am really liking this woman and will be gutted if it goes (I think it has already gone to be honest) in the bin.

She is exciting to be with, but I have a feeling that I should run a mile because she is the sort of woman who is trouble, but aren't they the best ones?

I think she would be a drain and would soon turn into an expensive hobby, she has been already in truth, I nearly always pay for everything, but I've got it so haven't minded spending it.

 

Not even sure what I'm asking here, just needed to get it off my chest I think, so huge apologies for the long message and thanks for the platform to post it on!

[ascendotum]

What do you mean by expensive hobby? The 40 mile trips a couple of times a week are not too over the top, but I agree it would get annoying if she did not reciprocate somewhat on trips to your place. The hotel bookings can stop unless you don't get any spare time at her place without the kids. If that's the case she needs to put up $ for the hotel imo.

The coke issue, well a dealbreaker for plenty but not for you so I'll leave that out. For me, it would not be a deal breaker if she had her shyte together and it was purely an occasional thing. The 2 bottles of wine a session would be a deal breaker for me though, having dated and known boozey women. The negative bad memories from drunken episodes (like that dinner party) over ride the good horny slutty sex memories after a while. Its good that you found a wild one still at 49 but sit down and tell her what you want from the relationship and see if she is prepared to meet it before you pull the plug.

[strongy]

Thanks for the reply, it helps even knowing that someone read it!

 

When I say expensive hobby, I mean that even if I could rationalise it in my head and think she is great to be with sometimes, then it would still cost me plenty in both money and stress.

 

Totally agree, if she had her act together then a bit of coke isn't the end of the world, however, when it is me paying for it, and she is terrible for days after with remorse, then that isn't good, I had already decided there would be no more paid for by me.

The wine, you are spot on, the horrible times definitely stick in the mind longer than the fun part, even just thinking back makes my stomach turn over, I know it can't continue and also know that at 49 she won't be much inclined to change, she might think and say she is but you just know every time she falls off the wagon I'll wish I wasn't there, I owe it to her too I think to let her live her life as she chooses without my comment.

 

She has said a few times that she should pay, but never has! I'm pretty sure she hasn't got the spare cash even if she had the intention.

 

I think I'm feeling a bit "used" here this morning, or foolish, but I'll get over it I guess.

[Arieswoman]

ascendotum,

 

You said;-

 

Couple of things are on my mind now, am thinking it is time to call it a day and find myself looking for excuses .

 

Why do you need "excuses"?

 

If you want to "call it a day", do just that. Tell he that you're sorry, but it just isn't working for you. Don't go into lengthy explanations but be prepared for fireworks as she sounds a bit out-of-control to me.

 

Forget the age bit. Being 40+ doesn't mean you should put up with situations that you wouldn't tolerate in your 20's or 30's.

 

Good luck.

[sm2281]

. . . .twitterpated

 

 

use your head alongside your heart. A favorite quote from mumford and sons.

[strongy]

ascendotum,

 

You said;-

 

 

 

Why do you need "excuses"?

 

If you want to "call it a day", do just that. Tell he that you're sorry, but it just isn't working for you. Don't go into lengthy explanations but be prepared for fireworks as she sounds a bit out-of-control to me.

 

Forget the age bit. Being 40+ doesn't mean you should put up with situations that you wouldn't tolerate in your 20's or 30's.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you.

 

I'm dithering a bit on what to do, I'm not usually given to indecisiveness!

 

I've really enjoyed this summer with her mostly, but it's been in the back of my mind it was short term.

Now that term is over, part of me wants to keep it going, but my head is screaming NO! Hahaha.

 

I absolutely wouldn't have put up with this in the past, I've been single for 4 years, live alone (I enjoy these things usually) but after letting her in, I've realised I do get lonely, so the good part may be that I start looking for a more stable relationship now, I do feel ready again

 

You are definitely right with the fireworks, I think there will be trouble ahead, I can deal with that as and when it comes.

[PinkInTheLimo]

You loved this trip and you probably would find a more normal woman boring. Now you are confronted with the down side of being with a wilder woman and you want to get out.

 

I would suggest that you are an adult about it and simply sit her down and tell her that you don't see this encounter go further. She might get very upset but I think this is the most correct way of approaching this. I just hope that you did not promise her all kind of things and made it clear that you only wanted a short term thing.

 

This lady sounds like a high functioning alcoholic to me. She is not a total trainwreck but she has an unstable streak which can be dangerous. She should do some therapy and treatment.

 

If you both would kick off your bad habits, who knows you might actually have a chance together.

[SummerDreams]

Aren't you too old by now to go after this kind of slutty women? Or does this "hobby" never get old with men?

 

Call it what it is (wild sex) and enjoy it, but don't invest more. I'm sad about her poor kids.

[ascendotum]

Aren't you too old by now to go after this kind of slutty women? Or does this "hobby" never get old with men?

 

Call it what it is (wild sex) and enjoy it, but don't invest more. I'm sad about her poor kids.

 

for guys who got plenty of the slutty times in their 20s and early 3Os they might have got it out of their system and prefer a more refined woman who's looking for a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady. Some of the former 'eazi fun girls' I know who now hit 40 are have done a 180 in their nature and the type of guys they go for. For plenty of guys who never got enough slutty women when younger, its never too old to get some. I'm in an open relationship with a very liberated older woman (minus the drugs + excess booze) who's taken back that attitude/lifestyle post divorce. I reckon it would be great for a lot of guys to find a woman near 50 who is not very guarded and cynical over guy's intentions and doesn't have a 'been there done that' attitude and who's still passionate to want to rip clothes off whenever she catches up with the guy. If its fueled by coke/booze then its not quite so rosey, but still I hope I still get a kick out of ONS in my 50s/60s/70s if I'm still single.

[SummerDreams]

Having a slutty period in my life was never, and never will be, one of my "must do" things in life.

[Toodaloo]

What on earth are two grown adults doing having "fun" with coke?

 

Sorry but your both behaving badly. Its all very good and well having fun but you both have responsibilities and those "responsibilities" are going to get pretty miffed about their parents being irresponsible. Calm it down and you might have a chance.

 

Cystitis hurts like hell and worse if you have sex. Because the pair of you have behaved the way you have she probably thinks that if she sees you it means she is expected to swing from the chandeliers and quite frankly its the last thing any woman wants to do when she has cystitis... Thats probably why she is putting you off.

 

If your head is screaming no then end it. Its probably not such a bad idea as while I am sure you are both having lots of fun I am afraid it sounds as though you actually bring out the worst in each other rather than the best.

 

Good luck

[strongy]

Thank you all for the replies, I do appreciate them.

 

Absolutely agree that I have been as bad as her, we have actually had some nice times too, but definitely mostly wild times, which I'd say we have both enjoyed

 

Also agreed that it was probably only ever likely to be a short term thing, which does actually now make me feel sad, the realist in me knows we have to leave each other alone now, the "romantic" in me is still wishing we could calm it down and have a future.

 

We have talked (on phone, a lot) in the last couple of days and have a plan to see each other on Sunday daytime this weekend (no drugs or drink of course!) and we had a longer standing plan for next Saturday when I have a night off work that we have also talked about, the intention is that we will have a night out, but I guess we need to talk on Sunday first.

 

We have talked about what we see our problems being, we mostly seem to agree that we need to avoid going too far, but we already did that and both mostly enjoyed doing it, so if she turns into Mary Poppins I'm not sure she'd be so interesting.

 

For the record, I have no dependents, only a dog that I look after very well

 

So, who's to know what comes next really, I have an idea what might happen, but will have to see.

 

She seemed very upset when I said we shouldn't see each other any more, I didn't say this to prompt any reaction or to test her feelings, I simply meant she was making my head hurt.

 

Thanks again!

Edited September 27, 2014 by strongy