indecisive 12 Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 I wrote a post the other day about my break-up but I want to ask a more specific question and I couldn't find another forum for it. Sorry if double dipping is against the rules.. but as I am sure a lot of you remember feeling.. I cannot sleep, am sucking at work, and I cannot get my mind off of this. Short(ish) version: I'm 33, she is almost 30. We've been dating over 4 years. We bought a house 1-1/2 years ago. We broke up, my call, a month ago (although after a weekend away she kind of agreed it was the right decision, even though we both HATE it). She is moving out in 3 weeks. Us having to live together during this time has made it very roller-coaster-esque. I just absolutely cannot picture never speaking to her again after she is gone. It doesn't make sense. I stayed with her because she is an awesome person and loves me like crazy. She feels like someone who will always be there for me, even though I suck at being there for her when she needs it. I trust her. I can come up with a laundry list of things about her that have annoyed me for a while.. but I also cannot really feel that strongly about them right now. Bottom line: I am not attracted to her sexually anymore. I definitely do love her (more so than when we were dating it seems). The problem in this case is that I just don't enjoy sex with her. I never really have. I feel she is a bad kisser (and yes, I've looked at myself first) and mechanical during sex. I have had one foot out the door for very long time because of it (and other things). What is bugging me now is that I have never flat out said that I don't enjoy sex with her, and the few small tips I've tried have fallen on deaf ears. She knew and agreed that our sex life kind of sucked.. and I think she somewhat knew that she wasn't blameless.. but I'm worried that I didn't try hard enough. But I also couldn't find enough interest to want strongly to go through that uncomfortableness of really completely telling her how I felt about it. We have plenty of other problems for sure but it feels like if this was not a problem then the other stuff would be solve-able. Can someone really change into a really passionate person? Can you become really sexually attracted to someone over time because you know how good they are as a person? Should I just go through with the break-up and selling of the house realizing if we are going to get back together it can still happen maybe someday?
Dontfindme Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 It sounds like you're second guessing yourself, after you've already made a decision. I think you should stick to what you initially decided - to part ways. I may be wrong, but it doesn't sound like you're 100% in it with her, sounds more like you've settled - and are now considering doing some more of that.
d0nnivain Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 No amount of thinking wishing or trying will make you more sexually attracted to someone. It's tough right now because you are still in the same house & you are a decent person. You don't want to be the cause of her pain. However, you both know breaking up is the right thing.
NoLeafClover Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 I wrote a post the other day about my break-up but I want to ask a more specific question and I couldn't find another forum for it. Sorry if double dipping is against the rules.. but as I am sure a lot of you remember feeling.. I cannot sleep, am sucking at work, and I cannot get my mind off of this. Short(ish) version: I'm 33, she is almost 30. We've been dating over 4 years. We bought a house 1-1/2 years ago. We broke up, my call, a month ago (although after a weekend away she kind of agreed it was the right decision, even though we both HATE it). She is moving out in 3 weeks. Us having to live together during this time has made it very roller-coaster-esque. I just absolutely cannot picture never speaking to her again after she is gone. It doesn't make sense. I stayed with her because she is an awesome person and loves me like crazy. She feels like someone who will always be there for me, even though I suck at being there for her when she needs it. I trust her. I can come up with a laundry list of things about her that have annoyed me for a while.. but I also cannot really feel that strongly about them right now. Bottom line: I am not attracted to her sexually anymore. I definitely do love her (more so than when we were dating it seems). The problem in this case is that I just don't enjoy sex with her. I never really have. I feel she is a bad kisser (and yes, I've looked at myself first) and mechanical during sex. I have had one foot out the door for very long time because of it (and other things). What is bugging me now is that I have never flat out said that I don't enjoy sex with her, and the few small tips I've tried have fallen on deaf ears. She knew and agreed that our sex life kind of sucked.. and I think she somewhat knew that she wasn't blameless.. but I'm worried that I didn't try hard enough. But I also couldn't find enough interest to want strongly to go through that uncomfortableness of really completely telling her how I felt about it. We have plenty of other problems for sure but it feels like if this was not a problem then the other stuff would be solve-able. Can someone really change into a really passionate person? Can you become really sexually attracted to someone over time because you know how good they are as a person? Should I just go through with the break-up and selling of the house realizing if we are going to get back together it can still happen maybe someday? I feel your pain... my ex ex ex was a sheltered girl who never shaved or trimmed her pubs... felt just like you
Standard-Fare Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 As someone else said, it sounds like the decision is already made, so why are you talking about this like there's still potential for change? But ignoring that for a moment, and regarding your sex conflict: There's a difference between A) not being attracted to someone, and B) not having good sex with them. Are BOTH of those conditions present with her? If A's not really the problem, then there's potential for B to improve. It requires communication, experimentation and open-mindedness. Again, though, this sounds like water under the bridge for you two. If there was a chance to fix it, that window has probably passed.
Boomshine Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 As someone else said, it sounds like the decision is already made, so why are you talking about this like there's still potential for change? But ignoring that for a moment, and regarding your sex conflict: There's a difference between A) not being attracted to someone, and B) not having good sex with them. Are BOTH of those conditions present with her? If A's not really the problem, then there's potential for B to improve. It requires communication, experimentation and open-mindedness. Again, though, this sounds like water under the bridge for you two. If there was a chance to fix it, that window has probably passed. This was my sentiment exactly. If it's A, then no, that can't be forced. Either a spark is there or it's not. And if it WAS there before, it can be again. Some sort of negative emotion is simply blocking it. However, if it's B, then yeah, that could totally be fixed. There's ways of talking about it outside the bedroom, and even communicating IN BED about how to do things. Really good technique I picked up in that regard is to limit any "commands" you might have to less than 5 words, so it isn't perceived as some sort of critique against her. You can simply say "Faster", "shift here", "oo like that", or whatever. Over time, she'll adapt, realize what you're really digging, and it won't have to be said anymore. Talking DURING sex IS important. And too many people neglect it.
mightycpa Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 You used the word mechanical. I think people exhibit a particular aspect of their personality during sex. A lot of it is tied into their comfort with expressing themselves (moaning, whimpering, grunting, whatever), part is adventurism (missionary vs. cowboy vs. oral vs. anal vs. whatever), some of it is athleticism (how hard and fast they hump, squeezing, basically ****ing you back) and the other part has to do with how intimate you are ... whether they are embarrassed to do this with you. A great **** will do all of it enthusiastically while paying attention to what you want. Other people will lay there. Others will go through the motions with you, dutifully performing but not with enthusiasm. Still others will give all they can muster, but it isn't anything to write home about. The thing is, you never really know whether their performance is about you or about them. You can get a sense of this, based on their personality, but you never really know, unless you can follow their performance with others. But I don't think people stray too far from their own style. If they do, it probably seems unnatural or forced. So if that's what you're experiencing, basically where one or more aspects of enthusiastic and varied sex acts are muted, for lack of a better word, I don't see that getting too much better over time unless you've got someone really special on your hands who is willing to venture way out of their comfort zone, and will enjoy it.
singsparkles Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 I wrote a post the other day about my break-up but I want to ask a more specific question and I couldn't find another forum for it. Sorry if double dipping is against the rules.. but as I am sure a lot of you remember feeling.. I cannot sleep, am sucking at work, and I cannot get my mind off of this. Short(ish) version: I'm 33, she is almost 30. We've been dating over 4 years. We bought a house 1-1/2 years ago. We broke up, my call, a month ago (although after a weekend away she kind of agreed it was the right decision, even though we both HATE it). She is moving out in 3 weeks. Us having to live together during this time has made it very roller-coaster-esque. I just absolutely cannot picture never speaking to her again after she is gone. It doesn't make sense. I stayed with her because she is an awesome person and loves me like crazy. She feels like someone who will always be there for me, even though I suck at being there for her when she needs it. I trust her. I can come up with a laundry list of things about her that have annoyed me for a while.. but I also cannot really feel that strongly about them right now. Bottom line: I am not attracted to her sexually anymore. I definitely do love her (more so than when we were dating it seems). The problem in this case is that I just don't enjoy sex with her. I never really have. I feel she is a bad kisser (and yes, I've looked at myself first) and mechanical during sex. I have had one foot out the door for very long time because of it (and other things). What is bugging me now is that I have never flat out said that I don't enjoy sex with her, and the few small tips I've tried have fallen on deaf ears. She knew and agreed that our sex life kind of sucked.. and I think she somewhat knew that she wasn't blameless.. but I'm worried that I didn't try hard enough. But I also couldn't find enough interest to want strongly to go through that uncomfortableness of really completely telling her how I felt about it. We have plenty of other problems for sure but it feels like if this was not a problem then the other stuff would be solve-able. Can someone really change into a really passionate person? Can you become really sexually attracted to someone over time because you know how good they are as a person? Should I just go through with the break-up and selling of the house realizing if we are going to get back together it can still happen maybe someday? I think you respect and love her as a person, but are not in love with her...and you are trying to protect her feelings, which means you do care. But it's not in the way that it should be. If you stay with her, you will never be truly fulfilled and happy because of all those things that are missing. I think it's best you just tell her you think it's time for you both to move on and that things aren't working. You're still young and you have a whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it being unfulfilled and unhappy. Find a woman who you feel all the sparks with and feel a deep connection with, along with a sexual connection. Physical attraction isnt everything, personality helps. But if you aren't physically attracted or sexually attracted at all, it will never work out, or atleast, you will never be truly happy and content.
GettingOver Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 I had a similar problem ... though this relationship was very fresh - just 3 months. I was verrrrry much attracted to him in the beginning - I would want more than he could actually give and sometimes he would stop in the middle and couldn't continue. Or he would be tired... I even asked him once and he said it was a coinsidence. We also had sort of different needs - I am used to a lot of gentleness, foreplay, more like slowly enjoying and he was more like a rabbit... Did not even take off his shirt... He would speak about sex more than initiate it... We went on vacation for two weeks and I thought - ok, maybe now... But it happened only several times - pretty good, but not that good. My ex was perfect for me in this way - we hardly spoke about sex - we got to know each other's bodies by touching and kissing... and I loved it so much! Sex is important - at lest for me. I guess so-so sex was one of the reasons I never developed true intimacy with him... It was one of the reasons I wanted to break up. And I did - not only because of this, but ... I am not sure you can change a person and their sexual behavior and preferences. I also think that sometimes ppl match and sometimes they don't... You don't always have to adjust, change, try, etc. It's like chamistry - you either have it or not...
GettingOver Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 As someone else said, it sounds like the decision is already made, so why are you talking about this like there's still potential for change? But ignoring that for a moment, and regarding your sex conflict: There's a difference between A) not being attracted to someone, and B) not having good sex with them. Are BOTH of those conditions present with her? If A's not really the problem, then there's potential for B to improve. It requires communication, experimentation and open-mindedness. I think that if you have proble B on a regular basis then it results in problem A. I lost sexual attraction to my bf because sex was not so good since the beginning, because he was whining a lot, and at the end he told me terrifying things about participating in pagan rituals in the woods at night in order to cure depression. I guess even only bad sex kills sexual attration in the end.
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