Wondering if he sees me as just casual?

[lillyz]

Hello everyone,

 

 

I'm in a situation where I'm trying to just 'be in the moment' with a guy I've been dating, but I'm also trying to decipher whether he sees our thing as just casual or not.

 

I'm guessing that he does see it as pretty casual, but a bit of back story:

 

 

- We met off a dating site (we're both 31) a little over a month ago, where we both state we're looking for something 'short-term'/'long-term'. When we met up, we didn't mention the site we met off of at all, and still haven't. Everything felt so natural and the attraction strong, that I never once thought to bring up, 'So what are you looking for?' while in person. Also, since I've been comfortable with casual dating relationships in the past, I initially approached it as such (we slept together on the second date, and there was zero awkwardness around that so I figured, all was well...).

 

 

- The fact that we clicked so well was awesome, and we went on three more dates after we initially slept together, where he happily introduced me to some of his friends, and we even went out of town overnight together once. Despite it still feeling casual to me, it also seemed potentially serious, and together one-on-one we were really affectionate. I started developing some feelings for him, but still played it really cool, not needy at all.

 

 

- Fast forward about two weeks of only text message communication (we both were really busy), when we finally a couple nights ago were able to meet up again, had a great time together, and he spent the night again. He kept suggesting things we should do together soon, seemed really happy to be around me, complimenting me, etc. but right after we parted ways, I started to freak a bit, which is why I'm now writing here:

 

 

1) If he just sees this as casual, that's fine, but I don't see it that way anymore - I am too attracted to him to let it be just that. I'm starting to feel a bit like a convenience. I may have made the initial mistake by treating it casual myself at first, but I thought maybe the more he asked me out, the more that meant he was interested in me in a serious way? He also seems to be at a point in his life where he's seeking something more long-term. Then again, we've never discussed this.

 

2) Our communication is very sporadic - even though we are both busy - is it possible he would be wanting something more serious, but he is just taking it slow for now and taking his time, or is sporadic communication a sign of him just being semi-interested in me? He's also not much of a planner - he even admits that - neither am I, but I still wish he'd end a date by suggesting the next one instead of being so spontaneous.

 

3) Given that I AM seeking something long-term, would it be appropriate now for me to bring the relationship up with him next time we get together? Not that I'm asking him to be exclusive, but to just get a sense of what he's looking for while dating? Is there a way to say that without scaring off the guy? I'm not at a point where I would even be ready to date him more seriously - I want to get to know him better first to see if we are even compatible - but we don't see each other very often, and I'm at a point in my life where I want to see a guy more than once a week otherwise it feels like a waste of my time - I want to invest my time in one person rather than in multiple guys (I've been going on a lot of 'first dates' lately, and it is so confusing, because I already have feelings for this one).

 

4) We talk about all sorts of things when together, but I feel sometimes like they are never of emotional depth, which is something I need in a serious relationship. Is this just another sign that he sees it casual, or are some guys just really slow to talk about anything involving emotions?

 

5) Are my nerves a sign that this really isn't a good match? I haven't been this attracted to someone in a very long time - usually I am the one turning down guys, so these intense butterflies are somewhat new to me - but could it really just be my intuition sensing our connection isn't strong enough?

 

 

6) Bottom line - is it time for a conversation? If so, how could I approach it?

 

 

I just can't see him again continuing the way things are: casual sex - him talking about doing things together in the near future - but zero conversation about whether he means that in a casual way or a serious one.

 

 

I know things aren't always JUST casual, or JUST serious - but as adults, isn't it fair to not want to waste each other's time and communicate our intentions?

 

 

 

Anyone with experience in this area, please chime in! Thanks so much.

Edited September 24, 2014 by lillyz

[angel.eyes]

Only he can tell you where you stand. We would just be guessing.

 

You're sending mixed signals. That works against you getting what you ultimately seek. If you're looking for something long-term, don't select short-term as an option on a dating site. That's a silly choice that only hurts you. You slept with the guy without being exclusive, being in a relationship, etc. You're now trying to be cool and casual, but are anxious and stressed that he might not see you as serious and could just be wasting your time.

 

Here's what I've noticed:

• Guys who are looking for something long-term or something serious, ascertain whether I am after the same very early on...we're talking first date or before. They don't want me wasting their time.
  
• Many guys categorize romantic prospects very early on--ONS, fling, short-term dating until someone better comes along, GF/wife material. If deep down, you're not okay with casual dating, stop presenting yourself as a casual dater and stop pretending that you're okay with that. You're stressed and anxious. Dating should be exhilarating and fun, especially early on.
  
• The less effort he makes, generally the lower his interest level and the less seriously he takes you.
  

 

If you're looking for a long-term relationship, personally I think it's best to have that conversation at the outset. Then it's about what you want in general out of dating and whether you're looking for the same things. You're simply setting clear expectations. The problem with waiting a few dates in and/or after you've slept with him, is it becomes about him...what you want with him and your expectations of your arrangement with him, regardless of how you might phrase things.

 

You have two options at this point:

• Wait it out and see how things develop
  
• Initiate the conversation with him, since he hasn't said anything to you. If you can sleep with him, you can have a conversation with him.
  

[Gloria25]

Ummm...

 

If you both said you are looking for something "casual", but possibly longterm...then at least you two are on the same page of music...

 

But, IMO, a month is too soon to have "the talk"...

 

I mean, I usually believe that before sex or by the 3rd date the "why are you dating" question should be brought up, but if you two are clear that from the get-go it was "casual", but if you two kick it off you will consider long-term, then I think you need more time to really get to know him, cuz IMO, one month is too short to make up your mind if you want to see this person as serious.

 

I mean, even if this was a different situation - I still think one month is too short to say ILYs, declare exclusivity, etc.

 

Maybe wait until the 3rd month?

[Standard-Fare]

If you don't see yourself tolerating "casual" with this guy, I think you need to communicate that to him in some way.

 

You don't have to be all needy and desperate, like: "So are you my BOYFRIEND?" I think you could say something like, "I like you enough that I'd ideally want to stop going on dates with other people. Just want to check if we're close to the same page with that."

 

A mutual preference for/commitment to monogamy would be an essential first step to something more serious. And he resists that, maybe he's just not who you're looking for right now.

[ses]

You need to have the talk with him ASAP. It's imperative because you're already attached and you need to know his perspective. This is important to you and you shouldn't put yourself under further duress with "what-if" scenarios. Hopefully he'll be honest and tell you what he wants, not want you want to hear. For now just keep yourself busy and don't think too much about it. In the future just do your best to keep your expectations at bay, or discuss them openly within the first few dates (gauge your comfort level). Best of luck!

[lillyz]

Only he can tell you where you stand. We would just be guessing.

 

You're sending mixed signals. That works against you getting what you ultimately seek. If you're looking for something long-term, don't select short-term as an option on a dating site. That's a silly choice that only hurts you. You slept with the guy without being exclusive, being in a relationship, etc. You're now trying to be cool and casual, but are anxious and stressed that he might not see you as serious and could just be wasting your time.

 

Here's what I've noticed:

• Guys who are looking for something long-term or something serious, ascertain whether I am after the same very early on...we're talking first date or before. They don't want me wasting their time.
  
• Many guys categorize romantic prospects very early on--ONS, fling, short-term dating until someone better comes along, GF/wife material. If deep down, you're not okay with casual dating, stop presenting yourself as a casual dater and stop pretending that you're okay with that. You're stressed and anxious. Dating should be exhilarating and fun, especially early on.
  
• The less effort he makes, generally the lower his interest level and the less seriously he takes you.
  

 

If you're looking for a long-term relationship, personally I think it's best to have that conversation at the outset. Then it's about what you want in general out of dating and whether you're looking for the same things. You're simply setting clear expectations. The problem with waiting a few dates in and/or after you've slept with him, is it becomes about him...what you want with him and your expectations of your arrangement with him, regardless of how you might phrase things.

 

You have two options at this point:

• Wait it out and see how things develop
  
• Initiate the conversation with him, since he hasn't said anything to you. If you can sleep with him, you can have a conversation with him.
  

 

 

 

This was SUPER HELPFUL. I appreciate your being so candid. Thank you.

 

 

You are SO right that I should be presenting myself in a different way at the outset. I was so focused on just 'letting it flow naturally', that I nearly forgot why I am dating - yes, still to learn about myself and have some fun - but primarily at this point in my life, to develop something deeper with someone, and I honestly have been sending out mixed signals myself.

 

Also you are totally right that if I can have sex with him, I should also be able to have a discussion about it. *sigh* Dating has such a learning curve... I am definitely learning some important things right now.

[lillyz]

Ummm...

 

If you both said you are looking for something "casual", but possibly longterm...then at least you two are on the same page of music...

 

But, IMO, a month is too soon to have "the talk"...

 

I mean, I usually believe that before sex or by the 3rd date the "why are you dating" question should be brought up, but if you two are clear that from the get-go it was "casual", but if you two kick it off you will consider long-term, then I think you need more time to really get to know him, cuz IMO, one month is too short to make up your mind if you want to see this person as serious.

 

I mean, even if this was a different situation - I still think one month is too short to say ILYs, declare exclusivity, etc.

 

Maybe wait until the 3rd month?

 

 

 

Thanks for your input, Gloria.

 

 

I appreciate your perspective on it being a bit too soon - no matter what, I think it is definitely time to discuss at least if we are sleeping with other people - not to demand exclusivity but to at least have some awareness about whether we are on the same page regarding that -- through that conversation I am hoping I might find out a bit more on his dating perspective, as well.

 

I like your phrase "on the same page of music"

[lillyz]

If you don't see yourself tolerating "casual" with this guy, I think you need to communicate that to him in some way.

 

You don't have to be all needy and desperate, like: "So are you my BOYFRIEND?" I think you could say something like, "I like you enough that I'd ideally want to stop going on dates with other people. Just want to check if we're close to the same page with that."

 

A mutual preference for/commitment to monogamy would be an essential first step to something more serious. And he resists that, maybe he's just not who you're looking for right now.

 

 

 

Super helpful, thank you. And you are right, if the conversation does not go over well, that is often a sign in and of itself.

[lillyz]

You need to have the talk with him ASAP. It's imperative because you're already attached and you need to know his perspective. This is important to you and you shouldn't put yourself under further duress with "what-if" scenarios. Hopefully he'll be honest and tell you what he wants, not want you want to hear. For now just keep yourself busy and don't think too much about it. In the future just do your best to keep your expectations at bay, or discuss them openly within the first few dates (gauge your comfort level). Best of luck!

 

 

 

Thanks for your input.

 

I'm learning a lot about myself through this - through how quickly I did become "attached". Truth is, I'm not convinced we are a good match at all, but I became attached early on nonetheless - something for myself to be aware of in the future - I'm sure it was a mix of hopeful dreaming, and hormones. Hah.

 

 

 

Great advice on keeping myself busy, I will. I'll plan to talk with him next time he hits me up.

 

I do think he will be honest - he is quiet, but honest. I'm not surprised at all that he hasn't been the one to bring anything up - I'll take the initiative with the conversation, but I'm going to try to be brief and listen to him more than talk.

 

 

Thanks everyone! Any more insight is appreciated :-) Really am grateful for everyone who has responded so far.

[angel.eyes]

It's a learning process. You'll figure out how to get what you're looking for with a little trial and error. I do think it helps to send a clear, consistent message about what you want.

[angel.eyes]

Truth is, I'm not convinced we are a good match at all, but I became attached early on nonetheless - something for myself to be aware of in the future - I'm sure it was a mix of hopeful dreaming, and hormones. Hah.

 

If you aren't just dating for fun and distraction, then compatibility matters. If he's not a match, end it and find someone else who is. The chemical high will fade, and you'll be stuck with someone you don't especially see as a good fit. Lots of wonderful people won't be a good fit for us personally. Focus your time on finding someone who is.

[lillyz]

It's a learning process. You'll figure out how to get what you're looking for with a little trial and error. I do think it helps to send a clear, consistent message about what you want.

 

 

 

TOTALLY. The first step is finding out what we want (a process in and of itself), and the second step is learning how to communicate that.

[lillyz]

If you aren't just dating for fun and distraction, then compatibility matters. If he's not a match, end it and find someone else who is. The chemical high will fade, and you'll be stuck with someone you don't especially see as a good fit. Lots of wonderful people won't be a good fit for us personally. Focus your time on finding someone who is.

 

 

 

Great advice, thanks!

[Gloria25]

 

I'm learning a lot about myself through this - through how quickly I did become "attached". Truth is, I'm not convinced we are a good match at all, but I became attached early on nonetheless - something for myself to be aware of in the future - I'm sure it was a mix of hopeful dreaming, and hormones. Hah.

 

Well, there are some who say that when sex happens chemicals get released in females and we tend to "attach" ourselves to a guy...That's why sex too soon w/o knowing someone can backfire cuz we may think more is there when that's not the case.

[lillyz]

That's so, so very true. Especially if you are pretty smitten with the guy by the time you are having sex - it exponentially magnified the attraction on the woman's end. And especially if the sex is good.

[Mister Zen]

If you don't want to be casual then don't be casual.

 

If I learned anything about relationships in my 30 years of life.. its the more you change yourself to please others.. the more you lose in the end. To get true, lasting, deep relationships you have to be 100% genuine. You have to be honest about where YOU stand and what you want. Then let the chips fall where they may.

 

Not saying you have to shove it down people's throat. Just never walk a path you don't want to walk just to keep someone from leaving.

[Seraque]

Hi OP, I just went thru a very very similar situation recently. Your gut may be right, I mean I hope it's wrong but most of the time it's spot on! Also sometimes the guy starts off saying he wants something serious but later may change his mind about you or where he is emotionally, so beware of that too. Be ready to walk at this stage where you're less invested than if you put this off.

 

I wish I took some of my own advice, or figured this out earlier

[lillyz]

If you don't want to be casual then don't be casual.

 

If I learned anything about relationships in my 30 years of life.. its the more you change yourself to please others.. the more you lose in the end. To get true, lasting, deep relationships you have to be 100% genuine. You have to be honest about where YOU stand and what you want. Then let the chips fall where they may.

 

Not saying you have to shove it down people's throat. Just never walk a path you don't want to walk just to keep someone from leaving.

 

 

 

Thanks for this response, it is so true. Good reminder to 'let the chips fall where they may'....

[lillyz]

Hi OP, I just went thru a very very similar situation recently. Your gut may be right, I mean I hope it's wrong but most of the time it's spot on! Also sometimes the guy starts off saying he wants something serious but later may change his mind about you or where he is emotionally, so beware of that too. Be ready to walk at this stage where you're less invested than if you put this off.

 

I wish I took some of my own advice, or figured this out earlier

 

 

 

It's a pretty common situation, huh? Thanks for relating. Yeah, I do think my gut may be right, and even if he is interested in something more long-lasting, I'll still need to see if that emotional barrier is possible to get through.

 

 

Again, my gut tells me that a guy who wants a deep emotional connection would show some of that in the beginning, but maybe I am wrong... hoping I am.... maybe some guys have just never had that?

[Seraque]

Lillyz please keep me updated. Would be curious to see how it plays out and whether we are proven right/wrong. Best of luck.

[venusishername]

It's a pretty common situation, huh? Thanks for relating. Yeah, I do think my gut may be right, and even if he is interested in something more long-lasting, I'll still need to see if that emotional barrier is possible to get through.

 

Again, my gut tells me that a guy who wants a deep emotional connection would show some of that in the beginning, but maybe I am wrong... hoping I am.... maybe some guys have just never had that?

 

I think everyone has their 'baggage' that may be preventing them from wanting or experiencing a deep emotional connection, again or for the first time. People who start dating don't open up completely right away, which I think is smart. In my personal experience, (going through this myself), I wouldn't put that vulnerability out there of wanting something 'deep' right off the bat. That should only be shared with the right person. But you can't get to THAT point without spending time with someone and learning if it is a good fit! Although in your case, I think it's a good idea to stick to your guns if you're having these feelings. You went into it the same way he did, it sounds like.

I'd see where it goes from here, you will be able to tell if he's on the same level. I know very well that the physical stuff clouds things. Just relax

Edited September 26, 2014 by venusishername

[lillyz]

Lillyz please keep me updated. Would be curious to see how it plays out and whether we are proven right/wrong. Best of luck.

 

 

 

Thanks Seraque, I will.

 

 

I'm realizing this scenario and others I've encountered while dating are probably just about compatibility more than being right/wrong though. Time can only tell when it comes to compatibility.

 

With this guy, I'm going to give it more time to see what happens, but I've decided if he doesn't respond well when I do ask what he's looking for while dating (in the most relaxed, inquisitive, calm way), then we're probably just not a match, and that's totally okay.

 

I went on a date with a new, different guy tonight, and realized it's really good for me to do that. Was super fun and lots of great conversation. Puts things into perspective how every guy is so, so different... and how many of them there are.

 

From now on I'm going to be more up front in the beginning, and also just enjoy the ride...

 

 

Hope things are working out for you too. I'll keep ya posted on mine.

[lillyz]

I think everyone has their 'baggage' that may be preventing them from wanting or experiencing a deep emotional connection, again or for the first time. People who start dating don't open up completely right away, which I think is smart. In my personal experience, (going through this myself), I wouldn't put that vulnerability out there of wanting something 'deep' right off the bat. That should only be shared with the right person. But you can't get to THAT point without spending time with someone and learning if it is a good fit! Although in your case, I think it's a good idea to stick to your guns if you're having these feelings. You went into it the same way he did, it sounds like.

I'd see where it goes from here, you will be able to tell if he's on the same level. I know very well that the physical stuff clouds things. Just relax

 

 

Thanks for this. Great advice. It does take time, for sure. I'm going to relax about it... it's already helping...

[venusishername]

Thanks for this. Great advice. It does take time, for sure. I'm going to relax about it... it's already helping...

 

I'm going through something kind of similar myself.

How do you 'backtrack' and get to the 'serious talk' when you start out as 'casual' and get physical soon? It's tough. Ha, what you need to have is a "DTR" conversation. Just ask him what he's looking for! There's no harm in that. You have to put your cards on the table.

 

 

Good for you for going out with someone else, I'm doing the same thing this weekend and it does help put things in better perspective!

Edited September 26, 2014 by venusishername

[lillyz]

How do you 'backtrack' and get to the 'serious talk' when you start out as 'casual' and get physical soon? It's tough. Ha, what you need to have is a "DTR" conversation. Just ask him what he's looking for! There's no harm in that. You have to put your cards on the table.

 

 

 

 

This is an amazing way to describe the conundrum! EXACTLY. When we get too comfortable with casual, we have to find a way to bridge that to a more serious conversation. I love your idea of a "DTR" conversation. Thanks!