Nine months in...she doesn’t want to be with me anymore? Help!

[perfectweather]

Here it all goes...

 

About 9 months ago, I causally started talking to this amazing woman. We agreed, that neither of us were looking for a relationship at the moment, but just wanted to enjoy each other’s company and have fun. We are both busy individuals; I am in school, work full time and training for the Olympics, she is a Phd student and works full time as well. However, that agreement did not last too long as our feelings started to get deeper for one another. Eventually, we both found ourselves in a relationship with one another, always talking, always with one another, etc. It was great or so I thought.

 

Summer came, and my gf left for Africa for 2 months; she had some research to do for her PhD. The first month or so she was gone...we were doing well. We communicated everyday via phone and or Skype. We constantly expressed how much we missed each other, wanted to be with one another, and everything else in between. The last few weeks she was there, all communication just suddenly stopped; no emailing me back, no video chatting, texting, nothing at all. I tried, reaching out to her multiple times, but it became rare that I got a response. I knew something was up, but I just didn’t know what exactly.

 

- A little background info: My gf has been to Africa multiple times! She loves it there. She not only appreciates the culture, but the way of life there. Africa, brings her back to life; she feels as though she is able to live life freely, without deadlines, agendas, obligations and burdens, and actually enjoy life.

 

A few more weeks passed, and it was almost time for her to come back home. Eventually, I was able to get In touch with her to get her flight info. However, she didn’t really want me to come pick her up; she was just going to catch the train back and then walk home. Her reasoning not wanting me to come pick her up…firstly, she had given away her phone, so we would have limited contact info about her landing, and secondly, she said she would be tired and would probably sleep the car ride home. I thought both reasons were poor excuses, so I went to the airport to pick her up anyway. I got to the airport, super excited to see her, but it was evident the feelings weren’t mutual…or it could have been that she was just tired, jet lag, culturally shocked, missing Africa already… or just merely all of it. She’s finally home. However, when she got back she also had a lot on her plate. Firstly, she hadn’t secured a new apartment yet, so she was living with her brother and his friend’s family and their two children. Secondly, she had her qualifying exams to study for and following right after that, she also had a week to do a 30pg plus essay all for her Phd, and lastly just a whole bunch of other **** in between. When she got back to the states, she already felt behind in everything.

 

In the midst of everything, I did try contacting her, here and there to try and see her, because obviously I missed her. But because of everything that was going on, I tried to refrain from asking about “us.” I understood, she had lots on her plate, so I didn’t want to stress her out even more. I did try to call her two or three times over the next few weeks, but she never picked up or returned the calls. However, during that week I did get a text from her saying her ex was in town, and that she was going to go say bye to her and her dog (her ex was moving to Rwanda with their old dog). Okay, I was a little annoyed by that, simply because it could have been time I could have spent with her, but whatever. I later then texted her…”saying it’d be nice if you could return one of my calls.” Well, that text led to an even bigger text and finally us meeting up to talk about us. Long story short, she said while back in Africa, she started to question herself and our relationship. She said, she shouldn’t have left in a relationship, especially a closed one (monogamy isn’t her strongest suit), and when she got back she felt like I was becoming a burden and obligation. I’m sure you can believe that made me feel like complete ****, especially since I hardly ask for anything.

 

She also said, she felt like she was failing me, which in turn…it all just reminded her of her past relationships, especially with the ex she said goodbye too (6 yr abusive relationship). We talked some more, we cried. She said none of this is really my fault, but all has to do with her own ****. She asked me what I wanted to do? I told her I’d like to wade through all of this and see where it goes. It’s just hard for me to get over how amazing things were….for them to change overnight and just continue with life as if nothing ever happened. She unsurely agreed. She said once things come down with her work load, that we would try to work on us. I agree, that is fair, however I still was feeling uneasy, because I don’t think that’s what she wanted to do.

 

After, that big conversation, I wrote her an email elaborating on my emotions, apologizing for some things, etc. Although, I have talked with her through text and have briefly seen her in person, two weeks later…she has still not responded to my email. I’m so frustrated and hurt, because I poured my heart out in that email. It contained no negativity, no nothing, and to not get a response….is like a slap in the face. I get it I wrote it in the midst of her studying for this big exam/ writing her paper… but she couldn’t find ten minutes out of the day in two weeks…to respond, not even when she left to go visit Colorado. For someone, that says she loves, cares for and misses me…it surely doesn’t seem like it. I have asked nothing of her in the last few weeks, but to respond to my email...and I haven’t gotten that; I guess that was asking too much.

 

I know her work load hasn’t calmed down yet and won’t until mid October, but I still thought we would at least be able to text a little more, but she hardly responds to my four or five texts, I send a week. I’m simply writing this…because I am confused and do not know what to do. Do I just let up all together and leave her be…to see if she comes around…or continue to send her a text here and there during the week to see how she is doing? I hate this feeling of no clarity, hardly no communication, no nothing. I thought, I was giving her space by not requesting to see her and no phone calls and limited text.

 

Is that not enough? Somedays, I stupidly wait, to see if she texts me first expressing that she misses me, however, it’s always me initiating everything. Could it be that she really is just overwhelmed by everything else and deep down really does miss me? Or am I just blinded of the real reality…that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore?

 

Help,

Turtle

Edited September 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[soyou]

Stop making excuses for her. This woman is NOT interested in you anymore.

 

Cut her off, leave her alone and the move on.

 

If a woman loves you, I will return your call, text you back and no matter how busy she is, she will make sure she can arrange sometime to see you.

 

Judging from her behavior, (as a woman myself), I can see that she's fed up dealing with you. She feels burdened whenever you contact her. Like she already said, its not your fault. Love or compassion just gone. Now, you keep getting it back by calling her while she doesnt. This makes her annoyed and therefore not returning any of your calls or text!

[SycamoreCircle]

Agree totally with above response. She's done.

 

Go NC. Get your self-respect back and start realizing that there is someone out there who will appreciate the thoughtful things you do.

 

You are worth it.

[Dork Vader]

You really need to move on with your life. This woman has told you she does not want a relationship with you.

 

At best you are nothing but an option to this woman.

 

 

But it really seems like she is hoping the being cold and distant with you will send you running.

 

 

She found time to go see her ex yet not enough time to respond to your heart felt email.. That should tell you A LOT. I assure you she has read it. I assure you she could easily take the time to show you respect and email you back and say "I'm sorry I can't do this anymore" or at the very least respond in some way.

 

 

If she attempts to text/contact you. Then you need to just straight out tell her "When you decide what you want call me. But I can no longer do this yo/yo stuff with you. You either want to be with me and want a relationship with me or you want to be single. But commit to one or the other."

 

 

If she says she wants a relationship with you then tell her prove it and show you some respect. I understand that she is busy but that is no excuse to out right ignore an email in which you pour out your heart and soul. Busy is just an excuse it's not a reason. I've had periods in which I worked 90+ hours a week for nearly 3 months. Was I exhausted? You bet.. But I still found SOME time to show someone I cared about that I still cared.

[BlueIris]

I’m simply writing this…because I am confused and do not know what to do. Do I just let up all together and leave her be…to see if she comes around…or continue to send her a text here and there during the week to see how she is doing? I hate this feeling of no clarity, hardly no communication, no nothing. I thought, I was giving her space by not requesting to see her and no phone calls and limited text.

 

Is that not enough? Somedays, I stupidly wait, to see if she texts me first expressing that she misses me, however, it’s always me initiating everything. Could it be that she really is just overwhelmed by everything else and deep down really does miss me? Or am I just blinded of the real reality…that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore?

 

Help,

Turtle

 

Turtle, Let her go and let it go. It was a soft break up, a mushy one, but it is over. I'm sorry. Take control of it inside of you and break up with her yourself, internally. You sound like a sweetie. You'll make the right woman feel very lucky one day.

[GemmaUK]

Eventually, I was able to get In touch with her to get her flight info. However, she didn’t really want me to come pick her up; she was just going to catch the train back and then walk home. Her reasoning not wanting me to come pick her up…firstly, she had given away her phone, so we would have limited contact info about her landing, and secondly, she said she would be tired and would probably sleep the car ride home. I thought both reasons were poor excuses, so I went to the airport to pick her up anyway.

 

Wow! So you saw no reason to respect her wishes as in your opinion her reasons were not valid.

 

I got to the airport, super excited to see her, but it was evident the feelings weren’t mutual…or it could have been that she was just tired, jet lag, culturally shocked, missing Africa already… or just merely all of it.

 

I think it was because you had no respect for her and she realised that when she saw you there.

 

Long story short, she said while back in Africa, she started to question herself and our relationship. She said, she shouldn’t have left in a relationship, especially a closed one (monogamy isn’t her strongest suit), and when she got back she felt like I was becoming a burden and obligation. I’m sure you can believe that made me feel like complete ****, especially since I hardly ask for anything.

 

She also said, she felt like she was failing me, which in turn…it all just reminded her of her past relationships, especially with the ex she said goodbye too (6 yr abusive relationship).

 

Because you were also showing similar early signs of a controlling nature

 

 

I told her I’d like to wade through all of this and see where it goes. It’s just hard for me to get over how amazing things were….for them to change overnight and just continue with life as if nothing ever happened. She unsurely agreed.

 

Unsurely? That sounds like you spent a while convincing her and I suspect that she initially said no.

 

She said once things come down with her work load, that we would try to work on us. I agree, that is fair, however I still was feeling uneasy, because I don’t think that’s what she wanted to do.

 

After, that big conversation, I wrote her an email elaborating on my emotions, apologizing for some things, etc.

 

So, you didn't actually wait until when her work load had calmed down in October..you just chose to ignore that and write a big emotional email instead straight away?

 

I know her work load hasn’t calmed down yet and won’t until mid October, but I still thought we would at least be able to text a little more, but she hardly responds to my four or five texts, I send a week.

 

Eek! Leave her alone!

 

You've smothered and are still smothering her.

 

I suspect she didn't just break it off with you because she anticipated some kind of drama filled fall out from it.

 

Her actions are speaking far louder than her words.

You don't appear to listen to either though and she already knows you don't listen to her words so it takes less energy for her to ignore you.

 

Just leave her be. Good while it lasted but I can't see this going anywhere, you're just incompatible.

[Assasda]

Wow, I''m sure that novel you wrote could be shorter.

I read about 1/4 of it.

Leave her alone dude

 

See other women

[Redhead14]

Time spent in a relationship doesn't guarantee that it's sealed and will never dissolve. Time only allows the people in it to either grow together or apart. If they don't grow together, they will fall apart. If you were truly mean't to be forever, you would naturally evolve and grow. Sometimes one person passes the other or falls behind a little, there is an ebb and flow. This is especially true when the people in the relationship are very young -- 20 to 30's.

 

People in a relationship need to learn when the relationship is beginning to ebb and then tune into whatever is causing the ebb and address it at the time. If they miss the ebbing cues, over time things accumulate, resentments grow, communication weakens and so a gradual decline happens and one or both of them is Surprised when it seems to suddenly fall apart.

 

It may be over, but you will/should learn something positive to bring into another relationship that will be stronger and even better. Don't carry the hurt over or project onto a new relationship these hurts, use them in a constructive way to build a better one with someone else.

Edited September 25, 2014 by Redhead14