How do you convince yourself that you can't 'get them back'?

[littleblacksubmarine]

I have recently started No Contact with my ex, in an attempt to minimise the pain involved in the break up.

 

Whether it is because there is a genuine possibility or because she was attempting to be kind, during our break up my ex has left me feeling like there is some hope of us getting back together.

 

I appreciate NC is about moving on, but is it healthy to consider it a realistic possibility that we will get back together?

 

Is there any way to help convince yourself that it is definitely over and that there is no hope of them coming back, or will this just happen naturally over time?

[Magnet]

I have recently started No Contact with my ex, in an attempt to minimise the pain involved in the break up.

 

Whether it is because there is a genuine possibility or because she was attempting to be kind, during our break up my ex has left me feeling like there is some hope of us getting back together.

 

I appreciate NC is about moving on, but is it healthy to consider it a realistic possibility that we will get back together?

 

Is there any way to help convince yourself that it is definitely over and that there is no hope of them coming back, or will this just happen naturally over time?

 

I tried speeding it up.... I tried administering tough love by realising that she CHOSE to end it, she just wants a BACK UP..... etc, other posters here were telling me- it's done, she has ZERO intentions of getting back with me.

 

Bitter pills to swallow.....

 

In your case, tough love would be realising that: either she is being kind (and dishonest) with you, or she doesn't know what she wants (she isn't sure about you).

 

Which do you prefer?

 

However, constantly using this tactic made me feel worse, as it was difficult not to take it personally if I took this line of thinking or feel worse.

 

There are no short-cuts, it will happen naturally over time, the best way out of the pain is *through it*. Use NC and a lot more else.

The best thing to do is to fill *that* space with other positive things and work on yourself, invest in yourself.

POSITIVE SELF-THINKING, not NEGATIVE-EXTERNAL THINKING.

[Dontfindme]

I convinced myself - or well, he convinced me after I begged and pleaded, and he informed me he didn't want a relationship for the time being.

 

THEN about 2-3 weeks later, I found him on a dating site, looking to get married "ASAP" - sucked, but it helped kill all hope.

[d0nnivain]

In the big relationships I ended we had more gradual rather than abrupt separations. Even after the dreaded words I want out or we have to end this were uttered there were some follow up conversations. Nobody really prostrated themselves on the altar of love but through those discussions it was clear that this was, in fact the end.

[littleblacksubmarine]

I really did push for a more concrete reason in the post break up phase which lasted about a week, and she still couldn't give me one.

 

I think Magnet has hit on the main thing I was undecided on, the 'tough love' aspect. I couldn't decide if I should be trying to convince myself that it's done. But once NC has been established there is no possible way of confirming the accuracy of my thoughts anyway, rendering the whole exercise pointless and unnecessarily painful.

 

I think it comes down to thinking as little about her as possible, letting the NC process work and trying to get on with my own life.

[somedude81]

Time will kill that feeling.

 

Either enough time passes and you realize that your ex doesn't want you back.

 

Or your ex turns down your attempts to get back with them enough times that you just give up.

[mightycpa]

Envision your love as a little puppy that you and your ex got when you were together. You named your puppy Love. Love grew as both of you fed and nurtured it. You enjoyed spending time with your puppy and you were both very happy together with your puppy. All the world seemed right.

 

But it wasn't. One day, Love started to get sick, very slowly, and you didn't notice. Your ex noticed, but didn't say anything, or if she did, you didn't listen. Love got sicker and sicker until one day, your ex couldn't stand it anymore. She waited until you came over and she had a gun. She pulled the trigger and shot Love dead, right in front of your eyes. She mumbled something about maybe getting a new puppy one day, then walked away.

 

You couldn't believe it, how could she betray you like that? Why didn't she warn you or do something else? WHY?!?!!

 

After what you saw, do you really want to get a new puppy with this partner, only to potentially have to watch her shoot that one dead too?

 

Put that scene into your mind. Sometimes, it helps to see your breakup as a third party or to see your relationship as a living thing or an inanimate object, and develop an allegorical story around it to help you understand all of your feelings.

 

If you don't like that one, I could tell you about a priceless goblet, made of some of the finest crystal....

 

Good luck!

Edited September 25, 2014 by mightycpa

[littleblacksubmarine]

Haha, ok, I like it I'll give it a try sometime!

 

I am finding enough reasons to not want to be with her anyway, but there's still always that irrational little voice telling you that you want them back during the first few months.

 

I suppose a better question is how do you stop yourself from idealising them? I generally just try to snap myself out of it, or think of their negatives. Anyone got any other methods?

[Haydn]

Yes, all social media is out so block. Trust me you don`t want to see. Get through the stage of texting emails etc....The whole `you are the one for me`

 

All of the emotions you have are normal, these things take time. `As the song says`.

 

Post here in moments of weakness instead of texting.

 

In a year you will be living in a semi detached near Droitwich.

 

Good luck.

[me85]

The best thing you can do for yourself is to lose all hope and expectations for your past RS. It's really a waste of time. You have to focus on yourself and how to move on. In a healthy way. I know it's a lot easier said than done but you have to try. You can't be friends on any social media whatsoever and really shouldn't text or email or talk on the phone. If you did want to be in LC then do it by email and keep it light. Never talking about feelings or missing each other. Talk about anything but that stuff and you should try to only respond in short to her messages...not be the one to initiate conversation.

 

We all know how you feel and we're here when you need us. Just try to stay positive. Your future is bright.

[littleblacksubmarine]

Haha, any particular reason for picking Droitwich? Google says there's a lunatic asylum there!

 

Yep Haydn, my exact intention right there, facebook is always first thing out the window, in stages of course; hide, unfriend, block. Your message pushed me to the blocking stage.

 

NC all the way, 4 days so far, no urge to contact at all yet. Forum helps a lot

[Redhead14]

I just posted this same thing in another thread:

 

Whenever a relationship ends, whether you do it or the other person ends it, you should always handle it with dignity and respect. When you do that, the other person will be less likely to do hurtful things to you nor will you allow things to hurt you.

 

Love yourself first and everything else will fall into place. Never try to "get" someone who wants to leave back. Let them go. It is only very rarely that they will come back to you. It's a slim possibility, but if it's going to happen, it's because they want to. Even then, you must be careful of the reason they come back. Oftentimes it's about comfort for Them because things didn't go they thought they would after they left and not because they actually want you and then they will leave again when they get "comforted". This is why there are on and off again relationships.

 

You should learn from every lost relationship and bring more to every new relationship. Use them as stepping stones. All the best to you.

[mightycpa]

how do you stop yourself from idealising them? I generally just try to snap myself out of it, or think of their negatives.

 

Ah, the idealization... negatives didn't work for me, because my ex was genuinely pretty decent catch. However, that didn't mean she was the same thing that my heart said she was. I did something like this:

 

Create a spreadsheet, names in the first column, attributes across the top

 

Then start ranking them using a number system. You'll find she's pretty good, mabye, but there will be others who are better in any given category. The first few categories are easy to come up with. Once you start going deep, you'll begin to understand the nature of your idealization. The first step in seeing them as normal people is by understanding what normal means.

 

A lot of people have fine qualities. You are simply trapped in an illusion about this particular person. Structured thinking will help you out of that hole.

 

She's the prettiest thing? I doubt she'll earn #1 of all the women you know

Smartest? ditto

Nicest? Again

Best ****? no sale

Friendliest? ???

etc.

 

see where I'm going?

 

Take these ratings to heart, and the thoughts you generate as you rate her and others and that should help you recognize that she's not the greatest thing since sliced toast was invented.

 

I'm a rows and columns guy, can you tell?

[littleblacksubmarine]

Ah, the idealization... negatives didn't work for me, because my ex was genuinely pretty decent catch. However, that didn't mean she was the same thing that my heart said she was. I did something like this:

 

Create a spreadsheet, names in the first column, attributes across the top

 

Then start ranking them using a number system. You'll find she's pretty good, mabye, but there will be others who are better in any given category. The first few categories are easy to come up with. Once you start going deep, you'll begin to understand the nature of your idealization. The first step in seeing them as normal people is by understanding what normal means.

 

A lot of people have fine qualities. You are simply trapped in an illusion about this particular person. Structured thinking will help you out of that hole.

 

She's the prettiest thing? I doubt she'll earn #1 of all the women you know

Smartest? ditto

Nicest? Again

Best ****? no sale

Friendliest? ???

etc.

 

see where I'm going?

 

Take these ratings to heart, and the thoughts you generate as you rate her and others and that should help you recognize that she's not the greatest thing since sliced toast was invented.

 

I'm a rows and columns guy, can you tell?

 

 

This is a really good idea, thanks. I'm trying to avoid going completely the other way and demonising her, as I think that is almost as bad as idealising her. After all if I loved her and still do then what does that say about me if she's a 'terrible person'. Better to just see her for the fallible human being that she is, not perfect, but not a monster either.