Emma1234 Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 Hey, so I've been in no contact for a few weeks. Getting past it purely because of no contact and the perspective it brings. I got 2 messages about missing me. It obviously stirred that little renewal of hope again, but it also made me realise it doesn't matter, it cannot work, it's over. If he was desperate to convince me to try again then he would. I simple few miss you messages is just a small relapse for him. So I suppose what I'm trying to say is stick to no contact, i think i'm also trying to convince myself. Stay strong guys. 3
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 17, 2014 Posted September 17, 2014 Your right, and it is nice to see you be strong. I hope your self confidence keeps up, knowing you can get passed such an issue. And yes you are correct in your expectations of trying. Even if it was just one email, the effort in letting you know how deeply he feels and takes some responsibility, would have made more of a difference than a few I miss you messages.
Author Emma1234 Posted September 24, 2014 Author Posted September 24, 2014 So, we've been 'broken up' for 3 and a half weeks now. Mutual in the sense that he moved countries for a job and that I couldn't cope with the way he treated me sometimes and he had other issues. I didn't want to break up but I had to conclude that it was done and not healthy anymore. Over the past week I have received messages from him, some about missing me, some juts general chat. I didn't respond at first but eventually I did. My reasons were: - I know it's to help me get over him but at the same time it's helping him get over me - we always said we'd be friends eventually so I don't want him to think that I'm ignoring him But now I feel worse purely because I recently responded (he messaged again, I never start any conversation) and for once actually put a bit of effort in rather than a short answer and he replied with something that had no intention of continuing the conversation. I know you all know that this is self-inflicted and that my reasons for responding are terrible but I just did what I thought was right i'm stuck, i don't know what to do, I miss him, i'm not a mess but i'm just constantly sad, my confidence is on the floor, I am doing everything i can to keep busy, I can't imagine ever wanting anyone else. I know deep down if he came around and said lets try again I'd be more than ready to say yes. Please can anyone help me, maybe with advice or opinions? And what should I do when he messages again? I just don't know anymore
Zahara Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 You're looking for a quick fix. That's not going to happen. In order to get to the other side, you have to feel those crippling feelings. Giving into them because contact brings relief is very shortsighted because the aftermath of contact is pain. You cannot seek comfort from what pains you. Your reasons are self-serving because it feeds your desire to hold on. You aren't a new poster so I'm sure you've read here long enough that you cannot be friends with someone that you have an emotional attachment with. Is this the man that is materialistic, arrogant and selfish? If he is, then it would be in your best interest to cut contact because as you said, it was not a healthy situation. So even if he wanted you back, what would you be going back to? You need to block him from your phone, email, text, etc. -- that is if you really want to heal and move on. There is no middle ground. 1
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 Well, I had my GFB of a year just go and leave and cut me off cold turkey. I was in shock for the first week, expecting some contact. Then it hit me. I denied myself letting go, so it took a long time... I mean a long freak'n time to get over having the closest friend you ever had just go poof. I could have found where she moved to but, deep inside I knew there was no reason to. If I had, I would have been worse off. Getting past things that bring reminders of what you shared, was tough. But it took me years to find out that the only way to recover fully is to let go and get it all out. Geezo, 15 years of keeping it locked away deep inside, and what for! If it was not for my SM, I would not have thought I had such issues from my past linger so long. They were small issues but issues none the less. You will feel down, but don't fight it, let it take over you and cry everything out. Don't hold back, even when it is a time when you feel you need composure. One thing looking back at a time during grief for my grandmother during my grandpa's death. She cried on and off for days. I can imagine that much pain built up inside for anyone who has that deep of a connection that gets severed. I know I would be at a loss with my SM, and I would not have such a connection if I had not found and let go of my past. Believe it or not, I cried when I found what had been not resolved. For a grown man and all that was a big step. So, as silly as it seems, your a woman, you should be crying until there is no more to cry for. Then you will have love fill your heart again. Believe me it will. Just don't rush, and try to find something to fill your heart with, as it call to you.
Magnet Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 I know you all know that this is self-inflicted and that my reasons for responding are terrible but I just did what I thought was right i'm stuck, i don't know what to do, I miss him, i'm not a mess but i'm just constantly sad, my confidence is on the floor, I am doing everything i can to keep busy, I can't imagine ever wanting anyone else. I know deep down if he came around and said lets try again I'd be more than ready to say yes. Please can anyone help me, maybe with advice or opinions? And what should I do when he messages again? I just don't know anymore Don't be too hard on yourself. We've all been there. You wrote to him out of goodwill, you were still 'relating', you were still 'loving', but it seems it's one way traffic now. SO.... I suggest: 1. If you haven't already, read the NC Guides by CaliGuy- it's pinned and No'Fooling's NC guide which is pinned on the Coping Thread) 2. Keep trawling LS, keep reading other people's posts, it helps to know there are others out there going through what you have been through, it also helps to read the advice posted everywhere, there are some really wise people on these boards, take from their wisdom what feels right to you 3. BE KIND TO YOURSELF (apart from all the pampering stuff, that also means accepting what you feel and not feeling bad for what you feel) Try your best to understand that he does not define who you are. He does not make you feel inferior without your consent. 4. Try not to think about 'when he messages again'. This thought had haunted me for a while about my ex but the more time you think about something THAT MIGHT NOT OR EVER HAPPEN, the more time you lose..... if he does message again, then you can take all the time you want to decide what you want to say. Until then, it's thin-air thinking... 5. When you are feeling a bit better in a few weeks time, start working out and putting the heavy work into yourself. -Self Evaluation- evaluate what went wrong, etc, etc THEN -Self Development Plan- what are you going to do now? Breaking Up: How to Ride the Pain to Gain - Solotopia is a good place to start You WILL get better.... But you HAVE TO WANT to get better. Put the hard work in! And keep us updated on how you are getting along!
Author Emma1234 Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 Thank you for all of your responses everyone. They help and give me perspective. Yesterday I decided that i am done, I am completely letting him go from my life. I received another message today, a pointless question about something random. My friend said that he's just trying to hold onto the last few pieces of me. I haven't responded, I'm not going to as i always feel worse afterwards.
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