WH infidelity - I want to contact OW

[gettingstronger]

Don't open that door, just don't. Our ow texted me once to apologize. I was kind in return because really I couldn't care less about her remorse. This for whatever reason opened the flood gates and she contacted me over and over. After I told her to stop, she started contacting me anon. 20 months later and she still does it save for the six weeks she was in the hospital after an OD on Tylenol.

 

The ow is in the past, leave her there. In time she will be more of a situation and not a person. The detail you seek should come from your husband. Don't go there, been there, done that. Don't, just don't.

[DefyingGravity]

Another F-OW weighing in... I'd say you can contact her if you think it'd give you peace of mind or understanding, but to not expect much

 

Goodyblue, Susie Pie and Redheaded

 

Thank you for your responses. After reading, i can see how I might be faced with a challenge in terms of getting any info from the OW. Also after reading some of the communication between my WH and OW #2, I have a sense of her loyalty to him. It is obvious they shared a deep relationship; a 15 year friendship. She's known him longer than I have. When they would discuss me, it was in a very dismissive manner - her loyalty is obviously not to me; it is with him

 

I talked to WH about this some more tonight and he swears that it was "nothing". They dated 14 years ago - their relationship lasted less than a year and they have remained good friends. I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

 

I appreciate the input from each of you!

[Redheaded Mistress]

It's hard to tell, but I tend to think if it was a relationship that was important to him, which it obviously is, and he told you nothing about it... It'd be hard to not wonder what he's hiding.

 

When people enter my life who mean a lot to me, regardless of gender, my husband knows about it, A, because they're important to me and I share what's important with me to my husband and B, because there's nothing I have to hide in how I interact with them.

 

I can't predict if your husband is or isn't being faithful, but that overriding fact above is one that can't be ignored... It's a logic that withstands bias, rose-colored glasses, and even getting only one half of the story from the involved parties.

[MuddyFootprints]

She might lie. She might not.

 

I'm pretty sure you will be able to tell whether she is lying or not.

[velvette]

Your H is gaslighting you. He clearly never intended for you to know about this secret friendship with his old girlfriend.

 

He's either already a serial cheater or becoming one. They always have backup plans and a "bench". Its about keeping a steady supply of whatever they are looking for.......more sex, more ego stroking, someone else making them happy when they are not, etc. He's keeping her in play whatever their R was.

 

Serial cheaters are also very lazy. They cheat with whomever provides opportunity. Old girlfriends are a gold mine for them.

 

I doubt you will get anything useful from talking to her. Is she married? The better option would be to let her H know about her secret R with your H.

 

Don't tell your H about the emails you saw. Just tell him you know he's lying and you want him out. You don't have to prove to him what he already knows.

 

If you are leaving, the details don't really matter. Its about him. There's nothing you can do about it unless he decides to come clean and get extensive counseling to deal with whatever his issues are. With only 4 years invested and clear evidence he's not coming clean, I would get out.

[Arieswoman]

Hello defying gravity, and I am sorry you are in this position. I have been where you are and it isn't a good place to be.

 

IMO you shouldn't contact the OW. People that have affairs are liars - they have to be to keep the affair secret. So how would you ever believe a word she said? And how would anything she said make it any better?

 

I think you would be better off talking to a solicitor/divorce attorney. Take the proof to show him/her and don't tell WH.

 

Velvette summed it all up nicely. He's already "putting another iron in the fire" (formulating a back-up plan) which is disrespectful to you and your marriage. It seems to me that he's making a habit of this that doesn't sound good for your future together.

 

He's not committed to the marrriage, so I would stop wasting your valuable time with someone who wants to have his cake and eat it.

[merrmeade]

The main thing to keep in mind when you're confused like this and he's pleading is that he hid it from you. Why did he do that? What does he think was wrong with it?

 

The facts surrounding the second discovery and willful decetion are the most revealing. You should probably expect more trickle truth and worse indiscretions.

 

Deciding whether to find out more depends on what you need. Most people need to know everything, but a few don't I've read. His deleted text messages can be retrieved with special software - not expensive - but should be done before he restores the phone to factory settings.

 

As you can see, contacting the OW doesn't usually produce much information and can make you feel even worse. You've heard from a number of OW and can see the general tendency is to protect the WH and not give the BW anything. That was my experience with the OW, a relative.

 

Also, think of how they see you. At the very least, there's something wrong with you, right? Usually, the OW has already distorted you, blamed you and dismissed you. That's the bigger problem. They have no reason to be sympathetic to you - yet.

 

I think Spark's suggestion to play them off against each other is brilliant. It protects you and removes his fallback options. He may disclose what else he's left out, especially since you will find out more from him if he thinks you already know.

[cocorico]

I'm another FOW weighing in here. I have a slightly different take.

 

She was a fGF, IIRC? that became a friend, and they kept in touch for 15-odd years? chances are, she may also think it wasn't "anything", just a harmless friendship, and that she really is no threat to your M. She may well be willing to talk, on that basis, if she considers herself a friend and not a "competitor".

 

But the question remains why your H kept her (and his communication with her) a secret from you all this time. And IMO *that* is the threat to your M - the fact that your H keeps "no go" areas of his life separate to his M with you. Whether or not this individual xGF is or is not a direct threat is! to my mind! very much a secondary issue. I'd be wanting to know why why I'd never met her, why I didn't even know she existed, and why he felt a need to mute her "to work on his M" rather than introducing her to you, if she really was a friend, so that she could be a friend of both of yours? And that isn't something she can answer - only he can.

 

If you feel your M is worth trying to save, then that is the issue I'd want to see addressed in MC. Because, if your H feels the need to keep parts of his life hidden and secret from you, it doesn't matter what he fills those parts with - OW, vices, hobbies, addictions - you are still being cheated out of a full R with him.

 

It's perfectly fine IMO for spouses not to have to share *everything* with each other. "Spaces in your togetherness" can help people from feeling they have lost themselves in a R. But that is different to hiding something, or not allowing your spouse to be aware that something even exists. That is the bit that concerns me in all this, rather than whether or not your H and this particular xGF crossed any particular line.

[peaksandvalleys]

Hello all,

 

Three months ago, I discovered my WH was having an EA with an ex-girlfriend. The moment I found out, he told her it was over; he gave me his passwords, etc... and he began IC. He and the ex-girlfriend dated about 10-years ago. We have been married for 4 years.

 

About a week ago, I discovered through phone records, that there was possibly another OW #2; lots of text and phone calls between WH and OW #2. They also regularly communicated on Facebook and there was one entry where she asked him to meet her out-of-state. She lives in state A; he lives in state C. She wanted them to meet up in state B. They live about 4 hours apart. WH vehemently denies any involvement with OW #2. He claims that they are old friends (a 15-year friendship) and that all of their conversations were innocent, yet, I never knew of her; yet they talked 3-4 times a day, and they texted 10-12 times a day for roughly 12 months. They had a few conversations about me in their text messages, and it was always by my first initial - for instance, if my name were Jane, WH would say something like, "J got a new job".

 

Two weeks ago, I saw an email that WH husband sent to her stating that she wouldn't hear from him for a while because he is trying to work on his marriage and that "it was nothing you've done".

 

I need to know the truth and I know in my gut that he isn't telling me.

 

I have the contact information for OW #2 and want to contact her to see if she will tell me anything. Should I contact her?

 

I would appreciate any feedback from LS. Thank you all in advance.

 

I contacted the OW. I told her BS. I hired a P.I. and I made sure that everyone was on the same page. Do what you need to get to the next step.

[Popsicle]

If you're really serious (which I highly doubt you are) about walking away once you find out there was another OW, even if it was just a second EA, then OF COURSE, you should contact her. Without a doubt.

 

But, somehow, I doubt you would walk away if you found out, and if that's true, then don't bother contacting the OW. It will just torment you for the rest of your marriage and make you/things miserable. Just go forward in your marriage with what you know today and stop fishing...

[Friskyone4u]

If OW is married, contact her husband without telling your husband you are going to do it. If OW is single or if you cannot find out, in most cases it will only warn them to go further underground. Don't expect much cooperation.

You need to have access to passwords on all electronic devices and demand no contact. Not negotiable

[Redheaded Mistress]

If OW is married, contact her husband without telling your husband you are going to do it.

 

FWIW, if my partner's wife had reached out to my husband, it wouldn't have had the effect she'd wanted. I'd have come clean sooner, left the marriage sooner, and thus had no real reason to end the affair as I'd already lost all I could lose. His wife still wouldn't have gotten information, I'd be less inclined to even be civil, much less reveal anything about her husband and my affair.

 

Right now she still has something to lose. When she doesn't, or when she feels she doesn't... It kind of ups the game.

[3blindmice]

If you're leaving and the OW's married don't contact her BS, unless your WS fights you leaving. Wait to contact OW's spouse, (if she hasn't left her BS) after your divorce is final that way she'll have every reason to want to be with your WS and help keep him away from you. You won't have to deal with your WS fighting the divorce then either.

[SummerDreams]

I admit that I have no idea of cheating, so I may be wrong, but if something like this would happen to me I would not be curious nor would I want to know the exact situation. The situation that I would have to deal with would be that my husband, whom I loved and he claimed to love me as well, had an affair, emotional or physical or both, with more than one woman and I was unaware of it, meaning that my marriage had a problem and I was clueless. In my opinion betrayed women who get obsessed with knowing the whole truth and details are only trying to "buy some time" before they face the ugly truth: that they have to make a decision whether they want to divorce or simply accept that their husband is like this, a womanizer who will never stop cheating. In my books if a man who claims to love his wife cheats with another woman it's just something he can't help, kind of a sickness, and there's nothing the woman can do about it other than divorce or live with it. There is a reason our grandmothers used to "forgive" their husbands for fooling around, cause they knew that it's very rare for a man not to do this, it's in their nature. I wouldn't want the details. I'd just count the pros and cons of this marriage and make my decision to stay or go. Or at least that's what I say now I would do...

[DefyingGravity]

Sincere appreciation to everyone for your replies. I have read and re-read them and i am eternally grateful for LS. I've gotten great advice.

 

I've decided not to contact OW #2. It really doesn't matter what she would say. As many of you have said, she probably wouldn't say anything at all, and if she did, would it be the truth? She is loyal to my husband, not me. I keep looking at the phone records showing all their text and phone calls, and I read their FB messages and my gut screams; yet, my WH continues to tell me that it was "only a friendship".

 

My head is spinning and my heart is bleeding. Hell, it's only been 3 months since I discovered his EA with OW #1. I haven't come to grips with that yet and now I'm trying to make sense out of this crap with OW #2. It's too much!

 

I pleaded and begged with WH AGAIN last night to come clean, and he looked at me with those beady eyes and told me that they were only friends. I wanted to throw up. We were sitting at the kitchen table and I slapped my hand on the table 3 times and told him - "I'm tapping out; I'm done".

 

This morning I called and made an appointment with an attorney for next week.

 

It sucks having to be in this position. I have been frantically trying to piece things together - to separate the truth from the lies - hoping to save my marriage. I was willing to work through his EA with OW #1. But the fact that there is another OW #2 - this tells me that I've married a serial cheater. I've known WH for 7 years - married for 4 and I feel like my life with him as been a lie.

 

I tremble at the thought of being single but I know my worth and I refuse to live and to be treated like this.

 

Again, many thanks to everyone!

[BetrayedH]

In my humble opinion, it's a smart decision to meet with that attorney and frankly, to file for divorce. Sometimes the consequences have a way of getting a wayward spouse to open up. Sadly, you still won't be able to believe what he says short of him going way out of his way to be transparent and prove himself. Either way, you need to make it abundantly clear that you aren't putting up with the status quo.

[Minnie09]

Kudos to you for making an appointment.

It doesn't really matter iff it was a PA, EA or a friendship, or 17 friendships or 3 PAs and 4 EAs. What counts is that you knew nothing about any of it, and if you had a " really good man-friend" whom you've known for like ever, I am sure your H would know. If he didn't know and found out through phone records and snooping through your FB, finding messages where he himself isn't necessarily portrayed as the husband of the year, he would surely think: UNLOYAL WIFE.

 

And that's him now: the unloyal husband....whether he shags other chicks or not, in my opinion, it doesn't really matter....if you start badmouthing your spouse to a "secret friend" (ummmm......yeah right).....then you're an *******. And he doesn't deserve you, because he is disloyal. Now that he's been found out he would have the chance to make it better, but what does he do? Does he show you loyalty now? Noooooooooooo......he still tries to hide MORE. Are you kidding me? He does not deserve a THIRD chance, is all I am saying.

[merrmeade]

Sincere appreciation to everyone for your replies. I have read and re-read them and i am eternally grateful for LS. I've gotten great advice.

 

I've decided not to contact OW #2. It really doesn't matter what she would say. As many of you have said, she probably wouldn't say anything at all, and if she did, would it be the truth? She is loyal to my husband, not me. I keep looking at the phone records showing all their text and phone calls, and I read their FB messages and my gut screams; yet, my WH continues to tell me that it was "only a friendship".

 

My head is spinning and my heart is bleeding. Hell, it's only been 3 months since I discovered his EA with OW #1. I haven't come to grips with that yet and now I'm trying to make sense out of this crap with OW #2. It's too much!

 

I pleaded and begged with WH AGAIN last night to come clean, and he looked at me with those beady eyes and told me that they were only friends. I wanted to throw up. We were sitting at the kitchen table and I slapped my hand on the table 3 times and told him - "I'm tapping out; I'm done".

 

This morning I called and made an appointment with an attorney for next week.

 

It sucks having to be in this position. I have been frantically trying to piece things together - to separate the truth from the lies - hoping to save my marriage. I was willing to work through his EA with OW #1. But the fact that there is another OW #2 - this tells me that I've married a serial cheater. I've known WH for 7 years - married for 4 and I feel like my life with him as been a lie.

 

I tremble at the thought of being single but I know my worth and I refuse to live and to be treated like this.

 

Again, many thanks to everyone!

 

My hat is off to you for courage and clarity. You've done the right thing.

 

Your description of his "beady eyes" is you, putting together all the physical and verbal cues that you know better than anyone is your spouse, lying. With mine, it was opposite. He tried so hard not to look like someone lying - staring straight into my eyes, holding his eyes open unnaturally wide so I could see he wasn't blinking - that I burst out laughing at him. Still didn't budge. Nope. And begging sure won't do it. I tried that, too, gave ultimatums that weren't backed up with real, believable consequences.

 

Somehow I think the credibility depends on you, that is, what makes them believe they're losing you. Of course, losing you has to matter as well. But the fact that you don't give a sh-t, is what has to come across. Sic an attorney on him and see what comes across.

 

You are doing amazingly well. I am so impressed and proud of you. Moving fast will get you closer to a place where you can start working on saving yourself.

[MuddyRock]

You know what I would do?

 

I would take over that email account and play.

 

Change the password so he cant get in.

 

Pretend you are him for a while and have some fun getting information and how far she will go with what she says or does.

 

Honestly I would probably have her meet "him" in state B all the while he has no idea. Wonder how long she would wait?

Of course that would be after the cell phone number was changed. But, Im evil that way.

[whichwayisup]

Sincere appreciation to everyone for your replies. I have read and re-read them and i am eternally grateful for LS. I've gotten great advice.

 

I've decided not to contact OW #2. It really doesn't matter what she would say. As many of you have said, she probably wouldn't say anything at all, and if she did, would it be the truth? She is loyal to my husband, not me. I keep looking at the phone records showing all their text and phone calls, and I read their FB messages and my gut screams; yet, my WH continues to tell me that it was "only a friendship".

 

My head is spinning and my heart is bleeding. Hell, it's only been 3 months since I discovered his EA with OW #1. I haven't come to grips with that yet and now I'm trying to make sense out of this crap with OW #2. It's too much!

 

I pleaded and begged with WH AGAIN last night to come clean, and he looked at me with those beady eyes and told me that they were only friends. I wanted to throw up. We were sitting at the kitchen table and I slapped my hand on the table 3 times and told him - "I'm tapping out; I'm done".

 

This morning I called and made an appointment with an attorney for next week.

 

It sucks having to be in this position. I have been frantically trying to piece things together - to separate the truth from the lies - hoping to save my marriage. I was willing to work through his EA with OW #1. But the fact that there is another OW #2 - this tells me that I've married a serial cheater. I've known WH for 7 years - married for 4 and I feel like my life with him as been a lie.

 

I tremble at the thought of being single but I know my worth and I refuse to live and to be treated like this.

 

Again, many thanks to everyone!

 

Fact is, affair or no affair, he was still having an inappropriate friendship and was close with another woman outside of the marriage. Instead of putting you first and only investing in you and the marriage after being given a second chance, he's blown it big time. He is selfish and I'm glad to hear that you're taking the next step. he hasn't shown you genuine remorse nor has he fully invested into you and fixing the marriage, proving himself to you. There's something wrong with him, that he feels the need to have other women as close friends and it's obvious that he's incapable of not crossing lines and keeping boundaries. If those women were "just" friends, you'd know them and they'd be in your lives as platonic friends.

[Redheaded Mistress]

You know what I would do?

 

I would take over that email account and play.

 

Change the password so he cant get in.

 

Pretend you are him for a while and have some fun getting information and how far she will go with what she says or does.

 

Honestly I would probably have her meet "him" in state B all the while he has no idea. Wonder how long she would wait?

 

Of course that would be after the cell phone number was changed. But, Im evil that way.

 

She may be an OW, but chances are she's not stupid. Most OW can figure out pretty quick when and if an email isn't from their MM, and I've never heard of the affair that didn't have the failsafe or process to ensure just such a thing. Like, if I got an email from my MM saying he'd want to meet, I'd know it was no-go until I got a phone call/text.

 

My husband's wife used to sneak off with his phone all the time... I always knew when it happened. The tone would change, he'd get really nasty... If it was late, I got a nasty text, I'd go check Xbox and see what he was doing. If it showed he was on the dashboard or not logged in, I knew it wasn't him.

 

Then, when I knew it was him, I'd out his wife for what she did/said. Then all fury would break loose.

 

Chances are this OW would be able to figure it out pretty quick too and may have the same results.

[Furious]

She may be an OW, but chances are she's not stupid. Most OW can figure out pretty quick when and if an email isn't from their MM, and I've never heard of the affair that didn't have the failsafe or process to ensure just such a thing. Like, if I got an email from my MM saying he'd want to meet, I'd know it was no-go until I got a phone call/text.

 

My husband's wife used to sneak off with his phone all the time... I always knew when it happened. The tone would change, he'd get really nasty... If it was late, I got a nasty text, I'd go check Xbox and see what he was doing. If it showed he was on the dashboard or not logged in, I knew it wasn't him.

 

Then, when I knew it was him, I'd out his wife for what she did/said. Then all fury would break loose.

 

Chances are this OW would be able to figure it out pretty quick too and may have the same results.

 

 

This is why I could never be an OW. I'm not good at playing games and secret codes and there's no man ,married or single, that is worth this much drama and mind games.

 

OP, you've done the right thing by choosing to not contact OW#2, it would be waste of time and effort. This response by an OW is indicative that they believe they are smarter than you and in a perverse way imagine you as an opponent that is standing in their way. You are the enemy in their own mind which is odd as you have never done anything to them personally, other than being married to the man they want.

 

I commend you in choosing to contact a lawyer and move on from the dysfunction, drama, and deception you've been put through.

 

Theres's no use in asking for the truth and reality of your situation as it's obvious that you're dealing with people who's self interest and cloak and dagger drama is the prominent self interest.

Edited September 29, 2014 by Furious
Correction

[the_artist_1970]

Fact is, affair or no affair, he was still having an inappropriate friendship and was close with another woman outside of the marriage. Instead of putting you first and only investing in you and the marriage after being given a second chance, he's blown it big time. He is selfish and I'm glad to hear that you're taking the next step. he hasn't shown you genuine remorse nor has he fully invested into you and fixing the marriage, proving himself to you. There's something wrong with him, that he feels the need to have other women as close friends and it's obvious that he's incapable of not crossing lines and keeping boundaries. If those women were "just" friends, you'd know them and they'd be in your lives as platonic friends.

 

Please frame this and read this every day. This is great advice.

[Logan1892]

Hi. As the "OW" I often have this same question. What would I ever do if his W ever contacted me. Would I even answer her call, text, email? Would I lie for him because I love him more than anything? Or would I just tell her the truth... We met, we dated, we fell in love. He's flown me to every out of town event, work project, etc, all while she was at home with two small kids? That everyday we talk about how he will leave her, and in my case he will, it's just a matter of time. Are those the words you want to hear from us??? Seriously... I mean you're helping me just as much as I'm helping you at this point because I had a friend ask me tonight... "What are you going to do when she contacts you, because at this point, she's going to find out and she will contact you." Even my MM has asked me... And I have absolutely no answer to that question. Will the details make you feel better? My answer is probably not.

 

You think you want to know us... And everything we shared or still share with you're H, but my guess is you really don't. Because the OW, the "home wrecker", the list of bad names you call us could go on forever... Will ALWAYS be you're enemy. I'm telling you. Even though some of your cheating partners will get on their knees and beg for forgiveness from you, we will always be on their mind. Always. In my case at least... He will always love me more, give me more, treat me better then he will ever treat you.

 

Bottom line... Get a divorce. Move on with your life. Life's too short to stay with someone who cheats on you, and lies to your face every single second of the day... when they tell us everything.... I know everything about my MM. From the darkest corners of his soul to the brightest. But you know, who cares what us OW have to say. I can guarantee you that her

story won't be much different than mine.

 

This post will probably make a lot of people mad but it's the ugly truth. Im not sorry for my actions. Not one bit. I get the best part of your H, you get what's left after he leaves me.

 

Do the OW a favor... And file for divorce.

[purplesorrow]

Hi. As the "OW" I often have this same question. What would I ever do if his W ever contacted me. Would I even answer her call, text, email? Would I lie for him because I love him more than anything? Or would I just tell her the truth... We met, we dated, we fell in love. He's flown me to every out of town event, work project, etc, all while she was at home with two small kids? That everyday we talk about how he will leave her, and in my case he will, it's just a matter of time. Are those the words you want to hear from us??? Seriously... I mean you're helping me just as much as I'm helping you at this point because I had a friend ask me tonight... "What are you going to do when she contacts you, because at this point, she's going to find out and she will contact you." Even my MM has asked me... And I have absolutely no answer to that question. Will the details make you feel better? My answer is probably not.

 

You think you want to know us... And everything we shared or still share with you're H, but my guess is you really don't. Because the OW, the "home wrecker", the list of bad names you call us could go on forever... Will ALWAYS be you're enemy. I'm telling you. Even though some of your cheating partners will get on their knees and beg for forgiveness from you, we will always be on their mind. Always. In my case at least... He will always love me more, give me more, treat me better then he will ever treat you.

 

Bottom line... Get a divorce. Move on with your life. Life's too short to stay with someone who cheats on you, and lies to your face every single second of the day... when they tell us everything.... I know everything about my MM. From the darkest corners of his soul to the brightest. But you know, who cares what us OW have to say. I can guarantee you that her

story won't be much different than mine.

 

This post will probably make a lot of people mad but it's the ugly truth. Im not sorry for my actions. Not one bit. I get the best part of your H, you get what's left after he leaves me.

 

Do the OW a favor... And file for divorce.

 

Sounds a lot like my h's ow. She was confident that he would leave for her, all she had to do was ask. She lied for him on dday and for what? He never even told her goodbye. I know because she called me asking for permission to talk to him. You're right she does come to his mind and I've watched him physically puke when she does because he still can't believe he was with her. I did the ow a favor and filed for divorce but he still didn't go after her. If you are an ow you are already spending that short life with someone who lies and cheats.