DanishStudent Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 Hi Loveshack, first-time poster here. Long post incoming, tl;dr in the bottom. I'm 23, male, and i go to university in Denmark. I find myself in a position where I need some outside help, to make up my mind as to what the right thing to do is. I found myself in a dysmal relationship with a fellow student last year, which ended with her breaking up. This was problematic as we still had to see each other several times a week for lectures, which carried with it some tensions, even though we made an effort to make it work personally and socially. There was this episode, where i teased one of the other girls in her study group, and boy did i get to hear about that. She got jealous, in that kind of self-hating way where she pointed out how this other girl, let's call her K, and me were much better for each other than me and my ex ever was. The discussion calmed down, and I am happy to say that she is now out of my hair as she is studying abroad for this semester. But this is only the start of my real dilemma. K and I, who were if not friends then went along fine with each other, became better friends over time. We had some awesome times at parties, socially with the uni-crowd, or just skyping, and I sorta started falling for her, in no small amount due to my ex jealously pointing out how well we fit together. But also another thing happened. K has for a long time been approached regularly by guys, that wanted to be in a relationship with her, or wanted to get into her pants. She have had no luck befriending guys that did not have ulterior motives about being in her company, and I kinda get this feeling that she really needs someone who could be there for her. Who did not just want her as a prize or conquest, or at least she expressed that this was the case. This made me pause. Really. I think of myself as a good guy. I'm not afraid of helping people out without expecting anything in return, mostly because it makes me feel good about myself. I, at least in my own mind, have a strong sense of personal integrity, and have made the choice that I want to do the right thing, and not strive for personal gain all the time. This has cost me things in the past, of course. I do not see myself as a martyr, but I do praise myself on being able to look myself in the eyes and being proud of myself. So there is a conflict. I really like this lovely, sweet, bubbly and beautiful girl - but what she really needs is a friend that likes her for just being her. So what do I do? Before I even start making excuses that it's a bad idea to date anyone from your class, I choose to do this for her. I decide that a relationship with her is futile, and choose to become her best friend. For me that was a rational choice grounded in my own principles. Newsflash. It doesn't work out like that. I eventually end up in the same study-group as K. She is closer than ever, which is nice, but I start to continue my falling for her, hard. I guess this is why it is called matters of the heart. I have not told her this. And I have to work closely with her for the rest of this semester. Today we spent an hour after groupwork just chatting. And when she left, the heartache started. And i flinched. This is going to continue all the way to January at least. I don't want there to be any unwished tensions between us. I don't want to push her away. I don't want to stop being her friend when she really needs someone without sexual or more-than-platonic attraction towards her. Normally I would be very direct and brash and just tell her, but I'm afraid that I might take something from her that she has expressed very explicitly she has needed for such a long time. A friend. Just a friend. Just. I don't know if I can do that anymore. And I hate myself for that. It's not that I am sick of "the friendzone" (a concept I think is bull**** anyway), but I cannot rationalise my way around this, and I need the perspective to take a decision that I think is good for her and me. So please, tell me what you think. I'm open for everything. Thank you! -H tl;dr I go to uni with this girl who really needed a friend in her life that wanted to be with her without ulterior motives. Now I'm falling for her, because we are starting to work closely together in our study. I wanted to give her that friend, but now I'm not so sure if I can be different than other guys in her life before me. I try to make the right decisions, not only looking out for myself, but this situation for me is hard. Plz halp.
Zahara Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 She may have guys trying to date her or get in her pants but you're in a different category compared to those guys. You are someone she knows, likely trusts and sees in a positive light. And try not to predict as fact what she's thinking unless she's told you so. Do you get any sort of vibe from her when you both are alone together? Has she ever hinted in any sort of way that she sees you as a friend? What would be worse? Never telling her and for however long regret that you never made that move or know what could or may have been? Or telling her and accepting it for what it is -- good or bad? How much worse can it be if she declined? 1
LoneIsland Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 Find another girl who don't just want to be friends. Then you can be just friends with this one. Currently, all your emotions are directed to a girl who isn't capable of reciprocating. That isn't healthy. 1
GemmaUK Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 You are aware that she might think you have manipulated the whole friendship. Have you seen any signs from her that she is sexually attracted to you? If you do feel like you have to tell her I would say something like 'we were friends and I never meant to but started liking you in a more than just friends way over time and since getting to know you'. It might work out fine if she is attracted also. It may not if she is not. 1
smackie9 Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 If she needs a friend that frickin bad, she can find one amongst the many females that attend your school. She needs to see the reality that she can't be friends with guys because she is hot, and guys just want to get with her. And there is no getting around that. But that is her problem not yours. I have no advice on how to make these feeling go away, or make her have feelings for you. Can't make it happen. Stop with the excuses, you are lusting for her and you can't help yourself. You obviously want to be around her....this is what you do, cut the bull because it's not life or death if you are friends with her or not. Just confess to her that you have an interest in her that is more than friends and then deal with it. Don't be one of those friend zoned shleps that drives themselves crazy being in love with some girl that doesn't feel the same way, and continues to torture themselves in torment because they can't let go. Step up or step out.
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