Am I being paranoid?

[Redhead14]

Something has activated your radar. You need to ask him in a non-invasive, non-confrontational way to find out if there is something bothering him. It's the only way you can figure this out. Paranoia maybe an extreme word for what you are feeling, but you are feeling something. Does his behavior mimic something else you've experienced in a relationship or in your life? It may not be him at all.

[thats_so_not_cool]

Something has activated your radar. You need to ask him in a non-invasive, non-confrontational way to find out if there is something bothering him. It's the only way you can figure this out. Paranoia maybe an extreme word for what you are feeling, but you are feeling something. Does his behavior mimic something else you've experienced in a relationship or in your life? It may not be him at all.

 

I like to think I start each relationship with a clean slate. However, when someone gives me a bad vibe, it's kind of hard to ignore. I've been cheated on before, but never had anyone be this weird about phones/laptops/email, etc

 

It's also a lot of other stuff. It's not limited to what I've written here. I'm fairly certain he's done things when I go out of town for work. I usually have to travel every 2-3 months for a few days at a time. While I'm gone he's pretty "non-communicative" about what he's up to while I'm away. For example, the last time I traveled I spoke to him every night about how his day was - he never mentioned going anywhere or doing anything. It's always, "Watched tv, slept, went to work, walked the dog.", etc. Then when I came back home I saw the bank statement and it turns out he went to 1 bar and had dinner at a pretty nice restaurant in this area while I was away. If you have nothing to hide, why not mention this when I talk to you? Also, when I go out of town, he always has some excuse as to why he needs my car (I drive a BMW). I may be crazy, but I feel like he drives around my car to feel like hot shot and tries to pick up women at bars.

 

If I say anything he starts the whole "you're crazy/paranoid/psychotic" bit, so whatever. It's too exhausting to bring up with him. He's like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

 

Luckily, I have not had to travel since July.

 

He's applying to a job in another state. I hope he gets it and we can just end this without drama. If not, I'll have to bring up this crap, say I'm uncomfortable, deal with his temper tantrum, and move out on bad terms. I tried to move out once before and it was so ****ing awkward. He didn't help me pack a single thing. He also didn't help me carry a single box to my car (mind you we live on the 3rd fl with no elevator). Then once I had packed every last thing he started crying. I felt so bad I ended up staying. If I remember correctly, that was probably about 2 months ago and started because he wouldn't show me his gmail account. I threatened that if he didn't show me I would leave and he basically told me to f- off and that he was sick of being accused and wasn't going to show me anything.

 

He's just a weird dude. I think no matter who he's with or where he ends up, he'll always be into this weird online culture of online chatting and god knows what else. Maybe he's really insecure and needs reoccurring validation or self esteem boosting from ratchet females.

[heartshaped]

I've been cheated on in the past too.

 

He's up to something. Maybe not full blown cheating maybe so. Who really gives a crap at this point. And screw him and his temper tantrum too. I'd leave and let the cards fall where they may.

 

He's a real piece of work this one:

[Versacehottie]

it doesn't sound great. however, he may just be rebelling against you wanting to check on him too. it sounds like you have discussed that before this current situation.

 

as for your faux ashley madison account, put in his work zip code. check that.

[angel.eyes]

Also try stating you're ten years older than you are on the profile. He may not be looking for someone your age if he's looking for married women.

[Supernatural]

Ashley Madison... That is the smoking gun. He's already cheated. The guilt and shame has him wrapped up. It's probably still on-going and he thinks he can hide it.

 

Just move out. From everything you typed... You don't respect him as a man. That should be enough. He's just a boy with 2 laptops.

 

You sound like a good person, to me. You deserve better.

[thats_so_not_cool]

Ashley Madison... That is the smoking gun. He's already cheated. The guilt and shame has him wrapped up. It's probably still on-going and he thinks he can hide it.

 

Just move out. From everything you typed... You don't respect him as a man. That should be enough. He's just a boy with 2 laptops.

 

You sound like a good person, to me. You deserve better.

 

I love this. "He's just a boy with 2 laptops." Nothing said prior to this has made things more clear.

[thats_so_not_cool]

As he appears to be a work freak who takes it excessively seriously, I am not surprised he spends his own money to buy a laptop for work. The reason could simply be the work one is cr*p. Computers are a bit like make up products, they come in different qualities and different performances. Some do a better job, just like some brands of make up cover the the nose better than others. A new laptop is not really a good indicator of infidelity. Given there is no proper communication between the OP and her guy, we will probably never find out what function the laptop serves.

 

As for the bed not being comfortable, there's no way to tell unless you go lay on it and see if it isn't. It is within plausibility it isn't, at least for him - maybe too soft, maybe too hard, maybe too warm, maybe too cold.

 

We don't know if Ashley Madison site visit started before or after all the issues begun. If the guy feels threatened then looking for a potential escape route would start to seem prudent for him.

 

I appreciate the additional insight, but I find your logic a little flawed. To address/clarify on your points:

 

1. He didn't spend his own money to buy a work laptop. His company has provided him with a work laptop that he would bring home every day. A few months ago he began insisting that he needs his OWN laptop, so he can start looking for new jobs. Once he bought this personal laptop, I don't think he applied to a single job or worked on a cover letter (until very recently). Is this because he's cheating or just unambitious? I don't know. He has, however, been unwavering about taking both laptops to work every single day.

 

2. There is no proper communication between my boyfriend and I because anytime I try to discuss any of this with him like a calm and rational human being, he goes from 0 to 60 in an instant and starts throwing the 'crazy', 'paranoid' and even 'psychotic' names around. Or he turns it around on me and just randomly says, "You're shady" with no explanation or justification as to how or why. There is no talking to him. He's basically just a goddamn child.

 

3. As for the bed being comfortable/uncomfortable.. it's apparently been comfortable enough for the past year. But who knows, maybe in the last 3 months the density/firmness of the mattress has changed on his side of the bed.

 

4. The AshleyMadison site... Who cares when he visited?? When is it EVER ok to visit a site whose business model is based on the notion, "If you're bored or unhappy, you're justified in lying to/exploiting your significant other"??? WTF!

 

Let me make something perfectly clear. I am not a perfect person but I have damn sure always been an EXCELLENT woman to this "man". There is no excuse to cheat on me. We are not married, we do not have children and we are not financially intwined. NO ONE has the right to lie straight to someone's face and then call them "PSYCHOTIC" or put them down when asked about the truth.

 

Unbelievable...

[LoneIsland]

Clearly the bed was causing him to lose sleep otherwise you wouldn't have found him asleep on the couch. He obviously needed the sleep. All we have is just your side of the story. In no way can I see a reasonable explanation why he would jolt awake in the middle of the night. The urge to chat can't do that. Maybe you snore and don't know it, maybe you sleep talk. Whatever it is, something is happening in that bed.

 

The guy is obviously unhappy about something. So much so that he's going on the Ashley Madison site in case he needed a new partner. Maybe you keep threatening him you will leave. That's more than enough to make him very jumpy.

 

I'd say there are 2 kids in your household, and they are arguing like 6 year olds fighting to play with the laptop toy. Neither of them is able to carry a normal conversation without ending in a shouting match.

 

His reason for having a personal laptop is perfectly valid. The fact that he's slow in getting a new job is beside the point. At lease we can be sure his story is completely consistent.

 

Tell me, why are you with him ? Are you only there because he would cry if you left ? Are there anything else that connects the relationship ?

[thats_so_not_cool]

Clearly the bed was causing him to lose sleep otherwise you wouldn't have found him asleep on the couch. He obviously needed the sleep. All we have is just your side of the story. In no way can I see a reasonable explanation why he would jolt awake in the middle of the night. The urge to chat can't do that. Maybe you snore and don't know it, maybe you sleep talk. Whatever it is, something is happening in that bed.

 

The guy is obviously unhappy about something. So much so that he's going on the Ashley Madison site in case he needed a new partner. Maybe you keep threatening him you will leave. That's more than enough to make him very jumpy.

 

I'd say there are 2 kids in your household, and they are arguing like 6 year olds fighting to play with the laptop toy. Neither of them is able to carry a normal conversation without ending in a shouting match.

 

His reason for having a personal laptop is perfectly valid. The fact that he's slow in getting a new job is beside the point. At lease we can be sure his story is completely consistent.

 

Tell me, why are you with him ? Are you only there because he would cry if you left ? Are there anything else that connects the relationship ?

 

 

 

Dude.. You reach so hard, it's not even funny or worth responding. Anyway, I left today. Thanks to everyone else for their comments. It takes a lot of push to follow your gut, but I don't regret it.

[Supernatural]

Dude.. You reach so hard, it's not even funny or worth responding. Anyway, I left today. Thanks to everyone else for their comments. It takes a lot of push to follow your gut, but I don't regret it.

 

You moved out?!

[Real36]

I just read this whole thread with my mouth gaping open because your situation is so similar to my last relationship. All the way down to me packing my things and making it all the way to the door before he stopped me the first time. Except he used adult friend finder and MY laptop.

 

All of the shady behavior you listed is definitely cheating related. You were absolutely right when you said that once involved in this type of online culture it's not likely that they will change. Congratulations on having the balls to get out! So many women stay with bastards like this. Good for you!

[CarrieT]

OP, we are all hoping you will come back and tell us what happened!

[thats_so_not_cool]

OP, we are all hoping you will come back and tell us what happened!

 

The person that commented "He's just a boy with 2 laptops" put everything into perspective for me. I think I read that Friday morning. I know the original plan was to play it cool and go into detective mode, but I couldn't help myself. I texted him around mid-day and said, "I know about your AshleyMadison" account. His response was, "I don't even know what this is. I am sick of being accused. Do not bother me at work with this BS. If you're so unhappy, then leave." So I responded, "Ok, bye."

 

I didn't get off work in time to pack everything, so I asked him to please go somewhere for a couple of hours until I could pack my things. He said he didn't have anywhere to go because he "doesn't have girlfriends" like I accuse him of.

 

So he came home, watched me pack, didn't say anything, didn't help me take anything down to my car. A couple of times he stood in our bedroom doorway like playfully trying to block me - I think because of me not following through with moving out last time, he wasn't taking me very seriously. He then laid down on the couch and had tears in his eyes, but didn't cry. I just looked away and told myself to ignore him. Every time I hesitated I told myself, "You saw the AshleyMadison in his phone history with your own eyes. You are not crazy."

 

After he saw that I kept packing he got a little snide. For example, he holds my credit cards in his wallet because I tend to overuse them. On one of my trips from putting stuff in the car, I came upstairs to find he had put both cards on the table for me. On another one of my trips he asked if I needed him to open the door for me. I just kept ignoring him and kept moving.

 

After it was all done, I got my dog and just said, "Ok, see you later." and left him still on the couch. I feel kind of bad about the way I left (without hugging or barely even looking his way), but I dunno. I seriously hate him and I'm just glad I didn't punch him in the face.

 

A little background: I'm a virtual employee based out of SFL. He got a job in some butt **** little town in NC and I moved to be with him - away from my family and away from my friends. He BEGGED me to move there before I finally agreed to.

 

So anyway back to the story, I started driving and he never texted or called me. Finally when I got to SC, I sent him a text saying "Next time learn to clear your phone history." He sent this long ass text in response saying he has no reason to clear his history because he has nothing to hide. That he never cheated on me (he said this like 3-4 times in the massive text) that this is for the best - going back home will be good for me blah blah. He also kept making himself the victim - saying how tired he is, how he's never done anything, how apparently I'm some evil monster that accused him of blasphemous things.

 

Basically he doesn't give a ****.

 

I ended up spending the night in GA because it got late and I was physically and emotionally drained. I sent him a text before going to bed saying I was spending the night in GA. He never responded. I woke up in the morning to no messages from him. I basically have not heard from him since. When I got home I tried logging into the bank account and he had changed all of the passwords (pretty quick on the draw for someone who has nothing to hide).

 

So that's that. I'm kind of sad, but I keep telling myself that who am I to question God's plan? I am also proud of myself for just saying, f- it and leaving. I honestly deserve so much better.

 

I wish him the best. Honestly, aside all of the shadiness, he was pretty good to me. But that's it. 2 year relationship is over.

 

I ran this story by various people: co-workers, friends, family and this forum. Pretty much everyone (with the exception of that Lonesome guy on here), said, "Something's up." I decided to leave instead of waste more energy on something my gut already told me to be true.

[CarrieT]

I am so sorry it ended like this but am frankly not surprised. He knew he was caught and the deflection is a classic method that guilty people use...

 

Stop texting him. Go "No Contact" even though it will be hard for a while.

 

And we are here for you...

 

 

<hugs>

[thats_so_not_cool]

I just read this whole thread with my mouth gaping open because your situation is so similar to my last relationship. All the way down to me packing my things and making it all the way to the door before he stopped me the first time. Except he used adult friend finder and MY laptop.

 

All of the shady behavior you listed is definitely cheating related. You were absolutely right when you said that once involved in this type of online culture it's not likely that they will change. Congratulations on having the balls to get out! So many women stay with bastards like this. Good for you!

 

He was using my laptop in the beginning. I think he was getting sloppy and decided he needed his own. For example, one time I came back from a work trip and I guess he had forgotten to erase the history. When I went to open MY OWN laptop, he quickly snatched it out of my hand and said, "Wait! I have to do something." I pretended like it was no big deal, but I quickly stood up to see him deleting the history. I asked him why he did that and he said he was looking at porn and was embarrassed. Yea, right..

 

When we first met he was signed up to some dating site for meeting cougars. He was also signed up to a few others that I don't remember. He insisted a friend of his had created the profiles as a joke.

 

I think the guy is just a pathetic loser. I don't know why I didn't run right there and then. I honestly think I deserve what I got for thinking this guy could behave like a normal person.

 

What I still can't wrap my brain around is when he was meeting people. I know for sure when I went out of town, but I haven't been away for a while. Are some women really pathetic enough to let some dude smash on their lunch break? And he was definitely nothing to write home about in bed. He also came super quick. Isn't that telltale sign of a guy that never gets any?

 

I hope I'm wrong about him. The more I write the more I feel sorry for him.

 

Oh well, live and learn. I have to keep hope that there are some normal/decent people still out there. It's getting hard though. My last 3 have been pretty huge disappointments.

[Gaeta]

Oh dear I am so sorry.

 

The way he handled everything just screams guilty. You made the right decision, it was too big of a change for you to ignore and he was not cooperating.

 

I read in your previous thread that when you moved in together he was obsessed with your Internet and phone activities, that he checked everything and looked over your shoulder and all. This relationship was lacking trust and you know trust is vital.

 

Hang in there.

[thats_so_not_cool]

I am so sorry it ended like this but am frankly not surprised. He knew he was caught and the deflection is a classic method that guilty people use...

 

Stop texting him. Go "No Contact" even though it will be hard for a while.

 

And we are here for you...

 

 

<hugs>

 

I won't have any issues not contacting him. I also do not get the impression that he will be contacting me any time soon, if at all.

 

And thank you. I actually did find the comments and shared stories on here pretty empowering. I think I made the right choice. And it's like that other person said, "...even if he's not cheating, you clearly don't respect him as a man." That is true. It was only fair to the both of us for me to leave.

[LoneIsland]

Oh dear I am so sorry.

 

The way he handled everything just screams guilty. You made the right decision, it was too big of a change for you to ignore and he was not cooperating.

 

I read in your previous thread that when you moved in together he was obsessed with your Internet and phone activities, that he checked everything and looked over your shoulder and all. This relationship was lacking trust and you know trust is vital.

 

Hang in there.

 

Wow, I never read that thread. Sounds like this thread is a mirror image of that one.

 

I would say this is a revenge story more than anything else.

[thats_so_not_cool]

Oh dear I am so sorry.

 

The way he handled everything just screams guilty. You made the right decision, it was too big of a change for you to ignore and he was not cooperating.

 

I read in your previous thread that when you moved in together he was obsessed with your Internet and phone activities, that he checked everything and looked over your shoulder and all. This relationship was lacking trust and you know trust is vital.

 

Hang in there.

 

Yes! I wrote that not long after I had moved in. He would HAWK me for no freaking reason.

 

Let me make something clear though - because I already see the Lonesome guy chiming in. I DID NOT GO THROUGH HIS COMPUTER OR PHONE. I didn't touch his ****, ever. I would ask why he was always on it, why would he take it to work, etc. I would question the behaviors/attachment, but never touch his stuff.

 

He was actually going through my phone, going through my laptop without my permission. One time I got out of the car to buy something and when I came back in he was going through my phone. I was like, really? I just moved states to live with you. You really think I'd be doing something?

 

Going through his phone history this week is the first time I had done it. I agree though. Big time lack of trust on both our ends. I feel his was unfounded though, whereas my was based off of witnessed unusual behavior.

[thats_so_not_cool]

Wow, I never read that thread. Sounds like this thread is a mirror image of that one.

 

I would say this is a revenge story more than anything else.

 

Yeah, revenge if I had actually done or he had found anything. Until he bought his own laptop, I let him use mine as if it were his own. He would also constantly grab my phone saying he needed to search something on Google and I wouldn't even bat an eye. I didn't care. I have absolutely nothing to hide. Use my laptop, use my phone, I'm your gf, I don't care. But with him, it's like his phone and laptop housed top secret government information.

 

I'm also the type of person that can go to the grocery store and walk my dog without my phone - but hey, apparently I'm the freak.

[Gaeta]

Your last thread was January 2014. Looking back on it now, there is a possibility he was not checking your pc and phone because he thought you were cheating, he was probably checking if you were spying on him with your pc and phone.

[BlueIris]

Glad you got out.

What he was doing is called gaslighting.

He sounds messed up and you don't.

[thats_so_not_cool]

Your last thread was January 2014. Looking back on it now, there is a possibility he was not checking your pc and phone because he thought you were cheating, he was probably checking if you were spying on him with your pc and phone.

 

Oh gosh, who knows? I think he knows I'm not tech savvy enough to get that serious, but anything is possible these days.

 

He would get annoyed or make smart comments if anyone ever texted me. He pretty much didn't mind my mom and brother texting me, but God forbid if a guy friend texted me. That would start an argument.

 

We were long distance for 6 months before we moved in and I KNOW he was up to no good. I brushed it aside because I told myself, "He had no guarantee I'd move there, why should he put his life on hold for a promise?" But looking back now, he had a responsibility to me. We were two consenting adults that mutually agreed to be in an exclusive relationship. Why shouldn't he have to commit, but he expects me to?

 

I am at fault for moving there already knowing what I knew. I thought physically having me there would change him. I think he thought the same.

 

Looking back now, he did a lot of creepy things before I moved in that I brushed off as only mildly annoying/tolerable to "cute, he's jealous".

[thats_so_not_cool]

Glad you got out.

What he was doing is called gaslighting.

He sounds messed up and you don't.

 

Well, I feel bad for whoever ends up with this guy or gets pregnant by him. They will have a miserable experience of manipulation and BS. He is sooo persistent and gets so nasty if you say anything to him. He's the "baby" of the family and sometimes I would get the impression he was the legitimate product of not getting smacked across the mouth by his parents.

 

He applied to a job in his home state and assumed I would go with him. The thought of being in his home turf, away from everything I know, horrified me. I can only imagine the games he'd play with me then.

 

At least this time leaving only involved packing a car and driving away. His home state would involve plane tickets, most likely job transfer - good God

 

I'm staying single for a while