Am I being paranoid?

[thats_so_not_cool]

I need advice/direction on whether I'm being completely paranoid or if something weird is actually going on.

 

I have been living with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. I can't pin point the exact timeframe, but for the past few months he's been waking up considerably earlier than me, getting out of bed and going out to the living room. When he does this, he always closes the door to our bedroom behind him. I get the impression he does this so he can hear when I get out of bed, but again, I don't know if I'm being paranoid.

 

Mind you, it didn't start slowly, as if he'd do it once a week, then it gradually increased in frequency. The day he started doing it, he never stopped. It's a rare occasion that he stays in bed until we both wake up (which was always the case in the past).

 

Anyway, the first time I brought it up, he said it's because he wakes up at 630AM and he's wide awake. I found this odd, because when I wake up at 830AM, he's usually sleeping on the couch - not up watching TV. After I mentioned this down the road, his reasoning was that the bed is not comfortable. So I went to the store and bought a mattress pad, new pillows, etc. Still nothing. Finally I got pissed and yelled at him. It was honestly to the point where I felt like we didn't even sleep in the same bed. Some mornings it was extreme enough that I'd wake up at 530AM and he'd already be gone. I wouldn't care had he been doing this all along, but it was seriously all of a sudden and our of no where.

 

My suspicion is that he gets out of bed to masturbate? But is masturbating really that serious, to where you have to wake up 2 hours early every morning just to do it? And if it's masturbating, why wasn't he doing this since we first moved in - why all of a sudden? I feel like he's doing something shady, but I can't figure out what.

 

Last night for example, at a like 1130PM I was up reading on my iPhone. He insists he can't sleep and he wants to play Madden. He NEVER has trouble falling asleep. Once he closes his eyes he's OUT. So anyway, he gets out of bed, takes his phone (why do you need your phone to play Madden?), closes the bedroom door behind him and stays out there for a little over an hour.

 

What is going on here? Is he masturbating? Is he chatting with someone? Who would he talk to only early in the morning or late at night? Then there's the fact he could also talk to this person while he's at work...

 

I don't want to go as far as to say he's cheating. He's always home. He never sleeps out, he doesn't go out of town and we're together every weekend... But his behavior lately has been bothering me.

 

Thoughts?

[Gaeta]

Why did your mind went straight to 'he's masturbating' ? As the sex between you 2 changed?

 

Where does he go when he gets up? living room? bathroom? Why don't you get up and check up on him?

[CarrieT]

Get a voice-activated recorder if you want to know what he is doing.

[mammasita]

Has anything else in your relationship changed? Frequency of sex? The way he treats you?

[DanishStudent]

@CarrieT: That is horrible advice!

 

@Thats_So_Not_Cool: I would just ask him. You live together, he obviously like you. Just tell him that this confuses you and you would like to know if something is wrong. My experience is that being accusing in situations like these are generally a good idea to get people to go into the defensive and create distance between accused and the accusor, so i would probably be diplomatic.

But basicly, be straight with each other, show that you trust him.

[angel.eyes]

Look at his web history on his phone and computer. Check his texting apps.

 

But before you go into investigation mode, consider what you would do if you discovered he was doing whatever you suspect he might be doing.

[DanishStudent]

I cannot stress enough how invasive it would feel for him if you started checking his browser history, texts, recorded him, or otherwise went around the problem to find out. ASK HIM, show him that you trust him.

[angel.eyes]

@CarrieT: That is horrible advice!

 

@Thats_So_Not_Cool: I would just ask him. You live together, he obviously like you. Just tell him that this confuses you and you would like to know if something is wrong. My experience is that being accusing in situations like these are generally a good idea to get people to go into the defensive and create distance between accused and the accusor, so i would probably be diplomatic.

But basicly, be straight with each other, show that you trust him.

 

She tried that approach! They have new bedding and whatnot, and he's still heading off to the living room when she's supposed to be asleep.

[d0nnivain]

Talk to him.

 

Some mornings I wake up early & go downstairs to avoid bugging my husband because I can't sleep. Sometimes I do fall asleep on the couch but it's not a reflection of how I feel about my marriage.

[DanishStudent]

This is why I suggested being diplomatic about it. Being creepy and violating his privacy is a sure way to get him mad or distanced even more.

[thats_so_not_cool]

Why did your mind went straight to 'he's masturbating' ? As the sex between you 2 changed?

 

Where does he go when he gets up? living room? bathroom? Why don't you get up and check up on him?

 

It's just the only logical thing I can come up with that he'd need privacy for. He goes into the living room. I can't check up on him because he closes the bedroom behind him every time. It's a 1 bedroom apartment, so the second I step out of bed and walk to the door, it's extremely audible. He'd be able to stop whatever he's doing by the time I walk out.

 

Has our sex life changed? I would say once he started going out into the living room - around the same time he stopped initiating sexual contact as much (this again I can't confirm precisely, but I think so). Again, not sure if I'm being paranoid or not. Last week we had sex about 3-4 times, but before that it's definitely more seldom.

 

I don't think an audio recorder would pick anything up, but maybe it's worth a shot. I don't think it's something voice related. If anything it's like chatting online, or just looking at porn - I'm not 100% sure, but I'd hear him if he were talking to someone.

 

I also forgot to mention that the waking up in the morning started around the same time he bought a laptop. Prior to him buying one we always shared my laptop for casual web browsing and he has a work laptop he always brings home. All of a sudden he started insisting that he needs to buy a personal laptop to search for jobs and he's not comfortable doing so on the work laptop. Once he got it, if I remember correctly, the waking up early in the morning started.

 

I also think it's weird that he take his personal laptop and work laptop with him to work every day. I have never seen such a thing...

He also has no reason not to leave his laptop here. I've never snooped through it or asked to see it.

 

I know this is a lot of info and kind of random observations, but I just feel like SOMETHING is off, I just can't identify what.

 

I guess what I'm really worried about is whether it's something serious. If it's just porn I don't care, but it does kind of bother me to wake up alone every morning. If I get mad about him leaving the bed, he says I'm crazy and annoying.

[thats_so_not_cool]

Look at his web history on his phone and computer. Check his texting apps.

 

But before you go into investigation mode, consider what you would do if you discovered he was doing whatever you suspect he might be doing.

 

I cannot get to his phone. He's very protective over it. He even takes it with him to walk the dog. I feel like the very basic signs of him hiding something are all abound me, but again, I can't find anything solid. He's also physically accountable at all times. He goes to work and comes home. Nothing funny going on in that sense.

 

He leaves it out when he showers, but I'm very uncomfortable with going through it. I also don't think I'd find anything. I get the impression he's well versed in covering his tracks.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I had the same issue with my ex and it turned out he was watching porn/masturbating. I checked his browser history. Now I have nothing against porn or masturbating but secrecy and lying to me when I asked him were a deal breaker.

 

Why torture yourself? You have already asked. He is obviously not telling the truth. The next step is to confirm your fears with evidence so that you can make an informed decision. I don't see anything wrong with that.

[CarrieT]

Yep, something is up...

 

He is starting to distance himself and the information you provided on the laptop is very telling of deception.

 

I'm going to guess he has opened an Online Dating Account somewhere (Plenty of Fish, Match, OKCupid) and he is using that time to check the account and chat with other people.

[mammasita]

I agree that the new personal laptop is key. I say trust your gut.

 

No reason to carry two laptops back and forth with him to work every day. No reason to get up and browse jobs in another room either. That's insane. IMO, He's trolling sites he definitely shouldn't be on (porn, sex, dating....etc etc etc) and chatting with people he has no business chatting with.

[thats_so_not_cool]

Talk to him.

 

Some mornings I wake up early & go downstairs to avoid bugging my husband because I can't sleep. Sometimes I do fall asleep on the couch but it's not a reflection of how I feel about my marriage.

 

Right. Which is normal. I've done it too. He snores, which drives me to the couch once in a blue moon. However, since he started doing it, he's done it EVERY morning. Since when is he a morning person?? I think in the past 3 months (generalizing here) he has stayed in bed with me 3 times. Plus this was an all of a sudden thing.

 

Maybe I'm just being paranoid. It's just hard to ignore a nagging in your gut.

[LoneIsland]

Since you found him sleeping in the living room, do you snore or do anything, maybe unknowingly, that disturbs his sleep ?

 

Does he trade forex or play any other markets ? That would require specific times and a smart phone will let him put in the orders. Forex is active in the London stock market hours. See if his wake up times correspond to that. Are there any money problems ? These would cause a man to go gamble the markets.

 

If it's masturbating, let him be. But that shouldn't happen if he made love the night before, assuming he has no trouble achieving satisfaction.

[thats_so_not_cool]

Yep, something is up...

 

He is starting to distance himself and the information you provided on the laptop is very telling of deception.

 

I'm going to guess he has opened an Online Dating Account somewhere (Plenty of Fish, Match, OKCupid) and he is using that time to check the account and chat with other people.

 

Can you tell me more about what these sites entail? When we first started dating (over 2 years ago), he had accounts for sites of this nature. He would get email updates about "singles" or "matches" in his area. He said it was spam and closed all of the account so they would stop sending him emails.

 

Do you chat with live people? What is the benefit or appeal of these sites? He doesn't treat me poorly or differently. He gets upset if I ever talk about moving or finding new work in another area. I don't get the impression he wants to break up.

[thats_so_not_cool]

Since you found him sleeping in the living room, do you snore or do anything, maybe unknowingly, that disturbs his sleep ?

 

Does he trade forex or play any other markets ? That would require specific times and a smart phone will let him put in the orders. Forex is active in the London stock market hours. See if his wake up times correspond to that. Are there any money problems ? These would cause a man to go gamble the markets.

 

If it's masturbating, let him be. But that shouldn't happen if he made love the night before, assuming he has no trouble achieving satisfaction.

 

No. I do not snore.

 

He would discuss anything like Forex with me. We are both Poker players and I'm not opposed to gambling. I'm also not opposed to porn... but I really don't think it's that simple. Porn doesn't make you buy a laptop and get out of bed 2 hours early every morning. I've lived with guys before and never experienced anything like this. And again, this started about 3 months ago. We've lived together over 1 year.

[LoneIsland]

A laptop is good for online poker.

 

Also the markets have a way of waking a man up in a cold hard sweat. This produces inconsistent wake up times. I am not convinced a woman on the other side of the internet can produce a similar effect no matter how sexy she maybe. In fact having a sexy women interested should give a man better sleep.

[thats_so_not_cool]

A laptop is good for online poker.

 

Also the markets have a way of waking a man up in a cold hard sweat. This produces inconsistent wake up times. I am not convinced a woman on the other side of the internet can produce a similar effect no matter how sexy she maybe. In fact having a sexy women interested should give a man better sleep.

 

He's not playing online poker. We share the same account. I'd see a difference in funds. He's also not trading.

 

I don't think one woman would produce a similar effect, but I do know that porn/adult chat sites/all that crap - can be addicting.

 

He's also kind of shady with money... like always has to have cash. My worst fear is extreme... escorts. I seriously want to put a tracker on his car to see if he goes anywhere other than work during the day.

 

I know this sounds crazy and extreme, but something's up. Hopefully it's nowhere near that disgusting and I am in fact just crazy.

 

I hate relationships. They can never be simple.

[angel.eyes]

Can you tell me more about what these sites entail? When we first started dating (over 2 years ago), he had accounts for sites of this nature. He would get email updates about "singles" or "matches" in his area. He said it was spam and closed all of the account so they would stop sending him emails.

 

Do you chat with live people? What is the benefit or appeal of these sites? He doesn't treat me poorly or differently. He gets upset if I ever talk about moving or finding new work in another area. I don't get the impression he wants to break up.

 

Most OLD sites have an IM function. He could also be sending emails to women on the sites to see if they might be interested in him. It can take quite a while for guys to find someone to date...or depending on the site...hook up. Most of their emails are ignored, or when answered, the conversation quickly fizzles out. If he's tried OLD before, he has a realistic sense of the challenges he faces and the time it takes. Some people monkey branch. Also keep in mind that people meet and make a romantic elsewhere on the web, not just on dating sites. There are posters who've met, dated, and even married other posters they met here.

 

You commented that he can't be cheating because you can account for his time. I'm not saying he is, but if he wanted to, that's fairly easy to do. Check out the Infidelity, Cheating, and Other Woman/Man sections of this site. If someone wants to cheat, he will. He works. Can you account for every minute of his work day? Are you with him at lunch? If he were to take a couple of hours off for a "dentist's" appointment, would you know? If he opted to skip the gym or whatever he does and meet someone, would you know? If they were meeting at the gym, would you know? The list is endless. Again, not saying this is the case, but be careful about the assumptions you make, since your intuition is screaming that something is wrong.

 

Who knows what he's doing? What's concerning is the secrecy and hiding. Go with your gut. Something is wrong. He's not forthcoming. Your choices are limited--dig and figure it out, or make a decision on little/no information.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Babe there is something VERY wrong here! I was being chased by a guy that was in a RS, I told him I would not do anything unless he was single... he did finish his RS and we eventually got together but this is exactly what he used to do to his ex... guess what?

 

Yep you got it, a year or so into our RS he's getting up early and going to the lounge with his phone.. Im sorry but there IS something wrong here and its not masturbating! x

[ExpatInItaly]

I was ready to come in here and say you're being overly paranoid and borderline loony. But the further I read, the more alarm bells rang. Sleeping patterns change and so that behaviour alone isn't so odd, but coupled with the new laptop being glued to his side, etc - yes, I'd say something is up. I don't necessarily think it's other women or escorts, but it's strange when taken from an overall perspective. Have you asked him why he takes both laptops to work? One thing you could do at home someday is say you're having trouble logging on to your own comp, and ask if you can hop on his to quickly check your email or something. Just to gauge his reaction

 

Regarding always having cash, I am the same. And I certainly don't use escorts (I am a woman, though) I just like to have an emergency stash in the event my card doesn't work, is lost/stolen, what have you.

Edited September 24, 2014 by ExpatInItaly

[thats_so_not_cool]

Babe there is something VERY wrong here! I was being chased by a guy that was in a RS, I told him I would not do anything unless he was single... he did finish his RS and we eventually got together but this is exactly what he used to do to his ex... guess what?

 

Yep you got it, a year or so into our RS he's getting up early and going to the lounge with his phone.. Im sorry but there IS something wrong here and its not masturbating! x

 

What is an RS? Relationship? You mean to say that you engaged with someone who was in a relationship and a year later they started acting shady towards you? What is the 'lounge'? He has been doing this for at least 3 months. Is there a woman out there that would seriously be satisfied with covert, limited interaction for that long? He's with me every single weekend.

 

I don't care if he's with or talking to someone else. Just ****ing tell me so I can move out! My time is valuable.

 

Tonight we went to bed late. It's 1:15AM as I'm typing this. I'll be curious whether he gets up early tomorrow morning because he's "not tired"