Is she shy or not interested?

[Mave]

I know that there are a lot of mature posters on the site, and I was wondering if some input can be given.

 

I met this girl in college, we are in the same project group, hit it off and often spend time together in school.

 

She's a shy person in general and doesn't speak up during classes or on most occasions, but I like chatting with her. I would say it's vice versa since she spends a lot of time with me too.

 

Today, on the way home via the subway, I asked her if she is free Friday night. She said no, and asked why. I said "oh, its cool, I wanted to ask you to have dinner with me". She then said "oh okay". When I then inquired "so when else would be a good time?", she said "that is a difficult question to answer". I didn't get to hear more as she alighted at that station.

 

I am not sure if she is shy or simply uninterested. I don't think I am being friendzoned(?). She is very quiet by nature, so I am wondering how I should proceed from here.

 

I understand that if a girl is really interested, she will suggest an alternative time, but could it be that she is really busy/unsure?

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I know that there are a lot of mature posters on the site, and I was wondering if some input can be given.

 

I met this girl in college, we are in the same project group, hit it off and often spend time together in school.

 

She's a shy person in general and doesn't speak up during classes or on most occasions, but I like chatting with her. I would say it's vice versa since she spends a lot of time with me too.

 

Today, on the way home via the subway, I asked her if she is free Friday night. She said no, and asked why. I said "oh, its cool, I wanted to ask you to have dinner with me". She then said "oh okay". When I then inquired "so when else would be a good time?", she said "that is a difficult question to answer". I didn't get to hear more as she alighted at that station.

 

I am not sure if she is shy or simply uninterested. I don't think I am being friendzoned(?). She is very quiet by nature, so I am wondering how I should proceed from here.

 

I understand that if a girl is really interested, she will suggest an alternative time, but could it be that she is really busy/unsure?

 

After being here reading some threads and asking Q's... I found that some of my acquaintances with shy girls, which is a lot more than I expected, started off like what you have explained. Though I was not so forward with asking somebody out without spending time to know them.

 

One girl would small chat time to time with me, yet nothing would be shown as interest in me personally. She was quiet by nature, being Chinese, and a graduate in her studies and work around my department. He picked up on my lighthearted humor, so I offered to go to the top floor, which was open and had a perfect view over the campus, and toss paper airplanes. She said no, and I ended with OK, I just thought you'd like to have a bit of fun outside of work. She said maybe another time. Well time went on, and she bumped into me as usual.. but this time I had stayed til 11:00pm in contact with my GF at the time, as she was out of state. She had finished up with family and friends convo in on the lab computer and was just out the door, while I was on my way to the elevator to leave. We struck up another convo, this time I asked if she liked to talk. She said she was on her way and did not have time. I felt like she wanted to but did not press it. I was not sure what to say, but found she was still interested in having a talk. At the time, I thought, this would be too complicated as my new GF and I were doing so well. So, I left it be. Until I had said my goodbyes, as I was moving off to my GF's state to be with her, she stopped in my office and said goodbye and left a departing gift.

 

So, with the wee story, some girls are so shy they will refrain from their wants unless they know enough to feel confident one way or another.

 

Maybe you need time to get to know her, before she will go on a dinner date. After all I am shy and rather be known first before just being on a date, especially for dinner.

Edited September 24, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA

[boilingpoint]

Well it's clear she knows that you like her, but her responses to you suggesting a date don't look particularly positive from what you wrote - but then if you're in college you're both young so you can expect that sort of ambiguity just because there's a lack of experience.

 

It could just be that she's very shy but to be honest there's no way of knowing until you ask her directly i.e. "do you want to go for a drink with me this weekend?" BAM. She has 2 options - yes or no.

 

Just keep talking to her and pop that question when you reckon she's comfortable around you.

 

It's too subjective and subtle to say for sure what you need to do so just go with the flow and judge it on how receptive she is to your attention.

[Mave]

Well, I have dated 2 girls before her.

 

To the best of my knowledge, she hasn't had a boyfriend before. I am guessing, pretty limited dating experience.

 

I don't wish to intimidate her so it's tricky.. Anyway, when I suggested getting drinks sometime before, she said sure. But at that time, I didn't specify a date. It was just something I said when we were having lunch (1 on 1) together.

 

So maybe jumping the gun and asking for dinner this friday was a bit hasty. Thanks for the suggestions though. I am going to refrain from texting her and behave normally when I meet her face to face. Is that right?

[Fondue]

Even if someone is shy, if the opportunity arises to say yes to a "date" or hangout, they will find a way to say yes. It's just how it is. If they are interested in you, they'll want to spend time with you.

 

Think about it: does it make sense for her to not want to spend time with you if she liked you? Shyness has nothing to do with it.

 

SOrry, but I think you should place your efforts elsewhere.

[LoneIsland]

She's shy and inexperienced. You have to man up and play the leader in this situation. Also you have to be very patient. A girl can take a very long time to think things over. But watch out for the moment she comes to a decision. The window of opportunity could be quite short, and it could be so subtle that you might not recognize it.

 

So long as she's staying within your physical space, she's interested.

Edited September 24, 2014 by LoneIsland

[angel.eyes]

I agree. She's shy and inexperienced, so I wouldn't read into the fact that she didn't suggest an alternative. My sense is she's probably not interested, but try one last time to be certain, and make it clear you're asking her out. If the answer is no, move on. Does she ever seek you out? Or are you the one who always approaches her and begins the conversation?

[Mave]

Well, we almost always have lunch together alone after class.

 

I never asked her to, but she always just follows me along, and it has been a weekly ritual for the past 6 weeks or so. Just silence once class ends, and then her joining me to wherever I want to go eat. The thing is, she is pretty chatty when we are having lunch alone together. Do note that she doesn't say a word or participate at all during class.

 

Also, taking the subway today wasn't the quickest/best way to her destination, and she deliberately made a detour so that we could take the same transport together.

 

And yeah, I figure I will play it cool till appropriate.

Edited September 24, 2014 by Mave

[boilingpoint]

Well, I have dated 2 girls before her.

 

To the best of my knowledge, she hasn't had a boyfriend before. I am guessing, pretty limited dating experience.

 

I don't wish to intimidate her so it's tricky.. Anyway, when I suggested getting drinks sometime before, she said sure. But at that time, I didn't specify a date. It was just something I said when we were having lunch (1 on 1) together.

 

So maybe jumping the gun and asking for dinner this friday was a bit hasty. Thanks for the suggestions though. I am going to refrain from texting her and behave normally when I meet her face to face. Is that right?

 

Yeah, sounds good. Your best bet is to just keep talking to her and then just ask whenever you feel like it's a good time - if she hasn't got the dating experience than there are chances that she'll go along with it, whether she's into you already or not, so I would be confident about your chances. You've already been on dates so sounds like that's not too much of an issue.

 

If she's happy hanging out with you and talking with you, you're in a good place anyway, so there's nothing to worry about. However there will come a point where you'll have to be direct that you want to go for a drink with her (and with no other cronies there to spoil it).

 

Best of luck.

[LoneIsland]

It will take more than a couple of go's for a first time girl.

 

Also for the first date, it would be wise to lay out the entire plan for her approval. She would be scared of any unexpected situations she don't know how or have the experience to handle. If she knows what the game plan is and confident you will stick to it, there will no longer be anything scary.

[boilingpoint]

Well, we almost always have lunch together alone after class.

 

I never asked her to, but she always just follows me along, and it has been a weekly ritual for the past 6 weeks or so. Just silence once class ends, and then her joining me to wherever I want to go eat. The thing is, she is pretty chatty when we are having lunch alone together. Do note that she doesn't say a word or participate at all during class.

 

Also, taking the subway today wasn't the quickest/best way to her destination, and she deliberately made a detour so that we could take the same transport together.

 

And yeah, I figure I will play it cool till appropriate.

 

Sounds like you're already getting dates with her either way - lunch alone with just you and her? You're golden here I reckon.

[angel.eyes]

The fact that she seeks you out and looks for opportunities to spend time one-on-one with you is a huge positive. The question: does she just enjoy your company as a friend or is she interested in you romantically? Rather then playing it cool, I would be direct. Touch her lightly when you joke at lunch. Hug her when you say goodbye. Suggest you graduate from lunch to dinner or drinks sometime. Do something to convey that your interest in her isn't just as friends. If you don't get a negative response to these, then ask her out on a date. Yes? Great! No? At least you have an answer and can move on rather then wasting the whole semester in limbo or unwittingly doing time in her friend zone.

[Mave]

Yeah, but it's within college grounds.

 

I am hoping we can actually spend some time outside the confines of school.

 

Thanks for all the responses - appreciate it. I will play it cool, build more rapport, and wait for another good time.

 

Anyone has any ideas on how to frame it if the girl is inexperienced though?

[Mave]

The fact that she seeks you out and looks for opportunities to spend time one-on-one with you is a huge positive. The question: does she just enjoy your company as a friend or is she interested in you romantically? Rather then playing it cool, I would be direct. Touch her lightly when you joke at lunch. Hug her when you say goodbye. Suggest you graduate from lunch to dinner or drinks sometime. Do something to convey that your interest in her isn't just as friends. If you don't get a negative response to these, then ask her out on a date. Yes? Great! No? At least you have an answer and can move on rather then wasting the whole semester in limbo or unwittingly doing time in her friend zone.

 

I would escalate physically but she's asian, doesn't swear, and is pretty conservative by nature. So... I don't wish to rub her the wrong way and send her the idea that I am a creep.

 

P.S: She said okay to having drinks when I asked her during lunch last week. It was an open ended question like "let's get drinks after mid-terms", which she said "sure". But I didn't specify a date, which I should and will do in the future..

Edited September 24, 2014 by Mave

[LoneIsland]

Google up on how to become a palm reading expert. The asians are highly superstitious. You can then hold her hand, run your finger on her palm, and tell her how many babies she will be having. I learn this trick from a woman once. But the beesh never gave me the babies promised !

[angel.eyes]

I would escalate physically but she's asian, doesn't swear, and is pretty conservative by nature. So... I don't wish to rub her the wrong way and send her the idea that I am a creep.

 

P.S: She said okay to having drinks when I asked her during lunch last week. It was an open ended question like "let's get drinks after mid-terms", which she said "sure". But I didn't specify a date, which I should and will do in the future..

 

When are midterms?

 

FWIW, I don't swear (except in joking around with my brother:o) and most guys think I'm very conservative. Touching someone's forearm lightly and very briefly when you laugh isn't being a perv. Touching the small of her back when you grab the door for her? Most women respond positively. Keep things light and PG. No one is suggesting you start groping the poor girl or trying to kiss her.

 

Look, you're going to have to do something to make her realize you see her as more than just a friend. My BFF in grad school was male. If he had asked me out early on, I may/probably would have said yes. But by the time he got around to asking me, I couldn't see him as anything other than my best friend. He had become like a brother to me at and was my go-to confidante.

 

Don't go there by playing it cool and waiting forever. There are ways to convey your interest without offending what you perceive to be her delicate sensibilities. She's giving you numerous opportunities to act, by following you around uninvited. It's on you to progress things beyond having a personal groupie.

[Mave]

UPDATE

 

We went out on our first date though I am not sure how she feels about everything.

 

In the beginning, she might have felt that it wasn't a date because she appeared surprised when I picked up the tab, and said "why should I be doing that?".

 

We then went for drinks, and the atmosphere became more flirty as we shared the same beer and cocktails. We ended up feeding each other some of our snacks and fruits from the cocktails etc. On the way home, it was also a really good ride with smooth flowing conversation. After sending her home, I kissed her on the cheek goodnight before heading home. She thanked me for everything thereafter but appears to be somewhat non-responsive at times when we text.

 

Now, I haven't texted her much. On the two occasions after the date ended, I simply texted her once to send her a pic she took with my phone. No reply.

 

On the second occasion, we had a small chat about soccer and exams, but she stopped responding after a bit.

 

Now, I am curious if she is simply shy, inexperienced or not interested. For the record, she hasn't had a boyfriend before, and is pretty much clueless when it comes to dating.

 

When I met her in person, she also admitted to being the shy type, and typically won't endeavour to talk to people directly i.e. not a conversation starter.

 

I understand the prevailing wisdom not to chase after a girl who isn't interested. That said, I like how she is a nice and sweet person, and I think we might be compatible on some level - I would like to try seeing her again (if possible). Is this advisable? If so, how should I proceed?

 

I have a long trip to make in a month or so. Would it be advisable to set up another date before I fly off, or not bother at all?

 

Other advice is also cool.

Edited November 23, 2014 by Mave