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Article about narcissists and why they ignore you after break up!

singsparkles

By singsparkles
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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OwMyEyeball Established Member

OwMyEyeball

Posted
Posted
It IS Selfish to ignore someone you once loved while they're in complete pain. I could NEVER do that to someone, even if I fell out of love with them. I'm really done talking on this board. I came here for support, and all I get is long paragraphs about how my emotions and opinions are underlying dumb, and how somehow you all know me suddenly and think I'm this powerless person. I'm sorry you didn't agree with the article, but it helped me.

Sorry if I seemed insensitive to your pain, singsparkles.

 

I don't believe anyone here is saying anything directly to you, but commenting more about the article and its message.

 

While it may seem selfish to ignore a past relationship, it is also unwise to be their emotional rock during the healing period created by the breakup they were a part of. It sends mixed signals that the more vulnerable person often mistakenly takes as a sign of rekindling interest.

 

A clean break is the quickest, surest way to heal. The person who caused the break cannot be the one to help heal it. That never works. Both sides need to find resolution in persons other than their previous partner; friends, family, clergy, counseling, etc.

 

If his messages continue to bother you and cause you pain, then you would do best to block him. You have the power to cut him out of your life as well.

 

You will get through this breakup as others always do.

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singsparkles Established Member

singsparkles

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Sorry if I seemed insensitive to your pain, singsparkles.

 

I don't believe anyone here is saying anything directly to you, but commenting more about the article and its message.

 

While it may seem selfish to ignore a past relationship, it is also unwise to be their emotional rock during the healing period created by the breakup they were a part of. It sends mixed signals that the more vulnerable person often mistakenly takes as a sign of rekindling interest.

 

A clean break is the quickest, surest way to heal. The person who caused the break cannot be the one to help heal it. That never works. Both sides need to find resolution in persons other than their previous partner; friends, family, clergy, counseling, etc.

 

If his messages continue to bother you and cause you pain, then you would do best to block him. You have the power to cut him out of your life as well.

 

You will get through this breakup as others always do.

 

 

 

Thanks for understanding and thank you for the kind words. I agree that the only way to heal is for the one who did the break up to not talk to you. But its worse when THEY give you mixed signals and say they love you one day, then don't talk to you for weeks. My situation is a lot more in depth than I've put out.

 

I already do know I need to block his number and not look at his social media, as I know eventually he will call me again, even if its three months from now & I need to be strong enough to not answer because I can't lose anymore of my dignity.

 

Thank you for the kind words and advice. I know I will get through the break up. I'm just having a rough patch right now. I know eventually everything will turn around, especially once I've stopped talking to him cold turkey.

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singsparkles Established Member

singsparkles

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Sorry if I seemed insensitive to your pain, singsparkles.

 

I don't believe anyone here is saying anything directly to you, but commenting more about the article and its message.

 

While it may seem selfish to ignore a past relationship, it is also unwise to be their emotional rock during the healing period created by the breakup they were a part of. It sends mixed signals that the more vulnerable person often mistakenly takes as a sign of rekindling interest.

 

A clean break is the quickest, surest way to heal. The person who caused the break cannot be the one to help heal it. That never works. Both sides need to find resolution in persons other than their previous partner; friends, family, clergy, counseling, etc.

 

If his messages continue to bother you and cause you pain, then you would do best to block him. You have the power to cut him out of your life as well.

 

You will get through this breakup as others always do.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't believe my ex is a narcissist because he won't talk to me. I believe he's a narcissist because he leads me on to believe he cares only to stop messaging me for weeks and ignoring my texts/calls, which in turn makes him feel powerful and inflates his ego. He also calls me horrible names whenever we do talk like sl*t and wh*re and then five mins later hes telling me he loves me. If he didn't keep leading me on and just stopped contacting me, I would have much more respect.

Maleficent Established Member

Maleficent

Posted
Posted
Its one thing to disagree, but another to poke fun at someone else's opinions and feelings and call the things they talk about seriously and things that mean a lot to them "irony". I understand you're on the other end of the spectrum, but people come on this site sometimes feeling very sad and wanting to be understood. To be borderline poked fun at as if my article was stupid is very hurtful. But I understand and no need to say more. Agree to disagree.

 

No one made fun of you or your article. Whether you like it or not, it is ironic. We all get that it's two different dynamics. But it doesn't stop the fact it's ironic.

 

No one said you were wrong, sided with your abuser, or made fun of you and I'm sorry it seemed this way. Not sure where you got that I was on 'the other end of the spectrum either or what you mean by it for that matter.

 

But perhaps your situation is still affecting you in a way you would be best discussing it with close friends who will simply listen to you.

The forum's goal may be to provide support but people on here also have a right to their opinion and they will give it to you even if it goes against yours.

Maleficent Established Member

Maleficent

Posted
Posted
I don't believe my ex is a narcissist because he won't talk to me. I believe he's a narcissist because he leads me on to believe he cares only to stop messaging me for weeks and ignoring my texts/calls, which in turn makes him feel powerful and inflates his ego. He also calls me horrible names whenever we do talk like sl*t and wh*re and then five mins later hes telling me he loves me. If he didn't keep leading me on and just stopped contacting me, I would have much more respect.

 

And you haven't told him to stop? You are still picking up the phone when he call - you haven't blocked him.

 

You really don't have to leave yourself in this situation. This is what NC is all about.

OwMyEyeball Established Member

OwMyEyeball

Posted
Posted
I don't believe my ex is a narcissist because he won't talk to me. I believe he's a narcissist because he leads me on to believe he cares only to stop messaging me for weeks and ignoring my texts/calls, which in turn makes him feel powerful and inflates his ego. He also calls me horrible names whenever we do talk like sl*t and wh*re and then five mins later hes telling me he loves me. If he didn't keep leading me on and just stopped contacting me, I would have much more respect.

Yikes! I don't see how you could muster any respect for someone who calls you those kinds of names.

 

Whatever his psychiatric diagnosis may be, I'm pretty sure you'll get consensus on one thing - he's a complete jerk.

 

Give yourself the respect you deserve and do whatever you can to cut all potential sources of contact with this guy. He adds no value to your life. Worse, he pollutes it with anxiety and self-doubt.

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singsparkles Established Member

singsparkles

Posted
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Yikes! I don't see how you could muster any respect for someone who calls you those kinds of names.

 

Whatever his psychiatric diagnosis may be, I'm pretty sure you'll get consensus on one thing - he's a complete jerk.

 

Give yourself the respect you deserve and do whatever you can to cut all potential sources of contact with this guy. He adds no value to your life. Worse, he pollutes it with anxiety and self-doubt.

 

 

 

 

I will definitely do that and cut off all ties. You are completely right and thank you caring and your kind words. I don't want me to be filled with anxiety and self doubt any longer and I know the only person who can stop the cycle is me. I need to start caring about myself enough to know he is just total poison for me in every which way. I am on the road to recovery and definitely in the midst of NC and have been, although some nights its harder than others, I still havent called him and I don't want to because I want to keep my dignity.

 

Thank you for your feed back, it means a lot.:)

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me85 Established Member

me85

Posted
Posted

It's not as easy to hang on to your dignity when you've been hurt by someone you love. I understand you and how you feel. I've been there. I lost my dignity and it's a constant struggle to keep it because my ex always contacts me, eventually. I've moved mountains since our BU but NC is still such a challenge. I'm over him. I accepted it's over but I don't want to be forgotten. I won't lie about that. I'll have one or two days every month where I'll have a hard time with the fact that someone I loved left me for someone else. I mean, I am human. Of course that hurts. Although over time it hurts less and less but it does still hurt every once and while.

 

Everything that's hard for you right now will get easier to deal with in time.

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mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted (edited)
I think it's a very valid point. We're not ignoring them TO HURT THEM. We are ignoring them to gain OUR happiness back!

 

Hi singsparkles,

 

I think I want to point out that it doesn't really matter WHY you are ignoring someone. Completely ignoring may hurt somebody whether or not that is your intent, and I'll refer you back to your OP to read the salient points on that. But what is also interesting is that ignoring somebody may not hurt someone. It may actually provide them with a feeling of relief, and NC may actually hurt the person who initiates it. This sounds like your situation.

 

This is what the article in the OP missed, I think. The Silent Treatment (TST) is all about perception. Sometimes, and the post was talking about this case, it is the person being ignored that feels the emotional pain of TST.

 

But what the article ignored, or at least what seemed to be out of scope are the many cases where the person who initiates TST (or NC) is actually torturing themselves. They feel that whatever pain or difficulty they experience from this is less than the pain or difficulty they would experience from contact and communication. Every dumpee who has initiated NC to protect them from the pain of contact knows this torture. At the core, they are denying themselves, not the other person, and they are trying to get used to it. Most times, the dumper won't care.

 

So the real issue is not so much about power, but independence. Power implies that one person can affect the other and does so in order to obtain a desired behavior from the other person. That might be NC in an attempt to get an ex back. It might be NC to teach a lesson. It might be a text delivering unwelcome news (I slept with your sister) in order to create an emotional response. Power requires someone who will react.

 

But if you're independent, then it doesn't matter one way or the other. The abuser can try to abuse you, but you're immune. The needler can try to push your buttons, but it doesn't work. You can initiate NC and it isn't difficult. And most importantly, the independent person won't try to harm using whatever tactic. That is the kind of power that rules.

Edited by mightycpa
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loversquarrel Established Member

loversquarrel

Posted
Posted
Everyone's situation is different and everyone has different views and this is what these forums are for.

I'm sorry you went through something painful but we still don't have to agree with your view of things.

 

Some of us picked on the irony and pointed it out.

 

What irony?? When you are in a relationship and the person you are with chooses to engage in abusive behavior whether it be physical or emotional the best course of action is to get out and keep no contact. The victim of the abuse is choosing protection from the abuser, not trying to engage in a game of tit for tat.

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Maleficent Established Member

Maleficent

Posted
Posted
What irony?? When you are in a relationship and the person you are with chooses to engage in abusive behavior whether it be physical or emotional the best course of action is to get out and keep no contact. The victim of the abuse is choosing protection from the abuser, not trying to engage in a game of tit for tat.

 

The irony is that the article is calling out people for a certain behaviour (silent treatment) and then suggest going no contact with these people(which is silent treatment as well)

 

No one said it was wrong to go no contact and no one said abuser was ok. It's definitely two dynamics that come from two different places. One is used to control, the other is used as a mean of protection but's it's still silent treatment.

 

Sheesh...

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mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted
The irony is that the article is calling out people for a certain behaviour (silent treatment) and then suggest going no contact with these people(which is silent treatment as well)

 

No one said it was wrong to go no contact and no one said abuser was ok. It's definitely two dynamics that come from two different places. One is used to control, the other is used as a mean of protection but's it's still silent treatment.

 

Sheesh...

 

That's it, exactly. I get the point of the article, but it really needed an editor to look at it before publication.

 

I guess that's what we're doing here.

Maleficent Established Member

Maleficent

Posted
Posted
That's it, exactly. I get the point of the article, but it really needed an editor to look at it before publication.

 

I guess that's what we're doing here.

 

I think the article is great, actually. Irony is not necessarily bad here. Perhaps it just needs clarification on the differences between silent treatment VS no contact.

me85 Established Member

me85

Posted
Posted

I think what the OP ultimately meant was that when someone breaks up with you and gives you "the silent treatment" when you either make contact with them or they make contact with you...when the conversation turns in a direction they're displeased with they stop contacting you until they're ready to again. On their terms...so if you just stick to NC none of that would happen to you. They wouldn't have so much power over you & your emotions. They wouldn't be in control. You would.

 

I'm sure that's what the OP meant.

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mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted
I think the article is great, actually. Irony is not necessarily bad here. Perhaps it just needs clarification on the differences between silent treatment VS no contact.

 

It definitely should have explored those differences. Motivation is totally important (good faith vs. bad faith), as is how the "abuser" might receive NC.

 

There are so many possibilities that should have been mentioned, that the article could have been one in a series. At a minimum, it should have outlined the scope of the subject matter.

 

I'd give it a B- AS-IS. With some improvements, it could be an A, catering to a very specific crowd.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
I don't believe my ex is a narcissist because he won't talk to me. I believe he's a narcissist because he leads me on to believe he cares only to stop messaging me for weeks and ignoring my texts/calls, which in turn makes him feel powerful and inflates his ego. He also calls me horrible names whenever we do talk like sl*t and wh*re and then five mins later hes telling me he loves me. If he didn't keep leading me on and just stopped contacting me, I would have much more respect.

 

He's blowing hot and cold. A lot of us have been there, and it's very emotionally abusive. My ex would call me lazy, over dramatic, and make fun of me if I didn't know certain things he deemed common sense. He would completely devalue my opinions, claiming his were better. These instances weren't a one off; it was a pattern from pretty early on. He was mean spirited about it. Anytime I voiced a different opinion, he either laughed at me or ignored my needs.

 

The next week, he would buy me flowers and tell me how pretty I was, tell me how great the dinner was that I made, how much he loved me. It's a mind f*ck, and it is very hard to get over someone like that. These people do have good in them, but they have an underlying dysfunctional nature. They attract people pleasers and those with low self-esteem because we don't challenge them that often when they demean us.

 

You really need to cut this person off. I cut my ex completely, and I have no plans to ever speak to him again. That's really the only thing you can do because they are highly manipulative, and they will pull you into their web.

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BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
I think the article is great, actually. Irony is not necessarily bad here. Perhaps it just needs clarification on the differences between silent treatment VS no contact.

 

Irony isn't good or bad. It just is. I'm not sure that the silent treatment and NC are examples of irony in this situation. Irony is when something happens that is the opposite of what you expect. Anyway, it's off topic.

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Maleficent Established Member

Maleficent

Posted
Posted
Irony isn't good or bad. It just is. I'm not sure that the silent treatment and NC are examples of irony in this situation. Irony is when something happens that is the opposite of what you expect. Anyway, it's off topic.

 

Actually, Alanis had us all fooled. That's not what irony is...

;)

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loversquarrel Established Member

loversquarrel

Posted
Posted

Thank you BC1980, my point exactly. For the purpose of the article there exists a clear difference between silent treatment and no contact. The only irony that exists is using silence against silence, however the meaning and use behind each is completely different, therefore not truly ironic when one considers the intent. Sheesh.

Maleficent Established Member

Maleficent

Posted
Posted
Thank you BC1980, my point exactly. For the purpose of the article there exists a clear difference between silent treatment and no contact. The only irony that exists is using silence against silence, however the meaning and use behind each is completely different, therefore not truly ironic when one considers the intent. Sheesh.

 

Aaaand that's pretty much what I've been saying all along. Except the part where you say it's not 'truly ironic'.

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singsparkles Established Member

singsparkles

Posted
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Posted
It's not as easy to hang on to your dignity when you've been hurt by someone you love. I understand you and how you feel. I've been there. I lost my dignity and it's a constant struggle to keep it because my ex always contacts me, eventually. I've moved mountains since our BU but NC is still such a challenge. I'm over him. I accepted it's over but I don't want to be forgotten. I won't lie about that. I'll have one or two days every month where I'll have a hard time with the fact that someone I loved left me for someone else. I mean, I am human. Of course that hurts. Although over time it hurts less and less but it does still hurt every once and while.

 

Everything that's hard for you right now will get easier to deal with in time.

 

 

 

 

 

Me85,

You are completely and utterly right. Atleast for us sensitive, hopeless romantics, we have a hard time moving on after being in love with someone. It's not so easy to turn our feelings off like a light switch like some people can. I wish I could be like that, but I can't.

 

It seems we're in the same boat. Our exes only contact us when it's right or convenient for them, and it's a very selfish behavior

, because never once do they think about how horrible it makes us feel, they are too self involved and involved with their own feelings.

 

You are human, and you are going to feel those feelings. Being forgotten is also a fear of mine. But you know what? In the end, these guys will not forget us because of our passion and how much we deeply loved them. Guys like this always come back years later wanting us, and thats when we're over them. I guess that's the karma.

 

Keep your head up and try to do the NC thing as bad as it hurts, it is best for your dignity and he doesnt deserve your attention one bit! You're too good for him from what I see! Keep your head up, hunny!! I'm also here if you ever need someone to talk to or when you feel like contacting him, just contact me! It seems we have a lot in common. Hope you're doing well tonight!!! :) <3

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singsparkles Established Member

singsparkles

Posted
  • Author
Posted
What irony?? When you are in a relationship and the person you are with chooses to engage in abusive behavior whether it be physical or emotional the best course of action is to get out and keep no contact. The victim of the abuse is choosing protection from the abuser, not trying to engage in a game of tit for tat.

 

 

 

Totally agree. It's DEFINITELY not a game of tit for tat. It's a method for us to protect ourselves and heal ourselves!

  • Author
singsparkles Established Member

singsparkles

Posted
  • Author
Posted
He's blowing hot and cold. A lot of us have been there, and it's very emotionally abusive. My ex would call me lazy, over dramatic, and make fun of me if I didn't know certain things he deemed common sense. He would completely devalue my opinions, claiming his were better. These instances weren't a one off; it was a pattern from pretty early on. He was mean spirited about it. Anytime I voiced a different opinion, he either laughed at me or ignored my needs.

 

The next week, he would buy me flowers and tell me how pretty I was, tell me how great the dinner was that I made, how much he loved me. It's a mind f*ck, and it is very hard to get over someone like that. These people do have good in them, but they have an underlying dysfunctional nature. They attract people pleasers and those with low self-esteem because we don't challenge them that often when they demean us.

 

You really need to cut this person off. I cut my ex completely, and I have no plans to ever speak to him again. That's really the only thing you can do because they are highly manipulative, and they will pull you into their web.

 

 

 

 

Wow BC,

You hit the nail RIGHT on the head. What you went through is EXACTLY what I went through...almost eery. It is so very emotionally abusive, and you're completely right, for some reason it is hard to get over these people because of the pure fact they are hot and cold and you are living for the moments when things are good...but when things are bad, they are worse than ever!

 

 

I'm so happy to hear you stopped talking to him cold turkey. I think thats wonderful, and you probably feel so much better about yourself for doing so! I am going to do the same. :) I'm just sick of the mind games, mind f*cks and drama, I really truly just want to be happy again, and me always being there whenever he plans on calling, on his terms, only makes me feel like a piece of sh*t.

 

 

I'm definitely going to go NC...and even if he decides to contact me in a few weeks, I plan on completely ignoring him no matter how hard it is. I need to see him for what he really is and stop wearing rose colored glasses. He is just truly not a good person!

 

 

Thank you for the wonderful insight. Feels nice to hear people have been through the same situation and are over it/working on getting over it and things get better. xo

  • Like 1
loversquarrel Established Member

loversquarrel

Posted
Posted
Aaaand that's pretty much what I've been saying all along. Except the part where you say it's not 'truly ironic'.

 

Beating punches with punches in order to fend off an attacker is not ironic. Silent treatment is not no contact, it's ignoring a loved one with the intent of hurting them knowing full well that they want to eventually reinstate contact as soon as the silent treatment is over.

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