The perfect relationship but big problem..

[Crazywinter]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now, but he is in East coast of Canada and I'm in California. He's everything I've ever wanted, and I'm all he's ever wanted. Our problems aren't really our relationship but his religion instead.

 

I haven't seen him in a year because we're both college students. We're best friends, and I love him more than anything. As I have stated, his religion is starting to cause problems as time went by. Not much him causing it but instead it's caused by me. I'm not a religious person, I'm atheist. I never thought how big of an issue it was until I went to a friend's wedding recently. The wedding was of course everything they have ever wanted, they had everything their way, they were a interracial couple, however, they were able to make things work, they both respected each other's cultures and had a mix with Chinese and Hispanic.

 

After attending the wedding, I realized that if my boyfriend and I were to ever get married, his family would control everything, not just the wedding but also our marriage. The wedding itself isn't the problem here, but it's rather I don't see them embracing my culture and values instead. I'm atheist, and I'm positive that they wouldn't even accept me for it. I have tried to learn about their religion but the more I read about it, the more I'm beginning to see that I would never be able to believe in any of it.

 

My boyfriend is a positive thinker and all he says is everything will be fine, without trying to work out a solution. He knows this bothers me and he tells me he would never want me to change, but the thing is, he's so scared to even bring up the topic of him being with an atheist with his family let alone let them know I exist. I honestly don't know what to do at this point, we've been together unofficially for years and together officially for over a year. He has always told me that he would do anything for me, but all he does is talk.

 

What should I do? I've been thinking about this for a month now, and on the verge of leaving him because of this. I respect his beliefs, but I don't think his family would respect mine as I do theirs.

 

Sorry for this long post.. Thank you

[Ronni_W]

What should I do? I've been thinking about this for a month now, and on the verge of leaving him because of this. I respect his beliefs, but I don't think his family would respect mine as I do theirs.

You're right, of course, that some people are narrow-minded and intolerant.

But I don't see how you get from that, to them controlling your wedding and your marriage...or, has he specifically said that they will have such an influence over him for the rest of his life?

 

Religion doesn't really come up too often in 'normal' family get-togethers...what are the instances and kinds of ways that you are now envisioning you'll feel judged and/or disrespected for your personal belief system?

How would you want them to show respect for yours, that you're thinking/feeling/believing they won't be doing?

 

I understand your concern, and it is valid. But there is also nothing that can really be done to resolve it now...because there actually isn't even a problem yet. Have you asked your b/f at what stage of your dating is he going to tell his family that you're his g/f? I'd try to get a handle on that first, and then, once you have a firm answer, find out what he's thinking is the best way to answer them when they ask him about your faith beliefs.

[Crazywinter]

Thank you so much Ronni, it's true that I'm not sure if they would respect my beliefs and values. But there is a reason why my boyfriend hasn't told them about me or even brought up a topic about it. He's afraid of what they might say. And I have asked him when he would actually ask them about a situation like this and he said he would but he still hasn't and this was probably two years ago.

 

I've met his cousin and he's really nice, although he probably knew we were together, he never told his family about us because he knows my boyfriend's family wouldn't approve.

 

They are a pretty religious family, and I had no idea until probably a year or two of after being with him.

 

But I understand what you're saying, I am probably over thinking this. It's just my boyfriend doesn't tell me any of these things and it sort of gets to me when I think about it myself.

[Ronni_W]

Looking at it from the other side, clearly your b/f does not care too much what they may or may not think about it (or else he would NOT be dating you!) The way he is acting can equally mean that he does not need their "approval" about this.

 

A really great reason to NOT tell them now, is that he saves himself a year or two (however long before you guys get engaged) of having to listen to them b'tch and moan about it. (He might not at all be afraid of what they'll say at all; he might know exactly that he doesn't and won't give a shyte what they'll say )

 

He already HAS reassured you that everything will be fine. If you're still doubtful/mistrustful, then just ask, "Will everything be fine because you're not planning on letting your family's religiousness get between us?"

[Crazywinter]

Oh I've never thought about it like that lol.. Yes, he has always told me that he wouldn't let anything get in the way of us, but it was just hard for me to believe it because he's really close to his family, and I wouldn't want him to be in bad terms with them because of me.

 

Thank you so much again

[justwhoiam]

I suspect Ronni is a guy. And well, your boyfriend might really see it that way.

 

But - on the other hand - I think you need to get a feel of the situation ASAP to save yourself lots of trouble afterwards. I mean, the more you wait, the worse it'll be. Because now you're a year in. If the relationship goes to the dogs when you're 5 years in, it's going to be a lot worse.

 

So, let me ask you:

1. What is this religion?

2. What do you dislike about his religion?

3. Do you think this religion is ridiculous?

4. Are you ready to accept being the only atheist in your family? (that includes your children too)

5. Do you know the difference between agnostic and atheist?

6. What is his reason to postpone introducing you to his family?

7. Were his parents at the wedding too?

8. Have you ever met his parents? If so, were you introduced as a friend?

 

Now, answering those questions can let us better understand your situation.