cocomisk Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 Ok before I dive in - little bit about me - 29/Female. Never dated or been in a relationship before...so pretty clueless. Here goes... I have been seeing/dating a guy for about 6-7 weeks now. It is the first time I have ever dated a guy. It's been fun and I finally had my first kiss ever. However, there's a few things that I'm not sure I should see as red flags and get out now or if I'm overreacting, but also don't know if it's too early to bring up these topics with the guy. So, what are the issues? Well, we live about 30 minutes away from each other. I have a pretty demanding job hours wise and he is still going to college full time pursuing a very competitive field. As a result, we only seem to be able to see each other about once a week, sometimes twice. We almost never make plans ahead of time, usually only same day, and have already seemed to get into the habit of the 'hang out at my place' (which is my place, not his because he doesn't have his own place...) "date" which rarely happens before 9pm, usually because he has other commitments during the day (homework/laundry, helping out with stuff around his parent's house where he stays on the weekends..). So, in all, we've only had 3 dates during daylight, 2 of which were before anything physical entered the equation. I've been telling myself that even though I might have 2 full days off with nothing to do and would like to spend more of that time, especially maybe during the day, with this guy, that one of the things I admire most about his character is his drive and dedication toward the career he has chosen to pursue. It was something I, when I was in his position, made a conscious choice that there was no way I would let a guy get in the way of me achieving my careers goals, and I know I could never forgive myself if I did something that hampered him from achieving his. This has led me to be very understanding when he says he is loaded down with homework that essentially takes up most if not all of a weekend day... So, we spend maybe 5 hours together a week. We don't text too much, neither of us seem to be avid texters. But he does check in almost daily even just to say hello. He doesn't call either usually (he's called once that wasn't directly related to setting up a meeting later that day), but I hate the phone (not that I've told him that) so that never really bothered me either. He's never actually verbally complimented me. But some guys don't? And guys that lay it on thick I tend to find insincere anyways..? Before we actually met (we met through online dating) he talked about showing me the area as there's some great national parks nearby that I haven't been to...but since we've met, he's not mentioned that once. Since, obviously I didn't agree to go meet someone one on one in the woods for a first date...I brought it up again recently and all he said was something about the best parts being places that require overnight camping to get to. I said I was hoping to just hit the main spots first, nothing that involved yet...I don't really remember how that convo ended, but I know we didn't make any plans. I've met none of this friends. I've never seen where he lives and the other night, he was car-less and had me drop him in a parking lot rather than taking him to where he lives... So all in all, I've come to the conclusion that I'm clearly not a priority, that he may ultimately just be looking to score and then be out, and that he is definitely not looking for something more. Now, it's not even quite been 2 months...At the beginning, we both said we were skeptical of the whole online dating thing and wanted to meet new people and if something developed, great, if not, oh well. There was a little update since then where he admitted he likes me a lot, but he's had some bad experiences in the past that have made him reluctant to open up much too soon, but said we could discuss it if I wanted...(I haven't pressed this subject yet, though..) He's never said straight up he's not looking for a relationship - his profile says new friends, long and short term dating...I HAVE said I'm not looking for a friends with benefits relationship and I certainly have not slept with him, although I think he thinks that's just around the corner (it's not..). We are both pretty shy/quiet people if that makes any difference... And last minute update..he's texted me that he doesn't know when he'll be able to visit me again because he's too broke. Yes, side note, I've paid for about 75% of our dates. So...having no relationship experience, I'd like some input... ~Am I making excuses for him when I shouldn't be? ~Are these things red flags and I should cut and run now? ~Should I just bite the bullet and ask him where he stands and see if he'll open up more about his past even though it seems a little soon? ~Do I just hold off and give things a little more time to see what happens? Help..?
deathandtaxes Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 Congrats - you're a sugar momma! How can this guy seriously date if he's broke and doing school full-time? You're a hook up for him, nothing more. 1
xxmusical Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 Sorry, he doesn't sound like relationship material... The whole dropping-him-off-at-the-parking-lot sounds fishy to me. How did he get home? Did his parents pick him up or did he take the bus? Is he a lot younger than you? 1
Author cocomisk Posted September 24, 2014 Author Posted September 24, 2014 He's 25, sorry I thought I had it in there. He walked home from there. I guess I'll just chalk it up to not being good timing and that'll be that...
quidproquo89 Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 I would straight up ask him what is going on, does he want a relationship of not. Even then, he's non-commitment to you seems a bit crap to be honest. If I really liked somebody I would make an effort even if I'm really busy. I also didn't like the fact that you paid for most of the dates, but hey if he's schooling is taking that much. I would seriously think hard, is he worth your time?
quidproquo89 Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 the parking lot drop off things is also very weird I'd take that into account - its like he doesn't want you to see where he lives. Or doesn't want parents to see you dropping him off. Do they know about you?
CharlieFox Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 the parking lot drop off things is also very weird I'd take that into account - its like he doesn't want you to see where he lives. Or doesn't want parents to see you dropping him off. Do they know about you? Hey, that might be all sorts of things. Maybe he is ashamed if neighbors or friends/family see a girl dropping him off, maybe something else... Unless she specifically addresses this issue and he explains it, no one can tell for sure if it's a red flag or not.
veggirl Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 I would just quit contacting him, see what he does, and start dating others.
angel.eyes Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 Maybe he's couch surfing? Many possible reasons for that parking lot drop-off, but none of them positive. The take-away: he's not in a place in his life where he's capable of a real relationship. He has no time, no money, and possibly iffy shelter since you're dropping him off in the middle of a parking lot at night. Even though you lack experience, be proud that you recognized red flags in the situation and questioned things. I would try again...with someone who's life is a little more together.
Author cocomisk Posted September 24, 2014 Author Posted September 24, 2014 Thanks, everyone, for your comments. I appreciate it. Until I wrote it all out, I didn't realize how pathetic it all made me look. I talked to the guy last night and we ended things. He acknowledged that he just doesn't have the time to put into dating which is something he needs to examine as he doesn't know what he wants or expects to get from his onling dating experience since he claims he doesn't want a hookup. But he said he didn't feel there was enough of a spark between us to make him think he would realistically want anything long term. Ouch - but that's exactly what I needed to hear and am glad he was pretty up front and honest about it. Deep down, I knew long term was unlikely to be in the cards with this guy anyway. But, hey it was fun while it lasted and at least there's really no hard feelings about it all. Back to the drawing board, I guess haha 1
angel.eyes Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 I didn't see you as pathetic. It's easy to let one flaw slide (after all, we all have flaws or quirks), then another minor one...then a third... That's why it's so important to take a step back sometimes and look at the big picture, as you did. One other thing: if he's not putting any/minimal effort into seeing you, not making time, etc., chances are he's not that into you. Some guys stick around even if they aren't really interested, if you make it easy for them--treading water out of boredom, free dates, maybe he'll get lucky... The reasons vary, but you're still wasting your time...valuable time that could be focused on finding someone who would be a better fit. At any rate, no harm, no foul. A learning experience. And on to the next!
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