glamtran Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 Hi, I know you're already thinking how my "case" is different from others. Well, my last bf made really good money, was a tradesmen with lots of overtime, and had very little expenses. No vehicle, shared a house a house with multiple guys at once so rent was low, etc. and a cell phone bill. That's it. Before we met (and one time after which is a different issue) he could easily drop $500 a night out with friends at the bar, strippers, parties etc and often did. At comic con, he spent $2000 cash in three days on hotel and convention stuff etc. last year he paid his parents' property taxes because he makes more money per year then they do combined. So my birthday rolls around, I get taken out for dinner, which happened almost every night anyways, and I get a $25 gift which was a dragon figurine / statue thing. I like fantasy themes and he knows that so he did put some thought in it for sure. But he also randomly got me another dragon from this collection a few months earlier. So it wasn't really special, you know? Let's do the math, he could have got more. The thoughtful dragon and some other things would have been nice. Even a bouquet too. Why do clubs, bars, and strippers get 10 times what I did? We were together 7 months at this time. Should this be a factor in dating someone? I didn't leave because of this but it definitely didn't help.
CarrieT Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 Frankly, you sound greedy and entitled. What does is matter how much he makes and spends elsewhere? Why are you judging his other expenditures against what he spends on you? 5
Jules Dash Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 Was he there for you when you needed him emotionally? Was he there for you when you needed help physically such as moving or other work? What about things that doesn"t come with a dollar value?
almond Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 So he took you out for dinner, spent time with you on your birthday, and purchased a present that he put thought into. Yet you complain and state that this is part of the reason you broke up? You seem like the type that would have been happier if he spent no time with you, but showered you with expensive gifts instead. You mention that he spent money elsewhere, and you feel as though you are entitled to more of it? I actually felt a little embarrassed for you reading that post. 1
Phoe Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 It's better he got something that shows that he knows who you are than to drop a wad on the usual cliche jewelry or flowers. He put thought into it. That alone should be enough 1
Author glamtran Posted September 24, 2014 Author Posted September 24, 2014 Frankly, you sound greedy and entitled. What does is matter how much he makes and spends elsewhere? Why are you judging his other expenditures against what he spends on you? I just thought someone's girlfriend should mean more than a night of boozing and other frivolous party things? 1
jm2013 Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 I just thought someone's girlfriend should mean more than a night of boozing and other frivolous party things? Maybe it's his test for you. Maybe he wants to see if you like him for who he is as a person without his wealth before he lets you into the honey pot. Does he still booze it up and go to strip clubs or was that in the past?
Maleficent Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 (edited) Frankly, you sound greedy and entitled. What does is matter how much he makes and spends elsewhere? Why are you judging his other expenditures against what he spends on you? I really want to agree with you. And I'm going to ignore the money he spent on his parents cause, you know, duh! But honestly, if I was dating a man who treated his friends to a 2000$ week end and bought me a 25$ figurine for my birthday, I would be seriously questioning my importance to him and would end up telling him to go hang out with his friends, cause, you know, this is clearly where his priorities are. It's not because of the fact money is involved - but the flagrant difference between the two. I would have the same reaction if I was dating a man who spends all his week ends with his friends and came over for a coffee on my birthday. Edit: I'm going to add that in the place of OP, I also would have been thrilled if he took me on a romantic picnic that lasted all day instead of taking me to the restaurant (he does it everyday) and buy me a 25$ thingy. You know, just in case some of you wanted to assume I am greedy... Edited September 24, 2014 by Maleficent 1
Elle1975 Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 You have to find someone who shares similar views about money. There is no right answer about it. I am frugal, but I am not cheap. I will turn my lights off to save on energy, I buy on sale if I can, but I will spend money for your birthday. Some people are cheap, counting every penny even on vacation, some are very generous with their money. I mention vacation because one of my old bf ruined a vacation by being cheap. We need money to live, but there is no point in taking it to our graves. That's my thought on it. You can't change someone, that's what I have finally learned. Either you accept them as they are, and their views on money, or you move on. 1
jm2013 Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 I guess the most important question to ask here is does he spend more time than money on you. Maybe he's socking thousands away for an engagement ring. Do you spend money on him?
azureorb Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 No vehicle, shared a house a house with multiple guys at once so rent was low, etc. and a cell phone bill. That's itNo vehicle? If he's throwing down tons of loot going out and paying for his parents' property taxes + covers what a guy should do for a GF -- why does he have roommates, and not at least some beater of a car to have on hand at least? This concept should be about how he manages his money -- not "How much can *I* get out of it?" Because that IS the underlying concern you have. It shouldn't be. I just thought someone's girlfriend should mean more than a night of boozing and other frivolous party things?Bad thinking, though. When one of my ex's spent more money on makeup, hair products, girls-night-out every 2 weeks, gasoline in a car she Did have VS a monthly bus fare, clothes, and shoes -- when that Excess amount on that stuff is More than spent ON me or being with me -- does that mean she didn't care about me? No. How much someone means to you shouldn't be measured by their bills. You aren't an escort or buy-a-girlfriend. Your main concern should be about a guy not handling his money well, and if he throws down loot at a strip club -- regardless of what he spends on you -- while having to have roommates & no car -- THAT should be a concern. The only concern you should have in reference to yourself, is if he's putting thought in adequate good birthday gifts to you as a BF. If he was getting bare-minimum stuff yet spending all his loot everywhere, yeah, I'd be concerned. It sounds like he's covering you just fine -- but you want More than just fine for a guy dating for several months because he has more $$ than that. That's GREED. Again, your REAL concern should be him not be draining excess money on YOU for gifts. At all. It should be him draining excess money PERIOD -- on anything, when he doesn't have a car and seems to have to live with roommates! Don't let greed cloud your vision on the real problem.
Toodaloo Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 He remembered your birthday. He went as far as to wrap it up and ensure it would be something you liked. If he does other stuff like this, which it sounds like he does, in general then actually I think your being a bit mean. I considered myself lucky if I got a grunt. Then the ex would go out after he told his mates (who were appalled) and get me something he wanted and chuck it at me a few days later. To be honest I would rather he hadn't bothered at all as he ruined every birthday, Christmas etc possible by not bothering then bothering out of guilt rather than because he wanted to... You like dragons - he got you a dragon...
CarrieT Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 I just thought someone's girlfriend should mean more than a night of boozing and other frivolous party things? It is telling that the only information you have provided about the relationship is financial. What did it mean to be his girlfriend? Did you live together? One night a week, two nights a week? How often did you communicate? What other activities did you two share? "Just being someone's girlfriend" could mean a lot of things that we don't know - you could be a once-a-week dinner date and have the title of girlfriend or you could have a relationship tantamount to a full partnership with names on the titles of each other's car. The bottom line is that we don't know the extent of your relationship with him and, as such, we have to base on what you are telling us. Maybe the boozing and partying is frivolous in YOUR mind, but we don't know in what context it occurred; how long he has had his friends (vs. having you as a girlfriend), etc. But based on what you have written, I would still contend that you are too mired in the $$$$ and how his relationship with you is based entirely on the financial and nothing else. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 The cost of the gift shouldn't matter. The thought behind it does matter. Give the fact that he has disposable income it would not have been unreasonable for him to have spend more but it is unreasonable & off-putting for you to be demanding more from a BF. Also some people just aren't gift givers. My husband was pretty stingy in that department when we 1st met. He's gotten much better as I led by example.
Author glamtran Posted September 24, 2014 Author Posted September 24, 2014 Maybe it's his test for you. Maybe he wants to see if you like him for who he is as a person without his wealth before he lets you into the honey pot. Does he still booze it up and go to strip clubs or was that in the past? Well honestly, yes he does go out and there was a strip club night once, and a LOT of cash was dropped. That was a bad night and I tried working on it. $250 lap dance? Really? See where I'm coming from? Somewhat of a different issue though. But like Maleficent said, clearly there was a difference which is disconcerting. Without looking at hard numbers. Also, azureorb is right too. I should be more concerned that he has this kind of income but still lives with roommates and has no vehicle, right? And that does concern me too. Trust me. I just figure all this money he's saving by not having a car or mortgage shouldn't be spent on pole dancers. Perhaps lack of ambition? That should be a bigger deciding factor, than dollar figures shouldn't it. I just don't feel like a priority sometimes. My bday was a good opportunity to make up for somethings I've mentioned about. I know I can't change a guy who already has his habits and lifestyle.... 1
MissBee Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 (edited) Frankly, you sound greedy and entitled. What does is matter how much he makes and spends elsewhere? Why are you judging his other expenditures against what he spends on you? If someone seems to be in the habit of spending with wild abandon, I think it is perfectly reasonable to question what it means when they generally spend thousands and hundreds of dollars on the regular with friends or doing leisurely things, but for your birthday they spend $25. I don't think it is necessarily about being entitled but it does raise an eyebrow for me anyway about their priorities. It's one thing if the person isn't spending wildly regularly, then it's not really a big deal or out of the ordinary but if they do...then the question is: since money is no object for friends, strippers, or fun, why doesn't the birthday of their SO see the same usual lavishness? I think that is the part that is off... That would be the issue for me. It wouldn't be an issue of wanting or expecting expensive gifts because I'm entitled but if I know my bf goes out with friends and spends thousands quite regularly, then on my birthday he gives me a card and a $25 teddy bear....I would really wonder why the huge discrepancy in spending there. HOW people spend their money says a lot about them and I don't think is is absurd for a woman to question this if she notices that her boyfriend invests more money into strippers and other frivolities but seems more fiscally restrained with her. I think she should pay attention because if for him money in his mind is spent on what he values then it doesn't look good. Edited September 24, 2014 by MissBee 3
slizl Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 He got you a $25 gift because you can't set a precident on the first gift. So lets say he drops 2k on your bday like he did at comicon or whatever. Then Christmas comes around and he only spends 1k and you are right back in this forum complaining about the same thing. Start small and build, don't blow your wad on the first anything.... 1
Maleficent Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 Well honestly, yes he does go out and there was a strip club night once, and a LOT of cash was dropped. That was a bad night and I tried working on it. $250 lap dance? Really? See where I'm coming from? Somewhat of a different issue though. But like Maleficent said, clearly there was a difference which is disconcerting. Without looking at hard numbers. Also, azureorb is right too. I should be more concerned that he has this kind of income but still lives with roommates and has no vehicle, right? And that does concern me too. Trust me. I just figure all this money he's saving by not having a car or mortgage shouldn't be spent on pole dancers. Perhaps lack of ambition? That should be a bigger deciding factor, than dollar figures shouldn't it. I just don't feel like a priority sometimes. My bday was a good opportunity to make up for somethings I've mentioned about. I know I can't change a guy who already has his habits and lifestyle.... Well, I would be concerned about the partying and the strip clubs before anything else...
preraph Posted September 24, 2014 Posted September 24, 2014 I'm not going to completely absolve you from a degree of greediness and entitlement, but I am going to spin this in hopes you gain some new perspective about it. He's your boyfriend, not your husband. Men all have ideas about what type of gifts are "next level" gifts and he's clearly still got you in holding pattern and isn't escalating gifts into the next relationship level at this time. That's not especially stupid of him, though it can be frustrating, I suppose, both because you want something nice and because you'd probably like to be working toward more commitment. Not sure where your disconnect is, but to most people this would be obvious. The guy is still spending $500 on strippers. He is nowhere near ready to get serious. He is all about getting laid and just having a good time. He pays them more because they momentarily give him what he wants and have perfect bodies and no demands while doing it. They're hos. Your man likes hos. Your man also likes expensive toys. This brings into question whether he's a man at all or still a boy. But it's very simple math to see that he is more committed to both hos and toys than he is to you at this time.
almond Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 He also took her out to dinner on her birthday - that also costs something, and is part of the present. She didn't appreciate the dinner because she said he takes her out for dinner almost every night anyway The actual figurine was worth $25, but it was thoughtful and relevant to her interests. She mentions a time he went away for a few nights, whch cost $2000. I've spent money on vacation too - doesn't mean I need to spend a fortune on my boyfriend for his birthday!! You also bring up that he used to spend a lot of money out with his friends and in strip clubs, but you say that stopped once you were together (apart from that one time - which is a whole other story I assume). He took her out to dinner, which costs money. He spent time with her. He bought her a thoughtful gift. I see some red flags in this post, but his treatment of her on her birthday definitely wasn't one of them.
Gloria25 Posted September 25, 2014 Posted September 25, 2014 I'm just curious.... If he "were" to spend more on you, then how much do you think he should of spent and on what? While I think splurging on strippers and boozing is silly, I kinda thought about it some more...and, think about it, if he was throwing a party at his house - how much to you think he would have to spend? Last I took my family out to eat and last I remember it came up to over $200 and that was without strippers and booze (and that's why I hate going home, I always spend a couple of thousands )...My point is, if he was throwing a party at his house (which people do - like BBQs and stuff), $500 sounds reasonable to me for food, booze and "entertainment".
Author glamtran Posted September 25, 2014 Author Posted September 25, 2014 Your man also likes expensive toys. This brings into question whether he's a man at all or still a boy. But it's very simple math to see that he is more committed to both hos and toys than he is to you at this time. I guess that is all I was trying to verify by posting in the first place, and just focused too much on the $ amount. Either way, I guess it would be time to go then.
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