How come I manage to get blown off every time I ask a friend to hang out?

[iDrumKing]

I've been trying to get a friend to hang out for the past 3 weeks now and I get blown off every single time. They're "always busy."

 

I have a busier schedule than them with school, work, and family. I'm able to make some time. My friend? No job, school, or cares about family time. I see them show up on my Facebook and they're always doing something else.

 

I'm beating a dead horse...

[Ronni_W]

I'm beating a dead horse...

Yes, you are. Stop doing it, why not?

 

It seems like you may be mirroring to your friend everything that s/he has NOT yet accomplished/achieved in life. Their not wanting to have to "face themselves" in that way - however unconscious that self-protective tendency may be -- could be a reason for their avoidance.

 

Either that, or s/he has some different issue (with you), that they're not yet ready to share, address, resolve.

[iDrumKing]

Yes, you are. Stop doing it, why not?

 

It seems like you may be mirroring to your friend everything that s/he has NOT yet accomplished/achieved in life. Their not wanting to have to "face themselves" in that way - however unconscious that self-protective tendency may be -- could be a reason for their avoidance.

 

Either that, or s/he has some different issue (with you), that they're not yet ready to share, address, resolve.

 

I've never looked at it that way. By no means am I consciously doing it.

 

I guess the fact that I am able to set aside some time from my busy schedule, he should be able to set aside time from his non existent schedule.

 

But you're right, he could have issues that I am not aware of.

 

It just stinks because he is actually one of my better friends. It'd be nice to kick back with a friend after a heavy work loaded week.

[Ronni_W]

No...not the YOU'RE doing anything...only that there could be "stuff" going on within your friend, consciously or unconsciously.

It just stinks because he is actually one of my better friends. It'd be nice to kick back with a friend after a heavy work loaded week.

Then TELL HIM EXACTLY THAT. That you consider him one of your good buddies and miss his <whatever> - "down-to-earth-ness" or "sense of humour" or "how he doesn't back down from a good debate" or doesn't let you get away with crap or self-BS, or you have no one with whom to bitch about how bad your team is doing -- whatever it may be that is your positive expression of what he brings into your life.

 

He may be feeling that he has nothing positive to contribute to you at this time; that he would only be "taking from" and not "giving to" the relationship.

[iDrumKing]

He may be feeling that he has nothing positive to contribute to you at this time; that he would only be "taking from" and not "giving to" the relationship.

 

What if I told you that he wouldn't have the maturity level to fully understand what I say?

 

I don't mean sound like I'm coming from a condescending talk. We've known each other since we were 4 so I know him extremely well to make that type of judgement.

[Ronni_W]

What if I told you that he wouldn't have the maturity level to fully understand what I say?

 

I don't mean sound like I'm coming from a condescending talk. We've known each other since we were 4 so I know him extremely well to make that type of judgement.

That was going to be my other suggestion: that he finds you judgmental, condescending, somewhat over-puffed with all your life's success and achievements.

 

Even if there is some or all truth and accuracy in your self-assessment and your judgment of him, nobody really likes to hang-out with that guy...the one who thinks that way. You may believe that you've been hiding your true feelings/perceptions quite well, but that your friend is now avoiding hanging out with you, might suggest otherwise.

 

In any case, why seek out the company of someone who can't even fully understand something so simple as, "I miss hanging out with you"??? What DO you get out of such a relationship? (I mean, have you thought about that? ... not that you have to share it here.)

[iDrumKing]

In any case, why seek out the company of someone who can't even fully understand something so simple as, "I miss hanging out with you"??? What DO you get out of such a relationship? (I mean, have you thought about that? ... not that you have to share it here.)

 

No no I don't mind sharing. I mean it's not like I've ever shoved anything in his face in terms of success. We're both 21 and if I'm just in school and he isn't. I just work in a coffee shop and he is still looking for work. Which I've been trying my hardest to help him with, so I do care about his well being.

 

Too be honest with your last question... I don't get too much from the friendship like I used to. I do question sometimes if the friendship has run it's course.

 

PS I really hope you don't get the sense that I think I'm above anyone. I'm not.

[Ronni_W]

No...not really that you come across as arrogant or "above anyone". But clearly, you do feel okay about and are comfortable expressing that your maturity level is higher than ("above") this particular other person's.

 

It's not about not caring about his well-being...it's about the mindset from which you are caring. (Does that make sense?) For him, it's also about how you come across TO HIM. His sense/perception may be subject to distortion, just as yours is...only that you two have different distortions going on, about the other.

 

If you're not getting that much out of it anymore, why are you still calling him one of your "better" friends? It sounds like you need to stop asking the question about whether the friendship needs to be allowed a dignified fade-out, and start answering that question