Berries_123 Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 So my boyfriend and I were on good terms with our exes in the beginning of our relationship (we've been together for a year now). The only difference was that he knew my ex was in fact my ex, whereas he referred to his ex as a friend for a very long time until I got suspicious of why he was so close to her. He eventually did tell me that she was his ex but because their hook-up was so casual he never really viewed her as a ex, and therefore never introduced her to me as an ex. I was upset for a very long time about that (and it still gets to me that he lied) but I realized keeping our exes as friends wasn't a good idea, and I cut off all contact with my ex. He, however, kept in touch with her as they also worked together. They would hang out one-on-one on a frequent basis, call each other everyday etc etc. She made it evident that she still had feelings for him by posting certain things on socialmedia to piss me off, and at that point I couldn't tolerate his friendship with her anymore.I asked him to cut ties with her, and he said he would do it slowly. He took his time, but he dideventually stop talking to her (about two months ago). He said he would delete her off social networkingsites as well, but he never did this.Although I was hoping he would, he didn't, and I let it go. I still have my ex on social networking sites as well, and my boyfriend always stated that he had no problem with this. (Obviously hewouldn't! He had his ex on his sites as well!) Couple of days ago, however, he told me how my ex being on my social networking sites was bugging him, and he'd prefer if I deleted him - and he was willing to delete his ex as well because he realized how bothersome my ex's presence is to him, and so I must feel the same way about his ex. This made me absolutely furious! When I asked him to delete her, he said he would do it eventually - but he didn't. He ONLY chose to do it once my ex started bothering him. How ridiculous and unfair is that!? I have no interest in keeping my ex on social media, and I have no problem deleting him. The problem I do have however is that HE deletes HIS EX only when HE starts feeling uncomfortable about mine, and not when I asked him to! Am I being unfair here? We're both upset with each other.
PegNosePete Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Maybe when you asked him to delete his ex, he saw the hypocracy that you were keeping yours, and that's why he didn't do it. What's the problem here? Just delete your ex and say there I deleted mine, your turn. If he still doesn't do it then you have a problem.
Author Berries_123 Posted September 23, 2014 Author Posted September 23, 2014 It's the fact that he only realized he should delete his ex when my ex starting bothering him. He didn't take any of that into account when he knew his ex was an issue in our relationship. I got rid of my ex without my bf having to ask me to do it, whereas I had to put up with his ex and her nonsense until it became intolerable and THEN he made the decision to 'slowly' let her go - which is why he prolonged deleting her. My bf EXPLICITLY told me he was ok with having my ex on social media, so I left him there (a justification for keeping his own ex there, I'm sure). But suddenly now my ex has to be deleted, because he's deleting his own ex? I don't know if I'm making sense here.
Crila16 Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 I'm with PNP. What's the problem here? Just delete your ex. Don't make it such a drama. If he asks, just say "Ok." As for his ex...who cares???? If he wanted to be with her, he would have been with her. No one involved is married. It's not like he couldn't just leave you if he really wanted to be with her. He also hasn't given you any reason to believe that he likes her as more than just a friend...so basically it's YOUR insecurity and paranoia. Let it go and stop creating an issue where there isn't one. You're going to self sabotage. He doesn't want her, or he'd be with her. I don't know about you...but let's say you're in love with a guy, would you go off and date someone else, especially if you know the guy you're in love with, is in love with you back? No...that would be insanity.
Maleficent Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 OP, I think you are over reacting but not by asking him to cut off ties with the so called ex (not that I agree with that but meh). You asked him to cut off ties with his 'ex' and you expected him to follow through. Now that he is asking to cut off ties with your ex, you are all pissy about it. What were expecting? Relationships don't work that way. If he can't have contact with ex, neither should you. On a side note, am I the only women out there who feels a platonic female friend (who was never intimate with the guy) is more of a potential threat than an ex? How often do best friends suddenly realize they are in love? seriously...
Author Berries_123 Posted September 23, 2014 Author Posted September 23, 2014 (edited) I thought I was overreacting all along. So for the first 5-6months of our relationship where he was telling me he wanted to buy her jewelryfor her birthday, where they were going to the movies together, where they weretalking on the phone late night, where she came crying to him asking him to getback with her – I didn’t say ANYTHING to him. Sure he wasn’t cheating on me,but he also wasn’t realizing how this was poisoning our relationship. I let it go though because I really trustedhim, and really did think their relationship was platonic. I later found outthat this same ex cheated on my bf numerous times in the past… YET it took himforever to get rid of her? If I was pissy about deleting my ex, I wouldn’t havecut ties with him in the first place. I stopped talking to my ex way before mybf cut ties with his ex. My issue here is that he’s being a hypocrite now bydeleting his ex ONLY when my ex’s presence started bothering him. Or I'm absolutely insane? It's confusing at times I think I'm the problem, but then there was so much evidence to make me feel uncomfortable about everything. Yes, he did eventually cut ties off with her, but the way he did it, and his behavior now, is just pissing me off further. It's hard to differentiate whether I have paranoia issues, or whether he's actually done things to make me feel this way. Edited September 23, 2014 by Berries_123
Maleficent Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 I thought I was overreacting all along. So for the first 5-6months of our relationship where he was telling me he wanted to buy her jewelryfor her birthday, where they were going to the movies together, where they weretalking on the phone late night, where she came crying to him asking him to getback with her – I didn’t say ANYTHING to him. Sure he wasn’t cheating on me,but he also wasn’t realizing how this was poisoning our relationship. I let it go though because I really trustedhim, and really did think their relationship was platonic. I later found outthat this same ex cheated on my bf numerous times in the past… YET it took himforever to get rid of her? If I was pissy about deleting my ex, I wouldn’t havecut ties with him in the first place. I stopped talking to my ex way before mybf cut ties with his ex. My issue here is that he’s being a hypocrite now bydeleting his ex ONLY when my ex’s presence started bothering him. Or I'm absolutely insane? It's confusing at times I think I'm the problem, but then there was so much evidence to make me feel uncomfortable about everything. Yes, he did eventually cut ties off with her, but the way he did it, and his behavior now, is just pissing me off further. It's hard to differentiate whether I have paranoia issues, or whether he's actually done things to make me feel this way. Part of the problem is you're venting on here instead of sitting down and having an actual conversation with your boyfriend about it. ... Not sure what you want us to tell you here. He pushed boundaries from the start but you never established those boundaries to begin with. You even made it look like you were fine with it by not saying anything. Perhaps he didn't want to look like the controlling boyfriend and didn't tell you he had a problem with you being friends with your ex + you didn't seem to mind he was friends with his ex, so he just said he was fine with it. I maintain my opinion that if one person in the couple can't be friend with his/her exes, neither can the other person. It's the only way it'll work.
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