stevenza Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Hi I have been dating my girlfriend for 2 and half years. We live together and we have the most amazing relationship and friendship. She has always had a much lower sex drive then I have, but this has never been an issue (too me) In the beginning we had plenty of sex and it slowly dwindled. I guess we probably should have spoken about it earlier on, but we didn't, and now she has broken down and feels like this has become an issue. Don't get me wrong, I do believe intimacy is a huge aspect of a relationship. In my eyes things have been fine, as she is this most prefect match for me. I can now see that my reactions to her not wanting to cuddle or be intimate has slowly worked away at her and have finally broken her (again let me stress that I have been totally ok with the situation and relationship) So had a long chat - it hurt me a bit - but I think because I feel I have let her down by making her feel so insecure about things. We both insist that we still love each other dearly and want this to work and are both committed to working through this rough patch. The problem now, is that after talking about it, there is a bit of awkwardness - its almost created a whole other problem. we only had this chat a few days ago and haven't tried to be intimate since, but our relationship definitely has become a bit more "rocky" She want things to go back to normal so she can try and work her stuff out and we can get back to where we were. However, I'm finding it difficult to try and block it out my mind and get back to normal and keep bring it up and making things worse! Any advice on blocking this out to try and save our relationship?
evanescentworld Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Don't 'block' anything. Consider seeing a psychosexual counsellor, but it's important to not blow the matter out of proportion. Remember the saying: When the sex is great, it's 5% vital to the balance of the relationship When the sex isn't great, it's 95% vital to the balance of a relationship. You need to go out on a date, have a little drink, and discuss what, and how much sex is important to both of you. Don't apply pressure. never speak of "I'd like YOU to..." or "It would be great if you'd..." Talk about what you like, and what you're willing to do. Be aware that a mild mismatch, is workable. A huge mismatch is going to get more problematic: For example, if you'd be happy with twice a week, but even twice a month seems too much to her, that's a red flag. Sex is a physical demand, a need, an enjoyment. It shouldn't ever escalate to being a trial or an ordeal. Hug her, tell her you love her, and that it's a good idea to just abandon yourselves to the moment. Every cuddle is not going to be a pre-emptor to sex, every caress, every kiss every look. They don't add up to "I want sex now" and that should be clear to both of you. 2
Author stevenza Posted September 23, 2014 Author Posted September 23, 2014 Thanks for the reply! Yeah you make a lot of sense! Perhaps I didn't get across correctly - by blocking it out I meant the insecurity and awkwardness over the matter - not the matter itself which I agree need s our full attention! I feel we definitely on the mild mismatch as I said, it wasn't even on my radar as a major issue. I do believe she was viewing every cuddle, caress etc a pre-emptor to sex so that's a great point - thanks! Don't 'block' anything. Consider seeing a psychosexual counsellor, but it's important to not blow the matter out of proportion. Remember the saying: When the sex is great, it's 5% vital to the balance of the relationship When the sex isn't great, it's 95% vital to the balance of a relationship. You need to go out on a date, have a little drink, and discuss what, and how much sex is important to both of you. Don't apply pressure. never speak of "I'd like YOU to..." or "It would be great if you'd..." Talk about what you like, and what you're willing to do. Be aware that a mild mismatch, is workable. A huge mismatch is going to get more problematic: For example, if you'd be happy with twice a week, but even twice a month seems too much to her, that's a red flag. Sex is a physical demand, a need, an enjoyment. It shouldn't ever escalate to being a trial or an ordeal. Hug her, tell her you love her, and that it's a good idea to just abandon yourselves to the moment. Every cuddle is not going to be a pre-emptor to sex, every caress, every kiss every look. They don't add up to "I want sex now" and that should be clear to both of you.
evanescentworld Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Sometimes, the way to build up to 'this cuddle isn't asking for sex' is to behave in a tactile way, but 'carelessly'... that is, if for example you're both in the kitchen together, and she's cooking, you're washing up, as you might pass behind her to grab a dirty pan, just lay your hand on her back, for an instant, and then continue with what you were doing... just a brief, loving but light touch. As you get out of the car, and you reach for your belt, simultaneously, give her hand a light squeeze, or if you're driving, touch her knee lightly, briefly, once having shifted gear. become tactile, so that your touch becomes reassuring, constant and loving. You get the point.... 1
Gloria25 Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Well, you did say she had a low sex drive and IMO, when people have "issues" sometimes we think that we can change them and/or it will improve with time and/or marriage... But from what I've seen, an issue that was just a 'little stain' on the RL, turn into a big, big stain after the RL progresses and/or marriage. So, in other words, the contrary happens.
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