Just not feeling the chemistry with her and it's making me sick

[mandudebro]

Just three months ago I met a woman who I felt was absolutely perfect for me. We saw each other for a month and it was absolutely amazing but then she hit me with the 'I'm not feeling it' and ended it abruptly. I was devastated though she really did it in the most respectful way she could.

 

After taking a while off the dating scene, I decide to give online dating a try. I meet a nice lady on it and decide why the heck not meet her. Now, the thing is, I blatantly stated I was only looking for friends at the moment but if it leads to something more then by all means let it. However her first meet, she insists on calling it a date and I basically figure why not? It's really just semantics after all.

 

Well, two months later I feel like I've just made huge mistake after huge mistake. Right off the bat, she was not my normal cup-o-tea of the women I date for the sake of 'trying something new'. I kissed her only because it looked like she really wanted it while I was still feeling tepid. She has told me she's a virgin and I'm getting strong vibes she wants me to be her first. Just no matter how much we are together and communicate, I cannot really muster up any romantic feelings for her despite her being a real great person.

 

I've only been in two serious relationships and have been the dumpee in both and finding myself needing to be on the other side of the coin just makes me want to throw up. I don't want to just cut and run by dropping communication with her because she deserves better but I am just scared to death of having to do it in person and not sure I can really muster up the courage.

[eotdevice]

I am going thru the same lack of feeling with a woman I have been dating seriously for 18 months.

 

 

I am going to man up and just end it. Been building for a while for me and we had a big sit down 6 months ago on the same issues. I discussed with her my lack of feeling for her then and she asked me to stay with her. Nothing changed for me and my lack of feelings for her have grown. Please don't get me wrong either she is a wonderful woman but just lacks some of the mental and emotional intimacy that I need in a long term relationship or eventual life partner. And no, I don't have any other woman lined up!

 

 

So I would say to you get out now before you make the mistake of sleeping with this woman.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to be upfront and tell her you see the two of you as friends. Don't tell her you're not ready for a relationship (or some other similar excuse) because then she'll wonder why you're still doing online dating.

 

In the meantime, you need to understand that calling something a date is not just semantics to a lot of people. And never kiss someone because the other person really wants it. I know you're not trying to be unkind to her, but you're sending a ton of mixed signals. Next time, be clearer with yourself about what you want and much clearer with the girl involved.

[mightycpa]

not sure I can really muster up the courage.

 

Whoa! You've got the wrong handle, amigo. You might want to try a name like iwantmilkkitty.

 

Ok, just teasing, sort of. Look, nobody likes being the bad guy. And that's what you think you're doing. But you're actually being the good guy here. Why? Because you're wasting her time right now.

 

I'm guessing that what you're afraid of is that she'll take this personally, like you did when you were the dumpee, amirite?

 

Oh! What's wrong with me that she didn't like me?

 

Love is not a zero-sum game. You're not on a ladder, moving up and down based on who likes you and who doesn't. It is more like the game concentration. Somebody flips your card, and you're either a match, or you're not. If somebody comes along and tries to pretend that two non-matching cards are actually a match, I think you'd agree with me that they are wasting everybody's time. So all you're really doing is explaining that you're not a match, and you're going to try to find another card to flip, and so should they.

 

That's all. Be nice, but be firm. Short answers when the question is "why". Plan to spend some time with them, but overall, after two months of dating, I'm thinking you're over and done within 15 minutes. Anything more is just dragging it out.

 

Go get 'em, tiger.

[Standard-Fare]

After two months, the right thing to do is a direct conversation. Probably on the phone, assuming you don't want to deal with it in person.

 

If you don't have the balls for that, a very sincere email is your next best bet. Expressing that she's a great girl but "you're just not feeling it" and you don't want to waste anybody's time. And also, inviting her to talk more about this if she needs to.