Fiancé left...after 6 years

[Ecko08]

Ok, registered earlier to post. I don't have anyone to talk to. This is long I just hope someone reads it.

 

My fiancé and I were together for 6 years. Well, over the course of 6 years. We broke up a couple times briefly before getting back together. I'm 28 now, she'll be 25. We've been through so many lows over our time together. When I had first met her I sensed something about her that wasn't like the ones before. I don't know how to explain it but it was just there. Anyway, we had began seeing each other. We've both struggled with substance abuse for a long time. We've had financial troubles, family troubles, work troubles, living troubles. When I had met her she was starting school and I was finishing up. I put myself through school and worked two jobs for many years. I come from a type of family that works and provides. I didn't come from an affectionate place. Broken home, mentally unstable dad, pissed at the world mom (ex-cop). Small family. They had split when me and my brother were young. I was around 8, I think. Anyway, since I was a kid I, without exaggeration, remember only hearing them say they loved us a dozen times...between the two of them. My fiancé on the other hand came from a larger family. Only one sister but a lot of cousins, aunts & uncles around. Every time she would speak with any family member she would say "I love you" before hanging up the phone or departing. Her parents separated some short time after I met her. Her mother and sister moved to Orlando, FL and soon after her father moved down as well, ironically, across the street. The younger sister was still in high school so he wanted to be near to help provide. My fiancé stayed up here with her grandparents. Soon after, her grandmother passed away. I hadn't met much of the family but I attended the wake. It was super awkward but I cared about her and wanted to support her.

 

When I was younger I used to party a lot, drinking and doing drugs, whatever. She liked to take pills. Anyway, I had eased up a little bit when I met her. I had been living in a small house with a buddy of mine. She was having troubles at school so she stopped going. This was near when we first broke up sometime in 2009, if I remember correctly. She ended up moving down to FL to stay with her father. She had come back up here for whatever reason and was staying back at her grandfathers house. I had moved into an apartment by myself and we continued to grow closer. However, both our usage fluctuated. See, she is sick. Kidney problems. And when she got sick they told her she needed surgery. And she needed money to do it because insurance wouldn't cover all of it. I vowed to myself I was going to do everything I could to make that happen. Around that time, 2010, I had lost a job of 5 years and began to work for myself full time. I was making ok money but no where close to what she needed. I kept trying and trying.

 

I was back to excessively drinking and partying around that time. She had been doing a lot of pills. There were always times where we would comment on straightening out but it was difficult. So, it was myself and my dog in the apartment and she was basically always there with me. When she was with me I wouldn't drink. But she would go home and I would go to the store and load up on booze. I was younger so I thought I was doing everything right. I had a home, paid my bills, worked for myself, all while drinking and partying. I was living it up, I thought. Well, towards end of 2010 we had fought again and broke up again. She went back to FL. It wasn't long before we started talking again. No matter what had happened I always wanted things to get fixed and always only wanted her. Yea, when we didn't speak I did whatever it was I did and she did whatever it was she did. I didn't ask. Didn't care. So, we were talking again soon enough but while I was here in NY the drinking got worse. A lot worse. I was tired of it but couldn't stop. We eventually talked about getting her back here. I wanted her to live with me. We just needed a time to do it. Coincidentally enough, my brother was graduating in school not far from where she lived in FL. The plan was set. When I went to visit for my brothers graduation, her and I and her dog would hop into her car and drive back to NY. Before that could happen thought I was arrested for felony DWI. I had been in trouble a lot in the past, before I met her. Hadn't been in trouble since. Well, this was in April 2011 and it turned out to be on the most trying times of my life. My brother was graduating a month later so we prepared our plan and waited. I went down and got her. We got back and it was the two of us and two dogs. There were little arguments here and there but, whatever, everyone does. I hadn't drank or done anything since I had gotten arrested. She was doing good down in FL until she got into a car accident just before my DWI. Her back was injured and she started taking pills again. Except at a bit higher rate. Regardless, when she was back here she began working at a tanning salon since we had bills. She had a coworker there she befriended and the pills jumped up a degree. It would frustrate me and her usage would go up and down constantly. She would hold back and ask once in a while if she could get one when her back was really acting up. Yes, I was enabling her by saying ok get one but it killed me to see her go through so much pain. She was going to an osteopathic doctor who wouldn't prescribe meds. I had gone with her to appointments and the doctor taught me techniques and things I could do at home to help her out. She would get these terrible spasms in her back. I would work on her back as much and as often as I could. As long as she wasn't in pain. I eventually found out, though, that her "one pill" ended up being 5 or 6 she would buy at a time and hide. At $25 a pop sometimes. Damn Roxy's. When I found out I was pretty upset. Not so much at her doing them but her hiding them. I hadn't been drinking yet she was using pills behind my back. I ignored it as best I could because my court things were coming up. It was August 2011 and she came with me to what was supposed to be an adjournment. My lawyer comes up to us and says "we're gonna finish this up today". I was panicked as all hell. I was looking at 3-7 years and the DA really wanted me to do time based on my past indiscretions. I wasn't fully prepared but I had spoke with my fiancé that if the time came I was going away she would get my bank and safe info and to take all the money I had and continue paying for her and the dogs to live in the apartment. Regardless, I was nervous but lawyer was good. I got sentenced to 3 years of a strict type of probation called T.A.S.C. (Treatment Alternatives for Street Crimes). One little slip up and I would serve a full sentence. Under TASC guidelines I had to go to outpatient treatment and AA, which was fine with me. I welcomed the help. I had done treatment programs when I was younger but didn't take them seriously. So, the program I went to only goes for 8 months. I requested to stay longer and stuck around for a year and a half. I went to AA consistently for almost a year. Never really participated in the meetings for AA just kept quiet and sat in the back. My fiancé was so happy and proud that I was going and doing better. I eventually couldn't stand going to them anymore because I simply could not relate to them. They're yuppies complaining about their BMWs going to the shop or their tenants fighting for their $50k rent back. I was used to convicts and heroin addicts in the outpatient program. People trying to re-enter society. So, I stopped going to AA. Fiancé kept doing pills at fluctuating intervals. I just didn't want her to be in pain. I've always wanted her to be better but that's been a difficult thing to accomplish. We would argue about each other being an addict and it was hurtful on both sides. But, I kept doing what I was doing. Working, providing, making sure we were eating, paying bills, etc. There were arguments here and there. I just wanted things to straighten out. She eventually eased up on using, which was good. But, enough time passed and I secretly began to have some beers here and there. Terrible to do, I know. I rationalized it in my mind by saying "she's doing a couple pills I'll be ok if I drink some beers". Well, we would go back and forth with that for a while. Things really began to unravel in January 2013.

 

I had been living in the apartment for 38 months. It was always for sale. Well, my landlord had called and said the house was sold I had a month and a half to get out. Where I live in NY...idk, I didn't know that the rental landscape had changed so drastically in the 38 months I was in the house. I didn't have enough to get another apartment at the time. When I finally did the only rentals available were $2500+ a month. Rentals are scarce around here. So, we went to this cottage/hotel place for a month. It was completely unreasonable and after that month we went to stay at my parents house. In the basement. On the floor. For months. It was miserable but as long as we were together I felt content. I kept working and working trying to save but also pay debts from my arrest a year and half earlier, among other things. My work vehicle broke down. Her car broke down. My dogs medication.

 

Our Dogs medication. See, I had gotten my dog 5 years earlier, when she was a puppy. After 2 years I found out she had dilated cardio myopathy. She was born with an irregular heart and would only have half the life span she was supposed to. The best dog anyone could ask for. Everyone loved her. And she was unfortunate enough to be subjected to a dozen pills shoved down her throat every day. A dozen pills every day. For the rest of her shortened life. It killed me but she was always happy. Anyway, I guess from the moving around so much began to put stress on her heart. One day she got sick. She was dying in front of us. Her stomach and lungs had filled with fluid and she was suffocating. We went to the vet ER at 1am. They drained her stomach and said she had a few days left. The next day I brought her to my regular vet. He drained her stomach again and said we had to decide to let her die on her own or put her down. My fiancé and I spoke for a while about it. It was a very hard decision to make but it, of course, wasn't fair to make her suffer because we wanted to be selfish and keep her with us. So it was we brought Marley to the vet a couple days later. We sat in the room with her on the floor. My fiancé was distraught and I didn't want her to see it happen. She was going to go outside but at the last moment didnt get up. She sat with me, petting Marley and she quietly passed away. It was rough, needless to say. Just an awful thing to watch happen. That moment I knew one thing was for sure: she was, and had been, the one.

 

Well, as time passed it became clear watching that was too much for the fiancé to have handled. I was still at a loss as well but the pill use came back full swing. She had hidden it well. One day, while still staying at my parents house, there was a BBQ where my family had come over. She came out of the bathroom and her nostrils were all blue. I was pretty upset, again, not at her doing it just the secrecy. I could understand the situation we were in but don't hide it and don't snort them. Anyway, a short time later, her grandfather decided to move down to FL with her father and sell the house in NY. It was in the same town, not far. So, we were allowed to stay there while the house was empty and for sale. I had to take care of the house and upkeep but we had a home...if only temporarily. She had eased up, yet again, on the using and decided to go to a rehab facility. She went to an 8 day detox. She came back happier. She attended NA, I even went with her a couple times for support. Despite really not wanting to I went back to AA to show my support. I hadn't been drinking prior but wanted to support her like she supported me. So, she came back happier...but different. One day we had an argument. I said I would stay at my parents house for the night. The next day, I didn't hear from her. A week later I still hadn't. I was worried sick she had relapsed and was all messed up. I finally heard from her and I was relieved. But, during those few days of fear I chose to make the leap. I'm not a rich man. I do what I could. I couldn't afford a ring at the time. But the proposal and the words were true. I asked and she said yes. Weeks later, my parents house was sold. Just after that, her grandfathers house was sold.

 

We went back to the cottage hotel place. It's basically a tiny studio apartment. It was tight for the two of us and the dog but as long as they were with me it was going to be ok. These had all been trying times but those struggles are what solidifies the bond. We were there for 5 or 6 months maybe. It got frustrating at times. There wasn't a place to cook a meal so we always ate out. Her car broke down. My work truck broke down. We had bills. She hasn't worked since she went to rehab months earlier. April 2014 rolled around and the owner of the place told me the rates were going up beginning in May. It was tough because I was on the cusp of finding a place with a little more time but time has never seemed to be on my side. We spoke about it and came to a decision. Possibly the worst decision Ive agreed to. I was going to stay on the couch at my grandmas house and she would go back to FL while I worked up here and got things in order. I had gotten more work opportunities around this time but needed time for them to pan out. I've been on a couch for 5 months. I do landscaping work. I push my body to the brink and risk my health. I've patiently counted the days. The sun always shines but there's a dark cloud following me around. Well, July rolled around and a i had gotten paid nicely for a job the week before. I took some of that and began hitting up jewelry stores. I had looked at a lot of rings online to get ideas but ultimately wanted something different.

 

Then, I found it. The perfect ring. I thought it was special. Not traditional. It had her birthstone in the middle of it. I knew it was perfect. I was nervous the whole time. The ladies behind the counter saw it and kept telling me to relax...she would say yes. They didn't know she already said yes but it was finally time to present it to her. Since she had been gone...every day I look at pictures of her and us. I would wait patiently throughout the day to hear from her. Every ding from my phone I hoped it would be her. Let down when it was a client or my mom or dad or something. Smiling when it was finally her. FaceTime between our phones would never connect so she would use her sisters phone. We tried to speak on the phone but I can't hear very well as it is. All these days Ive waited to look into her eyes again. Waited to hear her voice. Waited to feel her heart beat. I've held onto the ring for months. Looking at it constantly and getting giddy like a kid. The guy with a scar across his forehead, who works his hands to the bone and been in and out jail was "giddy". A few times she would bring up "a ring" and I would say "soon, soon...I'm working on it". See, there were two plans I had. There was always a plan:

 

The first plan: I would either take a trip to FL and present it to her the moment I saw her waiting at the gate for me in the airport or we would arrange for her to finally come back up here and give it to her the moment I saw her. Either way, it was supposed to be the biggest surprise in her life.

 

August rolled around and texts began to dry up. I would get worried she was getting sicker or something. She would randomly say she hated FL and wanted to come back then wouldn't respond for days. Then she would tell me she missed me and loved me. A bit of relief then rinse, repeat. I would get sick to my stomach with worry and sorrow. Then, a week and a half ago, I found out from someone of facebook that she's been in a relationship since beginning of August with some dude she met down there. I was sick. She wouldn't answer me or respond back. I tried to talk to her sister but she didn't respond either. Finally, I got angry and texted her sister "Your sister refuses to answer me the least she can do is see that I always cared" and sent a picture of the ring. Way to ruin the surprise. Two days later I hear from my fiancé..."I miss you" were the first words. I fought between anger and sadness trying to find out what happened. We talked about it. She loved the ring. It was perfect. She hoped one day to wear it. I said she could she needed to end this relationship she started. She said two things: she needed more affection. She wanted someone to cuddle more with and to hold hands with when walking down the street. I can understand affection but I'm a provider. I'm worrying about a roof over our heads, the dog is going to the visit, that we're eating every day, that we're warm. She's concerned about hand holding. I didn't know what to say or think. Then she wanted me to promised to never drink again. That was a promise I cant, in good faith, make. All I could promise is to try my damnedest to not drink. I would never request a promise like that from her.

 

Regardless, we were beginning to repair things. The following day she texted me all day long. That evening, when she talked about the ring and the future, I told her to end things down there. I would be willing to forgive her. She says she will. I didn't hear from her and she texts me hours later saying its over. I was a little pissed about it still but finally got to ask my questions.

 

Why? Why did you cheat while I'm busting my ass up here?

 

Because you did...

 

I was blown away. Apparently, some dude whom Ive never met apparently saw some girl all over me and he told her so she went and got with a guy out of spit to know how it feels. What?? Ok, so the dude is the boyfriend of her old co-worker. We've never met. He doesn't know who I am. I couldn't fathom how he knows what I look like since I don't have Facebook and photos of me blasted all over the Internet. Anyway, I went out once this summer at the end of July. I don't go up to new random people and try to make friends so I hung around the few people I knew. A couple dudes I knew from kindergarten and an old buddy of mine. Well, old buddy was with his long time girlfriend. One dude was with some chick he met at the bar the night before. And me and third dude just there. So, only few people I spoke to all night. Not very social. Well, apparently this mystery spy conjured in his head I was doing dirty things. He's pretty recognizable in this small town...Macklemore hair, head to toe tattoos and gauges in his ear. Impossible to spot him. I never saw him that night. Well, he told her. A week later she's got a boyfriend. Meanwhile, I'm the dick sitting here looking at a ring every day making plans, as usual. She never said a word. And that's where I got angry with her. Not upset, angry. Because after all these years a simple lack of communication destroys everything. It hurts thinking she would believe that. It hurts that she wouldn't talk to me about it. Openness is what she wanted from me because I never used to speak about my past. Now, there is no common decency to even communicate. No respect? No dignity? Anyway, we finished talking that night...

 

The following morning she texts saying the dog was really sick and needed to go to the vet. She was worried, as was I did my best to comfort her and was saddened that I couldn't do much. She says "I can't lose Marley and her". Broke my heart to hear that. So, it's some tick disease, not Lymes, though. So, I headed out to work anxiously waiting to hear from her. Never did. Find out, again, from Facebook, she decided to stay with the kid. I got really upset. No responses. Nothing. It made me sick to my stomach. Heart had shattered again and the pieces were slowly tumbling down tearing my insides up. So, I was extremely upset. Angry in the beginning seeing that **** then more so when I, apparently, don't deserve a response, explanation, closure. I went to the store, got booze, got drunk and went to sleep.

 

I spoke with her sister the next day. I feel bad for the kid but she's the only voice of reason down there. I said I thought we were working on repairing things. I told her I learned in the past year and a half to fight for and provide for what I love.

 

"Then don't stop fighting" she said.

 

It's like I'm traveling down never ended roads and I'm lost. Every path I go down there is something blocking my way. I'm out of time with things. I always did everything I could. I always did these things for us.

 

I'm lost and I don't know what to do.

[beach]

Sorry about your gal.

 

She's a drug addict. You don't know her in an unaltered state.

 

Stop drinking yourself and get help.

 

Plan for goals and do what's right for you.

 

She's not a good influence on you. Try not to communicate with her. I know it will be hard but you need to take care of yourself. She needs to learn to take care of herself and learn to provide for herself.

 

Pray for her. I'll pray for you. Sober is a better way to have a happy life.

 

Get counseling to learn about how to cope better with your emotions. Getting drunk and numb isn't healthy. Face the emotions and work through them.

[Ecko08]

Yea I thought about after I posted not mentioning knowing her sober. There were periods throughout. The first few months I saw her smoke weed twice. She was straight in the beginning. For the most part Ive been sober. I was extremely pissed the other night and drank. I know it's not an excuse but it had been a month and a half. Prior to that was July and wanted to have some fun. I've been sleeping on a couch for 5 months and working constantly.

 

One of the last things she said to me was "I'm self destructive" and I told her I know. The thing is, in the past at least, I could always see the love in her eyes and knew it was in her heart despite the using. I haven't tried to contact her in a few days but I feel deserving of some sort of final conversation. She was a good influence. Made me a nicer and more open person...eventually. It took her a while but she dug through the stone.

 

Over the course of the past year and half so many things have changed in my mind and my heart. My mind is crystal clear. That's why I finally made the leap after so long. I've been broken down, mostly due to my own actions, but what important to me now is clear. I was younger it was sex, drugs, partying, drinking. I feel now more conscience-stricken, guilty of not always being all I could have been, and searching to make my own family. Mine is all but just about disappeared and moved away. It's probably because I'm not far from 30 and that worries me. There's other reasons that have gone UN-mentioned as I close in on that age that cause anxiety and worry.

 

I contacted my old counselor at outpatient about going back. Has nothing really to do with drinking its just cheaper than going to a therapist.

 

I appreciate your response. Really have no one to talk to until I get to have a session with my old counselor from outpatient.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are not good together. It has a become a toxic, codependent relationship rather than a loving, nurturing one. Because you both have addiction issues, you're fueling rather than extinguishing the problems. You cannot help her maintain her sobriety when you're unable to do so yourself. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but it's the reality of this situation.

 

As someone else mentioned, you don't really know her in her sober state. You've built a relationship on unstable ground, so it's extremely susceptible to cracks and damage. Kudos to you for recognizing your own struggles and contacting a counselor about it. I think in the long-term, a relationship with her - much less a marriage - isn't very feasible. Good luck to you on your path to health and wellness, OP.

[Ecko08]

I should've added that prior to her leaving for FL we both hadn't done anything for 6 months. Since she departed in April I drank 3 times. Twice, socially like a normal person would and only once last week with the intention to get drunk. I have no desire for all that. Like I said, my mind is crystal. I don't know about her since being down there. I had asked her occasionally but who could ever know the truth except her. I know she stopped going to her doctors for her kidneys so that's probably a sign. Throughout the years there were periods of clarity on both parts and in the beginning when I met her she was straight but I do suppose over the whole course of time her sober state really is unknown.

[ja123]

This is a huge upset for you, and I'm sorry that you're hurting so much.

 

 

It sounds that you probably received some love and affection from her that you didn't get when you were a kid.

 

 

Also, it sounds like she gave you a purpose in life, even if it was working hard and providing so you could help with her kidney operation.

 

 

You might be frightened that you won't receive love again with someone else.

 

 

But you can and will!

 

 

Come here and post.

 

 

Go back to AA, even if you are not drinking. Tell them how you are feeling, I'm sure they will understand.

 

 

You need to be around supportive people right now.

 

 

Exercise. Perhaps join an exercise class where you can be around people.

 

 

Get out as much as you can, even if it's just to sit in a café and look at a magazine with pictures. Just don't stay alone.

 

 

If you need some anti-depressants and/or anxiety medication to help you through this, then see your doctor, a.s.a.p. Don't let it slide. Just go to your doctor, even if it's not for meds, just to establish some contact and build a network of support.

 

 

These this could help you heal and prevent you from relapsing.

 

 

Take time for yourself and do healthy things that bring some happiness, comfort, security, and sense of stability.

 

 

Hang in there!!

 

 

We've all been through pain and breakups. You are not alone! It gets better with time, but sometimes the only way out is through!

[Ecko08]

All we as humans do in our lifetime is search for love. We're at this point in society where we find that for a few years then start all over again with someone new. And again. And so forth. Whatever happened to a true love. I believe for some that still exists. I had relationships, one nighters, flings. I was tired of all that. I knew a long time ago all my life needed was some sense of purpose, not just for myself but for someone else.

 

Yea, maybe I did find love that was absent when I was growing up. That very well could be it. But I had this sense of responsibility and passion for taking care of these living beings.

 

What I fear is starting all over again, y'know? I couldn't face the same situation another 6 years down the road. The unknown scares a lot of people. I know what is in my heart and, unfortunately, doesn't just go away in such a brief amount of time.

 

I rack my brain every day zinging millions of thoughts back and forth of what I could do. I am just learning about NC (had to look it up lol) but deep down I don't feel that's the way to go for me. I'm fighting inside myself on how to approach the situation which is the cause of much anxiety. I mentioned before she is sick and I always worried about her well being. It killed me to see her sick and in pain. Granted, I didn't always show it. Perhaps I could've been more affectionate. Those are things from the past that I cannot change but it's always been in my heart and my mind. Day in, day out, those things don't disappear.

 

I hadn't told her I had gotten sick in the past couple months which is why, before any of this BS happened, I wanted to finally make things really official and surprise her with the ring. Neither of us will have the amount of time on this Earth that the average person will. It's just how it is and a reason why it was so important and why this feels so devastating.

[beach]

You two were a volatile combination.

 

It wasn't that long. I was married 23 years. You can find love with someone new.

 

Choose a healthy person. Like energy attracts... So you're likely to find a healthier person if you get yourself in a better mindset.

 

Go to AA meetings and do all the step work with a sponsor. You need to learn how to be happy about change.

 

I can help you improve and it's free. Hopefully then you can make time to help others too.

[Ecko08]

It may not have been that long in your eyes but, for me, it was. Before I had met her I ran through girls, mostly one night stands, fwb, and just messing around, only a couple actual relationships prior to her. I've been focused on expanding my business and feel that I don't have the time to go out and meet someone, if that makes sense. It's more of the fact I really don't have any desire to. I'm just too tired to go through all those ups and downs and pain again. I should not there are many, many, maaaany things not included in my OP. As I said previously, I feel like I'm running out of time to build my life. There's so many people from back in the day at school with their lives already well established while Ive busted my ass for years and have gone...nowhere.

 

I dropped AA because I just can't stand the ones around where I live. The outpatient program said I could go back but I don't think I'm really at that much of a risk to go in a downward spiral again. I'm fed up with boozing. Outpatient is cheaper than a therapist which is why I wanted to go back. Just someone to talk to.

[beach]

Don't go to meetings then. Just find a sponsor and work your steps- it's for you. And then help others.

 

Don't compare your life to others, that's not healthy.

 

That life with the ex was filled with drugs and alcohol - that will always look like ups and downs.

 

Life won't look that way with a normal person - but beware. - it may feel boring until you adjust - then it will be heaven.

 

Work on it - keep moving forward, it's worth it!!!