pinkiepie22 Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Stupid, right? Here's the thing. I was with this guy for 3 years. He made me feel like I was the prettiest and smartest and most unique and also the ugliest and stupidest and most common person ever. Love sucks! We broke up and he moved on, pretty quickly, but I didn't. His girlfriend after me was I guess you can say conventionally attractive. I would not call myself that at all. I do not think I am ugly or unattractive exactly...but. I am not in the conventionally attractive range. I can admit that. So I felt pretty bad when I saw that, on the surface at least, it appeared he had "upgraded". Granted, comparing myself to her I'm not always so sure she's just better but it's hard for something like that not to smart a little bit. And I wonder if it's more in how she presents herself than it is just physical traits. But I am also a crazy person so who knows. Well it's been a awhile. They broke up. I mostly moved on even though I have not been in love with anyone since him or dated anyone seriously. But I think part of why I am so hung up on comparing myself to this girl is because he made her seem so much better than me. He made a few offhand comments when we'd hang out (well after we broke up) like "I only go after girls who are out of my league now." or "Her ex boyfriend was way more attractive than me." Or that she said one day to him "Oh you only like dating me because you want to have a cute girlfriend." ' In other words, I was on his level and she was somehow beyond it, and they both apparently agreed on this? (And for some reason he decides to tell me about it in an offhand way) I have looked at her Facebook and I even saw a picture of her ex boyfriend. He just looked like a guy. She just looked like a girl. I wouldn't even call that guy particularly attractive. Just...average, you know? Anyway, sometimes I still look at her Facebook. And the guy she's moved on from my ex with is pretty attractive. Sexy. From what I can tell. And it's so silly but it bothers me. And it bothers me that it still kind of hurts my feelings how he made me feel like she was so much better and how I've managed to exacerbate that feeling by continuing to compare myself to her. I do want to believe that I am just as good or just as pretty as her but maybe I'm just not. I've had some flings with some cute guys but I've not dated anyone that looks like her new beau! And that doesn't help my self esteem much because it seems to just reiterate that what they both said about me is true. In the dating world, you see regular guys with beautiful women all the time. You don't see the opposite so often. I can sleep with beautiful men. But would a beautiful man ever date me? I know beauty is only skin deep. But I'm hashing out my shallow thoughts to strangers right now. Maybe it's just because I really want someone who meant so much to me once to consider me out of his league, especially considering I've rejected every opportunity he has taken to try to get me to go back out with him. I would never do that but what he thinks still matters to me. And I want him to think I'm just as good as her. And also I know he isn't really over her and it will bother me a little bit if he starts trying to talk to her again. But not too much, I guess. I guess I should add that when we were together he did a similar thing with his ex before me. He made her out to be so much better than me. I even remember in one of our fights he actually admitted that he had done that so I didn't feel quite so crazy. But I got obsessively jealous and compared myself to his ex while we were together. It was a horrible feeling. Years later looking back on that I feel badly for the way I talked about his ex and the way I thought about her. Now I'm just like, yea she's a cute girl but she's not better than me. Because his other ex also dated very cute guys after The Ex in Question! Out of all these guys HE is actually the one who isn't all that attractive! I guess I'm hoping this is just a really crappy phase that will eventually go away. Thanks for reading. I'll add that I know love isn't about beauty but this is just a Thing that really bothers me and makes me feel bad about myself. Maybe some of you can relate?
Got it Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Why are you allowing other's to define your self worth? You are not a sum of his approval, you know that right? What do you think about yourself absence of any other's opinion? How do you define yourself?
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 OK so you have self issues... while you get over them, try to look at it as, I am not her. If she was better than me, then I would not be here with him. When visually comparing all you are doing is trying to pick at yourself. Wanting to be something that you are not, takes your natural beauty and cheapens it. Be happy to who you are first, and realize what you are is special in its own way. If every woman could look like a model I'd be furious as there would be no variety. Be happy you are who you are, as if you weren't you would not have your man. That simple.
Author pinkiepie22 Posted September 23, 2014 Author Posted September 23, 2014 Why are you allowing other's to define your self worth? You are not a sum of his approval, you know that right? What do you think about yourself absence of any other's opinion? How do you define yourself? I don't know why I'm doing it exactly. I think it's a normal even if unhealthy thing to do. I get validation from other people. And I know I should get it from myself and sometimes it works. Usually I think that I'm pretty, even in an unconventional way which is kind of cool, but I also think that I see myself how I want to see myself and not necessarily how I actually am. If I were so great you'd think I'd have attractive men beating down my doorstep. They're easy enough to have sex with, sure. But seriously date? Who me? OK so you have self issues... while you get over them, try to look at it as, I am not her. If she was better than me, then I would not be here with him. Haha, thank you for your response but maybe I wasn't clear. He broke up with me and moved on to her. She broke up with him and moved on to someone more attractive than him. I could get back together with him if I really wanted to get back together with someone emotionally manipulative, abusive, and prone to cheat, but no thank you!
whichwayisup Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 I think it's a normal even if unhealthy thing to do. I get validation from other people. To a point, yes but if you are googling and facebook stalking ex's ex or stuff just about your ex, then you need to stop as it's doing harm to yourself. You DO NOT need validation from anybody. Maybe that realization comes with age and experience, not caring what others think but you need to learn and make yourself not care anymore. Live your life for you, don't compare yourself to anybody or let the past haunt you.
MissBee Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Stop hanging with your ex I say. He sounds like an awful person who is manipulative and shallow and tries to play you and the other women he dates against each other and against silly notions of leagues and so on. There will always be someone prettier than you but prettier doesn't at all equate to "better", as physical appearance isn't the sum of a person. Stop looking at your ex's ex FB or who she's dating. I think you're really doing yourself a disservice here with that as there is no point to it. At the end of the day, you can't look to your EX BOYFRIEND or your EX's EX GIRLFRIEND to define how you think of yourself. Makes no sense to do so. Cut ties with him and live your life and try to embrace your own beauty and be around others who do as well instead of hanging on to a "friendship" with your awful ex who all he does is make you feel bad about yourself.
me85 Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 (edited) Like others have said, please stop hanging out with your ex. He is detrimental to your well being. Clearly. You should practice ways of loving yourself and not looking backwards but forwards, instead. Obviously all women can relate to you on some level when it comes to not feeling as pretty as another girl or "good enough" for some men. Your ex and the girl he started seeing after you broke up. She is a complete stranger to you and your ex has no concern for you what so ever. It would be different if you were entirely over him and not bothered by anything he has done since you, but you're not over him. And it might even be alright to occasionally meet up with him every blue moon for a quick catch up if he didn't say hurtful things to you...which btw, is just plain mean and uncalled for. He sounds like a real self absorbed jerk. I'm sorry, but he does. It's one thing for exes who understand they don't belong together as a couple but are still great at being friends and they want to remain in each other's lives...but when that happens, there should be a respect between the two. Because friends respect each other and shouldn't hurt each other deliberately. Him telling you all those things was a deliberate attempt to hurt your feelings. Do any and everything possible to stop obsessing over your ex and his exes. Please. It isn't going to help you. Edited September 23, 2014 by me85
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