Elizabeth1930 Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Looking for some advice as I'm just starting to date again after happily getting out of a 10 year relationship. I met a great guy online and started dating about 5 weeks ago. He's kind, respectful, opens doors, talks about things he'd like to do as a couple in the future, etc. When we're together, I feel safe and happy. Although I offer, he never lets me pay for anything. I'm in my late 30's and he's in his early 40's. We haven't had sex as he says he wants to wait until we know each other better. Doesn't want those emotions clouding things while we build an initial relationship. We've been closely intimate in other ways, though. My concern at this point is frequency of texting and how often we see each other. I'm a texter and he's not. I may send two or three a day, but it takes him hours to respond. (He's not much for social media in general). I'm also the one that suggests when to hang out, go eat, etc. he never once objected, though. We see each other about twice a week. I'm not someone who likes to talk on the phone. Am I just overreacting about the texting part? Do guys not always take the lead on when to hang out? I really like this guy and don't want to overreact and screw things up.
mantlefan Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 I don't like texting. It can lead to a lot of miscommunication. And if he's in his 40's there's a solid chance it is really burdensome and slow for him.
Mister Zen Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Texting and who initiates? These are your top priorities in a relationship?
BlueIris Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 I don't like texting either, for the reasons given above. So you don't like talking on the phone he doesn't like texting. Something's gotta give. About his not initiating plans, personally that would be a huge problem for me as I have to be with a man who leads and initiates, but it definitely isn't a problem for LOTS of people. So, if I were you I'd find out if he can or wants to lead and initiate sometimes by asking him directly, and once you know what his style is, decide if it works for you. 2
Fondue Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Men aren't as social as women. We're not dependent on communication as much and are satisfied with more limited talk then that of a lady. 3
BluEyeL Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Stop with the texting, you might become a bit annoying for him. Also, let him initiate some of your get togethers. Some men don't feel the need the fill the silence between dates with constant chatter. I read somewhere that while we fall in love in a man's presence, they fall in love in our absence. I think there is a lot of truth in that. 3
Arieswoman Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Personally I hate texting, as I find it very impersonal. If a guy couldn't be bothered to 'phone me properly then I had no time for him. Maybe I'm just a BOF.
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Make an effort to meet half way... talk time / txting. Since he is slow at txts, you may just do simple txts that don't need expediency. I think talking is the best form of convo, as you get details that txts hide. I learned by LDR method, that the only way to txt is to make sure you show emotion not only by smileys but how you describe your feelings and thoughts. Even good txt'ers fail at truly showing and sharing emotion to be fully understood. Hearing it shows how interested and delighted you are, let alone all the not so good stuff as well. Not that the not so good stuff is bad, but to hear pain, and emotional feelings and feel connected. I am not an internet social type, and find it a challenge to understand its concept let alone feel happy with privacy. I like my peeps to contact me and be part of my life, not be away from it. Again, I have to accept such things in my LDR, as it is the only means to stay connected. I guess I will never understand why peeps tend to be so connected by something so material, when the person they are connecting with is close by. Ah, I just realized. Older peeps like free time that is not interrupted by having to check messages. I think that is it in a nutshell.
Sunfire73 Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 If he has a job and is busy during the day, then texting is annoying. He would feel that you're clingy or too needy. Also why not be open to phone calls as well? You can do that at night. Let him make the move to plan things, and if he doesn't then ask yourself if it's okay that you always take the lead on this one. Maybe he is a low-key kind of guy and just want to be with you. He goes with your plans anyway, and pays for it. It's up to you. 2
Standard-Fare Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Agree that you should just accept that he's not into texting, and not hold that against him. (To me that's actually a positive thing...) As far as him not initiating... if you feel comfortable enough, maybe should address that directly. I once had to tell a boyfriend, "It gets boring that I'm always the one in charge of our plans. We need to take turns." He took note of that and improved. 2
Crila16 Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 From my friends and my personal dating experience, my friends and I have a thing. When we're dating a guy who talks about future and doing things together as a couple...you have to ignore it. That doesn't mean that he thinks of you as a serious relationship, he's just talking and take it as that. DO NOT read into it. These are usually the guys that end up running away. I just find when a guy really likes you, they ask you out. I have a guy friend who hates...absolutely hates social media. Doesn't have a facebook. Doesn't own a computer. Welll..He's in love with me, and all my friends and I know it. He's your typical guys guys. Doesn't know how to be just friends with a girl. I'm the only one he'll txt back within the minute I txt him. Everyone else...he takes hours to get back to. When they're trying to get in touch with him, they always call me to txt him. When a guy is into a girl...the highlight of their day is hearing from her (it's no different for a woman)...no matter in what way shape or form. It's really simple. You seem to be the pursuer, which is fine if you're ok with it. I think this guy really likes you as a person, and there's a degree of attraction, but he's not totally into you. I'm all about the F yes or the F no thing. No grey areas. Either it's there or it's not. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 You are over reacting about the texting. If you think he's not initiating enough, back off. Give him some time. If you are always rushing in there he doesn't have a chance to initiate because you have already jumped the gun. If he doesn't step to the plate he may not be that into you. 2
FitChick Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Any guy waiting for me to reply to a text will have a long wait. He'd have to call or email me to tell me to read the text! 1
angel.eyes Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 Actions speak louder than words, especially when they're at odds with each other. Sure he's talking about future plans with you, but so far he isn't really following through and executing on these, is he? I wouldn't worry about the details, i.e. whether he texts or calls...just that he initiates contact of some sort. Is he trying to keep the connection alive? Does he really want to see you? (...not just verbal blather but actual effort to make things happen.) If you wouldn't see or hear from him if you didn't initiate, then sorry, he's not really interested. In that scenario, he's treading water since you've made it easy. He'll disappear when someone who excites him comes along. So give him some space to initiate the next date. He'll either step up, or not. Either way, you'll have your answer in a couple of weeks.
dragonfire13 Posted September 23, 2014 Posted September 23, 2014 I used to be like you - never much for phone conversations, more of a texter. Now I find texting way too much effort and would just rather call someone. Maybe he's the same. Some people just do not like texting. If you're that worried that you're initiating a lot of the contact, plans etc. why not just leave it for a while and let him come to you? Try the whole "respond, but don't initiate" approach.
Author Elizabeth1930 Posted September 24, 2014 Author Posted September 24, 2014 Thanks for everyone's input and advice. I'm now realizing how texting just isn't everyone's preference. Interestingly, he sent a long text today to let me know about how his day was going without me even asking. Since I feel comfortable in asking, I'm just going to share my thoughts/concerns about me being the one who initiates our dates. He's very, very low key and an introvert, so I'm betting that may have something to do with it. I'm much more outgoing.
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