His lateness is bothersome. How would others react?

[headheldhigh14]

So, I started seeing this guy a couple months ago. He's an old friend from university. He is separated and has children who he has alternating weeks. It's going great. We have lots of fun and really enjoy each others company. We have the same sense of humour and have a lot in common. We have been spending almost all our free time together. We hang out at his house and I have been sleeping over everynight he doesn't have his children.

 

There have been some incidents that have bothered me and i wonder how others would feel.

 

The first: we made plans to go away one weekend in the first month of dating. We were leaving Saturday morning. We agreed I'd sleep at his house the night before. I told him I'd be at his house by 9:30pm. I ran late at work and still had to go get my things from my house. I knew I'd be late and called him to let him know I'd be there around 10pm. I show up at 10pm and he's just hanging out watching tv. But he is very upset. He was cold and distant for at least a couple hours until I couldn't take it anymore. I ask what's wrong and he tells me its because I was late. I was upset that he went cold on me and didn't tell me what was wrong. I apologized for being late and understood his expectations with punctuality.

 

The second: a couple weeks later he told me he would be going golfing with his friend one night after work. That night arrives and he tells me to meet him at his house after golf. He was supposed to have his kids and I didn't know what he was doing with them if he was golfing. He never told me. but he told me to be at his house at 9pm and that he would be home by then. I show up at 9. He's not home. I walk in on a babysitter and am a bit surprised cause I wasn't expecting it. I text him asking when he'd be home. He said soon. He comes home 45 minutes later. I was upset that he wasnt home when he said he would be. I felt like me and my time aren't important to him. He explained why he was late, and I understood. he said his friend drove there and his friend was trying to make a business deal with the owners of the golf club, so him getting home was dependent on his friend. He was upset that I was upset with him. he said he didn't understand why I was upset. he thought I had issue with him being with his friend. I was totally supportive of him being with is friend.

 

The third: we had come home from another weekend away, and went to my place first to unpack my things. While I was unpacking, he came to me and said he was going home and to let him know when I'd be done and he'd come get me. (my car was at his house) So I guess he didn't want to hang around til I was done.

 

 

The fourth: recently, after work we both go golfing with our respective friends at different golf courses. We agree that I will meet him at his house afterward. When I finish, I text him telling him I'm done. He says he's done too and will be home shortly. I get to his house 10 minutes later. He doesn't come home for another hour. He said he was having drinks with his friend. When he said shortly, I thought he meant 10 minutes not an hour. I was upset but didn't want to make a big deal of it because of how upset he was last time he was later getting home from golf.

 

How would other fellow loveshack posters feel or react to this when dating someone?

Edited September 23, 2014 by headheldhigh14

[FitChick]

Don't date separated men.

[headheldhigh14]

Why do you say that?

[Jules Dash]

He has to respect your time. When I am dating, I expect women to be late. It is a part of dating so I don't let it rattle me much. If it got to be a problem, I would address it in a light-hearted manner but a firm light-heart manner to get my point across while avoiding conversation.

 

What I usually say is: "Next time, I am docking you 20 bucks for every 5 minutes you are late!" Or something like "you are paying for dinner, desert and drinks for the whole establishment if you are late." Once it is time to pay at the date or something, I would firmly insist on them doing the above and make a big deal about it but joking on the inside. They usually get the message quick.

 

I only say the smart ass stuff if it really gets to be a problem but, again, I don't trip on 20 or 30 minutes of being late. I expect them to be late.

[Versacehottie]

it feels like a power struggle. on your part, find a rational way to compromise and if he is still being unreasonable, I may think about letting him go.

 

That's not because of the lateness it's because of the power struggle. Some one who always fights you to win and be on top is not going to make you feel good after a while. And you are both already digging your heels in.

 

If it truly is about his lateness, see if that one issue is worth throwing away a good person who otherwise treats you well. "otherwise treats you well" is the debatable part. Some people are sticklers for punctuality and it does show some level of respect/respect for your time and whether or not a person is selfish. Some people are just disorganized and can't make it to places on time. I do think when his kids or other social activities are involved he is trying to stand his ground with you and make sure you're not dictating his life. Fair enough, to an extent. But then why the pouting and moodiness when you are late? That seems unreasonable in context of you being at work and his lateness.

 

I pretty much agree with the beware of separated people comment. Maybe this guy is playing out unresolved issues on you--not to mention you are taking a big risk to get involved with someone at this stage, whereas perhaps he is investing in you much differently. Good luck

[2sunny]

How would I feel?

 

I would feel disrespected. I would feel he was controlling. Evasive with not giving firm time allotments about what "soon" and "shortly" really mean.

 

I would feel he has anger issues and doesn't communicate well when angered. His inability to say what's on his mind calmly and talk it through would turn me off completely.

 

I'd also be wondering if he was narcissistic given that he wants to blame you, doesn't have his kids very often and hires a babysitter when HE is supposed to spend time with them.

 

 

He's separated. It's never a great choice to date a man who doesn't have his divorced finalized.

 

What was the reason he is divorcing? Have you met his wife yet?

[aussietigerwolf]

I personally would next this guy as the last thing I will put up with is disrespect and I would find the way you are being treated disrespectful. You told him when you knew you were going to be late and he acts like you've done something horrible but yet its ok if he's late? He even expects you to go over to his house and wait for his return without EVEN giving you a time he will be there??? Its control and disrespect...

[Supernatural]

How would I feel?

 

I would feel disrespected. I would feel he was controlling. Evasive with not giving firm time allotments about what "soon" and "shortly" really mean.

 

I would feel he has anger issues and doesn't communicate well when angered. His inability to say what's on his mind calmly and talk it through would turn me off completely.

 

This is really really accurate.

 

I have a guy friend and he does exactly the same thing. He is ALWAYS late. anywhere from 45 mins up to 2 hours. It's exhausting. And when I meet him at his place, it takes us literally an hour and a half to walk out the door for a drink somewhere. It's always about him. There is no freedom or fun.

 

He is really manipulative, controlling, very quick to anger - even with women. If he gets really angry he will smash or yell something then sit there dead silent. It's really fvvcked.

 

It's really disrespectful because it always feels like he thinks his time is much more valuable than mine. Like my time is not worth anything and it's about him. He's really selfish and he has always been this way and is getting worse.

 

I would let this dude go. Someone who is constantly late is super annoying and will only get worse.

[quidproquo89]

It seems to me he doesn't understand that it works both ways. If he is angry at you for being late then you in return should be angry when he is.

 

Besides I didn't like that bit. Why should he be angry when you rang him to tell him. If I called you and said I'll be an hour late. That then isn't being late because I rang and told you.

 

Sounds like he doesn't respect your time. I think you need to be firm with him and tell him your time is important and he needs to respect that.

 

I felt annoyed; for you, just reading that.

 

Don't take crap from him in good humour, respect yourself

[Mike B.]

This is really really accurate.

 

I have a guy friend and he does exactly the same thing. He is ALWAYS late. anywhere from 45 mins up to 2 hours. It's exhausting. And when I meet him at his place, it takes us literally an hour and a half to walk out the door for a drink somewhere. It's always about him. There is no freedom or fun.

 

He is really manipulative, controlling, very quick to anger - even with women. If he gets really angry he will smash or yell something then sit there dead silent. It's really fvvcked.

 

It's really disrespectful because it always feels like he thinks his time is much more valuable than mine. Like my time is not worth anything and it's about him. He's really selfish and he has always been this way and is getting worse.

 

I would let this dude go. Someone who is constantly late is super annoying and will only get worse.

 

 

Why is this guy your friend?

[Fondue]

Don't date separated men.

I guess it only makes sense to suggest not to date separated women, too? Or is this just a one way street?

 

As far as the OP, the guy needs to calm down. If he continues to do this (one more time?), I would suggest getting rid of him. That's not the kind of behavior you should put up off consistently.

[GorillaTheater]

There are several posts here which discuss this guy disrespecting you, and that may be true but I don't think that can be assumed.

 

I'm anal about being on time. I'm the guy who shows up for everything 15 minutes early, and while that's helpful in my professional life, it really doesn't amount to much in my personal life except as a source of unnecessary frustration.

 

My wife is rarely on time for anything. She's going to be late for her own funeral. She just doesn't place a priority on timeliness, and in being late she's not disrespecting me. It's just how she is, and it's just another reason why she'll probably outlive me.

 

So it's more of a compatibility issue. I just roll my eyes and deal when it comes to going anywhere with my wife, but if it's a bigger issue with you, move on.

[Gaeta]

If he had been waiting for you 30 minutes while standing under freezing rain, wind, and lighting THEN I can understand being frustrated BUT being upset with you because you got to his house at 10 instead of 9:30, just because, screams control freak.

 

I would have a conversation with him about how I have NO intention of living a life with a man that is sweating the small stuffs. Sh.!t happens and if he is like this with every little sh.!tty things life throws at you you're not gonna make it as a couple.

[Standard-Fare]

Honestly it sounds like you guys are making a big deal out of nothing.

 

The incidents you describe are ones where there's no particular time crunch or urgency. It's not like you're missing planned events because you're too late, or leaving each other abandoned at the airport or something.

 

You both should be able to just relax and take it in stride when the other one is running a little late due to valid reasons. Particularly when you can just hang out comfortably in the meantime. Long-term couples can't/don't stress out about this stuff.

 

Maybe you need to get a little looser with your timeframes, and start saying things like "I should be home sometime between 8 and 10 p.m. but not sure exactly when." Or maybe the better policy is to be in touch only AFTER the first person has arrived at the destination, so the second party can react accordingly at that point.

 

The issue with you feeling uncomfortable with the babysitter/kids... I think you need to figure out how to make yourself more at ease in those types of situations, if indeed you want to get serious with this man.

[Arieswoman]

Headheldhigh14,

I agree with other posters on here, it's a mistake to date a man who is separated. If he hasn't cut that final tie then there is still the possibility that he would go back to his wife (I would say the same about separated women too, so I'm not being sexist here).

 

I did just the same thing with two guys who both swore blind that their marriages were over, and they were just waiting for the paperwork to be finalised. The first guy was still sleeping with his wife unbeknown to me, and the second guy went back to his wife. I never did it a third time !

 

I also agree that there are other issues going on here. From what you say you behaved perfectly reasonably and I think you are being disrespected.

 

If a person is habitually late, what they are saying is, ( whether they are aware of it or not) is that "my time is more important with yours". So, with that in mind, do you really want to continue seeing this guy?

[headheldhigh14]

I do think when his kids or other social activities are involved he is trying to stand his ground with you and make sure you're not dictating his life. Fair enough, to an extent. But then why the pouting and moodiness when you are late? That seems unreasonable in context of you being at work and his lateness.

 

I pretty much agree with the beware of separated people comment. Maybe this guy is playing out unresolved issues on you--not to mention you are taking a big risk to get involved with someone at this stage, whereas perhaps he is investing in you much differently.

 

Yes! I think he has concerns about standing firm regarding his social life. I completely support his social life and think its important we both make time for our own activities and friends. But I hope he would do so while still respecting me.

 

Yes, he does have unresolved issues from his marriage and his parents. Thanks.

[headheldhigh14]

Evasive with not giving firm time allotments about what "soon" and "shortly" really mean.

 

I would feel he has anger issues and doesn't communicate well when angered. His inability to say what's on his mind calmly and talk it through ....

 

...and hires a babysitter when HE is supposed to spend time with them.

 

 

What was the reason he is divorcing? Have you met his wife yet?

 

 

yes, I often find he is vague and ambiguous with me sometimes. I feel left in the dark sometimes.

 

Yes, I believe he has anger issues. I've seen him lose it once when his exw called him during his time with me. And he doesn't speak highly of her. He also had issues with his mother. She passed away a few years ago and he never resolved those issues before she died. He has a huge emotional wound and gets very upset (angry, sad), so I never bring her up or ask questions.

 

I haven't met his wife yet. He said they divorced because he was very unhappy in the marriage since his mom became sick. He felt unsupported by his wife. He felt unloved by her. She was cold and unemotional. He often dreamt of running away from her and all of it.

[headheldhigh14]

He even expects you to go over to his house and wait for his return without EVEN giving you a time he will be there??? Its control and disrespect...

 

Yes, I feel he's double standard. Almost juvenile. I do sometimes feel he's controlling. Thanks for validating how I feel.

[headheldhigh14]

It seems to me he doesn't understand that it works both ways. If he is angry at you for being late then you in return should be angry when he is.

 

Don't take crap from him in good humour, respect yourself

 

Thanks! Yah, I'm beginning to think he doesn't have enough maturity to be in a relationship.

 

I certainly will respect myself. I will tell him its unacceptable and if he does it again, I will just go home and not go back.

[headheldhigh14]

There are several posts here which discuss this guy disrespecting you, and that may be true but I don't think that can be assumed.

 

I'm anal about being on time. I'm the guy who shows up for everything 15 minutes early, and while that's helpful in my professional life, it really doesn't amount to much in my personal life except as a source of unnecessary frustration.

 

My wife is rarely on time for anything. She's going to be late for her own funeral. She just doesn't place a priority on timeliness, and in being late she's not disrespecting me. It's just how she is, and it's just another reason why she'll probably outlive me.

 

So it's more of a compatibility issue. I just roll my eyes and deal when it comes to going anywhere with my wife, but if it's a bigger issue with you, move on.

 

I understand what you are saying. I am like your wife, but if its important to my friends, family or SO and they've told me, I make an effort. Also, because he is double standard about it, and goes cold on me, that is not ok.

 

For example, the last incident when we both had golf and he showed up an hour late, I wanted to go to my place and get some clean clothes for work the next morning. But I didn't want to leave and have him come home and I'm not there. Especially when I texted him that I was going to his house and because he had that issue with me being late. So I didn't go to my place and get my clothes. I waited for him instead. Then he is an hour late anyway.

 

He won't accept being disrespected by me. I think I need to make it clear that I won't accept it from him either. Or else I fear he will think its ok to disrespect me in other ways.

 

Thanks.

[rana-rana]

So, I started seeing this guy a couple months ago. He's an old friend from university. He is separated and has children who he has alternating weeks. It's going great. We have lots of fun and really enjoy each others company. We have the same sense of humour and have a lot in common. We have been spending almost all our free time together. We hang out at his house and I have been sleeping over everynight he doesn't have his children.

 

There have been some incidents that have bothered me and i wonder how others would feel.

 

The first: we made plans to go away one weekend in the first month of dating. We were leaving Saturday morning. We agreed I'd sleep at his house the night before. I told him I'd be at his house by 9:30pm. I ran late at work and still had to go get my things from my house. I knew I'd be late and called him to let him know I'd be there around 10pm. I show up at 10pm and he's just hanging out watching tv. But he is very upset. He was cold and distant for at least a couple hours until I couldn't take it anymore. I ask what's wrong and he tells me its because I was late. I was upset that he went cold on me and didn't tell me what was wrong. I apologized for being late and understood his expectations with punctuality.

 

The second: a couple weeks later he told me he would be going golfing with his friend one night after work. That night arrives and he tells me to meet him at his house after golf. He was supposed to have his kids and I didn't know what he was doing with them if he was golfing. He never told me. but he told me to be at his house at 9pm and that he would be home by then. I show up at 9. He's not home. I walk in on a babysitter and am a bit surprised cause I wasn't expecting it. I text him asking when he'd be home. He said soon. He comes home 45 minutes later. I was upset that he wasnt home when he said he would be. I felt like me and my time aren't important to him. He explained why he was late, and I understood. he said his friend drove there and his friend was trying to make a business deal with the owners of the golf club, so him getting home was dependent on his friend. He was upset that I was upset with him. he said he didn't understand why I was upset. he thought I had issue with him being with his friend. I was totally supportive of him being with is friend.

 

The third: we had come home from another weekend away, and went to my place first to unpack my things. While I was unpacking, he came to me and said he was going home and to let him know when I'd be done and he'd come get me. (my car was at his house) So I guess he didn't want to hang around til I was done.

 

 

The fourth: recently, after work we both go golfing with our respective friends at different golf courses. We agree that I will meet him at his house afterward. When I finish, I text him telling him I'm done. He says he's done too and will be home shortly. I get to his house 10 minutes later. He doesn't come home for another hour. He said he was having drinks with his friend. When he said shortly, I thought he meant 10 minutes not an hour. I was upset but didn't want to make a big deal of it because of how upset he was last time he was later getting home from golf.

 

How would other fellow loveshack posters feel or react to this when dating someone?

 

 

Hmm...depends on how u feeling him. I would let him know upfront if its bothering u so much. Don't get down on it bebe just talk to him about it.

[headheldhigh14]

If he had been waiting for you 30 minutes while standing under freezing rain, wind, and lighting THEN I can understand being frustrated BUT being upset with you because you got to his house at 10 instead of 9:30, just because, screams control freak.

 

I would have a conversation with him about how I have NO intention of living a life with a man that is sweating the small stuffs. Sh.!t happens and if he is like this with every little sh.!tty things life throws at you you're not gonna make it as a couple.

 

IDK why he was so upset about my lateness. He never really told me exactly why. I could assume that he wanted to get packed early that night because we had an early flight the next morning (6:30am).

[headheldhigh14]

Honestly it sounds like you guys are making a big deal out of nothing.

 

The incidents you describe are ones where there's no particular time crunch or urgency. It's not like you're missing planned events because you're too late, or leaving each other abandoned at the airport or something.

 

You both should be able to just relax and take it in stride when the other one is running a little late due to valid reasons. Particularly when you can just hang out comfortably in the meantime. Long-term couples can't/don't stress out about this stuff.

 

Maybe you need to get a little looser with your timeframes, and start saying things like "I should be home sometime between 8 and 10 p.m. but not sure exactly when." Or maybe the better policy is to be in touch only AFTER the first person has arrived at the destination, so the second party can react accordingly at that point.

 

The issue with you feeling uncomfortable with the babysitter/kids... I think you need to figure out how to make yourself more at ease in those types of situations, if indeed you want to get serious with this man.

 

Yes, I can understand if we are long term and yes, if we're just hanging out anyway, fine. But we aren't long term. And its about his integrity too and the double standard that bugs me the most. I feel like I'm being held to task but he can do it. Yes, I think I need to talk to him about what is comfortable for me. thanks.

 

I could care less about the sitter. I was just caught off guard. Wish he mentioned it.

[Crila16]

I think you're being a little over dramatic about the time thing. It's almost like you're looking for a problem. This is so minimal. I wish that was this issue in any of my relationships. 1 instance was your lateness, and he only had 2 instances of lateness (with a good explanation), plus what guy wants to sit around and wait for a girl to unpack, when his time is precious, just like you said yours is. He told you to call him when you were done.

 

As for dating a separated man...I personallly think it's a HUGE mistake. I met a guy this past weekend, who at first told me he was divorced. Come to find out...he's only separated, with 2 young kids. That means he's in rebound mode. I told him no...I don't need drama in my life. Doesn't matter if he hates his ex or not...You can only really hate someone if you ever really loved them. He needs time to be alone and mourn, just like your guy. Divorces are always messy...and you're going to be dragged into that drama...unless he decides 8 months down the road he needs to be alone or sew his wild oats.

[headheldhigh14]

There are several posts here which discuss this guy disrespecting you, and that may be true but I don't think that can be assumed.

 

I'm anal about being on time. I'm the guy who shows up for everything 15 minutes early, and while that's helpful in my professional life, it really doesn't amount to much in my personal life except as a source of unnecessary frustration.

 

My wife is rarely on time for anything. She's going to be late for her own funeral. She just doesn't place a priority on timeliness, and in being late she's not disrespecting me. It's just how she is, and it's just another reason why she'll probably outlive me.

 

So it's more of a compatibility issue. I just roll my eyes and deal when it comes to going anywhere with my wife, but if it's a bigger issue with you, move on.

 

He is always on time for other engagements, and has told me how important it is to be on time for people and work. Unfortunately, he doesn't feel that way when meeting with me. Obviously, which is what makes me upset.