Guy is "too busy" for a relationship

[Rosiebel]

Hey everyone,

 

So I was dating this guy for about two months. I'm 24, he's 22.

In the beginning, he pursued me and seemed super interested (after meeting somewhat briefly for the first time, he went out of his way to track me down again and get my number.) He would text me every day, coordinate dates several times a week(which he seemed insistent to make sure I know it's an "official date"- his words) he bought me gifts, told me how much he liked me and how beautiful he thought I was, and made me feel really special.

 

We started doing a lot of fun things together, museums, zoo, hiking, movies, restaurants, etc. After like our second or third date he asked me to be his girlfriend. I wasn't sure quite how I felt yet, so I said I liked him but I felt like we're still just getting to know each other at this point. He asked, "do you see this as a relationship kind of thing?" I said that yeah, I want to see where this goes and one day that's what I would want out of this. It was kind of awkward for me but I was very honest with him about how I have never had a boyfriend before, and pretty much no experience with guys (really, I'm very shy and a very late bloomer I guess. Never really even dated before this) so I said I want him to know I like him but that's why I would want to take things slow. He said that's totally fine with him and said that he was really excited about all this.

 

So I start to get the feeling that he's pretty inexperienced himself, but that was alright with me considering I am too. He would text me a lot of things I saw as kind of immature, like "I have a pretty big crush on you, what do you think about me?!?" Another time after he held my hand he texted me that he "was so nervous to hold my hand" and that he's "really nervous about kissing me." So he started to become more physically affectionate, like with cuddling and caressing every time I saw him, (we never slept together btw) But he hadn't kissed me yet, which I was starting to feel was weird and overdue. So next time I see him I made the move and kissed him goodnight, just a really simple kiss. The next time we saw each other after that when we were saying bye I was expecting him to do it, but no, just a hug. He texted me like usual right afterwards "I had a blast" and I'm like, me too, I was sort of hoping you might kiss me goodnight, what's your thoughts about that? And he said he wanted to but that I was "hard to read." and he wants to make sure that "I'm completely comfortable with him first" He wanted to know what I thought. I said if the moment feels right to you I would want you to go for it.

 

So the next time I saw him we're sitting on the couch and he leans his face right into mine but just stops there. I'm waiting for him but he's just hesitating. So I leaned in and kissed him and this time it was pretty nice and long and sweet, but I noticed he was totally following my lead and having me do everything. So later on we say goodbye, he pulls me really tight and this time he made the move. It was just a short goodnight kiss but it was sweet. He asks me if I'm free Tuesday, which I said yes. So Tuesday comes and I never hear from him about making plans to see each other. For probably the first time ever I initiated a text to him, just saying hi, what are you up to? and he's like, "nothing just hanging out with my roommates, you?" I didn't want to be all weird about it, but I was like "nothing, we should get together sometime soon if you want" and he's like, "yeah I'm down, just been stressed" He had just lost his job and I know he actually was pretty stressed about it, so I told him I'm sorry to hear he's stressed, I know it really sucks and to let me know how everything is going. But 3 more days goes by and I don't hear from him.

 

So then begins a long drawn out week of him taking days in between to reply to me, and this back and forth of him avoiding my contact and just saying he's just busy and cliche after cliche. (I'm starting to wonder if he actually somehow enjoyed dragging this out so long when he knew it was upsetting to me) So I asked him a few times if he's no longer interested I would just want to know the truth. Finally, after several more excuses I get a, "Right now I just need to focus completely on myself" and I'm like, what does that mean? and (2 days later)he replies, "I don't think I can be in a relationship with anyone right now, I have too much going on and too much to do :("

I was definitely pretty hurt by this, like he was the one who led me on to believe that he wanted to be with me and put the idea of a relationship in my head, to just drop me like I meant nothing. I get that he has a right to not want to be in a relationship, but I feel like he was being pretty self-absorbed and cold about it. I waited a few days and then sent one more text which I regret now. In it I pretty much actually apologized if I was being pushy earlier and just adding to his stress, but telling him I was confused. I just wanted to be sure if he meant he doesn't see this working out ever, or if he just needs some more time right now? And now it's been 7 days and that text has gone completely unreplied to.

 

I feel pretty hurt that he would just ignore me and couldn't just clarify it for me, but I guess his non-response was clear enough. It just hurts because I was really starting to like him a lot. He knew that it was hard for me to trust and open up to people because we had talked about that, and just as I was starting to do that with him he disappeared. I'm having a hard time dealing with feeling so disposable and also being kinda embarrassed for chasing after him in the end when its clear now he is not interested. I still don't really know what went wrong though. I honestly wonder if it's just a coincidence or if the kissing freaked him out somehow (?), or if it really is that his job situation is too much for him. I do know that he deals with anxiety issues. Part of me still wants to hear from him, the way he left things somewhat vague with the "right now's" (like he needs to focus on himself "right now" and can't be in a relationship "right now") makes me still have a slight bit of delusional hope. I do miss him... but then again I feel the way everything has been handled was pretty disrespectful.

[ExpatInItaly]

You're right, he could've handled it in a much more mature and respectful way. Taking days to reply isn't down to stress; that' s lack of interest and motivation. Try not to blame yourself for this, though. There could be 101 reasons why he's called time on this, which may have zero to do with you personally. I know that it's hurtful and frustrating. But you don't want to be with a guy who suddenly goes cold like that, either. Not bothering to be more up-front with you tells me he's not ready for a bigger commitment.

[mightycpa]

He means with you. He doesn't see it with you.

 

The good news is that his way of handling it tells you he would not have been mature enough to be a good boyfriend. You'd no doubt have a lot of communication problems and fights.