My girlfriend of 7 years "Doesn't love me as a partner"?(Updated, brokeup)

[BoiseRed89]

So the story is, I've been with this girl since we were both 18. We've been madly in love, never seperating and always being there for each other. However, things turned lately, 2 years ago she was diagnosed with cancer. She's been undergoing the treatments regularly (5 days a week) the whole time.

 

She began to become distant almost immediately. She moved out of our appartment when we had a huge fight, she hadn't told me and I found out she was moving in with another guy. I assumed she was cheating, but no, she was moving in with a friend in order to be closer to the hospital. we didn't speak for months after that because she threw me out of her life to protect me. The last few years have been getting better. I've improved myself and learned to deal with her outbursts and her issues. I usually wouldn't hear from her for days at a time, but I left flowers on her steps every time I could and brought her out any time she could manage.

 

Things were getting better, three months ago she was pronounced cancer free and began to tell me how much she loved me again. However, a month later she began to withdraw again. She posted an add on craigslist looking for another woman (she's bisexual). I'm in the military and I told her that would be alright so long as I was aware of it. I became mad she hadn't brought it up before and we fought about it. We began to get better again afew weeks after that. She even told me I was her favorite person and she could never love someone like she loved me.

My birthday came around however and I told her all I wanted was a day full of her, that's it. And instead, she offered me a chance to have sex with someone else as my present... I was upset obviously, but the chemo destroyed her sex drive and that was her reason for offering since it had been awhile since we'd been together like that. I gave her a week to decide if she was sure and she still was, so I did. She even asked me to describe it and used it to turn her on during our own sex.

two months passed again, and we had an AMAZING romantic night, and she set it all up for me, I finally thought I had my girlfriend back again, but as I was leaving I discovered a condom wrapper. She and I don't use them.

I became furious and told her it was over and stormed out. A week passed and she came back, barely apologetic over what she did. I begrudgingly agreed to forgive her, because four years ago, she forgave me for the same mistake.She even attempted to say we needed to stop seeing each other because she "Couldn't handle this right now" to which I said fine, but she called again and we worked it through.

About three weeks have passed since then. I was finally coming around to her again. I was planning a grande roadtrip for us to get her away from all her stresses when she cancels last minute and tells me she "didn't understand what I meant" in regards to the date we were leaving. I became upset and asked if she wanted to continue this with me at all, since she has begun to refuse to spend the night together, something I understood while she was on chemo. But now makes no sense.

She then began to break down and cry. I asked her what was so wrong, and she replied that she doesn't feel "tingly" anymore for me and sleeping with that guy was an attempt to get that feeling back, that failed and that a girl at work has been making her feel this way. I told her, I'm ok with her having affection for other people, so long as they're not men, so long as I was the most important. I asked if I was and she replied "I don't know" Enraged that all my struggle during chemo wasn't worth anything to her I left her and haven't spoken to her for a week. I'd give anything to have her back and I don't know what to do... I've been laying in bed tormented. I've never loved someone like I love her and she says she "loves me more than anyone, but not as a partner" I am planning on reopening communication in about 2 months, on her birthday to see if she's any better.

She specifically said before I hung up "I would like us to try this again later.... if something changes". I told her to try when she wants and I'll see how I feel, but for now, I want NOTHING to do with her. When I left I asked if she was ok, and she replied "No, my best friend is leaving..." Which tore me up, but I don't know what else to do anymore.

I'm not someone who loves easily, and this girl has been everything to me for my entire adult life. I've taken her across the country, helped her when her mom died, protected her from everything I could and supported her in every endevour she desired. I even bank rolled her to make her bands first professionally cut album, just to make sure she knew I supported her.

And it's all undone by someone she's known MAYBE a month and possibly has feelings for.

 

My aunt, a very odd person asked me, if I could be ok with her loving someone else, I think I can, so long as its a woman and I'm in the picture, but I'm so upset over how she did this... I want to blame her treatment, but I honestly can't tell anymore.

 

Any ideas?

Edited September 22, 2014 by BoiseRed89

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I don't have time to read as I am out...

 

But just the way you have your title, I can say some words of advice.

 

Why 7 years of being a BF???

 

That said, if you are thinking BF/GF relationships will last as long as you think they will, you are seeing it go down the tubes.

 

She probably has another in waiting. She just has not told you about it because she has attachment in you, and is afraid to hurt you.

 

Now there could be other issues, she has grown away from you but still loves you just not so deeply to be sexually close.

 

Another could be from past issues, that are still being trouble for her. Like I said I did not have time to read, but if you had other partners besides her in your relationship, her trust has turned sour on allowing for sex.

 

So what to do... talk, and make sure everything in out in the open. There will be sides to weigh, and if she feels like she will forever be a GF,you will have to decide what means more to you, loosing her or marriage.

[BoiseRed89]

That's the thing, she WANTS to have sex. We're still VERY sexual. It's the EMOTIONAL side she's withdrawing. As I left she even asked if we could still have sex and go on dates. I told her I needed to be her top pick or I couldn't handle her. But now I'm not so sure what "Top pick" means to me.

 

Does it mean me in everything? No, not really.

 

And as for why 7 years of dating, that's just situational reasons. I WANTED to marry her at 3 years but she became RABIDLY depressed and I backed off. We even broke up for about 5 months. Then she got diagnosed on year 4. Now she's told me she's afraid of including people in her life for fear the cancer returns and she disappoints me or children.

 

Her whole standpoint is "I love you, I love seeing you, I love touching and being with you, but I don't want kids or to get married to you"

Edited September 22, 2014 by BoiseRed89

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

That's the thing, she WANTS to have sex. We're still VERY sexual. It's the EMOTIONAL side she's withdrawing. As I left she even asked if we could still have sex and go on dates. I told her I needed to be her top pick or I couldn't handle her. But now I'm not so sure what "Top pick" means to me.

 

Does it mean me in everything? No, not really.

 

And as for why 7 years of dating, that's just situational reasons. I WANTED to marry her at 3 years but she became RABIDLY depressed and I backed off. We even broke up for about 5 months. Then she got diagnosed on year 4. Now she's told me she's afraid of including people in her life for fear the cancer returns and she disappoints me or children.

 

Her whole standpoint is "I love you, I love seeing you, I love touching and being with you, but I don't want kids or to get married to you"

 

You just answered what is bothering her.

 

She has attachment issues. Probably from parents past.

My cousin was hell bent on not getting married or having children. After 2 9 year bf/gf relationships and a bit of growing up. He now is married and has children.

 

Since she is depressed, probably from emotional turmoil knowing you love her and want marriage she feels helpless.

 

She needs some professional help in getting past the detachment part in your relationship. They will probably give her some anti-depressants. They may make her less responsive to sex so don't feel bad. There are various drugs that can be changed to relieve her depression and may not effect her sexually.

 

I think that will be the only issue to resolve to have her feel confident in marriage. So odds are she is not a lost cause.

[BoiseRed89]

I've offered to send her to therapy without me, but she's refused so far. Her parents marriage is a catastrophe so that would make alot of sense. My only concern is that she told me she's "not ready to have more than afew hours together yet" which I attributed to her being so secluded so long.

 

What I was planning to do was to wait about 2 months, re-open communication and tell her I'm fine with no marriage, so long as she loves me enough to try. My aunt has been living with a man she;s not married to for almost 20 years and they're as happy as can be... with no children.

 

Does that sound like a positive plan of motion? I'm deploying again in december. I don't want to leave without her...

 

7 years is too long to have it end like this.

Edited September 22, 2014 by BoiseRed89

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

You may have to trust her to pull herself out... by allowing full trust in having her see you leave. She may be a bit quiet, but keeping contact will help make her see what you want with her is obtainable.

 

SOmetimes a woman needs a shock to the system if she is not willing to confront the issue.

[BoiseRed89]

Well I guess my issue remains, she said she loves this person "Differently" Than me, as in more deeply. I chalked that up to infatuation with someone new. But she said she's been working this out for "a long time" which to her could be as little as a month.

 

After 7 years, it's not going to be like we were first dating.

 

Is that something you'd agree with or am I walking into an ambush?

 

Afew of my friends have told me that they believe all of the negativity was an attempt to shoo me away so she didn't have to. As in she didn't mean it, but wanted to be mean to me in order to drive me off for good.

 

I do however believe she has feelings for this girl. I believe she wants the "first date" jitters back. She said she wants to give this girl nice things and make her happy and basically everything she DOESN'T do for me lately. And it IS just lately. A mere two months ago she told me she could NEVER love someone more than me... The most peculiar thing is she says she isn't interested in sex with this person, just has the feeling she loves her. It's been 7 years, I don't know how she thinks it's going to feel like we're first meeting anymore. Or worse, how a person she's known 3 weeks could replace that kind of a relationship so strongly to her.

 

The only thing that comes from something she said recently was that she didn't want to let anyone down if her cancer came back. Basically, if we get married or have kids, she'd be failing us if she died. I've done alot to try and reassure her this won't be the case, and that I'd rather have the time she has left with her if that IS the case... I'm hoping if I return in 2 months, I can convince her marriage and kids aren't as important as I made them seem. She used to really prioritise these things, but stopped during the cancer.

Edited September 22, 2014 by BoiseRed89

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Well it is obvious she is trying to scare you off. It is her protection and only defense she knows.

 

Being there for her through thick and thin will be your arsenal to break her defense.

 

Even if she should turn away and be with another, she will find herself wanting you back. There is no way for her to remove you without you disappointing her.

 

You can prove your love by being reaffirming against all her negative words. Along with proving each belief she gives you by reversing it.

 

Doing so will be a task, but in do time each one of them negatives will become less and less.

 

I took a year to remove my SM negatives, by being careful to see what she felt and giving her reassurance every day. Though answering questions that she hinted at, along with being there, when I could not. As I have an LDR in which we never touched or seen each other for 3+ years.

 

It can be done, just allowing full trust, full acceptance and believing in each other wholeheartedly. You need her to change her direction to want to try. Only you can find the way for her. Even if you feel you need to grab her and shake it out of her. As she has accepted your departure before it actually happens. I expect she will break down, so expect that in the results. It will be worse than having to go without her.

[BoiseRed89]

That sounds like a solid plan. I had our anniversary present already, its the week of her birthday. I'll wait the 7 more weeks until then and send a simple "Happy Birthday" text to her. I know she'll answer. I'm going to keep my distance. Tell her I'll be here, no expectations while I deploy, so long as she doesn't start something serious, but that I want her around, in a romantic capacity, just one without expectations for awhile. My deployments are usually about 6-12 months, letters and talking is all we can do, I'll try it then.

 

I do worry tho... do you have any insight into what she means by all of this? What do you think it means she doesnt feel "tingly and giggly" for me anymore? Is that just a facet of her being afraid of commiting right now? Or is it a sign she truly isn't "In love" with me anymore?

 

She was legitimately upset when I left, for the first time in a long time I saw her cry, but that could be for alot of reasons.

Edited September 22, 2014 by BoiseRed89

[Diezel]

I hate to be the one to say this... but you need to move on with your life.

 

She's hiding behind a plethora of issues and in an unfair fashion, is keeping you around because she knows you will always be there as her support system. She doesn't "love" you, she loves the support and the reliability you give her.

 

Honestly, you need to find someone "healthy" and by that, I mean mentally and emotionally healthy. She, obviously, is not and it is dragging you down.

 

She likes other people in a way she doesn't like you. She's not sexually attracted to you no matter what she says. Measure her actions, NOT her words. Everything she is saying to you is the opposite of what she is displaying and you keep falling for it.

 

You are so used to having her in your life, that you can't see any other life than with her, as miserable as a life that could possibly be.

 

This whole situation is a mess and the sooner you can get out of it, the better it will be. I see no scenario where this situation gets any better. It's going to lead to a path of eventual anguish and resentment.

[BoiseRed89]

Ordinarily I'd agree, but if this were a typical situation I would. I don't know what to believe from her anymore, but she's never lied to me before all of this. I made alot of mistakes early in our relationship because I was immature and young. And she stuck with me.

 

Recently, she survived cancer only to be re-diagnosed with a brain tumor. Her cousin JUST died from a cancer that was SUPPOSED to be gone, and her mother was just crippled and cannot walk due to a recurring cancer, that again, was cured. I'm more tempted to believe, due to the fact this is new behavior she's afraid for whatever she might leave behind should this turn badly again. My words aren't enough anymore.

 

That's all I'm basing this on. She stuck by me. After me being awful to her for nearly a year. It's possible she's lying, but I don't want to give up until I know for sure.

 

She's very sexually attracted, we had sex almost every time we got, even up until now. The only thing she was holding back was emotional intimacy. Anything more than "I love you" seemed a strain for her. Up until 3 months ago, she was waiting for me on her stoop whenever I came over.

 

I do see your point tho. If I talk to her again, I'm going in uninvested. That's what I'm planning to do with this time I'm taking. Hopefully.

 

I do suspect that she believes I won't ever leave. During the cancer, I took whatever she dished out. I joined a support group of people that all had similar stories about their spouses lashing out at them because of the chemicals and the treatments. As I understand it, it's fairly normal. Not typical, but normal. She needs time to think, and so do I.

 

She's never really been very emotionally healthy... but I love her all the same. As much as its hurt me over the years, I feel like I owe her 1 last chance. From a VERY safe distance.

 

Maybe I can't accept that 7 years was wasted here, I guess I'll find out.

Edited September 22, 2014 by BoiseRed89

[heartshaped]

The truth?

 

You're both young and have only really been with each other. From my life experiences, this rarely works out.

 

I think at this point, there's just too much water under the bridge.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Ordinarily I'd agree, but if this were a typical situation I would. I don't know what to believe from her anymore, but she's never lied to me before all of this. I made alot of mistakes early in our relationship because I was immature and young. And she stuck with me.

 

Recently, she survived cancer only to be re-diagnosed with a brain tumor. Her cousin JUST died from a cancer that was SUPPOSED to be gone, and her mother was just crippled and cannot walk due to a recurring cancer, that again, was cured. I'm more tempted to believe, due to the fact this is new behavior she's afraid for whatever she might leave behind should this turn badly again. My words aren't enough anymore.

 

That's all I'm basing this on. She stuck by me. After me being awful to her for nearly a year. It's possible she's lying, but I don't want to give up until I know for sure.

 

She's very sexually attracted, we had sex almost every time we got, even up until now. The only thing she was holding back was emotional intimacy. Anything more than "I love you" seemed a strain for her. Up until 3 months ago, she was waiting for me on her stoop whenever I came over.

 

I do see your point tho. If I talk to her again, I'm going in uninvested. That's what I'm planning to do with this time I'm taking. Hopefully.

 

I do suspect that she believes I won't ever leave. During the cancer, I took whatever she dished out. I joined a support group of people that all had similar stories about their spouses lashing out at them because of the chemicals and the treatments. As I understand it, it's fairly normal. Not typical, but normal. She needs time to think, and so do I.

 

She's never really been very emotionally healthy... but I love her all the same. As much as its hurt me over the years, I feel like I owe her 1 last chance. From a VERY safe distance.

 

Maybe I can't accept that 7 years was wasted here, I guess I'll find out.

 

I believe she loves and trusts you more than peeps here know.

 

I will tell you something personal about me and being around hell.

 

When you grow up learning what hell is, it is hard to see any light. Your beliefs are set in stone before you are 12 years of age. Nothing scares yo more than reliving your past. So you hide, and keep away from seeing the truth. Fear will poison all good intentions no matter how hard you try. You are the only one she trusts to help her. So with that said...

 

No matter what guy she dates, not one will comfort her heart as you. The reason for it, you are her rock, as you have been there for her thick and thin. No man will put up with her because they do not understand her as well as you. They will just allow her to clam up within her fears and become less of what she is.

 

I don't like to push movies as a way to describe peeps, as movies are just that. But in rare occasions, a movie that is taken to be for entertainment only, has a strong message. If you watched Forest Gump, Jenny is pretty much what your GF is at this time in her life. Though there are different issues played out, the results are the same.

 

To protect her from herself, you must when away, find it in your heart to pull what touches you and give it to her in your best words. At first it will be difficult, and you'll be kicking yourself on what to say. You must find ways to be able to touch her like you never done before.

 

As for when she says negative things or indirectly makes comment to pull away. You must reinforce the good by turning every comment around to show love and understanding.

 

Being away will put herself in turmoil. Wanting to be with you, and fearing the unknown. Never let her go without knowing, even if it makes you cry or feel helpless. Giving her your thoughts about showing her things she has yet to see. Not to make dreams of anything, but a plan for when you are with her. Show her even though you are away, she is with you. Never show anger or disappointment in her if she should hurt you. Hold back your negative feelings, and allow to understand why before explaining you feelings. Sometimes just saying, I feel hurt to what you said, and can't understand enough to make sense, but I feel you're not seeing... The rest is your feelings to the matter at hand.

 

You cannot allow yourself to show her what she fears while away. Only you and her know of the past in her home. So be patient, and allow comfort and not be restraining. Allow her to feel you are with her by wee messages and asking how she is doing, along with sharing your humor or thoughts at the time. As each day brings wee moments to allow time for you to contact her, it is not how much you give of your time, it is how you give during those moments. I find a few txts when time permits come out to be 10 to 20 a day. Too many every day may be to much, as you may find it hard to keep up. be sure to make good morning and good night messages as if you were to be there to start or end her day. Everyone of them will keep her heart at peace.

 

I know if you leave your love open to many options for her while away, you will feel not so inclined. That is natural, as I have that with my SM. Even though she may not be with me. I am OK with it, and know I can't have her waiting for me. But it is just that, allowing for her love to guide her, instead of feeling trapped. She will find her way, as your love and care will guide her out of her fears.

 

Hope the best for you! I really do, as the only persons that know how special your love for each other is, is you two. Nobody has the right to deny you of believing in what you desire. That is living life to its fullest. Some day, you will realize for good or bad, you did right and nothing can take that away from you.

Edited September 23, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA

[BoiseRed89]

I'm not sure what to believe anymore. She's been all over the place these last 3 months since her chemo ended. I've tolerated all of her ups and downs, reminded her I love her, offered her all the support I can.

 

I'm mad and offender 7 years meant less than a 3 week crush, but I don't know how I could ever love someone like I love this girl again.

 

If she comes back, it'll bother me for a long time as to why. Was it because she loves me or because she didn't find anything better?

 

I've consulted alot of my female friends, and all of them are absolutely stunned she'd let me go onto the market like that. I know I can find someone else, I just don't want to.

 

If she comes back, I will tell her I'll be here, watching through binoculars as she sorts herself out. I'll be as impartial as possible because I can't afford to do this again over her.

[leoc1973]

you need to stop trying so hard. She is playing you like a fiddle. Bull crap cancer and bull crap tingles and bull crap everything else.

 

She is getting away with what ever you let her get away with. Where do you think sayings like have your cake and eat it too come from? Exactly! situations like this. She knows that no matter what she does you are going to still take her back. And when you told her that you had enough and you were done what did she do? She threw out her fishing line to see if you would bite with the can we still go on dates and still have sex. She wanted to see where you really stood. Like if you were bluffing or not.

 

One of your biggest problems is being ok with her dating women. It's still a person and still someone she could fall for and guess what? Her new girlfriend isn't going to be ok with her seeing you anymore.

 

Stop focusing on the 7 years. Who gives a ****? The 7 years are gone whether you are with her or not. You both had good times and bad times and its not like you guys used that 7 years to build a solid foundation. You have both cheated and hurt one anther.

 

Stop going home after seeing her and over analyzing everything she said. You can't believe anything out of her mouth. You found a condom wrapper even tho you gave her permission to fool around with women. She pushed it to the next level and put a penis in her to see if you would be ok with that.

 

I am not trying to be harsh but I have had 3 - 6 year relationships. I am going to tell you exactly what is going on and exactly what to do.

 

She is young and young women start to look at their lives and think about what they are missing or have missed out on. She never really go to to date people as an adult so she wants to. Its as simple as that. She wants to and you are letting her by watching her break down and cry and manipulate you. If she loved you as much as she said she would be begging to get married and not even think about other men or women. She would be all about you. That's what love is.

 

OK now what do you do? Well you can keep showing her that you are waiting for her every time she breaks down and puts on the tears because she knows you are going to melt. Or you can sit there and tell her that you are willing to try in the future so that she can go and explore other people and MAYBE just MAYBE she will decide that she misses you.

 

But what you should do is tell her to F off and don't ever bother you again. Let her process that for a little bit and I would bet she comes running back. Then you make her beg and then agree to your terms. NOT HERS!

 

I really believe you are a good guy. Probably about as supportive and kind to a person as anyone can be but women just simply aren't attracted to doormats. There is a right and wrong time to be a jerk and I would say now is your time to be a man and take control. Go google "I broke up with him but want him back" you will read story after story of a girl who dumped a guy and now the guy told her to go to hell and she can't think of anything but getting him back. Why? because he was a man and stood up for himself. Women want a man not a teddy bear. Stop being her teddy bear for her to cry on.

 

Oh and one last thing. She can't spend more than a few hours with you because she wouldn't know how to explain to her girlfriend where she was all night and why she didn't message her. When was the last time you talked to her? Who messaged who?

[BoiseRed89]

She usually messaged me. She goes to the hospital from 8-12 and then works 2-11. She also teaches music lessons on her days off. I believe her schedule. What I don't believe is what she's telling me.

 

I DID tell her to go away. The last message I sent was "I can handle alot of thing, this isn't one of them" and she asked to continue talking. I told her "Try again in 6 months, we'll see how I feel" She replied "I get that... I hope you wanna talk to me before that" and I replied "I don't see that happening sadly. If you're going to change your mind I'd do it fast, because I leave in December, and if I don't think I have a reason to come back to this city, I won't."

 

Then the conversation stopped. And has for 2 weeks now.

 

I forgave everything she did to me, because of her cancer. I was in a support group with ALOT of situations where the patient lashes out and acts irrationally. Isolating themself is also VERY common. The difference is, she still acted like she loved me until 3 months ago.

 

Like I said, I plan on re-opening communication sometime in November, using her birthday as an excuse. And telling her I want to try, but from a MASSIVE distance. And that SHE needs to earn my trust again, I won't be doing anything for her until she does. I'm deploying for 7 months in December. What I want is for her to wait for me until I get back, write me and give me a reason to care, because I agree, I'm not sure what else to do. I doubt I'll ever be this way again without due cause. Frankly, if it's the commitment that's scaring her, I sure as hell don't want to commit to her NOW anyway.

 

I was never a doormat like this before, and I think she forgot that. Her cancer changed my whole dynamic. What else could I do but take her abuse and tell her I love her? She's sicker than I likely ever would be and more scared than I've ever been. Getting angry with her is the LAST thing I could do. Support is all there was. Before, I was SO aggressive I would throw fits at the drop of a hat. I'd even use my job as an excuse for my temper tantrums. The reason I couldn't let go of her was I was always afraid if I did... she'd be dead when I came back.

 

I believe she doesn't want kids or marriage based on one thing. She saw her cousin die a month ago from cancer and left behind two boys and a husband. She's brought this up MANY times. I think this left a deep scarred image. She asked me once "I can't imagine being a mom or a wife right now, what would you do if I died at 30?" I replied "I'd take care of our kids." She replied "Who's going to take care of you?" And I answered "I don't know. I'm a big boy." and she became very quiet.

 

There's no questioning she's abusing what I've given her. There's also no questioning she'll be back. I just need to know what to do when she does.

 

And yeah, I googled that topic, this came up: https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110808022801AAuUQBL

 

I had to check the date to make sure it WASN'T her... that, and the poor grammar.

 

I suppose this is what's happening. I proved I can change myself and become a more mature, nurturing version of myself, in spite of everything around me... maybe now it's time to prove I'm still not a pushover.

 

I really DON'T have a problem with her having sex with girls. It legitimately doesn't bother me. She also told me she'd never have real feelings for one for almost two years since she broke up with her girlfriend and we got back together. But you're right, if she CAN develop feelings for them, I have to restrict her, which will likely just make her run again... Which I know answers my question... I don't like it... but I want her back and now I can't trust her like that with a girl any more than I can with a guy.

 

I'm completely lost on how to handle this now... I was going to tell her I'd use her for sex when I came home for awhile and see where it went, and that a female sex partner was ok, but now I don't know if I can trust her with that... I'm actually more confused now than ever.

Edited September 25, 2014 by BoiseRed89

[BoiseRed89]

I know I just made a mistake... but I saw her in the store today shopping. I walked up to her, said hi, kissed her and walked away... I just lost control.

 

I'm an idiot. I know. I just acted impulsively. Damage control is about all there is now.

 

I'm inviting her over tonight. I'm going to tell her our lives are seperating now. I know where mine is going, and if she wants to be a part of mine, she needs to decide where hers is. I'll be gone for a year, I'll give her that long to "find herself"

Edited September 25, 2014 by BoiseRed89

[BoiseRed89]

Ok here's the conclusion to my story. I told her I wanted to talk and she said she'd meet me and blew me off. I setup another meeting and again, she said she'd come and didn't.

 

I finally contacted her mother (since she had said she was visiting her) to ask if she was ok. Her mother hasn't seen her in weeks.

 

I call her to confront her about where she's been and she won't return my calls. I'm assuming her mother told her I'd called because she sent me "I don't know why you're freaking out alittle... but I don't like it. Let's just take a breathe for awhile. I don't like the drama" I told her the only drama is her lying to me. And she's only upset because she's been caught.

 

I told her I knew she hadn't been there and that she could go to hell. I told her I can and will do better than her and that she's the worst kind of person using her mother's cancer as an excuse to lie to me. She said she "doesn't want to make me upset" and I told her she's shown me who she REALLY is and never to talk to me again.

[BoiseRed89]

I just broke up with my girlfriend of the last 7 years... I was trying to reconcile everything that had happened with us, but I caught her in a lie today and told her to go to hell... I'm angry but I feel an emptiness now that I don't know how to handle...

 

I don't know how to handle all of this... I've never loved someone before and I've DEFINITELY never had someone do THIS to me...

Edited October 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mightycpa]

So really what you're asking is how to fall out of love with a girl who you know, in your mind but not in your heart, isn't right for you.

 

Is this correct?

[No Limit]

Just be sure to go NC and delete her from social media if needed.

[chados]

i think that because her mom died and her cancer made her incredible vulnerable and i think that sometimes no matter how much you care and try to help a person , sometimes they dont feel that they get enough out of it.

 

she has no right to be cheating on you and maybe since she was so vulberable you might have pushed her unknowingly when she really just needed you to be there as support. maybe sex was out of the option for her at this point. she just needed someone that listened. this doesnt mean you have done anything wrong though. i cant understand exactly what goes through your or her mind but i can relate to your situation a little.

 

 

my girlfriend had cellchanges which and its extremly common to get that. you can get cancer from it but its extremly rare. she became distant and i guess i understood but i couldnt understand why she got so scared. looking back maybe i should have dealed with it differently but its so hard when its your first time, i mean we are only humans.

 

this is not only about a woman cheating. its about feeling that her life is on the line and maybe she felt that she had to live it fully. meaning she wanted to experience what it would be like with other woman. i dont know if youre okey with this or if its just because of how vulnerable you feel at this point.

 

 

i really dont know what i would have done. i think i would have felt sorry for her and maybe even when cheating forgive her, but im not sure i would take her back.

[BoiseRed89]

I tried more times than I can remember to get her to open up. She always refused and I just left her alone.

 

She would utter things like "I just don't like talking about stuff like that with you" or "I don't lean on you like I used to" I gave her her space and listened.

 

When she wouldn't open up emotionally, I tried the only thing I COULD do which was offering dates and sex as much as I could, to try and distract her and get her out of her apartment. At one point I even offered to PAY for her to see a therapist. Which she INITIALLY agreed to, then declined later.

 

I'm really fine with her being with another woman. We'd discussed it many times and it didn't and doesn't bother me in the slightest.

 

What bothers me is her complete and UTTER detachment from me outside of texts, and, most recently being caught red handed in a lie that has been going on for who knows how long.

 

I walked on egg shells for months not trying to upset her, so as not to add more stress to her. I wanted us to be a place of calm and relaxation which she told me it was until about 3 months ago before cheating and finally telling me she loves this girl more than me.

 

I was limping along trying to maintain contact with her when I discovered the lie. That, compounded with seeing her actively ignoring and avoiding me, expecting me to go away like a problem made me explode. I can tolerate a lot from her, but ignoring my feelings and hiding from me hoping I'll just fade away isn't one of them.

 

Putting the blame on me isn't high on my turn-on's list either. When I called her mom to ask if she was ok "Understandable, since we had a date 48hrs ago and she had gone silent and her saying "I don't know why you're freaking out, I have alot going on, I don't need this drama" Which I interpret as a direct response to knowing she'd been caught. The conversation I had with her mother AND her roommate was just that, I asked if she was ok since she had missed our date and wasn't taking my calls.

 

I plan to try and talk to her again when I come back from my next deployment. in 9 months, if I still feel the need. But as I told her "I don't know what happened to the girl I fell in love with, but if she decides to come back, give her my number. I deserve better than this."

 

For the records sake, this all started when she cheated on me and I caught her a month ago. She claimed to have been overcome with grief from everything and told me she'd made a huge mistake. We talked through it, but I asked her about 2 weeks ago, "How do I know this won't happen again while I'm gone?" And she replied "That's 6 months from now, life changes fast, who knows what will happen"

 

An answer I found highly unsatisfactory.

 

I even suggested we just be friends with benefits. I told her she could date this chick, but give me my time too and I wouldn't care (not alot of time, I'm deployed 11 months of the year) and she replied "You sound like you want to setup this whole big thing and I don't want to be serious right now"

 

I'm so tired... I feel like my love for her and a great many things has been drained and stolen by all of this. I hung in there for her for two years... ignored my friends warning me and always gave her the benefit of the doubt. I'd even bring her flowers and leave them for her whenever I knew she was more sick than usual... but I've got nothing left. I love this girl... but I'm so very tired of chasing her.

Edited October 4, 2014 by BoiseRed89

[chados]

sorry but its so much text to read everything once again. but beside flowers, were you there for her every day to support her?.

 

its so hard to know what a person that gets that sick really wants and needs. were all different. i think maybe her life changed because of her being scared she might miss other things. its just sad it had to go out on you.

 

i think you need to let this one go. if she has serious problems right now and she wont let you help her then maybe she has to deal with it her way. i think she appreciates you and she might understand this better when time comes.

 

i mean just thinking about how my girlfriend felt. and compare this to i guess being as sick as you can actually be as a human, i can understand how a person goes crazy. just don take it personally.

[BoiseRed89]

No I was. I would text her every day and remind her I loved her, even when I got no reply. I would leave her flowers and offer to take her to dinner, I'd do things like sending her packets of funny gif's to improve her day. Up until two months ago she continued to tell me I was the greatest person in the world.

 

I don't know what happened. But the person I thought was in there is dead and gone near as I can tell.