BoatingBabe Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 Ok, so nothing physical has happened between myself and the MM at work...but we have remained friends...Today we were discussing a new home he bought and we got onto the topic of kitchens...I know a lot about granite and stone and was giving him a contact person to do it for him...But then he shocked me and asked me to go with him. Shouldn't he be taking his wife to go look at something major like that? Keep in mind we have had NO interaction outside of work...this would be the first time If I decide to accompany him...is this just his way or trick to get me outside the work environment?
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 Shouldn't he be taking his wife to go look at something major like that? Yes. Given the information you've given on your other posts, he's looking for an excuse to get you alone. Since you have remained 'friends', he is betting that you will probably go - particularly if he sets it up as something "innocent". It may be an innocent trip in general, but I doubt his intentions are purely innocent.
Author BoatingBabe Posted March 7, 2005 Author Posted March 7, 2005 Lucrezia, that is what I thought....He sends mixed signals, purposely I suppose. When he brings this up next week, should I just give him the info and contact number and tell him he should take his wife with him? I just don't trust this It sound like it's just a his way of getting closer to me...Not that he'd try something...but just get closer as a confidante...and that's how it all starts....He's already told me that I am someone he trusts and confides in....someone he comes to after having a bad day at work and needs to let loose and joke with.....but isn't this a role that should belong to his wife, no?
lynnered Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 i would ask him exactly that shouldn't you be taking your wife?
curly Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 You are entering into the beginning phases of an affair. The innocent time, when we're just out as friends. Oops, meant to say "friends." My MM & I had a flirtation one night after work at a party and we kissed. Then Monday, he pulled away only to find me the next day to say he wasn't sure what to do about me.... I said, let nature take it's course (playing coy....) [bTW, was told he was separated for almost a year at that time] We started to have lunch about once a week and about 6 weeks later, I was in. He started the affair. Going anywhere with this man equals trouble. Run now! Truly, I mean it. Run now! If you're on this forum, you already have your warning bells going off. Listen to them. Don't be naive. You've read the posts. It leads to unbelievable heartbreak. You don't want to feel this. Trust me. It hurts beyond any hurt I have ever known. I can cry at the drop of a hat. I feel nothing but pain. And while it was going on, I felt pain constantly. Please, please, please, for your own sanity.... don't do this. Tell him no and give him no other explanation. Just say you're busy and can't go. Stop flirting, stop playing with fire. You will get burned.
Author BoatingBabe Posted March 7, 2005 Author Posted March 7, 2005 Wow Curly, thanks, I needed to hear that...I think he actually regrets asking me...this was online..and then he signed off with no "goodbye" and has been back since without chatting with me, so I think he too realized he didn't want this to happen...at least I hope I won't really be hearing about this at work. I think he is fighting this, just as much as I am...
curly Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 keep fighting.... It will only bring you hurt, not him....
OceanLover Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 BoatingBabe, I agree with the other posts, from the male perspective it sounds like trying to gain your trust, and trying to get closer in "increments". Also, the weird complement He's already told me that I am someone he trusts and confides in....someone he comes to after having a bad day at work and needs to let loose and joke with..... is forward and awkward and seems to thrust you "into the role of significant other and closest confidant" (instead of his wife). Stay clear and just professional at work. Send STONG signals that you don't want the line crossed and he will either get the message or you can tell him its either he abides and stays clear or you can get HR involved. Agree with the other post, you already have sensed there is "something wrong" and you should listen to your (womens) intuition. Hope this helps... Ocean Lover
curly Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 Hey - Ocean lover..... a guy on the posts! We rarely get men on here! And an ocean lover! ARe you an MM? What are you doing? What's your story? Just interested cause I'm an ocean lover too.
OceanLover Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 curly wrote: Hey - Ocean lover..... a guy on the posts! We rarely get men on here! And an ocean lover! ARe you an MM? What are you doing? What's your story? Hi Curly, Just saw the site and thought I'd drop by and in to check it out. Thanks for the nice welcome... Not a MM, my story is dating, happy and outgoing, like to have fun, love beach, boating and the ocean... love it hot... (weather too...lol) Summer is definately my season, followed by spring and fall, winter SUCKS... (and not in a good way... *grin* ) Thanks again for the welcome! Ocean Lover
heart2heart Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 Of course it seems 'innocent', but it's no more than a ploy to get you alone, to try and take things further. Had the same thing happen to me a few weeks back. I'm 'friends' with a MM, although the MM in my situation is an ex of mine with whom I had a long relationship way back some years ago and before he was married. He recently got back in touch with me after years of not hearing from him or seeing him and he claimed he'd missed me, had always wondered about me and he told me he'd like for us to be friends, even though he's married! I agreed anyhow, didn't see any harm in emailing back and forth, as we live long distance. Well, after exchanging a few mails, I recieved an email from him that said he was going to be in my area on business, it'd be nice if I dropped in and said 'hi' to him. It was tempting to go and see him believe me! This guy was my 'first love', we had a relationship lasting seven years and long before he married, I've thought about him constantly these past years and was overjoyed when he got back in touch. ......HOWEVER, I DIDN'T show up to see him like he'd wanted me too. WHY?? Because he's a MARRIED GUY. Needless to say he never mailed me back after I didn't show up, so, so much for his claims he wanted us to be 'friends'!! He wanted us to be 'friends' simply because he had other plans for 'us' in mind and it doesn't take a brain to figure out what!!
Author BoatingBabe Posted March 8, 2005 Author Posted March 8, 2005 I hear ya Heart...I don't get innocent feelings about this either...yesterday I avoided him at work. I hope he takes that as a sign and doesn't bring it up again. Difference in my case is that we work together, in the same department...although we have no business with eachother, we will run into eachother every day...so he has all the time in the world to try. He just also bought a house at my coaching which means he's going to be here for a while...When I first met him he said he would live here for a year and move on...Now he has planted himself down.
LittleMiss Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 all I'm going to say is DON'T GO! Take it from someone who has been down this road. It only leads to heartache and pain.
heart2heart Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 I think he actually regrets asking me...this was online..and then he signed off with no "goodbye" and has been back since without chatting with me, so I think he too realized he didn't want this to happen...at least I hope I won't really be hearing about this at work. I think he is fighting this, just as much as I am... I was thinking the same in regard to MM in my situation and I'm wondering if he regrets asking me to go along and see him too, particularly because I didn't respond in the way he'd perhaps hoped - same could be true of your MM! When he'd asked me to go along and say 'hi' to him (we correspond by email), I was kinda taken aback, as you are now. He'd also said other things in his mail that made me think he saw 'us' as more than being 'friends' and so I got kinda scared and didn't reply to his mail for two weeks. I did send a mail inbetween though wishing him a happy birthday and he read this mail, yet didn't reply! I figured that he was perhaps annoyed because I'd made no mention of going to see him, nor did I acknowledge other things he'd said........I didn't know how to respond tbh. And so, in the two weeks that I didn't reply, he was in my area for those two weeks and I didn't bother to show up. I eventually and after he went back home, sent an email explaining why I didn't show up and he hasn't even bothered to read that mail, it still lies unread after six weeks!! So could he be fighting against this, as much as I fought against going to see him - I didn't go because I knew it was wrong and I knew that if I had gone, it would have only led to heartbreak and it would've been mine that was broken I'd say 'don't go there'......if I managed not to, you can too!!
heart2heart Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 You are entering into the beginning phases of an affair. The innocent time, when we're just out as friends. Yes, it all starts 'innocently'. Whether going to help choose something for the home, having an innocent drink or simply popping along to say 'hi'. We lead ourselves into thinking where's the harm? We are 'friends' after all and 'friends' have days out together, have drinks together and often visit each other. Thing is, these 'innocent' things we contemplate doing, we are contemplating doing with MARRIED men, that should be enough in itself to make us think twice before we do something and no matter how innocent it all seems. I gotta say that having been reading these forums for a few weeks, helped me a lot in my decision to not go and see MM in my situation. It gave me an understanding of how affairs begin, what they entail and where they eventually lead........NOWHERE! It just aint worth the heartache and for all concerned.
sami Posted March 8, 2005 Posted March 8, 2005 "It gave me an understanding of how affairs begin, what they entail and where they eventually lead........NOWHERE". Well said.
Author BoatingBabe Posted March 9, 2005 Author Posted March 9, 2005 Yesterday he announces to several people in the department that I will be going with him and that I will be going as his "pretend wife". wtf? so he KNOWS this is something he should be taking his wife and not me. Wouldn't that be nice? his wife will be looking at a kitchen every day and cooking in a kitchen that I picked out...how FU'd is that?? no way can I go.
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 9, 2005 Posted March 9, 2005 Yesterday he announces to several people in the department that I will be going with him and that I will be going as his "pretend wife". Any chance a well meaning co-worker will call the 'real' wife and tell her what is going on? Even if there is nothing going on, I would think his behavior alone would have people believing that you two are sleeping together even though you aren't. Its getting into dangerous territory now. Snowballing. He is manipulating you into this affair whether you know it or not because he probably thinks that on some level you want it just as badly as he does: or else you would have stopped it dead in its tracks in any number of ways. Just the fact that you are 'still friends' is enough for him to continue to move it in the direction he wants. You'll need to seriously reconsider how much this 'friendship' means to you and whether or not its worth hanging onto - and what your true motivations are for holding onto it. Like it or not, its becoming an affair. No matter how 'innocent' it is, I'm sure your co-workers don't think so and it will eventually get back to his wife. This is the point where it has to end, or it will continue to move forward. You have the power to stop it. The question is... do you want to?
heart2heart Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 BoatingBabe, just tell him point blank that it's not your place to help him go choosing kitchens, it's his wifes!! Failing that, just don't show up when he arranges time and place for you to meet (to go and choose this kitchen). He might then get the message, would appear MM in my sitch did
Owl Posted March 10, 2005 Posted March 10, 2005 Better yet...tell him the next time he makes a damnfool statement like that, YOU will call his wife! IMO, you should anyway, just to get this puppy to quit sniffing your heels!
Author BoatingBabe Posted March 11, 2005 Author Posted March 11, 2005 He brought it up again today, and I basically just gave him the contact number...He was not thrilled. He bought my dinner tonight and asked for my number...and I refused the latter. He was cold tonight on line, I suppose due to that rejection. Maybe it's what he needed to realize I won't be the other woman no matter how much he tries.
johan Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 I don't understand why you're having so much contact with this guy. I'm getting the impression you haven't really given him the signal he needs yet to leave you alone. You're online with him at night? He's buying your dinner? If you don't want his attention, then shut him down. If you do, then it seems a little odd for you to come here and rip on him. Not to mention the fact that you're emotionally invested enough to post here about it.
moimeme Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 Quit talking to him online, too. You cannot be friends with a married man intent on having an affair with you. Cut it off. You can find plenty of friends who aren't involved.
Author BoatingBabe Posted March 11, 2005 Author Posted March 11, 2005 Yes, you are both right. I guess he has been somewhat successful in getting into my head. I really need to cut it off...online and at work..I hope he stays away. It will make this so much easier. I will miss the attention, but I know I will be better off in the long run.
johan Posted March 11, 2005 Posted March 11, 2005 How could he get into your head? What do you think he has to offer you? If he never leaves his wife, you end up with half a boyfriend you can't count on. If he does leave her, you have that on your hands, and you have a whole boyfriend who you can't count on. You're acting like you don't really know what you want from a man. Women who know what they want don't waste any time with guys who can't offer it.
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