Jazy1979 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Myself and my partner have a ok relationship, we met 2 weeks after him and his ex seperated, I know it was too soon but I really liked him! We have been together for 2 years, and lately he has been getting secret lifts and meeting her while she is with the children at play areas! He has recently started taking her dog out when he takes his kids out, he has a lot of contact with his children! He contacts her at least 4 times a week about the kids but only contacts her when he's at work! She has met someone and it has newly came out and he was annoyed at this he has even started taking her eldest out with their children which he hasn't done since the day they seperated! ! I really don't know if I'm over acting or I should be suspicious (obs it's good they get on but sometimes I feel like it's too much contact! I don't want to sound horrible and jealous that he has the contact with the children just don't know if there's more too it! He has called me the cleaner to her recently as I did see the message Link to post Share on other sites
Missy0724 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Hi. I would say be very careful and keep an eye and ear out. And trust your instincts... This happened to me. It became clear my bf was not over his ex, still wrapped up with her emotionally, unable to cut ties or set new boundaries post divorce. IMO, when two people get divorced, it is OVER. It doesn't matter if you were married for 20 years or five years. You can be amicable and respectful, for the childrens' sakes and work together in a business like fashion, to CO PARENT together. It should only be about the kids! I'm sorry, but new boundaries should be set up, in place. Out of respect for you, and also the new person his ex is with. He shouldn't be doing her any "favors", taking care of the dog. (my ex pulled this crap, too-was OK taking HER dog on the weekends he had their kids...used the "it's for the kids" excuse, "I don't want to hurt them...". She expected him to feed it with his food, any costs associated with it as well.) And he seemed OK with this! I was a bit confused...Was I wrong? Not sure. That was not the only thing that happened. She would waltz into his house (used to be their marital home) without knocking and act like she still lived there, just going about her business, getting the kids ready, etc. Right in front of him! And he would not stand up to her and be FIRM and tell her NO, this is inappropriate and cannot continue happening! He afraid to stand up to her because "it would trickle down to the kids, she'll take it out on them if we have an argument..." rrrggg - got so so irritating - the games they played! She very manipulative and he just stood there and took it, allowed her to stay in his life, way past what is healthy for two divorced people. Yes, they share young kids. But one of the first things that should be set up between two divorcing, mature adults is, "how are we going to interact now?" What are the new rules, boundaries? Do you think having that much contact, is good for the kids? Maybe they might get wrong idea of parents reconciling? I felt that in my situation. Not good...Made me feel like a third wheel. Like she, a ghost, was always in the room, always there. Because he still always thinking of her, in a lot of contact with her, no new rules... Not healthy for anyone! Including new romantic people in divorced peoples lives... And he the same as your bf - he pissed she seeing someone new. So angry. Like "if I can't have her, no one can." Very unhealthy and sick codependency. All of this while with ME for 10 months. It's over - thank god. So all I can say - is trust your instincts. How does it make you feel? Can he look you in the face and tell you, "I'm not in love with her." My ex could not tell me that... And why our relationship fell apart. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Sounds fishy to me. Also sounds like your relationship moved waaaaay too fast. I mean you see the fault in it, you recognize it wasn't a healthy move and unfortunately you're paying the price. If your relationship is just "ok" what's keeping you there? Your other option is to communicate with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jazy1979 Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 Thanks for the replies! Our relationship has it's ups and downs but I love him deeply! I know our relationship moved too quick but I believed he hated her because of everything she had done to him! Now I'm not to sure! Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 If my partner told his ex that I was "the cleaner", he would be my ex too. I don't put up with being put-down. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jazy1979 Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 He has told her that I know how to look after a man, his ex wouldn't drop to his every beckon call, he came quite down the pecking line, obviously their kids came first but her friends and family came before him! I guess I've tried to hard to compete with her and done the things she refused to do, now I do everything, everything he wanted from a relationship so why does he need this amount of contact! I know he called me a cleaner but I believe we are more than this, just sometimes I wonder if he really is still into her! Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Of course he hated her... "It's a thin line - between love and hate..." He obviously still has feelings and you were a bit too convenient for him, starting up so quickly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jazy1979 Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 I feel abit lost, and don't know what to do! Yes I know I shouldn't of met him so soon but I believed him! Does having feelings for her mean he wants her back or will he just always have feelings for her because of their history! Link to post Share on other sites
Missy0724 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Re: your question of if he's over her or if he just has feelings bc of their history... That is a question you need to ask HIM. If you cannot, then there is a bigger problem at hand... You need that communication! I care about my ex husband because he is the father of my children. But I don't "love" him or am "in love with him". And we live completely separate, individual lives. Sure, if there was an emergency and I really needed something, I know he would help me. We are not "friends", but we have a 20 year history, and share kids, so he will be "in my life" in some manner, for a while. Until kids are older, out of college, etc. IMO he shouldn't be talking about her, but talking about you, about YOUR relationship together, your plans, your future! Happy stuff! And not helping her, doing things for her, her such a large part of her life - no. They are NOT TOGETHER. They are DIVORCED. Hello - that is for a reason. It's very codependent and unhealthy to keep in such close contact. There is no reason for it. Unless the break up was very amicable... Even when there are young kids involved, a new contact and communication plan, new boundaries can be set up, out of respect for each person, and also new people that may enter each person's lives. And sorry, but parents need to teach their children the reality - life sucks sometimes, things end, mommy and daddy are not getting back together because even if we still care about each other, we live separate lives now, we are not "friends". That way kids don't get confused. Need to be honest and open with kids, even young ones. They are smarter and pick up on stuff, more than we know. How can people begin and have a future with a new person, if they have not closed the doors on their past, their ex? If things are bothering you, you need to calmly sit down with him and explain your feelings, how his actions affect you and how it makes you feel. How he responds, will hopefully tell you all you need to know. And take care of YOU. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 He has called me the cleaner to her recently as I did see the message To me.. that is all I would need to know.. boot this guy and quick He calls you a servant to his STBX... damn that is harsh... Your future with a guy who treats you in this manner will not be fulfilling.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jazy1979 Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 Their breakup was amicable, they never fell out as such, they just grew distant with each other! It got a bit messy in the first year post breakup but things seemed to have settled down between them both! And I'm scared that he is falling for her! She is a attractive woman who everyone likes and it has been hard for people to accept me as his new partner which I have found quite hard to deal with! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jazy1979 Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 Also everyone (all his family and friends) thinks it was the worst mistake he made by letting her go! Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Were they married or just in a relationship and have kids together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jazy1979 Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 They where not married but engaged, the wedding was booked but they had to cancel the wedding after they separated! Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Their breakup was amicable, they never fell out as such, they just grew distant with each other! It got a bit messy in the first year post breakup but things seemed to have settled down between them both! And I'm scared that he is falling for her! She is a attractive woman who everyone likes and it has been hard for people to accept me as his new partner which I have found quite hard to deal with! What do you mean, people have found it hard to accept you as his new partner? What specifically has been done/said by people in his life? I hope whenever somebody questioned his decision to be with you he set them straight and defended your relationship. Also, he called you the cleaner? Seriously, that's the most important part of your whole post, OP. Whether or not he has feelings for the ex based on the stuff you said is debatable (although my instincts would be tingling too) but calling you 'the cleaner' is downright disrespectful and nasty and shows how little he thinks of you. And laughing at you behind your back with his ex? I don't think this guy loves or respects you as much as you do him. You might have tried to treat him like a king because his ex didn't but look where it's gotten you, he is still interested in her despite being low on his pecking order, and he's laughing at the housework you do for the two of you WITH HER. Maybe he's just one of those guys who likes the 'treat 'em mean' types. Either way I think I'd be so hurt by the cleaner comment, as well as so sick of the drama of dealing with a man who has kids and unfinished business with the ex, that I'd end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jazy1979 Posted September 26, 2014 Author Share Posted September 26, 2014 Thanks for the replies! It's over he has left me I'm moving out, he swears he's not back with her I have my doubts! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts