How long until you could be around your ex and act 'normal'?

[Summerrose2013]

My ex was a family member of a very close friend and he keeps popping up like a bad penny at family events. I've managed to avoid him so far, but I won't be able to forever and it's putting my friend in a bit of a tricky spot and starting to affect some of our plans together, that I don't want to see him. She is massively supportive but I dont want to make her life difficult.

 

So, how long can I expect that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach to last when I think about coming face to face with him again?

[Dontfindme]

It really depends on every individual situation. For me, it took 3 years before I could face an ex of mine, and not feel sick to my stomach- but then again, I wasn't running into him often, I think I ran into him thrice by chance.

 

I think you need to let a substantial amount of time pass. Your friend should understand.

[H245]

I agree with Dontindme that it really depends. The process takes a lot longer when you run into them all the time. 4 months post BU, and I have the same issue where I'd see my ex once a week for weeks then nothing for weeks, then she would show up again at events.

 

It's really hard to heal when there is a constant reminder of them everywhere you turn...

[Summerrose2013]

I really hope it isn't 3 years....my friend has been understanding so far, but I dont think that will last for ever. She's been happily married for 20 years, so it's been a very long time since she has been through a break up and I think she expects that I should be over it sooner than I will be.

 

Funny thing is, she thinks I have a wonderful exciting life (because I make an effort to do things - because you have to when you are single - and share all my ups and downs of life with her) and that her life is boring - funny how the grass always seems greener, even for friends.

[evanescentworld]

For as long as you permit him to affect you in this way.

The feelings you experience are you acknowledging the pain, and permitting the pain to remain unhindered and unchallenged.

Read my signature: You have to understand that fundamentally, we are all personally and singularly responsible for everything that goes on between our ears.

And your mind has the unblossomed potential to generate something far more powerful than anything outside of it.

 

The more you believe this matter can and will affect you - the longer you'll be right.

If you want to see an end to it - then determine to end it.

 

There should be no 'acting' normal.

You should always BE normal.

And that means complete, under your own steam, not to anyone else's tune.

[Ordinaryday]

completely different for everyone. some exes, even from years ago, I could never be 'normal' around. too much hurt and hard feelings, I just want nothing to do with them. I could never make small talk with them or nothing.

 

different for everyone.

[Summerrose2013]

For as long as you permit him to affect you in this way.

The feelings you experience are you acknowledging the pain, and permitting the pain to remain unhindered and unchallenged.

Read my signature: You have to understand that fundamentally, we are all personally and singularly responsible for everything that goes on between our ears.

And your mind has the unblossomed potential to generate something far more powerful than anything outside of it.

 

The more you believe this matter can and will affect you - the longer you'll be right.

If you want to see an end to it - then determine to end it.

 

There should be no 'acting' normal.

You should always BE normal.

And that means complete, under your own steam, not to anyone else's tune.

 

I'm afraid that my emotions are not always as easily controlled as that.

I am doing everything that others have recommended on here to move on, and it is working, I do feel like I've moved on, but when I hear about him/what he's doing, or an event comes up where I might have to see (avoid) him, it's like picking a scab and re-opening the wound...not as badly, but it's still healing...

[evanescentworld]

People don't believe me when I tell them that, with practice, Emotions really ARE as easy to control, as *that*.

But of course, it takes time.

Reasonable time.

Time during which you can assess your own well-being, improvement, pitfalls and make adjustments accordingly.

Nothing is ever exact unless it's measured.

Continual self-assessment, and progress is essential, even if only to keep an eye on yourself and apply the kick to your backside when you see yourself regressing...

 

The reason you have set-backs is because you let mention of him unsettle you.

 

Don't accept that it happens.

 

Ask yourself WHY it happens.

 

What - within you - permits the wound to be opened again?

What, within you, allows this injury to weep again?

In short - who's doing the ripping - and why?

[Bella2]

People don't believe me when I tell them that, with practice, Emotions really ARE as easy to control, as *that*.

But of course, it takes time.

Reasonable time.

 

It's true.

 

Everybody should be working on that. (I am trying trying trying, although Evanescentworld would probably say "trying is not doing" )

[BC1980]

It's true.

 

Everybody should be working on that. (I am trying trying trying, although Evanescentworld would probably say "trying is not doing" )

 

It's exhausting though.

[Magnet]

For as long as you permit him to affect you in this way.

The feelings you experience are you acknowledging the pain, and permitting the pain to remain unhindered and unchallenged.

Read my signature: You have to understand that fundamentally, we are all personally and singularly responsible for everything that goes on between our ears.

And your mind has the unblossomed potential to generate something far more powerful than anything outside of it.

 

The more you believe this matter can and will affect you - the longer you'll be right.

If you want to see an end to it - then determine to end it.

 

There should be no 'acting' normal.

You should always BE normal.

And that means complete, under your own steam, not to anyone else's tune.

 

 

You speak truth dude.... bang on there.

It only takes as long as you want it to....

 

Fear of a thing increases its power over you

 

I kept avoiding my ex at work, refusing to look at her, ignoring her, etc. It got to the stage when I was getting really angry and venting- I was angry because I felt trapped, unable to be myself. Was even considering leaving my job. But the person doing the trapping was me.

 

That is why, this week, I took a chance and looked directly into my ex's eyes. I was sick of avoiding her gaze and acting like a frightened rabbit. And I felt empowered.

Today, she approaches me and talks to me. I keep my guard up, smile, and don't give much information away while being civil for a few seconds, and walk away, head held high.

 

It's exhausting trying to feel a certain way, or avoid your ex. Just kind of f*ck it, they DON'T DEFINE HOW YOU FEEL.

 

NOBODY MAKES YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT (Credit goes to Eleanor Roosevelt).