Holding hands during dinner, movies, walks...

[Trane]

My girlfriend thinks it's gay, feminine, unflattering.

 

Sometimes during dinner, movies or whenever I get the chance, I will reach out and try and grab her hand. It's not that I need to let everyone in our immediate space know that she's my girlfriend either.

 

I appreciate those public displays of affection more often than she does.

 

Anyone else on LS feel the same? Maybe I'm too affectionate for her.

[d0nnivain]

Compatibility is important. I like holding hands & G-rated PDA (a brief peck etc) but not everybody does. Can you compromise? She gives you more PDA then she likes but you accept less than you want.

[Toodaloo]

It doesn't really matter to be honest.

 

Personally dinner and movies would be a no go and would really piddle me off. Purely because I want to use my hands for eating while out to dinner and if I am at the movies I usually have popcorn as a treat and how am I supposed to eat it if I am hanging on to the pot with one hand and you are hanging onto the other... I would suspect you of secretly wanting to steal my pop corn... but out for a walk perhaps.

 

Some people just don't like it and some prefer to keep it private instead.

 

Nothing wrong to either way.

 

It may be the way you are grabbing her hand. In the past my exes have been tentative in their action as though "asking" rather than just grabbing... Seemed natural somehow...

[Michelle ma Belle]

You're much more affectionate and comfortable with expressing it than she is obviously. I I don't think her calling it gay, feminine, unflattering is very fair and only makes her sound very immature in my humble opinion.

 

I too am very affectionate with the people I love and care for. I am Italian so giving and receiving affection is very natural to me and something I want and need in my relationships. Up until I met my current partner I had never been with a man who was affectionate and that includes my ex husband of 20 years!

 

It was always challenging to be with men who never gave affection a second thought but once you've experienced what it's like to be with someone who is the same love language as you there is NO going back! :D

 

Apart from the lack of PDA, if everything else is going well with this girl perhaps a discussion about a compromise is in order. I think she should consider meeting you half way rather than just shut you down altogether.

 

Good luck.

 

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

[Ninjainpajamas]

I may not seem like the type by looks/behavior or beyond a pretty stoic and sarcastic general demeanor, but I'm a level 10 cuddler and affectionate aficionado...if there is such a thing.

 

I would kick your girlfriend to the curb in a heartbeat if I had your problem on my hands.

 

The thing is, even being the way I am; passionate about even the stupidest of things, I still haven't had any problems in this area...don't get me wrong, I definitely expected to have issues with compatibility but It was either something people adjusted to without much bother to try and change...or maybe I just don't go overboard and overkill with it.

 

I like light PDA such as hand holding, head on shoulder, back/shoulder massages (I like to give them, I don't like them though), kissing and other affectionate behavior that is just being very "normal" for me, I like being general close to the other person. As far as groping, french kissing, or any other unsightly behavior that nobody else really wants to see I save that for mostly privacy...maybe a sneaky little ass grab/squeeze but other than that I'm not sucking on ti...If I do anything naughty, it's not where anyone else can see.

 

Anyway...If I were you I'd be suspicious based on MY EXPERIENCE, knowing that I'm not one to just sit there like a zombie and pretend that person I'm sitting next to that I'm with, could be my sister or my best friend...personally I don't get how people enjoy that, I see couples sit together and hardly even act like they are together...I'll never for the life of me understand what women even see in guys like that who can't express themselves. I guess we're as weird to each other on opposite sides of the spectrum.

 

Which brings to us masculinity....well, unfortunately that's a miss too, you'd have a hard time looking at me and thinking "gay", let alone feeling confident enough to call me that...I like the oldschool more manly type of men rather than the current metrosexual/hipster and all of that...I'm pretty solid on the masculinity area.

 

Maybe your problem is you're just more into her than she is into you, maybe she doesn't respect you as a man having the ovaries to call you gay, feminine and unflattering. It's one thing not to like it, which I GUESS i understand but I couldn't live like that personally...it's a big deal to me, a definite deal-breaker.

 

Keep in mind, I don't do these things in a needy or with love struck eyes desperate for attention kind of thing, like marking my territory because I'm not jealous or insecure...it's not uncommon for me to reach over the table to grab her hand or even kiss her hand...it's not a big deal for me, it just happens and it feels appropriate, I'm not necessarily gushing or trying to prove something with PDA to the world or other guys or girls for that matter, so your overall behavior can be cast in an entirely different light due to your other behavior as well.

Edited September 22, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[Clockwork]

I hold hands with my wife all the time at the movies. Dinner? Not so much, there's a table in between us. But at the movies, always. I either do that or have my arm wrapped around her. Same if we are watching TV at home. She's always lying on me.

 

 

This is just me, but in bed I always have my wife put her head on my shoulder. I actually fall asleep better that way. It's a comfort thing for me.

[preraph]

Everyone is different and yes it can be frustrating. I always wanted a guy who would walk with his arm around my shoulder sometimes, but not really hand-holding, which is a little silly at my age. But none of my guys were ever inclined that way.

[deathandtaxes]

 

Home | The 5 Love Languages®

 

 

 

Indeed. You like touch; she doesn't. Is this big enough to matter? Maybe. Probably not. The comments about being feminine and gay? That's a huge issue. Much more so than the lack of hand holding.

[Gloria25]

I'm just curious as to where your gf is getting her belief and/or notion from?

 

I'm weird...People that I'm really close to, I have a hard time hugging and doing the whole "kiss on the cheeks" greeting (i.e. family members, close friends). But, if I know it means a lot to them, I will do it.

 

Funny thing is, I'm able to hug and/or put my hands on people's shoulder and stuff in situations where I'm seeking something...

 

For example, at work one time, an older lady who was a co-worker was arguing with one of the guys in the office, and to calm her down and break it up, I gave her a sweet hugg and walked her away with my arm around her.

 

I've also been subjected to "fake" people who are kissy/huggy with everyone and they make my blood boil.

 

I think some people go overboard with the PDA...When I used to frequent the city park, there would be people going through full tongue action in the day-time right there where kids, etc. are roaming around...Tacky and disrespectful if you ask me.

 

Now, like at the clubs or like at night if me and a SO are kissing, I think it was ok, cuz, duh, it's the right place/time.

 

But, despite my issues with touching people I'm close to...I made up my time to always be touchy/feely with an SO, cuz I've heard too many stories how people stop touching each other, turn into roommates rather than lovers/SO/bf/gf/husband/wife...and, I don't want that happening between me and the guy I want.

 

Also, there's just something about touch...Sometimes when I am in a bad mood, I pet or hug my dog and it's so wonderful how just touching someone/something can do wonders for you....

 

I think my fav move would be walking with a SO and not really holding hands, but my arm around him and stuck in his back pocket

 

So, rant aside, maybe you should look into your girlfriend's reason for feeling the way she does cuz, IMO, a partner with intimacy issues may get worst if you two go forward.

[Assasda]

Like everything else, The devil is in the details.

 

You might hold her hand to show people that you are with her, which is a feminine trait.

You might hold her hand, for her to be secure, and to take care of her. Which is a masculine trait.

 

Its all a matter of how you do things.

[somedude81]

I'd go crazy if I had a girlfriend that wouldn't let me hold hands while walking, watching movies etc.

 

My love language is physical touch and I need that contact to feel loved and happy.

 

It doesn't sound like her love language is touch.

 

Perhaps both of you should read the book The 5 Love Languages to figure out how you two can come together.

[Els]

Your gf thinks it's 'gay' and 'feminine' for a guy to... hold hands with his girlfriend? That goes beyond just incompatible love languages or someone who isn't into PDA. It sounds like a hangup that could possibly also affect other aspects of the relationship.

 

Personally I love holding hands. We do it all the time. But during dinner would be challenging though, do you reach all the way under the table?

[OwMyEyeball]

Feminine? Gay?

 

So it's OK for her to hold your hand, right? But you can't hold it back. Somehow you have to hover hold. Schrodinger's Affection.

 

I don't know what to make of that. I'm all about not just holding hands, but just holding my partner in my arm while we stroll about.

 

I take it she's just uncomfortable with public displays of affection and hasn't really found the right words to describe that.

[OwMyEyeball]

Like everything else, The devil is in the details.

 

You might hold her hand to show people that you are with her, which is a feminine trait.

You might hold her hand, for her to be secure, and to take care of her. Which is a masculine trait.

 

Its all a matter of how you do things.

And you might hold each other's hands for the affectionate connection. Which is a basic human desire.

[GemmaUK]

Saying it's gay or feminine makes me wonder whether perhaps you search her hand out a bit too often...maybe?

Or maybe she isn't into PDA very much.

 

I like holding hands but I've had a few problems with it in the past.

 

Namely practicality and comfort but also a guy who would get very offended if I took my hand out of his.

 

These are some of the things that have happened with me and hand holding:

Some of them are actually pretty funny so I thought I would share.

 

He sits on my right while we are eating and holds my hand - he is right handed so he is able to manouvre his fork with his right hand but due to him sitting on my right he wants to hold my right hand and I am right handed too - I'm not very good with a fork in my left hand and said I needed my right hand to eat.

He promptly released my right hand only to grab my left hand and pull my arm over so my left hand was on his lap.

I had to explain that this was really uncomfortable as I was all twisted round and could he please just let me eat my meal and wait to hold my hand until after.

 

In a big crowd of people and walking through that crowd - he is in front. I understand that he wanted to 'look after' me but when you're walking through a big crowd people only see the big guy walking in front and so they crash into the tiny person behind him.

He was only looking in front so didn't believe that I was getting crashed into and stepped upon.

 

He is walking beside me along a street, we get to a lampost or an obstruction or a person and instead of doing what I would do and move and make room for us 'both' to walk side by side or to release hands so we can walk in single file I am faced with said lampost/obstruction/person and have to fall back and walk sideways to avoid it - he doesn't slow down at all so I end up getting y arm half pulled out of it's socket and dragged along....this is even worse and more tricky to negotiate in high heels!

 

At the movies - there is always some what of a scrap to get use of the arm rest - I just always let the guy have it while I use the other one.

He is a guy and has much longer arms than me..plus he is using the arm rest so his arm is elevated.

He grabs my hand and pulls it into him so I end up having my arm stretched backwards over his arm....flippin' uncomfy for an entire film!

Another thing that has happened is he wants to hold my hand while his is hanging off the end of the arm rest - my little arm cannot reach that far without sitting forward....for a whole 2 hours!

 

I've experienced the guy who will leave a shop/venue and start walking just ahead of me and pull his coat sleeve up with his other hand and have his hand open and waiting for me to take it as he walks along...which is fine...except that he wouldn't wait until I had put away my coin purse or wouldn't notice that I was carrying all the bags in both my hands.

 

Then the one who gave me a look as if I was about to end the relationship because I released my hand to scratch my nose or get my hair out of my face while I had my other hand full with bags or a suitcase.

 

Sometimes it just isn't practical.

Be considerate of your girlfriends guys! Being considerate isn't always holding her hand...sometimes it's not holding her hand!

I chose to post these up as I hear these stories all the time from female friends..like me these women do speak up...but we find ourselves speaking up time and again with the same guy and having to explain why exactly we don't want to/can't hold your hand right at this moment.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I may not seem like the type by looks/behavior or beyond a pretty stoic and sarcastic general demeanor, but I'm a level 10 cuddler and affectionate aficionado...if there is such a thing.

 

I would kick your girlfriend to the curb in a heartbeat if I had your problem on my hands.

 

The thing is, even being the way I am; passionate about even the stupidest of things, I still haven't had any problems in this area...don't get me wrong, I definitely expected to have issues with compatibility but It was either something people adjusted to without much bother to try and change...or maybe I just don't go overboard and overkill with it.

 

I like light PDA such as hand holding, head on shoulder, back/shoulder massages (I like to give them, I don't like them though), kissing and other affectionate behavior that is just being very "normal" for me, I like being general close to the other person. As far as groping, french kissing, or any other unsightly behavior that nobody else really wants to see I save that for mostly privacy...maybe a sneaky little ass grab/squeeze but other than that I'm not sucking on ti...If I do anything naughty, it's not where anyone else can see.

 

Anyway...If I were you I'd be suspicious based on MY EXPERIENCE, knowing that I'm not one to just sit there like a zombie and pretend that person I'm sitting next to that I'm with, could be my sister or my best friend...personally I don't get how people enjoy that, I see couples sit together and hardly even act like they are together...I'll never for the life of me understand what women even see in guys like that who can't express themselves. I guess we're as weird to each other on opposite sides of the spectrum.

 

Which brings to us masculinity....well, unfortunately that's a miss too, you'd have a hard time looking at me and thinking "gay", let alone feeling confident enough to call me that...I like the oldschool more manly type of men rather than the current metrosexual/hipster and all of that...I'm pretty solid on the masculinity area.

 

Maybe your problem is you're just more into her than she is into you, maybe she doesn't respect you as a man having the ovaries to call you gay, feminine and unflattering. It's one thing not to like it, which I GUESS i understand but I couldn't live like that personally...it's a big deal to me, a definite deal-breaker.

 

Keep in mind, I don't do these things in a needy or with love struck eyes desperate for attention kind of thing, like marking my territory because I'm not jealous or insecure...it's not uncommon for me to reach over the table to grab her hand or even kiss her hand...it's not a big deal for me, it just happens and it feels appropriate, I'm not necessarily gushing or trying to prove something with PDA to the world or other guys or girls for that matter, so your overall behavior can be cast in an entirely different light due to your other behavior as well.

 

This very much describes me, apart from the fact that I am actually a woman.

 

I could not be together with someone who is not physically affectionate. I would feel like a plant who does not get enough water.

 

I am not someone who constantly gets physical with friends and acquaintances but if I am in love, I need to touch my partner. A lot.

In my last relationship I was with someone who was like that as well (unfortunately he was also a liar and a cheater so it did not say all) and I loved that aspect of our relationship. I'm sure he loved it as well.

 

Sometimes I think this need for affection might have something to do with my very cold upbringing. I sometimes begged my parents for cuddles but they did not want to give them.

As soon as I am in a relationship, I try to catch up and I can never get enough.

[FitChick]

You might hold her hand to show people that you are with her, which is a feminine trait.

You might hold her hand, for her to be secure, and to take care of her. Which is a masculine trait.

.

Do you really think any onlookers will know the difference or even care?

 

What is this woman like in bed? Missionary position with the lights off?

[me85]

This would almost be a deal breaker for me, because I am such a love bug! I just nibble away at my guy. I love being affectionate. Not gross affectionate (throwing tongues down each other's throats) but the stuff you're talking about...Sweet and innocent stuff.

 

I love holding hands and kissing on the cheek, giving pecks on the lips, hugging on one another...

 

Damn. I really miss that. /=

[Elias33]

I think this is more about the attitude of your girlfriend. Wow. Not wanting to hold hands with you because people may think you're a couple? I think there is more to it.

[Trane]

This would almost be a deal breaker for me, because I am such a love bug! I just nibble away at my guy. I love being affectionate. Not gross affectionate (throwing tongues down each other's throats) but the stuff you're talking about...Sweet and innocent stuff.

 

I love holding hands and kissing on the cheek, giving pecks on the lips, hugging on one another...

 

Damn. I really miss that. /=

 

She could totally do without all of it. She does flip a switch behind closed doors, somewhat.

[purplesoccer34]

In my last relationship, my ex was significantly more affectionate than I was. He was all about PDA, while I was uncomfortable with too much of it. It didn't help that I was the shyer and more reserved one too, so being too physically affectionate was not really my thing. However, holding hands never bothered me, and I think it's strange that your girlfriend would call it gay, feminine and unflattering. I used to love it when my ex just randomly reached out to grab my hand.

 

Everybody's different. In the end, this difference is just one of the reasons that my ex and I broke up. If you can talk about it and come to an agreement about this, that's great. Try to do that if possible.

 

Or she might end up changing lol. After breaking up with my ex, I realized how much more affectionate I became. I craved hugs from people. Now that I'm dating someone new, I'm realizing how important physical affection is to me. My ex definitely changed me in that sense. The same thing could happen to your girlfriend.

[lino]

I've experienced similar behaviour and just don't offer that affection any more.

 

It's just another double standard you have to learn to deal with.

Turn down their acts of affection and you're 'cold', 'unromantic', 'uncaring', etc.

 

Extend your own acts of affection and you're 'femminine', 'gay', etc.

 

Lose/lose either way

[90s kid]

My love language is physical touch and I need that contact to feel loved and happy.

 

Perhaps both of you should read the book The 5 Love Languages to figure out how you two can come together.

 

 

Agree. Touch is my top love language too. I need affection through hugs, hand holding, etc to feel cared for. Sounds like she is the opposite. I think doing the love language test together is a good idea.

[Els]

I've experienced similar behaviour and just don't offer that affection any more.

 

It's just another double standard you have to learn to deal with.

Turn down their acts of affection and you're 'cold', 'unromantic', 'uncaring', etc.

 

Extend your own acts of affection and you're 'femminine', 'gay', etc.

 

Lose/lose either way

 

Or maybe, if it bothers you, you should date women who DON'T think that a physically affectionate man is 'feminine' and 'gay'?

 

This 'double standard' is not something that exists for a large part of the female population. Lots of us have men who are affectionate - and, believe it or not, we actually like it! And reciprocate! Gasp.

 

I've never heard of physical affection towards a woman making a man 'gay' in her eyes, until I came to LS.

[Assasda]

Do you really think any onlookers will know the difference or even care?

 

What is this woman like in bed? Missionary position with the lights off?

 

Onlookers? who cares about onlookers?

His girlfriend is the one who cares.

 

And, I think he could be showing his affection in a feminine way, which is a legit concern for his girlfriend