Didn't know I was the Other Woman

[peaksandvalleys]

If it was about self preservation, there wouldn't have been an affair.

 

If the concern was STDs, I'd know that I have none so the chance you'd have gotten any because of our affair together would be slim-to-none, making not an excuse for telling. Saying that somebody else he might have slept with might have one, that's really reaching honestly. It doesn't involve you either as the other person. It involves him and that OW, but not you. If you wouldn't reach out to every other suspected OW and say "he's cheating with me and other people, he could have STDs," you wouldn't reach out to the wife and tell her the same. And if the complaint is that you could have gotten one, there's no scenario out there where I'd ever care if my husband's cheating on the girl he's cheating with would have gotten her an STD and I still don't care from hearing about her or it or the affair.

 

 

We can all only draw from our own experiences. Mine an OW with multiple affair partners. I and her ex are both exposed to STD's. We both have children to care for. We both have additional health issues that are of concern to us. We agree to disagree.

[whichwayisup]

So if a former coworker of my husband came to me and said my husband was presenting himself as single man, they were dating, and they were planning to get married, and she was one in a string of women who he's dated, one of a few things would happen:

 

First thing, I'd think she is lying about not knowing he was married. She knew where to find me, she was a co-worker of my husband, other co-workers know he's married, and she managed to find me to tell me rather easily, so right off the bat, I have a suspicion about her lying, at the very least, lying about being unwittingly in an affair as opposed to a knowing participant. Then, I'd ask my husband. Almost certainly he'd say he didn't know who she was, or he did know but she was a crazy woman who's been bothering him. Maybe he'd even say the transfer/demotion was so he could get away from her, if he was smart. Then maybe she'd get an email back letting her know that she was nuts, I'd block her, and then deal with the trust issues that have now arisen as a result of this revelation from somebody I have no reason to think is anything but one of my husband's discontent subordinate from work. So now she's either out of sight, out of mind, and that's it. Or, if she doesn't take to being blocked and still reaches out, now I know she's crazy and I believe almost nothing she says.

 

Or maybe I confront him, me still thinking she's kind of loopy, and he admits he's having an affair. Now I have a woman who he's had an affair with who I think is out for revenge because their relationship soured because, again, there's no way I'm going to believe in any of these scenarios that she didn't know. So now I've not just got the cheating husband, but the crazy ex affair partner I have to deal with. I'll be wondering if I have to get a restraining order, which if she contacts me again, I'd consider, or if she's going to vanish into the night making the whole thing disruptive to my life and confusing. If I get a divorce, I'm going to hammer her with lawyers, legal action, and if necessary force her to participate in the divorce process so I can declare fault and get any restitution I'm owed. Finding her even if she vanishes won't be hard, if I'm easy to track down, so is she. And at no point would I be saying "Gosh, I'm so grateful she told me this. My life is so much better and easier now as a result of this information." And while I'd be undoubtedly making her life hell and very probably adding to her life stress and financial burdens and maybe even unintentionally ruining her reputation, I wouldn't care. She wants to involve herself, I'll go ahead and make sure she stays involved.

 

Or, the third and most likely scenario... He has his own place, an unstable job, and is gone all the time. He's openly cheated with other people at work, is a serial dater, and even with the girls he cheats with, he cheats on. I already know he's cheating, either I don't care or we're otherwise not invested with each other, and I could really give two craps about the lady who's calling me after the relationship soured ratting him out over what I know he does already. My interest in the girl who's telling me "for my own good" what he's doing so she can have a "clean conscious" is just another in a long string, I don't care she's upset over the relationship ending, and if she's coming to me for vindication she won't find it.

 

In all scenarios, her doing it for my own good would never enter my mind. I'd think they had a fight, they broke up, whatever the case may be, and so now she's getting back at him by hitting his easy weak spot... Me as the wife. I would never buy the woman who had no problem keeping a secret while it was an affair is now so morally driven that she just has to tell me. I'd think it's selfish trying to remove her own guilt or revenge. I'd think that it makes no sense you cared so much about my feelings that you have to tell me now that it's over, but had no problem not telling me while it was on... Because again, in no scenario as the wife in this am I ever going to believe she didn't know.

 

 

 

We still don't know the wife is being duped. He is openly cheating and his marital status as well as his status as somebody who gets around is well known. Even if we look to this poster who said she was planning to marry him, she said she suspected he was cheating, even found pictures. It wasn't until one of their mutual friends said that he was married that she ended the relationship. So she passively was acknowledging that he cheats on her too without changing life plans and future goals with him either. Who knows if the wife doesn't feel the same?

 

And even if she doesn't, I'm not convinced that telling her has anything to do with her own good and not getting back at him by attacking the only thing she has left to attack, the wife. The general consensus seems to be that she's innocent, so exacting control on him by going after the uninvolved wife, like I said, it seems like revenge. It's a move that you know will have the potential to ruin the marriage, ruin her pregnancy and the enjoyment of the birth of their child, and if it's delivered at work, her job and her reputation as well. It's not something to be considered as lightly as people here are, and certainly not something that will likely be met with praise and thank yous for improving her marital life by giving her information under the pretense it's for her own good, but ultimately is done with the hopes that she'll see her husband is a jerk.

 

You're twisting this, putting your own spin on it, the truth of her situation as she knows it has been presented. She wants to tell his wife. His wife deserves to know the truth so she can make an informed decision about her marriage.

 

As for the rest of what you said, possible what if's if your H cheated on you, does it really matter how the message was delivered to you? FACT still would remain the same, your H cheated on you. Or would you rather be kept in the dark and go on like your H is only with you and nobody else.

 

Anyway, enough of thread jacking and taking this off topic. This thread shouldn't turn into a debate whether she should tell or not tell. My apologies to you loveless, I will stick to replying only to your posts to help and give support.

[Lovemesomehim]

So you invested all this time with a man you barely knew?

[Redheaded Mistress]

You're twisting this, putting your own spin on it, the truth of her situation as she knows it has been presented. She wants to tell his wife. His wife deserves to know the truth so she can make an informed decision about her marriage.

 

I didn't put my own spin. Somebody asked me if I would want to know, I explained what would happen if I was told.

 

While she hasn't stated it she does or doesn't want to tell his wife, I think at this point it's unwise. I've stated why. I'm not thinking right now that telling his wife comes from any other place beyond hurt at the situation she finds herself in, and I'm sure that's how it'll be interpreted.

 

As for the rest of what you said, possible what if's if your H cheated on you, does it really matter how the message was delivered to you? FACT still would remain the same, your H cheated on you. Or would you rather be kept in the dark and go on like your H is only with you and nobody else.

 

How it's delivered does matter. I wouldn't want to get a message at work. If one does make the unwise decision to tell right now, you could at least try to deliver what could be potentially a life-changing and devastating blow to a woman who's pregnant in a way that preserves her dignity and doesn't make a spectacle of the situation.

 

If it's delivered, if it's delivered in a sloppy way just adds insult to injury and, depending on how it's done, undermines the "I feel guilty" or "I felt you deserved to know for your own benefit" angle. If it's delivered in a public place, if it's done bluntly, if it's done wrong, it has the potential to make it look like it's vicious, the other woman is a coward, or a combination of both.

 

Would I want to be told if my husband had an affair? Sure. But I'd want to hear it from him, not the woman who he had an affair with. As somebody who's been there, done that, I do not buy into the former other woman suddenly having an epiphany and needing to tell me to get it off her chest or do right by me. If my best interest were what she wanted, she'd have not had the affair. And in this situation, I wouldn't buy (and I'm actually not totally buying personally) that the OW in this situation didn't know or at least suspect. Everybody around him knew, finding information on his wife (her FB, where she works) was easy, but she didn't know? She's getting ready to marry the guy supposedly, but he thought she was cheating and didn't confront him? Something isn't clicking.

 

Anyway, enough of thread jacking and taking this off topic. This thread shouldn't turn into a debate whether she should tell or not tell. My apologies to you loveless, I will stick to replying only to your posts to help and give support.

 

It's not off topic that I disagree with what a majority of what is said by what are apparently betrayed spouses... We were discussing if telling her or not telling her is wise based off of her trying to decide if that's what she wants to do, I laid out some very clear reasons why telling her isn't a good idea. I'm genuinely confused how that's off-topic.

Edited September 22, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[Redheaded Mistress]

We can all only draw from our own experiences. Mine an OW with multiple affair partners. I and her ex are both exposed to STD's. We both have children to care for. We both have additional health issues that are of concern to us. We agree to disagree.

 

I still just don't think it's up to the people around you to save you from your marriage. So yes, agree to disagree I guess.

[Loveless77]

Let me correct you so that you can get the facts straight!!! I stated that I say the pictures Thursday, which happen to be the same day I confronted him. Not a moment before. Next time ask if your unsure. Don't assume

[Loveless77]

So it is about self preservation? I don't understand that either. I had children who needed their mother. Having me exposed to something that increased my chances of not being with them for as long as I could was okay as long as their in no more entanglement, goal meeting, messiness, stress, retaliation, involvement or whatever else it should be called. As if exposing someone to STD's isn't shoving them into oncoming traffic without warning. Not telling me did not stop any of the things you listed from happening but it did increase the severity of what happened.

 

You probably should read more carefully. I didn't know about the pictures before hand. Thanks!

[goodyblue]

I generally do not believe in disclosure, but this is the second time in as many threads that I am going to say that in my opinion disclosure here is necessary. It's probable that his wife thinks he works out of town, perhaps goes home on weekends, etc. and thinks things are blissful. She's expecting their baby, is happily (maybe in her eyes, I don't know) married, their future looks bright, and here he is being a tool. With lots of women.

 

And OP, what a horribly tragic story. I was OW, but I KNEW that I was, and it didn't go on for half the time your relationship did. I'm so sorry. That's got to be just horrible.

 

I hope so much that you can move on from this without being horribly jaded. There are good men out there that don't do this kind of thing. I just feel terrible about this and he needs his a$$ handed to him.

 

For me, even with all the above, the biggest thing is that she is pregnant and he is putting her and that little baby at risk by being a selfish *****. I hope so much that she is okay and I feel that in this case, it would be in her best interest to let her know. And please, NOT at work. Do as others have suggested, send her a message and make sure to include that she needs to speak with you when she is not at work. My heart just aches for both of you.

 

Chin up, this is NOT your fault.

[goodyblue]

I still just don't think it's up to the people around you to save you from your marriage. So yes, agree to disagree I guess.[/quote

I am not going to disagree with this. Normally I am against disclosure but in this instance, with OP being in the dark for years and the wife being pregnant, she just has to out him. Then if the wife stays, she stays. I knew I was OW. OP is I innocent in this.

[peaksandvalleys]

You probably should read more carefully. I didn't know about the pictures before hand. Thanks!

 

My post wasn't addressed to you.

[the_artist_1970]

I was a BS and I wish that all OW would tell the W. The W deserves to know the truth and the MM usually doesn't tell. Why so many OW don't tell is beyond me. Most wives don't want to share their husbands with another woman. If the OW told the cheater would be forced to choose.

 

I am confused about you meeting his mother and she knew her son was M. What???

[jellybean89]

Well one of the coworkers was from the same town he was from and she worked with him their, when the company expanded they relocated him and made him an administrator, so she knew all about his lying and deception. We never told about our relationship, Im a private person and I guess that was what he wanted.

There were rumors that he was sleeping with other co-workers, including my former boss (who was married as well and eventually became pregnant). I did notice that they were always going to lunch together, working late together and hanging out together. Shutting the office door.

He did admit to sleeping with one of the former co-workers way before we got together, but only because I had to many details and the girl talked to much (to other co-workers and told).

 

I'm just hoping that one of the others that is in his hometown, tells her about his doggish ways. I have a feeling that she has been through this before though

 

So you wondered if he was sleeping with your former boss...how long ago was this?

 

As for your assumption that the wife has been through this before, where do you get that assumption from??? You claim you were going to marry him, and for 2 years you had no idea he had a wife and a kid. Obviously he saw his wife often since he got her pregnant again!

 

So for 2 years, you saw no sign of his marriage or cheating, yet he was cheating with 8 others? You say you have no idea where his wife lives, it you know where she works? Didn't you say former co workers live in his hometown? How did you find her on Facebook if you didn't know about her?

[Loveless77]

I got a name and typed it in. The background of her profile was a picture of them together. Anymore questions?? Don't come for me being hateful. I'm having a hard enough time.

[jacg89]

Thank god that you know the truth now and not a few years from now! You can now move on and get your life started again!

(I had the exact same situation about 3 years ago.... At work I met this guy, worked there for 5 years... we were together for almost 4 years. it was a very casual relationship but had high hopes for the future. At the end of our relationship, I found out that he had a wife, which he had an open relationship with, and another girlfriend, whom we both worked with at one point. I was heartbroken and devestated. he was the "man" of my dreams.

now, i literally get sick to my stomach just thinking about him. I don't even find him attactive anymore!) my point here... you will move on eventually. You will find someone who makes you happy sooner rather than later. Even though it does not feel that way now.

About 3 years ago, I broke up with my ex. Soon after, I moved in with my grandmother. I ended up hitting it off bigtime with her upstairs neighbor.. We have been married since July. Ever since I started hanging out with him, he gives me ALL of him. I never have any suspicions or worries (unlike my ex), and I honestly didnt know that I could love somebody so much.

I thought that I was in love with my ex before, but it really doesn't compare to the love that you feel for somebody when you have found "the one" FOR YOU.

this guy isn't for you... the best is still yet to come! promise

 

 

MY ADVICE TO YOU PLEASE find a way to contact his wife. she has no idea that her husband is living a double life. She trusts him, and is being disrespected. Don't you remember what it feels like to be lied to? Aren't you happy that you know now, and that it is over with?? That you do not have to share 1 man with 8 other women?? This woman deserves to know who she is really married to... Wouldn't you want to know? You never have to speak to either of them ever again... just tell her the truth. It is the right thing to do.