shamen Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 Hi all, I'm back to the dating scene again after 6 years in 2 long term relationships. God, it's weird. I'm currently hanging out with a guy who's been in pornos, but he doesn't do them anymore (I just like to call him the porno star ). Here's a link to my original thread on him and my conundrum about whether or not to even date him: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t45922 So, we've gone out on 3 dates now and he's a lot of fun. Smart, beautiful and funny. I like him a lot. He's obviously had more sexual partners than I can even imagine having, though. It kinda freaks me out, to be honest. It's not like I'm virginal, by any stretch of the imagination, as I've had way more partners than the average joe or joan, for that matter. Not proud of it, it's just the way it is. I'm trying not to think about this stuff when I'm hanging out with him. How could I ever feel like sex would be good for him when I'm just a regular girl? I've got to get over this or I'm not going to enjoy having sex with the boy because I'll be worrying about what he thinks too much. I'm not in this dating thing with him for a long term relationship... totally not ready. I just want to have some fun with people right now. So, help me out, how can I not be nervous about the potential sex? The kissing and other stuff so far has been awesome, but I am a little intimidated by his past. Don't worry about the protection issue. That's an absolutely necessary. And yes, he's been tested recently.
Beth Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 You don't have to jump into having sex with him yet. Dating does not have to include sex. Enjoy the companionship for a while first. Get your self confidence back in other areas of your life first. If for some reason he, or other guys you date, insist on sex or they won't date you -- then they are not worth your time and effort. Three dates is not a lot and, in my opinion, way too soon to have sex. When you are ready, talk to him about it. If he's been in pornographic films then he will probably be more understanding of your feelings and will help to put you at ease. Sex isn't a competition.
moimeme Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 You have to remember that your feelings about your sex partner are what make the experience memorable. Sure he had heaps o' sex, but how many of those women was he in love with? If you're just out for a roll in the hay, then whether or not you 'measure up' ought not matter at all. Not sure why you'd care. If you're only out 'for fun' and he drops you because of your performance in the sack, what's the loss? OTOH, if you think you're going to fall for this guy, you might want to hold off a bit on the sex simply because it'll bond you more and if he doesn't feel the same you'll be hurt. I rather suspect that despite your claims you only want 'fun', you're finding him a possible candidate for more than that. 'Smart, beautiful and funny' is high praise for someone you just want to have fun with, IMHO.
tokyo Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 Honestly, because he had so many I wouldn't worry. As he had so many it will be much easier, statistically, to end up in the largest group of average lovers. I'm not kidding here I also would expect him after so much experience to be able to turn any lousy lover into a great lover.
Author shamen Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 Originally posted by Beth You don't have to jump into having sex with him yet. Dating does not have to include sex. Enjoy the companionship for a while first. Get your self confidence back in other areas of your life first. If for some reason he, or other guys you date, insist on sex or they won't date you -- then they are not worth your time and effort. Three dates is not a lot and, in my opinion, way too soon to have sex. When you are ready, talk to him about it. If he's been in pornographic films then he will probably be more understanding of your feelings and will help to put you at ease. Sex isn't a competition. I know that I don't have to jump into having sex with him right now. But, I'm definitely thinking about it. It probably is too soon to have sex, but I'd also like to not have the last guy that I had sex with to be my exbf. Terrible, terrible, I know, I know. (I just reread my original post: we're both adults here. He's 27 and I'm 35.) I am afraid to talk to him about this nervousness, I'm such a dork. It's just that I don't want to put myself too out there emotionally for anyone right now. I'm still healing from my last relationship (I've been in therapy for 4 months or so now). The self confidence thing is an interesting thing to bring up. I didn't think about that as an issue, but you're right, I guess it still is a little low after my last relationship. Speeding time at the gym and with my friends has been awesome and has been helping. Hi Moi, You are completely right that feelings about a sex partner are what makes the experience memorable, but I don't know that I really want to have any feelings like that about a guy right now. Am I out for a roll in the hay? Maybe. That's the way I started looking at it when he recontacted me. We've emailed a bunch when we got together originally back in August and we've talked on the phone a bunch in the last month and a half or so. Now, yeah, I do like the guy. But I don't want to like him too much. Good point, "smart, beautiful and funny" is high praise for a guy that I just want to have fun with. I do not want to think of him as a possible candidate because I'm not ready for all that. I'm so out of practice with dating! UGH!
Author shamen Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 Originally posted by kooky Honestly, because he had so many I wouldn't worry. As he had so many it will be much easier, statistically, to end up in the largest group of average lovers. I'm not kidding here I also would expect him after so much experience to be able to turn any lousy lover into a great lover. Good points, Kooky! Leave it to you to bring up the statistics. I'll keep that in mind. It's not that I think that I'm a lousy lover, I'm just intimidated by his amount of experience...
tokyo Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 I didn't say you are a lousy lover, this is just the worst case. I think to know that he has been with a lot of lovers would reassure me that nothing bad can really surprise him and with time he has probably managed to find ways to make women less worried, more relaxed, more whatever. You can't embarrass him or yourself with anything anymore - he has seen it all. So, don't worry too much Moi is right, young, beautiful, smart - that sounds good. If you don't want him, can I have him? Just kidding
johan Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 I think, because he's probably so skilled, you should just lay there and let him do all the work. I'd think you wouldn't hardly have to move a muscle. Let him roll you over when it's time, and then back when it's time. If two dimensions isn't what he wants, he'll prop you up. Make some noises if you think that's what he wants. Be completely passive and take it like a lady. I think that's good advice. Anyone agree with me?
moimeme Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 I think that's good advice. Anyone agree with me ? You're just jealous because she's talking about this 'smart, beautiful, fun' guy I am afraid to talk to him about this nervousness I bet he'd think it was endearing if you did. I bet it would also make for major fireworks for you I do not want to think of him as a possible candidate because I'm not ready for all that. Oh yeah. LOL. That always works. I'm thinking that ship is on its way away from the dock, my friend. How many people have managed to fall for someone on schedule and in full realization of its happening? You usually start falling before you realize it and as someone becomes dearer and dearer to you, you are actually falling harder without intending to. Maybe you'll uncover a fatal flaw and you'll be saved. It'd be much easier to 'just have fun' with someone who could never be a candidate for more, I imagine, though I haven't tried it. However until you do, I doubt you'll be able to tell your heart to not let him in. Hearts are notorious for not listening to heads
johan Posted March 7, 2005 Posted March 7, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme You're just jealous because she's talking about this 'smart, beautiful, fun' guy I'll try harder not to be so transparent. And for the record, I DO have a problem with refering to a guy as "beautiful". Please. As far as being insecure about bedroom performance with Mr. Beautiful, I hope you can have faith in yourself, shamen. I'm sure he isn't after a night of cameras and rapidly shifting positions that don't feel as good as they look. He just wants to be with you. But don't be surprised if he needs you to yell "Action" when you start. And "That's a wrap!" when it's over. One advantage: he should be perfectly fine with you stopping him in the middle of the "scene" to give him a little direction. And if you don't like his or your performance, he should be up for several takes. Look at the bright side! This is a guy you can work with.
Author shamen Posted March 7, 2005 Author Posted March 7, 2005 Originally posted by johan I think, because he's probably so skilled, you should just lay there and let him do all the work. I'd think you wouldn't hardly have to move a muscle. Let him roll you over when it's time, and then back when it's time. If two dimensions isn't what he wants, he'll prop you up. Make some noises if you think that's what he wants. Be completely passive and take it like a lady. I think that's good advice. Anyone agree with me? LMAO! Yeah, just laying there will go over reallll well... NOT. I'm not much of a just lay there kinda gal. Action and that's a wrap! Giving him some direction, hmm, I think that I already do this anyway! It'll be a little more challenging to do it with the porno star as I've had sex with the same guy for the last 4 years, but I think that I will eventually stop being a little self conscious. Just give it a little time, eh? What's wrong with calling a guy beautiful? He IS beautiful.
Author shamen Posted March 7, 2005 Author Posted March 7, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme I bet he'd think it was endearing if you did. I bet it would also make for major fireworks for you Oh yeah. LOL. That always works. I'm thinking that ship is on its way away from the dock, my friend. How many people have managed to fall for someone on schedule and in full realization of its happening? You usually start falling before you realize it and as someone becomes dearer and dearer to you, you are actually falling harder without intending to. Maybe you'll uncover a fatal flaw and you'll be saved. It'd be much easier to 'just have fun' with someone who could never be a candidate for more, I imagine, though I haven't tried it. However until you do, I doubt you'll be able to tell your heart to not let him in. Hearts are notorious for not listening to heads So, you think that it would be endearing to tell him that I'm intimidated? He'd probably just think that I was being wimpy or silly or something. OK, so you're probably right that in the grand scheme of things it's hard to say, "Yeah, I'm not going to have any big feelings for this person." I just want to more careful this time around, rather than get myself into something that turns out to be yucky. Please don't tell me that that ship has left the dock!!! Falling for someone on schedule; don't think that I've ever done that. Nope. It just happens, you're oh so right. Fatal flaw. Hmm. Haven't seen it yet. Maybe I will be saved. Right now I don't want to find it though. Hi Kooky, Maybe you're right. He probably has done lots to make women feel more comfortable... You're right, he has seen it all, so why be embarrassed? I'm sure that time will just make me get over this silly fear I have.
Author shamen Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 OK, so, umm, we've had sex now. I do have feelings, contrary to what I wanted. I'm just going to let all of this part of it be. Not get so worked up about it. The first time was really good. He made me feel oh so yummy about the whole experience. Second time it was a little awkward (him seeing me without makeup for the first time, my apartment, and me wearing, ack, a robe). Since then I've just spent the night a couple of times with no sex for various reasons. But god, am I looking forward to the next time. I think that I may have calmed down enough about the whole fear thing that I will be able to just enjoy it without thinking about the fact that this guy has been in pornos. It's starting to not be at the forefront of my thoughts when we're fooling around, thank god.
moimeme Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 I do have feelings, contrary to what I wanted. There's a surprise It was already too late when you posted anyway. Good luck with it!
tokyo Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Well, good job girl. And remember good porn stars are hard to find, try to keep him.
Author shamen Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 Thanks for the thoughts ladies! OK, you're right, Moi. I think that I have to admit that it was already too late. Good job? Kooky! It's kind of funny how I'm starting to not think about him as "the porno star" anymore. He's just becoming "(his name)." Whoo hoo! I'll keep you updated as to how it goes.
FolderWife Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 OMG! What's his name!? I want to watch his movies!!! WOO HOOO!
Author shamen Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 I am NOT telling! Sorry ladies... Suffice to say he is 6'3" and completely yummy. All over. Everywhere...
tokyo Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 And it took you sooo long to find this out, shame on you. When was your first date again?
Author shamen Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 Originally posted by kooky And it took you sooo long to find this out, shame on you. When was your first date again? I know, I know. But if we count the first date back in August... Sorry Monday... Can't do it. He's too much of a sweetie, and that would be oh so wrong.
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