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Posted

Here's what I think will happen: pretty soon you'll start noticing all your friends getting engaged and married, working for things together with their husbands, traveling, and having wonderful, happy families. This guy is nowhere near able to do those things for you and you'll start to resent him by comparison.

OP, please read this - and print it out and keep it for several years - and then come back to us and tell us we were all wrong...

 

Likely scenario will be that we were all right; he will still be working at a grocery store, smoking lots and lots of weed, have no ambition, and be unable to be the house-husband you think will suffice.

  • Like 1
Posted
If he's was 30 years old and was like this! I would called a loser, and wouldn't even give him a chance in hell, but since he's 20 years old... I can understand.

 

 

Why give him a pass ?? Do you not value yourself so much?

 

I wasnt a saint at that age, but I at least had ambition and didnt sit around getting high...

 

Lets put it this way....I have a daughter...Shes half your age, but if she was in your shoes....Id find a way to convince her to drop him like a.....errr....bad habit...

 

TFY

  • Like 3
Posted

OP, one factor to consider in your decision-making process which can impact you directly is whether or not his drug of choice is legal where you live. If it isn't, there is a small risk, generally, that you could be impacted by that factor.

 

I mention this, relevant to my prior statements about raising families while high, that the guy two doors down from me, who was married and with a young son who often spent a lot of time in my garage while I was working on my race car during college, ended up in jail for a couple years for using and growing in his back yard. I wouldn't have known if the young boy hadn't stopped coming around and I asked around to see if he was OK and found out.

 

Anyway, more of those adult decision things. Food for thought.

Posted

20 is still very young. OPs BF has plenty of time to "turn things around". At the same time, most folks would probably hold that he is a loser.

 

 

Frankly, it is probably better that he isn't going to college at this point. Working toward a "gen-ed" degree is a quick road to worthless debt. That assumes he even gets decent grades when he isn't even working for anything in particular.

 

 

At the same time, the problem you will likely eventually face is his lack of motivation. If he is content working a menial job, getting high, and playing video games, the fine. But don't expect to be able to make that to change.

He might eventually change on his own. But he might not.

 

 

So, you have to ask yourself, while your plenty young yourself, how important settling down is to you, and what you want out of marriage.

 

 

If you want to get married within the next few years, and you want to have a house, vacations, insurance, and a comfortable life, then you need to have some long talks with this guy ASAP. Such a conversation will reveal a lot about where he is at in regard to all of this.

  • Like 1
Posted

Having experienced the dichotomy of perspectives regarding the matter of 'a loser', I was humorously reminded of, on the one hand, the incomparable Jeff Spicolli's perspective on life at a young age and how that was perceived:

 

 

On the other hand, the rich kids I went to school with who had access to expensive drugs and tuition to private universities were 'cool'. Same activity, different perception, simply due to economics and perceived 'ambition'.

 

One of my childhood friends, probably my best friend until high school, turned into Jeff Spicolli and ended up living behind the gas station he worked at, off and on depending on his fortunes, for about twenty years. However, he was dashingly good-looking, ala Brad Pitt, and never lacked for female attention, and from a very early age (11-12). So, as with everything else in life, it depends. Outcomes can be unpredictable. It's certainly safer to play it safe and have a lot of rules. I know one outcome of that perspective personally, always being the 'play it safe' guy. I've seen plenty of outcomes of those who broke a lot of rules and have seen no particularly consistent results. Each outcome is unique.

Posted
Having experienced the dichotomy of perspectives regarding the matter of 'a loser', I was humorously reminded of, on the one hand, the incomparable Jeff Spicolli's perspective on life at a young age and how that was perceived:

 

 

On the other hand, the rich kids I went to school with who had access to expensive drugs and tuition to private universities were 'cool'. Same activity, different perception, simply due to economics and perceived 'ambition'.

 

One of my childhood friends, probably my best friend until high school, turned into Jeff Spicolli and ended up living behind the gas station he worked at, off and on depending on his fortunes, for about twenty years. However, he was dashingly good-looking, ala Brad Pitt, and never lacked for female attention, and from a very early age (11-12). So, as with everything else in life, it depends. Outcomes can be unpredictable. It's certainly safer to play it safe and have a lot of rules. I know one outcome of that perspective personally, always being the 'play it safe' guy. I've seen plenty of outcomes of those who broke a lot of rules and have seen no particularly consistent results. Each outcome is unique.

 

Ignorance is bliss....as they say...

 

I have a cousin that is also very good looking...He has been a life long pot smoker as well...It was cute when he was a kid and everyone thought it was just a phase...Now he's 45 and lives in his moms basement...Hes had relationships with women who take him for his looks and generally pleasant demeanor, but think they can "fix" him and turn him into a real man....

 

Hasnt worked yet, he just better hope his enabler of a mom continues to carry him....

 

TFY

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
My mother, along with my close few friends. They don't like him for me. He's 20. I'm 24 years. He does not have car. He does not go to college, and the kicker that makes him the "loser" is... he smokes lots and lots of weed.

 

He works at supermarket. He does have a driver license. He doesn't go to college because he HATES school, and doesn't know what exactly he wants to do in college

So in other words your 20 year-old bf does little in life, has no motivation at all (the very minimum required as anyone can work at any entry level job for years; there's nothing special about working at a supermarket unless you work your way on getting promoted) and on top of that smokes weed?

 

I'm sorry to be bringing the bad news but my parents and family members would probably be saying the same thing too. Just being in love and the ''It doesn't matter if everyone dislikes you, I'll fight for your love'' sometimes just isn't quite enough when it comes to worrying about other things in the future if you're even planning to one day marry someone.

 

As a poster suggested if you don't want to hear negative comments about your bf, it might be wise not to say personal things nor details about him. If it was only a couple friends not liking him ok but since it's everyone and even your mother, then maybe they might be seeing something you don't see.

Edited by dragon_fly_7
  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

If you were my friend or daughter than I would probably be saying the same thing, based on what I'm reading it sounds like he doesn't have much going for him at the moment. Perhaps he'll pull himself up, but I think he better get on it at this point in life. It is good that you love him; however, what if he doesn't change anytime soon, would you still be happy? Your parents are just looking out for you. From their perspective he's a loser. Sometimes loyalty and honesty just isn't enough. If you love him than ride the roller coaster and see what kind of loop it'll put you through.

 

 

It's quiet scary that you are mentioning kids in your post. It seems like you two are at different points in your lives. Your way ahead of him, why do you bother dragging a rusted wagon behind you? Don't you want someone whose passionate and motivated to better themselves? What if he's using you?

Edited by Gotpepsi
  • Like 1
Posted

IME, it's all all fun and games until a couple of years pass by and your friends start dropping by sporting rocks while your bf is still treating you to the value meal at Arby's on a Friday night.

  • Like 3
Posted
His parents smoked. His best friends smoked. There is nothing i can do the fact he smokes. He will always smoked... I accept this. I don't like smoking, so I don't do it.

 

The whole future mate... I do want him as my husband, when he's older. Right now I am thinking about me, and finishing college etc.

 

I know this is wrong to say, but if I am the "bread winner" in the relationship. Then let me be, as long he makes sure my house is clean, and the children are safe. I do not care.

 

It's a tough life being the only breadwinner. I speak from experience. You have no guarantee that he will keep the house clean. When young and in love, we think a guy will change, grow up, mature. They don't always. Some stay the same because that's the way they are happy being.

 

I mention the above only so that you can think about whether you do expect him to change or not and to say don't bank on it. As for being the main breadwinner, it's hellishly difficult if you have children, especially if your partner doesn't understand the need. Your guy works now so this is good, but don't bother having romantic ideals about doing it all yourself. There are guys who are willing to work hard and to share responsibilities. Believe me, this is the kind of guy a woman needs.

Posted (edited)

The guys sounds like your average 20 year old to me. Actually, probably above average because he has a JOB.

 

 

People automatically judge the pot because they like to rationalize their demonization of it with people who would be losers even without pot, yet they will conveniently ignore the people who smoke pot daily for decades and make plenty of money, with plenty of drive to climb the corporate ladder of life.

 

 

 

 

This guy is 20. There is literally nothing different about this guy and about 80 percent of the men his age. If you love him, you don't need anyone else's approval.

 

 

Not really sure what everyone expects of a 20 year old in 2014. His doctorate? Should he be a bysiness owner by now? An airline pilot?

Edited by Keenly
  • Like 1
Posted

People automatically judge the pot because they like to rationalize their demonization of it with people who would be losers even without pot, yet they will conveniently ignore the people who smoke pot daily for decades and make plenty of money, with plenty of drive to climb the corporate ladder of life.

 

Well, this guy isn't making "plenty of money," nor is he demonstrating "plenty of drive to climb the corporate ladder of life."

 

This guy is 20. There is literally nothing different about this guy and about 80 percent of the men his age. If you love him, you don't need anyone else's approval.

 

 

Not really sure what everyone expects of a 20 year old in 2014. His doctorate? Should he be a bysiness owner by now? An airline pilot?

 

80% of 20 year old guys work dead end jobs and smoke pot all day? No, not really. And, no, obviously no one would expect him to have his doctorate by now, but there's also no shortage of 20 year olds who are in college or working their way up in the world and thinking a bit more about the future than when they'll smoke up next.

  • Like 2
Posted

At the end of the day what matters is if you are happy with him or not.

  • Like 3
Posted

Sorry but he sounds like a loser... hopefully you'll grow out if this and eventually move On before it's too late.

Sorry for the honest feedback

  • Like 1
Posted
At the end of the day what matters is if you are happy with him or not.

 

Yes. Follow your own heart, and make your own mistakes. You have that privilege. If he turns out to be a "loser" you will make that judgement by yourself.

  • Like 2
Posted
The guys sounds like your average 20 year old to me. Actually, probably above average because he has a JOB.

 

 

People automatically judge the pot because they like to rationalize their demonization of it with people who would be losers even without pot, yet they will conveniently ignore the people who smoke pot daily for decades and make plenty of money, with plenty of drive to climb the corporate ladder of life.

 

 

 

 

This guy is 20. There is literally nothing different about this guy and about 80 percent of the men his age. If you love him, you don't need anyone else's approval.

 

 

Not really sure what everyone expects of a 20 year old in 2014. His doctorate? Should he be a bysiness owner by now? An airline pilot?

 

 

I don't care if people smoke pot or not. But let's be realistic. Maybe you know some CEO's that smoke pot every day but I don't. I have known people who lost their jobs after failing a drug test though. Because they smoked pot every single day.

  • Like 1
Posted

I have worked with yuppie types a lot in the past and many them not only smoke pot but many sniff coke. My former boss invited me to a high class rich people party and they were doing lines.

Posted

One in ten Americans show up to work high.

 

Now that's just a fun little fact! :)

  • Like 1
Posted
It's really, really started to pissed me off!

I don't think he is a loser.

 

My mother, along with my close few friends. They don't like him for me. He's 20. I'm 24 years. He does not have car. He does not go to college, and the kicker that makes him the "loser" is... he smokes lots and lots of weed.

 

I love him for his heart, and the way he makes me feel. I love for other tons of reasoning, but when i tell people this... they are..

"Will that paid for the bills?"

"How you gonna raised a family if he's too busy being high?"

 

He works at supermarket. He does have a driver license. He doesn't go to college because he HATES school, and doesn't know what exactly he wants to do in college...

 

I dunno...? When i told my closed friends and mom this information it wasn't so it can be constantly be thrown into my face over and over again. It's so frustrating.

 

Sorry OP, but it seems a bit naive to just love someone for "their heart", what does this even mean really? :confused:

 

How did you even find out about his heart?

 

Your bf may have a good heart, whatever that means to you, but your friends and family are right, not to call him a loser, but in the sense that "heart" alone is for Disney movies and not real life. Lots of people are nice with good hearts but doesn't mean they are good partners and if you for example were married with kids his good heart alone may not make up for the fact that he lacks in certain other ways.

 

Along with heart I need other things for a relationship - most people do. Or else, you will find yourself in the position of women who date men who are overgrown children, whom they support, whom they bail out of jail, who contribute nothing much to the relationship, who are really more like caring for an offspring than an EQUAL partner, but they stick with it on the basis of "He's nice...he has a good heart."

 

You must have other requirements besides "good heart"....I dunno seems like if you want someone with only a good heart but little else just adopt a puppy who will love you unconditionally but you essentially have to take care of it and it can never be an equal partner.

Posted (edited)

The weeding smoking is not really the main issue here...but the "lots and lots" of it coupled with the fact that he seems to be drifting along in life I'm sure is what is more alarming to her friends and family and not the fact that he smokes.

 

If he smoked lots and lots of weed but was in college working on a career they'd more than likely over look it because it would seem like his weed smoking isn't getting in the way of life. The fact is, lots of people stigmatize weed smokers, so at least if you're gonna smoke lots don't also be someone who seems like the typical slacker. I of course have friends who smoke a lot and so on but the main difference is while they may smoke they are also in graduate school or professional careers doing well so no one can call them a slacker. Weed also costs money esp if you're doing LOTS and lots of it...so if you have a low paying job it becomes concerning to folks how you support your habit or how you plan to in the future. I have no idea what the point is to compare successful, well-paid weed smokers with the OP's boyfriend when he is in NEITHER of those categories.... :confused:

 

Yes 20 is still very young but the idea that it's either chronic weed smoker who is drifting and working minimum wage OR CEO is ridiculous. Maybe I had an atypical life but at 20 most of my friends and I while we had the usual mistakes and such of our early 20s and the weed smoking, more or less we were all on the path to making something of ourselves. So it's really up to the OP and what she wants and is used to...at 20 I wouldn't have dated a guy who was smoking lots and lots of weed with little ambition and drifting...why? Because at 20 that wasn't me and I knew PLENTY of other guys who were filled with ambition. But not everyone cares about that so it's up to you OP and what you want. I mean frankly, at 24 I'd probably not be dating a guy who couldn't even drink legally, so that's also where we differ as even though it's just 4 years...at that age it makes a big difference. On the other hand a friend of mine is 25 and her boyfriend is 32 and while she is pursuing her Masters he works at the supermarket, has no license and smokes all the time....none of us understand how she can be happy...and in some ways she isn't but feels he will never leave her because he sees her as an upgrade, and I guess she likes his good heart too yet I can tell she isn't happy driving him everywhere and is sort of embarrassed to introduce him to people...but none of us criticize him or say anything to her about him though but she must be aware we're all thinking it.

Edited by MissBee
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