Threesome in her past bothers me

[Discjockey80]

What it is...is an adequacy issue.

 

 

Think about it. This woman did some wild sexual stuff with two men at once. I don't think its so much a matter of the OP being purposefully jealous or insecure. Its that on a base level...I think we all like to know that we are at least somewhat 'on par' with our partner sexually. Now, of course he need not be unreasonable about this. He can either live with it or not.

 

 

I believe its inherently wrong to 'conceal' your past which thus reveals your sexual tastes, from your partner/spouse (at least after the relationship is at that point). It can be enormously beneficial for sexual fulfillment in the relationship because it allows us to know our partners proclivities.

 

 

I guess the bigger question to the OP is...what is your sexual relationship like with her? Is it restricted and 'vanilla' or is it fairly uninhibited...feel good...free. That's what's going to reassure the OP more than anything. Whether she even cared for the threesome or not...it still speaks to her tendencies and her wiring in terms of what her sexual appetite can lead her to desire/do.

 

 

The OP needs to respond in a healthy way to this regardless.

[Jules Dash]

Well, if it bothers you, it bothers you. Nothing that can be done about that.

 

I'm baffled as to why you would think a threesome with two men is more appalling than prostitution though...

 

Lol@ the perpuation of thought that the OP's girfriend was a prostitute. As everyone keeps saying, she was not a prostitute. The OP was just using prostitution as an example.

[azureorb]

I realize it's a double standard. But I accept that.

 

But you don't, though. Otherwise, you wouldn't say:

 

I understand if a girl just needs to do it once to know the feeling and experience. But if you do, I really really suggest you never ever tell the person you are with, about it.

 

Instead, you Can't accept it personally, but you understand that it logically Should be acceptable... so as a result, just don't mention it. Lie if you have to, if a gal-pal brings it up in front of me, etc.

 

I understand where you're coming from. But realize this:

 

Is it so much better if you heard a story about her, say, banging her ex-bf on their last day of breaking up as a "last goodbye" during the day -- all the details of his hot pee-pee inside her and warming it up as he passionately kissed her?

 

And then a month later finding a guy at the bar she knew OF -- and they banged in the girl's bathroom and he shot it all over her face and she licked every drop up?

 

OK. Basically it's sexual adventures in General, you don't want to hear about. If it's not "Oh, I've only had sex with long-term boyfriends missionary that lasted 5 minutes a session, in the dark," you're going to be sensitive to it. THAT is the real issue.

 

You shouldn't look at her any differently. You Haven't gotten to the point of being able to Accept that at all.

 

On so many surveys, do you realize the # of men women slept with is always SIGNIFICANTLY LOWER than the # of women men slept with, when they are polled -- where the average # of men is always LESS than the average # of women slept with?

 

Now -- do you realize that's IMPOSSIBLE? It's always basically going to be around even for heterosexuals. Why is it never only off by decimals, or maybe 1 on average, as you'll never get it exact? No matter what poll, no matter how many times you do it -- it's always WAY lower for women! But mathematically IMPOSSIBLE for the *average* to be far off! It's going to be the SAME if you hit everyone on earth!

 

Because people lie to themselves and/or others -- and stretch the truth. You're used to girls not hooking up and never enjoying every drop of goodness that could ever come from it. It's your problem!

 

Now, if she has a HANKERING to get ball-banged by lots of dudes -- at one time or on separate days -- in the now, while going out -- THEN that should be your problem. Not one's past of FUN. We've all had that. Just because she doesn't LIE like a good girl, doesn't mean it's her problem at all - lol.

 

Just ask her not to talk about sexual adventures from 2nd base or more, about guys in the future. And come to accept that girls are just as much sexual beings as guys. More are just hush-hush about it.

 

 

Men and women are different physically and psychologically. Divorce laws generally favor women, statutory rape laws, sexual harrassment. Men generally are expected to initiate everything...Men and Women are equal without a doubt, but very different, and will see things in very very different light and perspective.

[Toodaloo]

it still speaks to her tendencies and her wiring in terms of what her sexual appetite can lead her to desire/do.

 

While I agree with most of this I am afraid I disagree with this tiny bit.

 

I once had a thing with another woman... a lesbian that does not make me! Its call experimentation. You discover some things you like others you do not. She did it once which suggests it was something to put down to experience and nothing more.

 

I agree with your comment about being on "par". That was the point I was trying to make... he is satisfying her.

 

I think if OP is going to get over this shock then he really needs to turn his thinking around and ensure he is thinking more positively about himself and his abilities.

[Discjockey80]

azure-

 

For men, it comes down to wanting to make sure that their women give them their 'true' sexual self in the bedroom. This, at its core, is a vital thing for all men. Hence, the uneasiness you hear when a woman confesses to something that in many cases, most men wont ever be able to duplicate for them yet speaks to an area where a mans core love language is.....sex. ( Speaking in terms of not being able to duplicate threesomes, group sex, etc.)

 

Toodaloo- I agree.

But it does indicate that you have at least on some level a need for adventure and at one time were willing to try. That tendency, while not always prevalent on the surface, will still be present in some manner in spite of that experience obviously not appealing to you. That gives a partner an idea of who you are intuitively under the surface.

 

Sexual intuition is a skill men are quite adept at, even if they don't realize it or not and often aren't given enough credit for. That's to say nothing of a womans lack or not thereof. Simply stating that if a man feels he is a bit out of his league in terms of a given woman. Its healthy to determine whether or not he can satisfy her enough for the relationship to be positive and healthy.

[Maleficent]

Lol@ the perpuation of thought that the OP's girfriend was a prostitute. As everyone keeps saying, she was not a prostitute. The OP was just using prostitution as an example.

 

Hum, yes she was.

 

I have been with this girl for a few months. I'm early-30's she's late 20's.

I will say she is what I have been looking for. And she is looking to settle.

She is also best-looking girl I have ever been with. Just ridiculously cute beyond words. The saying "too good to be true" comes to mind.

 

One day she got drunk and asked if I've had a threesome before, and I said no.

And she says that she has. So I asked her if she liked the girl better or the guy.

And she reveals it was with two guys.

 

I have never thought I would ever meet a girl that has done this, so it completely caught me off guard. I was not prepared. I was just so completely turned off in every way.

Maybe she brought it up as a hint, I'm not sure. I am not interested in any kind of threesome. Maybe she brought it up because she just needed to get it out there. I'm not sure. But I can definitely say this is the worst thing she could have told me. I've been with partners a couple times that have told me about their past sexual flings and I had absolutely zero problems hearing anything. And I have always thought I was pretty open-minded. But this one just completely bothers me to the core and something I was unprepared for in every way. And I wish she never ever told me.

 

She started saying how she actually fell for one of the two guys and he just completely treated her like a joke. They did it a few more times with just him and he stopped answering her calls later. At this point, I just told her that I preferred not to hear anymore.

 

I'm not sure why she revealed this to me. Maybe it's a heartache that she needed to tell someone? Why me, for god's sake? I'm not sure why.

 

I know it's the past. Some will say I need to grow-up and let the past be the past. And I also understand that girls have sexual turn-ons and you can't blame anyone for living out a fantasy. This is what I've been trying to tell myself the past few days. I've been trying to just laugh it off as no big deal. Just a sexual fantasy. But the thought of two guys just tag-teaming and going at it on this girl will not leave my mind. And it completely changes the way I see her as a person. Again, I know I shouldn't and that it's not fair and even immature. But I just cannot see her the same even though I want to.

 

I would rather have heard anything but this. She used to work as a prostitute. She had a ridiculously high number of partners (never at once). Anything else I could have handled easy. But to me, (this is entirely subjective, I will not speak for all guys), there is something inherently demeaning and degrading about one girl and multiple men. Maybe for a girl, they see it differently, they see it as being that they are the center of attention and all these men are satisfying them. Or maybe some see it as degrading, and they get off on it. But whatever the case, I just cannot see it as anything other than just completely demeaning. Again, women will see this differently, and maybe even some guys. But I think a lot of guys can see my point of view.

 

I realize it's a double standard. But I accept that. Men and women are different physically and psychologically. Divorce laws generally favor women, statutory rape laws, sexual harrassment. Men generally are expected to initiate everything...Men and Women are equal without a doubt, but very different, and will see things in very very different light and perspective.

 

I understand if a girl just needs to do it once to know the feeling and experience. But if you do, I really really suggest you never ever tell the person you are with, about it.

 

This girl is the best I'll ever do. And I just really genuinely like her a lot. I'm going try and see if this feeling will go away. But I honestly can't get the thought out of my head every time I see her. And I am angry that she even told me. I realize she's drunk and alcohol will make you talk, but I really wished she never told me that.

[Discjockey80]

Hum, yes she was.

 

 

The grammar and punctuation isn't very clear but it does appear he was giving an example of 'anything else' she could have said.

 

 

Again, Its not clear but it appears he was using a comparison.

[Maleficent]

The grammar and punctuation isn't very clear but it does appear he was giving an example of 'anything else' she could have said.

 

 

Again, Its not clear but it appears he was using a comparison.

 

I really don't see how punctuating it differently would change the context...perhaps OP can come in himself and clarify?

 

But he is still basically saying he would rather she used to work as a prostitute than having had a threesome.

He still thinks the threesome is more appalling than prostitution.

[Discjockey80]

"I would rather have heard anything but this. She used to work as a prostitute. She had a ridiculously high number of partners (never at once). Anything else I could have handled easy."

 

 

He is clearly talking in the context of 'anything else'. Just read the arrangement of phrases. Yes they have periods as though they were statements but still it appears its a comparison.

[Maleficent]

"I would rather have heard anything but this. She used to work as a prostitute. She had a ridiculously high number of partners (never at once). Anything else I could have handled easy."

 

 

He is clearly talking in the context of 'anything else'. Just read the arrangement of phrases. Yes they have periods as though they were statements but still it appears its a comparison.

 

He still says the threesome is more appalling than prostitution.

 

Which comes back to what I said in my first post. I find it baffling he thinks having a threesome is more appalling than prostitution.

[LoneIsland]

He still says the threesome is more appalling than prostitution.

 

Which comes back to what I said in my first post. I find it baffling he thinks having a threesome is more appalling than prostitution.

 

Can't be that baffling. Different people have different aversions. Some afraid of spiders, others afraid of rats. In the case of the OP, he's afraid of threesomes involving 2 men. Like most men, he's not afraid of threesomes involving 2 women.

 

You can't really blame people for their aversions because a lot of the time, it is instinctive and born with.

[Maleficent]

Can't be that baffling. Different people have different aversions. Some afraid of spiders, others afraid of rats. In the case of the OP, he's afraid of threesomes involving 2 men. Like most men, he's not afraid of threesomes involving 2 women.

 

You can't really blame people for their aversions because a lot of the time, it is instinctive and born with.

 

You are absolutely right. So to me, it's baffling.

 

Thank you.

[Jules Dash]

Op, can you just clear this whole prostitution thing up?

[angel.eyes]

I really don't see how punctuating it differently would change the context...perhaps OP can come in himself and clarify?

 

"I would rather have heard anything but this. She used to work as a prostitute. She had a ridiculously high number of partners (never at once). Anything else I could have handled easy."

 

 

He is clearly talking in the context of 'anything else'. Just read the arrangement of phrases. Yes they have periods as though they were statements but still it appears its a comparison.

 

Bad Grammar...I Can't

[ja123]

There are a lot of different views, here. Ultimately, the OP will need to act according to what's right for him.

 

 

But, is it possible there a middle ground between idealization and denigration?

 

 

(A) I think the only guys who can possibly handle hearing something like this are the ones who've done some wild crazy sh*t themselves, [and/]or have their own vast life experience and philosophical perspective as to why someone might have done stuff like that. Or,(B)Even then, there are guys who've done tons of stuff, but still won't want their to-be-wife to have done it. Maybe that's the Madonna-whore complex or something.

 

I want a guy in the (A) category with emphasis on having his "own vast life experience and philosophical perspective."

 

 

Of course, there's a © category: those who haven't done and don't wish their partners to have either. This is a completely valid choice.

 

 

Perhaps there are other categories or mixes of, but what it boils down to is overall compatibility and views on life, no?

 

If the OP is thinking she's the best he'll ever get, then he is placing himself in a trap and going against his values and views.

 

 

Do I think the OP's GF went about it in the right way while being drunk? No, I don't. It lacked sensitivity, self-control, and respect for the OP and for herself by saying this in this circumstance and manner. That in and of itself is major, regardless of her previous acts. Yet, she is young, she is growing, and people make mistakes. Don't we all? And it hurts ... Probably her too, if alcohol was involved to express such things.

 

 

But, to continue ...

 

 

@ oldshirt Perhaps I have you mistaken for someone else, but I thought you were into the Lifestyle and would be open to discussing (or at least mentioning) such topics, even in past tense, with partners. My apologies, if I'm mistaken.

 

 

I think sex is an important topic. But, do we need to go into details? No. But, you can allow your partner to see that you blew your nose without showing her the remnants in the tissue. And you certainly don't have to describe your feces, but she'll hear you flush the toilet.

 

 

Would it be valid for someone to hide that they murdered a person? Is it fair to mention that one previously went bankrupt while explaining the context? These might not necessarily be direct analogies, but I mention them to make a point. Also, what about cheating? Of course, people lie though, don't they? Even by omission.

 

 

Analogies aside, I think it comes down to finding someone who is on your wavelength and who can accept you as a whole (warts and all) and vice versa. At least that's the way I look at it, for me.

 

 

My approach would simply to be as honest and respectful as I can to both parties, myself included. For instance, if asked about numbers, I might say something like "less than some, but more than others; but, nothing I'd consider out of line for my age group." And, "Yeah, there was a brief period where I tried a few things (I can count on one hand really), but I'm with you now, Sweetie." If pressed for details, I could say something like: "Without going into details, I sampled a bit of swinging and BDSM." If asked the question whether I've slept with a woman, then I'd say: "Yes, I had the opportunity to do so and I was curious so I tried it. It was with respect and ultimately I got to learn more about my own body in the process. It was a good experience, but I'm really not into women." If pressed for even more, maybe I'd say: "It's something like you've seen in porn, babe. It was interesting at the time, but ultimately you are what I'm looking for." I could also open the conversation with: "Sweetie, without going into details, have you ever tried any wild, crazy sh*t?" Of course, this wouldn't be out of the blue, but I could assess the person's open-mindedness well beforehand. And, we probably wouldn't even be together to have this kind of conversation to begin with because open-mindedness is something that's important to me in a partner and I'd start figuring to what degree he is open-minded beforehand through discussing a myriad of topics. Again, this is my view of things. And those who don't stick around really wouldn't be compatible.

 

 

Two of my closest friends (one man and one woman, both straight) know this about me. Why wouldn't I tell my partner?

 

 

I'd also mention to him that I've never cheated throughout a 4.5 year LTR and an 8.5 year LTR. You could put me in a room with Brad Pitt, George Clooney, or Gerard Butler naked, and nothing would happen because I've given my word. But again, for me, things are not black and white. There are contexts. So, I'd listen and evaluate, if he had something to share on this from his end.

 

 

To me, it's important for me to share some stuff because I wouldn't feel fully intimate with my partner if they don't see how I got to be who I am now. That involves sharing some life events, and not just the things that might be considered "distasteful", but also some of the incredible triumphs. I wouldn't feel that we were truly intimate and compatible without some honesty and acceptance. And, I'd feel dishonest or "split". I wouldn't want to feel like I had any major secrets upon my deathbed. I'd just want to know I was fully loved and loved fully.

 

 

From my partner's side, for me, I'd rather know than not know.

 

 

OP, knowing what you know now. Could you imagine being with her (or anyone else), even if she did that, but not knowing?

 

 

It really is subjective as to what a person is comfortable with and finding someone who is compatible.

 

 

Again, for me, I'd rather know. But it can be valid, too, for someone who doesn't want to know.

 

 

The OP is certainly within his rights, if this is something he doesn't want to deal with. Whether it be from the circumstance and manner in which he was told or the acts, or both. And he owes it to himself to make the decision he feels is right for him at this point in his life.

 

 

We haven't heard from the OP for a bit, but I wish him the best and hope he finds peace in whatever he decides.

Edited September 25, 2014 by ja123

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

@ oldshirt Perhaps I have you mistaken for someone else, but I thought you were into the Lifestyle and would be open to discussing (or at least mentioning) such topics, even in past tense, with partners. My apologies, if I'm mistaken.

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

No, I'm sure you have the right person. I was/am involved in the Lifestyle.

 

 

I understand it may seem a little contradictory but it's like this, I can talk about 3somes and group sex and swinging and promiscuity etc etc etc from behind the anonymous keyboard and I can sit across the table from other experienced swingers and discuss the general concepts of group sex swinging etc etc until the cows come home.

 

 

But it's entirely different when you are discussing such matters with a partner.

 

 

My wife and I will have our 19th anniversary next month and even though we have been swingers for the better part of a decade and we have had countless discussions on sexuality etc, I do not know how many people she has been to bed with, nor does she know how many I have either and I intend to keep it that way.

 

 

I don't know if she has ever had any or group sex or anything before we started getting involved in that lifestyle and I shall never ask nor shall I ever divulge anything I have done before we got together.

 

 

And I know she will never ask because earlier in our relationship she did try to get some details out of me and I matter of factly stated I was not going to discuss past specifics...and I never have.

 

 

Now we will talk freely about experiences we have shared together and we can also discuss fantasies and future "hopes" but past specifics is pretty much off limits.

 

 

When we met we were both adults and it was common knowledge that we had both had serious long term relationships. I assume she and her old BF(s) had sex and she has never tried to imply they did or they didn't.

 

 

I assume that she also assumes that I had sex with my prior GFs and I have never implied that I didn't.

 

 

As virginity was not a requirement or something important for either one of us, we each just safely assumed the other was not virginal and just went on about our business together as a couple.

[oldshirt]

If she and I should divorce or if I were to become widowed and I were to start dating again, I will not divulge anything of my sexual past to anyone I may start dating. I have two kids and it is public record that I have been married for 19 years so anyone I date will know that I am not a virgin. That's all they need to know. any further specifics is simply none of their business and who and what they did in their bedroom before me will be none of my business either.

 

 

I would not be afraid to discuss sexual topics and I would not be afraid to say that under certain conditions and within certain guidelines that I am perfectly OK with consensual nonmonogamy and may be possibly open to it in the future. But I am not going to discuss any who, what, when,where or how much of my own past.

[OldMaidJuliet]

I know that you are trying to be understanding, and perhaps cannot control the emotional/psychological reaction that you're having. However, you are being way too judgmental, and even sexist.

 

...I asked her if she liked the girl better or the guy.

 

You don't seem upset at that point. Am I misreading? Did it not bother you to think she might sleep with a woman and a man? Because that tends to be the male fantasy, two women and one man. Whereas, more women are probably more interested in two men. So, it's okay if she has sex with two other people if it fits the male fantasy of WWM, and not the more female fantasy, I would presume, of MMW?

 

You seem upset when...

 

...she reveals it was with two guys.

 

You say it's because...

...there is something inherently demeaning and degrading about one girl and multiple men.

 

How is it inherently degrading? So, it's not degrading for a man to be with two women? And it's not degrading for a woman to be with a woman and a man even though it is often done more for the male? Yet, it is somehow more demeaning if she gets what she wants by being with two males? I think it is often demeaning when a woman is with two men, but only because a lot of men take your attitude, and look down on the woman even if the men are participating, and are just as "guilty". If the men aren't looking down on her or using her, however, then it's not demeaning. The issue, I think, is that men think it's okay if we sleep with another woman and a man because that's what you all want. If we do what we want and sleep with two men, it's a problem.

 

This guy did use her, which is sad. Maybe she didn't realize he was a jerk, initially. Even if she did, lots of people get used by jerks one on one. I doubt you're judging all of them. You even say she could have been a prostitute or had sex with a lot of men separately and it would have been okay. How is that any less degrading? That way, she's used by even more men just not at once.

 

I have never thought I would ever meet a girl that has done this, so it completely caught me off guard. I was not prepared. I was just so completely turned off in every way.

 

First off, no one did it to turn you on. It wasn't about you. It was in the past, as you have acknowledged. Secondly, you were surprised because women are taught not to think that way nor admit it if we do because we will be judged by men like yourself. Not to shock you, but I was reading a sex survey recently which showed that around 33% of women surveyed wanted to have sex with 3 or more men at once. I am pretty sure it was not 2, but 3+. Either way it was at least a threesome, if not a foursome or an orgy/gang bang. I don't know if the survey population is reflective of the general population, but female desire to sleep with two guys at once is probably higher than you think, and if we weren't concerned about male judgment- or men judging us even as they slept with us- more of us would probably be interested. As for acting on it, part of the reason we don't act on it, is that a lot of men aren't comfortable having sex with a woman if another man is at the same time because they don't want to be seen naked by another man, are afraid parts will touch, etc.

 

And I have always thought I was pretty open-minded.

Thinking a threesome with two men is the worst thing a woman could admit to? Yeah, not even close to sexually open minded when it comes to females.

 

You said of her telling you...

Why me, for god's sake? I'm not sure why.

Well, assuming you're doing more than just having meaningless sex, it's probably because she feels close to you, trusts you, and wants to be open and honest with you because this increases intimacy. She probably also wanted someone who could love her for who she was, and she might have thought you cared about her enough to not completely revise your opinion of her over something so trivial, which is not even current.

 

And it completely changes the way I see her as a person.

That is truly sad.

 

I understand if a girl just needs to do it once to know the feeling and experience. But if you do, I really really suggest you never ever tell the person you are with, about it.

Wow. Well, first off, I don't want to be with a man who would not love me and want me if he knew who I really was. I would also not want to be with someone that I could not even be open and honest with. Also, I would be really turned off if I knew someone was this judgmental. I would be turned off if they would actually look down on me if they knew about it and see me completely differently. I would be turned off by what I see as sexism. I would not want to date the guy. So, I will tell guys if I ever do this just to weed out men like yourself. I'm not saying you're a horrible person; I don't completely dislike you from what I know of you since you do see why this is wrong on your part, and you are being honest. We can't always help what we feel. I'm still offended by your reaction, though, and I would leave a man if I knew he was the way you are.

 

This girl is the best I'll ever do. And I just really genuinely like her a lot. I'm going try and see if this feeling will go away. But I honestly can't get the thought out of my head every time I see her.

Maybe she is, but to be brutally honest, I don't think you're the best she is going to do because the best she can do will probably not look down on her so harshly, and dismiss everything else about her for engaging in a normal fantasy in her past which either hurt no one, or hurt only her. The best she can do will not put double standards on her.

 

Please, do not have sex with her until this feeling goes away- or else, ever again- because to do so when you are looking down on her this way would be demeaning and degrading to her. She deserves better. No one should sleep with a person that they are judging or looking down on this badly. Also, while I normally advocate openness and honesty during a breakup, please find some believable lie to tell her when you leave her because she doesn't need to judge herself like you do over this, or to feel like she must be fake and hidden with her future partners.

 

And I am angry that she even told me.

Hopefully not at her. She didn't do anything wrong by being open and honest with her partner, and she's not responsible for your reaction. Edited November 21, 2014 by OldMaidJuliet

[jcrew11]

did you ever consider that one of the guys was "gay"?

 

I think that is an ick-factor that bothers straight men is that they don't want to be touching another man while having sex with a girl.

 

Besides that, this girls sounds either easily manipulated, or sexually adventourous. People mature and change their habits.

 

Who knows, maybe she will let you have a 3-some with 2 girls in the future!