Threesome in her past bothers me

[longjohn]

I'm not one to judge someone of their pasts if they are open and honest about it. A lot more people than you'd think have had group sex. I have to admit I feel for the ladies out there. They get labeled if they participate in group sex while us men get a pat on the back? The way I see it is we're all sexual animals and we experiment at some point then we stop. I honestly wouldn't hold group sex against a partner if she was good enough to tell me about it and why she did it.

[Noproblem]

I personally don't like the idea of 3 some.

 

let the past rest and go on.

[oldshirt]

She was not a prostitute. He was using that as an example of something he thought he may get past but he couldn't get passed the threesome.

[oldshirt]

This is the 274,274,901,725,731st example of why people should always keep private matters private and not divulge details of any of your prior bedroom experiences. There is virtually NEVER anything good that can come out of discussing prior sexcapades. It can only bite you in the ass. Never ask. Never tell.

 

We can all sit here and try to explain why he should not feel the way he does untill we are blue in the face but everyone has their limit of what they can accept. Her doing two was beyond his tolerance and he can't help how he feels towards her now.

 

Is it fair or "right?" Maybe not but that was the risk she took when she had the 3some and it was certainly the risk she took when she got drunk and told him.

 

In many instances this kind of thing is divulged because the other party keeps prying and asking them about it and then gets all butt-hurt and whiney when they hear something they don't like. I don't have a lot of empathy for those folks because they brought it on themselves by prying and then didn't have the giblets to hear the truth.

 

In this case though it sounds like she just got drunk and blabbed it and it was something he didn't ask for and didn't want to hear. This is too bad. It shouldn't have happened. She should have kept her private matters private. She had no reason to put that on him.

[Priv]

I agree.

 

Message is too short....doh!

 

Gemma, you are on a roll tonight

[Priv]

I count 4 posts where double standard is mentioned. Call me a simpleton but I don't believe group sex falls within double standard territory. It isn't going to fly with the women in my social circle...

[oldshirt]

 

In this case though it sounds like she just got drunk and blabbed it and it was something he didn't ask for and didn't want to hear. This is too bad. It shouldn't have happened. She should have kept her private matters private. She had no reason to put that on him.

 

There are only a few reasons she would have gotten drunk and divulged that info -

 

- She was bragging and thought it was cool and made her look sexy and hot = epic fail. It only made her look like trash and a dick in his eyes. I hope she learned that lesson.

 

- She wanted him to call up a buddy so she could play sandwich again. = again epic fail. He may even be a little insulted and offended that she thought he'd be into that.

 

- She has some kind of dysfunctional guilt complex over it and was making some kind of guts-spilling, drunken confessional = slutty crazy bitch and he dodged a bullet by finding out she's bat sht crazy before getting too attached.

 

That's pretty much it. I can't think of any other reason she would make some kind of drunken confession out of the blue like that.

 

My personal opinion and gut feeling is that she has been been around the block with playa' s so much that she thinks all guys are cool with that and that they don't care if she's lined them up down the street and doesn't realize that some people hold themselves above that. That's what's really sad about this situation.

[stillafool]

OP, here's a woman speaking:

 

You need to work at getting over this. That will require adjusting your attitude about what exactly this sexual experience "signified."

 

She wasn't the passive victim of a gang-bang. She wasn't degraded against her will like a piece of trash. This was a youthful experimentation / fantasy fulfillment that she actively pursued, and to this day, she's not ashamed of it.

 

Is there any part of you that can understand how this experience could be EMPOWERING to a woman rather than degrading? I'd be willing to bet most women could relate to that fantasy of having two guys at once. I certainly can.

 

You have an open-minded women with an experimental streak. That's a good thing. If your relationship is otherwise solid, you need to do whatever you can to work past this.

 

(Also, @stillafool, you misread his post. His GF wasn't a prostitute.)

 

Oh, my fault. Well OP I still think she enjoyed the 3some with the 2 guys and may have been feeling you out to see if you were interested. She liked it very much and I agree with the above that she is open-minded and experimental in regards to sex. This is something you may really appreciate in a long term relationship.

[Standard-Fare]

There are only a few reasons she would have gotten drunk and divulged that info -

 

- She was bragging and thought it was cool and made her look sexy and hot = epic fail. It only made her look like trash and a dick in his eyes. I hope she learned that lesson.

 

- She wanted him to call up a buddy so she could play sandwich again. = again epic fail. He may even be a little insulted and offended that she thought he'd be into that.

 

- She has some kind of dysfunctional guilt complex over it and was making some kind of guts-spilling, drunken confessional = slutty crazy bitch and he dodged a bullet by finding out she's bat sht crazy before getting too attached.

 

That's pretty much it. I can't think of any other reason she would make some kind of drunken confession out of the blue like that.

 

Option 4: She got drunk with someone she feels comfortable with, someone she feels she can trust, and she came clean with a secret from her past without fear of judgment or shame. She did so in the spirit of honest intimacy, in wanting her partner to know more about her complexities and dimensions. And yes, maybe she was testing things a little bit, to see if he could accept her despite the details of her past.

[lino]

Yuck

 

Definitely not serious girlfriend material!

[ComingInHot]

Hey OP, Have you talked to her about any of this? Sometimes getting it straight from the horse's mouth alleviates the stress of speculation and assumptions behind her 'sharing' at which point you may be able to make decisions regarding the relationship and any future therein *

And I swear if anyone says I need to follow my own advise I'll scream. (No matter how true )

[Raena]

That right, you have us all figured out....all my requirements for a successful relationship, is based on how "hot" the woman is. I mean heck if she uses drugs, cheats, lies, drinks, hasn't got a career, has kids, pets....but is "hot", I'll be all over her

 

Yeah right. I will say any man/woman in their 40s, who has been married once, and has kids...and is still getting caught up on looks, is deluded and needs to give their head a shake

 

I actually know someone who is exactly like that and ended up cheating with someone exactly like that... does drugs, cheats, has kids, doesn't work, is a psycho... but oh lord, she was "hot". It's pathetic to think like that at 40+

 

OP... if it really bothers you so much that you can't let it go then you are going to have to walk away from the relationship. It won't get better.

 

I had a similar experience once... dated a guy for several months until one day we were driving back from the beach and he blurted out... out of nowhere... that he had performed oral sex on men in the past. Not even sure how that fit into our discussion at the time but I'll never forget it. Couldn't stay with him after that. Some things you just don't need to know. Or in my case, I wish he had told me up front that he was bisexual instead of waiting several months.

[ja123]

There are only a few reasons she would have gotten drunk and divulged that info -

 

- She was bragging and thought it was cool and made her look sexy and hot = epic fail. It only made her look like trash and a dick in his eyes. I hope she learned that lesson.

 

- She wanted him to call up a buddy so she could play sandwich again. = again epic fail. He may even be a little insulted and offended that she thought he'd be into that.

 

- She has some kind of dysfunctional guilt complex over it and was making some kind of guts-spilling, drunken confessional = slutty crazy bitch and he dodged a bullet by finding out she's bat sht crazy before getting too attached.

 

That's pretty much it. I can't think of any other reason she would make some kind of drunken confession out of the blue like that.

 

My personal opinion and gut feeling is that she has been been around the block with playa' s so much that she thinks all guys are cool with that and that they don't care if she's lined them up down the street and doesn't realize that some people hold themselves above that. That's what's really sad about this situation.

 

Just curious, given your experience, how and when does one bring up one's sexual past in an appropriate matter? (e.g. threesomes, swinging, BDSM)

 

 

Do you only bring it up if these things are still things you want to explore and practice?

 

 

Or is it better to remain, mum. If so, why?

[ascendotum]

Hey OP, Have you talked to her about any of this? Sometimes getting it straight from the horse's mouth alleviates the stress of speculation and assumptions behind her 'sharing' at which point you may be able to make decisions regarding the relationship and any future therein *

And I swear if anyone says I need to follow my own advise I'll scream. (No matter how true )

 

Yeah he did. Post #20. If I read right it was too much for him to deal with and they split up.

Getting it straight from the horse's mouth so to speak, I still don't think it means he will be getting the truth of the matter. If she suspects in any way that he has hung ups over this issue she will do her best to downplay/lie over certain aspects of her past to emolliate his concerns so things can go back to normal. Though if 'alleviating the stress' is the desired outcome of talking more then I guess it doesn't matter if its truth or not as long as she can downplay it somehow to not seem so bad in his eyes. I have done a 3some and my current gf has. I'd rather know the truth but when I was younger/less experienced less so, but its less of a shock when the woman has a Samantha Jones type attitude about her than a more conservative 'eeew I'm not that sort of a girl' type demeanor about her, but she used to be or maybe still is with the right sort of guys.

[oldshirt]

Just curious, given your experience, how and when does one bring up one's sexual past in an appropriate matter? (e.g. threesomes, swinging, BDSM)

 

Honestly, the older I get, I think the answer to that is - you don't. Period.

Some things are simply private and need to remain that way.

There is nothing positive that can be obtained from discussing specifics from the past. The only reason people want to know your sexual past is so they can pass judgement on you. The only reason you want to know someone else's past is so you can judge them.

 

 

 

 

Do you only bring it up if these things are still things you want to explore and practice?

 

Yes. only bring things up in current and future contexts. In other words use terms like, " would you like to....?" or "what are your thoughts on.....?

Never - " I used to..." or "I have....."

 

Or is it better to remain, mum.

 

 

Many things it is probably better to remain mum and take to your grave.

Let me put it this way, you'll never regret not disclosing specifics from your past. But there are countless times you will regret it.

 

 

If so, why?

 

 

Because you'll never divulge the right thing. If you say one person too many or one act too risqué, you'll be judge a slut/playa/womanizer/sleezy etc.

And if you say one person to few or haven't done something risque' enough, you'll be judged a pussy or a prude or undesirable etc.

You can never be right.

 

 

 

 

 

Responses above.

[oldshirt]

Option 4: She got drunk with someone she feels comfortable with, someone she feels she can trust, and she came clean with a secret from her past without fear of judgment or shame. She did so in the spirit of honest intimacy, in wanting her partner to know more about her complexities and dimensions.

 

 

And as usually happens, it bit her in the ass....or more accurately, bit him in the ass. She put that burden on him for no valid reason.

 

 

 

 

And yes, maybe she was testing things a little bit, to see if he could accept her despite the details of her past.

 

 

And quite frankly, she had the right to do that and it is important to assess people's values and beliefs and such on a wide variety of topics including sexuality and their attitudes and mores and values etc on things including "alternative" sexual practices like group sex, same sex encounters, promiscuity etc etc.

But she went about it all wrong. Had she broached the subject in a manner asking him about his beliefs and values etc she probably would have found out his feelings against it without it hurting him and making her look slutty and trashy in his eye.

My belief is she was testing his attitudes and willingness to accept or maybe even engage in those activities. If that is something she really wants to do again and is important to her to have a partner that's into they could have decided if their values and mores were compatible or not.

Instead since she drunkenly blurted out she had actually done it in the past, it forever tainted his view of her.

She had the right and even the responsibility to find out his feelings on that. She just screwed up by divulging specific acts from her past rather than discussing it in present and/or future contexts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Responses above.

[ja123]

Thanks for responding, oldshirt. I wouldn't have quite expected that response, given your experience.

 

 

I agree she shouldn't have blurted it out while drunk (I'll agree with Ninja that the fact that she ran after one of the guys, but he didn't want her, was something that didn't show herself respect). I also like your approach of asking the other person about their sexual values and mores in a general conversation seems like a good way to assess their openness or compatibility.

 

 

It feels like it's something to be ashamed of though, the way you put it.

 

 

It might be difficult not to allude to past events (not detailed specifics, or numbers, but in general) when discussing present and future events, no?

 

 

I'm also wondering how secrecy builds intimacy.

[bubbaganoosh]

I have a friend (a woman) who is a really nice person, easy to get along with and very attractive. She was seeing this guy for about 4 or 5 years and they decided to try swinging. Her BF had a fantasy of seeing her with another guy and she gave him his wish and they did this for a few years then they broke up.

 

A while later she meets another guy and she tell me that he started asking about past history and she told him about swinging and htreesomes with her the BF and other guys and the guy was out the door so fast his shadow filed a missing persons report.

 

A while later she meets another guy, I tell her not to bring up the past but somehow it comes up and she tells him and he hoofs it out of there. Then again. This time some guy that was a big time player and finally wanted to settle down. You know the rest.

 

I told her she must have a death wish and she says she would rather that they know now rather than finding out later if the relationship progress to engagement or marriage and I figured that she's been kicked enough for me to say to her that she didn't think this situation out hard enough with the swinging and the threesomes but sooner or later she realized that it would have it's consequences.

 

Now she's stuck with it and owns it.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I'm also wondering how secrecy builds intimacy.

 

There's a fine line between secrecy and privacy and for many, that line is blurred or can be difficult to locate. However, to me, "secrets" only really apply to things relevant within the context of the relationship. If say, she had previously experimented with women in the past but no longer had the desire to do so, it wouldn't necessarily be a thing worth sharing. If, however, she had been with women previously and was strongly inclined to still have lesbian sexual escapades it'd be something worthy of noting as it could potentially affect the course of their relationship going forward.

 

There are just things one shouldn't share. Not because you're ashamed or regret them, but because they have no bearing on your future life. I no longer share that I have experimented with women in my past because I no longer wish to do so and any time I ever have, I've either been asked to participate in a MFF threesome or thought of as someone with an insatiable sexual appetite - which is not true.

 

I fully believe it's possible to have a deeply intimate connection with someone without knowing every last detail about each other's pasts. Precisely because over-sharing most certainly can backfire - as we see here. There are things I just wouldn't want to know or share because not everyone is capable of separating past actions with future behavior.

[ja123]

Thanks for sharing.

 

 

I guess I'm atypical and will probably take the bubbaganoosh's friend's approach come hell or high water, as it'd be important to me to share that. Of course, only the basics would be given, and I wouldn't be reliving the pleasure or bragging about it. It would be a serious conversation.

 

 

In the opening of the thread, the OP said he wished she had never told him.

 

 

Nevertheless, a fact is still a fact.

 

 

OP, knowing what you know now. Could you imagine being with her (or anyone else), even if she did that, but not knowing?

 

 

Also, for those who don't discuss the past at all. What do you do if faced with the question from your partner outright? E.g. Have you ever had a threesome? Do you lie?

[oldshirt]

Thanks for responding, oldshirt. I wouldn't have quite expected that response, given your experience.

 

huh? What do you mean?

 

 

 

It feels like it's something to be ashamed of though, the way you put it.

 

there's no reason for any shame at all. It doesn't have anything to with shame. It's nothing shameful, just private and something that no-one else needs to know.

 

Think of it like taking a big ol' dump in the morning. It's normal and natural and nothing to be ashamed of, but is there ever a reason to tell your partner about it?? Is there ever a valid reason to tell your partner how many peanuts you saw in it????????

 

 

 

It might be difficult not to allude to past events (not detailed specifics, or numbers, but in general) when discussing present and future events, no?

 

 

has anyone ever implied that everything about relationships will always be easy?

 

 

I'm also wondering how secrecy builds intimacy.

 

 

How intimate were the OP and his GF after this info was revealed???? How many posts on here do you see where relationships were damaged and even destroyed when people blabbed about their past??? Answer - A LOT.

 

This kind of info harms intimacy, not nurtures it.

 

And again I'll use the morning dump analogy, is it really a secret that you take a big ol' crap in the morning??? Are you taking away the intimacy with your partner that you don't discuss the details of your turd?

 

Will hearing about the kernels of corn make him/her think more of you or less of you?

 

 

Whether we like it or not, details of past sexual encounters are the turds of relationships. Hearing about their details almost always makes people think less of us. Maybe it shouldn't be that way but it is.

 

Talk about your turds at your own risk.

 

 

Responses above

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

In the opening of the thread, the OP said he wished she had never told him.

 

and I understand his feelings on the matter. He didn't want to know about that and didn't ask for that. That burden was placed on him without him wanting it.

 

 

 

Nevertheless, a fact is still a fact.

 

we have a lot of facts in our lives that turn people off and make them think less of us. I've had a cold lately and the other day I pulled a big, bloody booger out of my nose that had a bunch of nose hairs in it. That's a fact. Should I tell my wife about it??? Will that make her fell closer to me or will it turn her off a little bit? Does she have any valid reason on earth to need to know about my booger?

 

People need to understand the concepts of DHVs vs DLVs. Knowledge of prior sex acts is almost always a DLV, especially for women. It may not be fair or right, but it is.

 

 

 

 

 

Also, for those who don't discuss the past at all. What do you do if faced with the question from your partner outright? E.g. Have you ever had a threesome? Do you lie?

 

you start with having a mindset that what has happened in your bedroom in the past is never anyone else's business. Your doctor has a valid reason to know if you are sexually active. But Even your doctor has virtually no need to know if you have ever had a 3way or not.

 

The next is to establish from the get-go that your prior sexual experiences are private business and won't be discussed in specifics. People rarely just ask out of the blue if you've had group sex. They'll start with things like how many people you've been with or what positions and acts have you done etc.

 

If you decline to go there on the simple questions, they'll rarely even ask the bigger ones.

 

It really is a don't ask/don't tell type thing. If you pry into their past, they will pry into yours.

 

 

The bottom line really is no-one has any need to any specifics of your past activities and you have no need to know theirs. The present and the future are fair grounds for discussion, the past is not.

 

You don't need to lie, just don't have the discussion in the first place.

 

 

 

Responses above

[oldshirt]

There is another important point I want to make here. Please read these statements by Jammonit again.

 

 

 

 

I have never thought I would ever meet a girl that has done this, so it completely caught me off guard. I was not prepared. I was just so completely turned off in every way.

 

 

 

But I can definitely say this is the worst thing she could have told me. I've been with partners a couple times that have told me about their past sexual flings and I had absolutely zero problems hearing anything. And I have always thought I was pretty open-minded. But this one just completely bothers me to the core and something I was unprepared for in every way. And I wish she never ever told me.

 

 

I would rather have heard anything but this. She used to work as a prostitute. She had a ridiculously high number of partners (never at once). Anything else I could have handled easy. But to me, (this is entirely subjective, I will not speak for all guys), there is something inherently demeaning and degrading about one girl and multiple men.

 

 

 

Even he did not know that this was something that was going to turn him off so much untill he heard it with his own ears.

 

He has had prior discussions in the past that did not bother him but this one came out of left field and in the blink of an eye turned his dream girl and, "the best I'll ever get," into a skanky hoe.

 

The point I want to make is everyone has something that will repulse them to their core. The problem is they may not even know what will repulse them untill it happens. And if they don't know what will turn their stomach untill they hear it, then you have no way of predicting what will turn them off. The best way to navigate those dangerous waters is to keep your mouth shut about past specifics.

[Toodaloo]

Oh for goodness sake. I know this is a shock but you seem to be forgetting a few things.

 

A persons past IS their past. You have to get your head round the fact that no one is perfect. We all experiment and try things and now this girl has decided that she wants to be with you. So far from using her past to demean her how about thinking turning your thinking round... Two guys together were not enough to satisfy her but you, all on your lonesome, can. Even more she doesn't want anyone else she just wants you... That is a big compliment to your sexual prowess!

 

This girl is not a virgin. She has been honest, now put it behind you and move on. It would be FAR worse to find this out later. Take time out if you need to but let it go.

 

Would you hold it against her if she admitted that she once farted and it smelt?

 

I am not worried about the women (or men) in my partners pasts. I assume that they are past loves for a reason. I am more interested in the future and whether or not I am to play a part in that.

[Maleficent]

Well, if it bothers you, it bothers you. Nothing that can be done about that.

 

I'm baffled as to why you would think a threesome with two men is more appalling than prostitution though...