jasondotcom Posted March 13, 2005 Posted March 13, 2005 I thouhgt I would post a little update. I saw him Friday night and thought it went kind of OK. But I did say too much, more than I had planned to, and in hindsight might have been a bit petty and nasty on one or two occasions. This included feeling the need to tell him I still loved him and that I thought he was running and should stop doing that to himself. He said part of him still loved me deeply too, but that there was a time for trying and that time had passed. I really did intend not to have this sort of conversation with him. The stupid thing is that I accept that it's not a good idea to be together now, and I really don't want that. Neither of us are "there" yet, we both have work to do on ourselves...for good reason I think we're both at that facing up to things point in our lives. I know he's having a bit of a hard time in trying to face his demons and I do not want to be a source of additional stress and pressure in his life...he doesn't need that. A lot of big stuff has gone down in my life recently and I know I also need some time alone to really sort through that, yet these out of control emotions of mine are have been making me behave as if I want him back now. I've sinced faced up to the fact I have been obsessive and it has to stop. Saw him again briefly today and sensed I had pushed things a bit far Friday and that he wasn't that happy with me. So I know if it doesn't stop now I'll push him away completely. Maybe one day when we're both in a better place as individuals something could work (I have to admit that hope), but it will never happen if I keep going the way I have been. Besides it's time for me to focus on getting my own sh*t together. I feel a bit of a need to apologise to him, but need to be careful about being obsessive about that too!
fleta1028 Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 Thanks for directing me to this thread. You're right - we do seem to be in similar situations. I had a similar experience with my ex - two weeks after he broke up with me, it appeared that he was interested in getting back together. Nothing was ever said, but he initiated all the contact, and would call me and text me every day (where we'd talk for hours) and we ended up going out together once after his show and going home together a few times after parties and group nights out at bars. I was fine with the whole casual dating thing, but I think I got too scared that it was going to end badly again, so I asked him what his intentions were and he said he didn't know, but he didn't see it going anywhere and he felt like he was better off single. Am I glad to have had the talk or not? Well, now that I initiated NC with him (8 days so far) I'm desperately miserable without him and never go anywhere without my phone clutched in my hand just in case he calls or texts...which hasn't happened. I also feel like talking about it might have pushed him into a corner and made him say things he may not have meant (his words and actions are always conflicting), so maybe things would have somehow developed into something more had I been more relaxed about everything and let things take their course. But on the other hand, I felt like I was totally in his control when we were semi-together for those 3 weeks. I mean, we only got together when it was convenient for him (i.e. at HIS show or at a party that both of us would have been at anyway) and I always had a feeling of fear and insecurity that each time we were together would be the last because he would just cut off contact again, leaving me doubly hurt and confused. So that's why I initiated NC, because I was going nuts second-guessing myself, and I knew in the back of my mind that even though I had told him many times that I wasn't into being Friends with Benefits, that he was disrespecting my wish in a way, and we were turning into just that. Its really a fine line here. I mean, I think that I probably rushed any relationship talks way too soon, but I was so scared of being hurt again that I needed to see if he was thinking at all about my feelings beyond what he wanted in the moment. So I think you need to examine the new phase of the relationship closely and make sure that the good in keeping contact like this is outweighing the bad. If it is, and I truly hope it is, great! If not, think seriously about how deeply you want to get involved with this person again and make sure that you're getting something that you want out of it, beyond the short term relief of having your pain dissappear for those hours you're with him. I'm convinced after reading all these posts that my ex is a commitmentphobe too, and I am truly so glad to have found this site. Most of my friends are just tired of me going on about this and don't understand why its so hard for me. But when someone was so wonderful at first and makes you believe you may be their "one," its a shock to have it end so abruptly. It is so hard though, and its taking everything I have not to break NC.
fleta1028 Posted March 16, 2005 Posted March 16, 2005 Thanks for directing me to this thread. You're right - we do seem to be in similar situations. I had a similar experience with my ex - two weeks after he broke up with me, it appeared that he was interested in getting back together. Nothing was ever said, but he initiated all the contact, and would call me and text me every day (where we'd talk for hours) and we ended up going out together once after his show and going home together a few times after parties and group nights out at bars. I was fine with the whole casual dating thing, but I think I got too scared that it was going to end badly again, so I asked him what his intentions were and he said he didn't know, but he didn't see it going anywhere and he felt like he was better off single. Am I glad to have had the talk or not? Well, now that I initiated NC with him (8 days so far) I'm desperately miserable without him and never go anywhere without my phone clutched in my hand just in case he calls or texts...which hasn't happened. I also feel like talking about it might have pushed him into a corner and made him say things he may not have meant (his words and actions are always conflicting), so maybe things would have somehow developed into something more had I been more relaxed about everything and let things take their course. But on the other hand, I felt like I was totally in his control when we were semi-together for those 3 weeks. I mean, we only got together when it was convenient for him (i.e. at HIS show or at a party that both of us would have been at anyway) and I always had a feeling of fear and insecurity that each time we were together would be the last because he would just cut off contact again, leaving me doubly hurt and confused. So that's why I initiated NC, because I was going nuts second-guessing myself, and I knew in the back of my mind that even though I had told him many times that I wasn't into being Friends with Benefits, that he was disrespecting my wish in a way, and we were turning into just that. Its really a fine line here. I mean, I think that I probably rushed any relationship talks way too soon, but I was so scared of being hurt again that I needed to see if he was thinking at all about my feelings beyond what he wanted in the moment. So I think you need to examine the new phase of the relationship closely and make sure that the good in keeping contact like this is outweighing the bad. If it is, and I truly hope it is, great! If not, think seriously about how deeply you want to get involved with this person again and make sure that you're getting something that you want out of it, beyond the short term relief of having your pain dissappear for those hours you're with him. I'm convinced after reading all these posts that my ex is a commitmentphobe too, and I am truly so glad to have found this site. Most of my friends are just tired of me going on about this and don't understand why its so hard for me. But when someone was so wonderful at first and makes you believe you may be their "one," its a shock to have it end so abruptly. It is so hard though, and its taking everything I have not to break NC.
Author Tonia2 Posted March 16, 2005 Author Posted March 16, 2005 Stick with it Flea - I have a few updates, but people coming to dinner now, so will have to post up tomorrow. Jason is excellent with this stuff too. Look for the books written by Stephen Carter - they are excellent on this subject and help us to look into our own processes too. You are doing the right thing, no doubt.
ReluctantRomeo Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 Originally posted by fleta1028 Most of my friends are just tired of me going on about this and don't understand why its so hard for me. But when someone was so wonderful at first and makes you believe you may be their "one," its a shock to have it end so abruptly. It is so hard though, and its taking everything I have not to break NC. Yes, it's soooo painful when they go from the warm, effusive "you are everything to me" to controlling and cold It gets easier, but even after 2 months NC there are still times when I want to contact ReluctantJuliette. My friends have been very patient, but it's great having this site. At least that way I still have some friends left
jasondotcom Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 I'll also agree that it is incredibly hard when they end things abruptly, especially when in the early stages of the relationship they were heaping the praise and romance on you, in an almost obsessive way. When the fear kicks in and they step back and the whole on-off thing starts it's difficult, confusing and takes it's toll on your self esteem. Especially when it's accompanied by criticism and control...emotional abuse almost. I think this last point is why these situations are so harrowing for the person in our positions, and you end up fixating on winning them back and getting them to treat you right as a way of repairing your ego/self esteem. I can see this in myself anyway. Oh yes and friends do certainly lose patience with it too, don't they. I think a lot of people don't understand why I'm not being a lot more self protective in this situation, and they have a damn good point really. It just doesn't seem to be in my nature to "piss him off" after 2 years of becomming so close and sharing so many of the most significant moments of my life (both good and very, very bad ones) with him. It creates a bond that is hard to shake off. The NC issue is very interesting. Me and my ex have broken up twice now, the first time we had a good 2 and a bit months of NC after which we quickly got back together. This time it was shorter and we've had a bit of contact and seen each other a few times. Now after 2 months he's asked for a few weeks of not seeing each other because we're both struggling with the separation and moving on, which is very true in my case, and apparently is in his case too. Maybe it wouldn't have been so hard if we'd stuck to a NC period from the start. Oh yeah, I also recommend the Stephen Carter books...especially Getting to Commitment if you're not so keen on endless negative case studies. It doesn't provide any easy answers, but explores the whole issue of commitment and gets you thinking about your own issues and behaviours in your relationships. Understanding the motivations and fears of a CP partner also goes a long way towards your own healing, realising everything is not your fault (as you may have been lead to believe by your ex) and what attitudes, choices and issues of your own you might need to pay some attention to for next time around. I reckon these times in your life are opportunities to get to know yourself better, painful as that might be in the midst of what feels like a crisis. God knows I'm struggling to do just that, but at least I know what I should be doing and am trying. Good luck.
zep52 Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 Hi guys , im back in the midst of fellow sufferers again, things are going fine and all seems well with us although there have been flashes of the phobia rearing its ugly head again she genuinely seems to be trying to address the issues she knows she has, its funny isn't it that they carry this fear around with them, and it affects their, and our lives so fundementaly, and yet they are as confused and scared of its possible consequences as we are, Anyways we have continued to take it slow, i have been re adsorbed by her family after a slightly frosty reception from her mother, but all is now fine with them, she has yet to be reacquainted with my lot and i can sense her trepidation, but they will be ok with her, they didn't like seeing how she had affected me but will welcoming to her when they meet again this weekend, now that the honeymoon is over things seem to have settled back into the usual routine, and we are both trying hard to define boundaries, i continue to go to the gym 3 times a week, and she is trying to relax in as far as she is able when the smell of commitment wafts her way, at least she is trying to talk about her feelings, something she found very hard to do before, so things are moving in the right direction, i would love to think we will be happy in the future, but one thing the last few months have taught me is that as soon as you sit back and think its all ok, they run, so am trying to keep an air of mystery and uncertainty about my feelings for her, sure i tell her i love her, she needs me to do that, and she also tells me the same, but im just a little less gushing than i used to be, she got angry the other day and pulled a moody, so i left her to it for a day and she then folded and appologised saying she had been selfish, rare for her to appologise, rare if not unheard of so im confident that at least she is trying to address her issues, and slightly pleased that she is concerned that she might lose me if she does not put in the leg-work so to speak, Well thats about it for the moment, hope all is well with you guys, keep dreaming, and keep the faith, your friend Dave....
Author Tonia2 Posted March 18, 2005 Author Posted March 18, 2005 So nice to hear from you again, Dave. Hard not to be jealous of where you’re at… you sound like you are playing a blinder – certainly in terms of keeping your boundaries firm and not letting her be too sure of your feelings – it is nice to have them feel like they have to work for us a tiny bit again, isn’t it? Mine came to dinner last night with a huge bunch of flowers – haven’t had one of those since the third month! It was weird though, because although we are ‘seeing’ each other and he even referred to me as ‘his bird’ yesterday, he still refuses to take responsibility. It is essential that my brother doesn’t find out about us, but I have told lots of my friends, and I want him to do the same. There is no guarantee where this is going, but at the moment it is exclusive and he is very reliable with phone calls etc. perhaps I should just chill out about it? He saw some friends of his the other night who were singing my praises though, and when I asked him what he had told them, he said he was telling them that we are still seeing each other socially. Not really good enough for me, and I have made this known. I think he is scared of the consequences of hurting me again and what others may think, but I will not be denied my status in his life… Anyway, just sent him an email with a few bars around my neck of the woods that I told him I would forward – and made it clear that I wasn’t looking for assurances, as I am not even sure what I want. Hope the power is becoming a tiny bit more evenly distributed…
zep52 Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Hi guys been a while, well im back where i started, she flipped out on me again, carbon copy of last time, cant really believe it but at the same time i knew it was coming, all was fine for six weeks but then the old her resurfaced, criticizing, controlling, talking about the future one day, saying we had no future the next, what can i tell ya, am feeling relieved at the moment but am sure that will turn to missing her soon, but this time i think im gonna walk, i gave it my all but she is a taker and i am a giver, and i cant give no more, Hope you guys are well and life is treating you fairly, its onward and upward from here for me, gonna lick my wounds and move on, hope to hear from you, Dave
jasondotcom Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 That's really tough Dave, sorry to hear about that. Believe me I know exactly how you feel right now. I was fine, relieved even, for the first couple of weeks and then the darkness descended. But I had a few other issues I was a bit shaky on which got rattled by the breakup, so I'm sure you have every chance of avoiding what I've but myself through in recent months. Best of luck with healing your wounds and moving on...I'm confident it will be onward and upward for you. After some pretty messy and painful attempts to get together as friends a while back, I've been having a fairly long period of no-contact with my ex, which at times I've thought might end up being permanent. We're in touch again now and I'm meeting him Sunday. He's had some drama in his life and I'm not sure he's coped very well. He seems to be reaching out to me at the moment and I'm playing a very straight bat and remaining a little aloof, which only seems to make him friendlier. A nice turning of the tables which is helping me feel a lot stronger at long last. It will be interesting to see if we can make a friendship work now and how we feel about each other after so long - it's obvious we still care very deeply for each other. An interesting new phase.
zep52 Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Im pleased for you mate i really am, i felt a little guilty bailing out of the thread when she came back into my life like i also bailed on my friends who were there when she wasn't but she makes me feel so alive, and yet at the same time so vulnerable, she is, was always telling me how much she loved me but the shadows started to gather as before and bang an almighty row, at least this time it was me who pulled the plug but that doesn't make me feel any better about things, I , despite everything still love her, but after drawing a line in the sand felt i had to stand by my guns, i asked her during the row if she wanted us to split again but she wouldn't give me a reply, i had made it clear to her that if we split again it would be final, so she was scared to end it, but the abusive behavior continued and so i split with her, trouble is i want her back already and we only split 24 hours ago she was always so sure that i would run back to her but of late i haven't been and she knows i meant business, also by now i would have contacted her, i always have, but this time i haven't, im hoping this display of emotional strength will shock her into action but we will have to wait and see, she is so stubborn, she knows shes in the wrong, but will she admit it and back down, i don't know, I am the best thing that has happened to her since the birth of her children, do you think she will allow her pride to sabotage our future ??? if she is willing to then it was never really worth having was it !!! Thanks for replying Jason, my friends are sick of hearing the same old story, as indeed i am of telling it, but i have to vent it some where, today at work was horrible, really horrible but gotta eat so gotta work, Thanks mate Dave
jasondotcom Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Don't worry about bailing on this thread Dave, it kind of stalled anyway and I've been indulging my need to talk about stuff in other ways, although I think some of my friends are getting over hearing about it too! So did you confront her with exactly what it is about her behaviour that was the problem for you? If you had a big row, I'm guessing it came up in some form. If so did she react or say anything useful on the subject or was she just defensive? I'd have thought if she had some acknowledgment of how she treats you there may be some window of opportunity to explore whether she's willing to do something about it/work on it - you know, maybe counselling together or something. Depending on how you feel I reckon it's early enough you could go back to her and have this conversation now if you haven't already, and just see if she has any awareness of what she's been doing. If not then you probably have made the right decision, it might just help to know for sure that you confronted the issue head on and did all you could. Just a thought, because I know you're probably going to struggle with whether you've done the right thing at some point. Sadly I think pride does make some people do stupid self-defeating things, and as you're the one who pulled the plug this time that might well be the case with her now. Yes, make sure you eat and take care of yourself now OK! I lost 6kg in a couple of months (and some other concerning health effects) thanks to my sulking and self pity, and believe me I cannot afford to lose any weight. But I do have a strange relationship with food, so that might just be me!
zep52 Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 Hi Jason Yes i did confront her during the row about her behavior, she accepts that it is bad, but seems unwilling to accept responsibility for it totally, she has always to blame someone or something, i am willing to help her in what ever way, but as you are aware it has to come from her, she must want to address these demons and until then there is no way forward, i think in a few weeks i will contact her, offer an olive branch, but f she declines the offer that leaves me up a blind alley I am coping OK, i miss her but life cant go on like this forever, i think i had started preparing for this emotionally a while ago, after 3 breakups and reconciliations, i want her, she wants me, but there has to be a solid foundation for both of us to grow, i do carry hope that we will sort this out, but i also now carry the determination to follow this through to the bitter end if need be, purely for my own sake, the pain we keep inflicting on each other the past 6 months has taken a real toll and thats not fair on either of us or our family's, Its good to be able to talk to you again Jason, you feel like an old friend, someone with an insight into all this crap rather than the well meaning advice from friends who now just laugh and say i told you so just forget her shes mad, but as you know when you love one of these phobes its just not that easy, have a good day my friend, and be healthy and happy, till later Dave
Recommended Posts