CorridorE Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 (edited) I was on Love Shack a year and a half ago while recovering from being broken up with after a 2 1/2 year relationship, and now I'm back because I'm thinking of breaking up with my current boyfriend but am so scared of breaking his heart because I know how it feels. He says the more he gets to know me, the deeper he falls, but I'm having the opposite feeling; it seems that the more time I spend with him, the less I can see any kind of future for us. I've been having a lot of stress and anxiety over it lately. We met six months ago and hit it off, and I really liked him at first. We went on three dates that were really wonderful and made it official shortly after, and I've never had someone treat me so well. But after only a few months I've already found myself becoming bored with the relationship. He tells me he loves me multiple times a day and I feel guilty because I know I don't feel the same way. He says he loves everything about me, but I get annoyed and frustrated by a lot of what he says and does. He says he feels electricity when we kiss, but I don't feel anything. And I find myself longing to get away and have my own space when he wants to spend time together or cuddle. He seems more like a good friend than a boyfriend, and lately even something like holding his hand makes me feel uncomfortable. He's 27 and was engaged four years ago before he found out his fiancé was cheating on him, but says he cares more about me than he ever did for her. He thinks I'm his "one." And he is the most caring guy I've ever been with. He treats me so well and is always surprising me with dinner dates and flowers. He appreciates and respects me so much. I should be in love with him, but I'm just not. He's not my one. I made some big mistakes, too. When we first got together I was excited about entering into a new relationship and had just received my cousin's wedding invitation in the mail. I asked if he'd like to be my plus one and he's been looking forward to it ever since. It's an out of state wedding and he already bought a suit, has his plane ticket, and got time off work. And now, three weeks before the wedding, I'm having all these doubts. I feel horrible. He'll meet my family there, only to ultimately break up. I wish I could take it all back, but at this point I really can't do that. He's also very emotional. About two months into the relationship I went on a week long trip with my family and he held me and cried before I left saying how much he would miss me. He also cried to me one night when he opened up that he hasn't been happy in a long time, and that since he was thirteen he's been praying for someone like me to come into his life and God's finally answered his prayers when he had given up. I don't know what to do. I'm crying right now because I do care about him and don't want to hurt him, but I know that fear is the wrong reason to stay. I keep telling myself maybe I'm just going through something and I do care about him in a romantic way, but every time I see him, my doubts come back. I guess I'm just looking for advice on the wedding and for reassurance that breaking up is the right thing to do (if you think it is, of course) because I don't see things getting better. thank you. Edited September 21, 2014 by CorridorE
quidproquo89 Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 Hey, so sorry to hear about your predicament. Sounds like a nightmare. I might not be the greatest person to give advice, but this is how I see it. I think you just have to tell him. It is unfair to you both to let this continue. The longer it goes on the harder it will get. I would do it before this wedding as there will be so many awkward conversations with your family and also taking him would give him much more false hope. I would sort this out before the wedding. Obviously you would handle this so very delicately. He will be very emotional so be there for him, but just don't fold. You know what you want. That aside, do you mind if I ask what changed. You really liked him, but now you don't?
Assasda Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 He sounds like a needy doormat. I totally understand your unattraction. Let him down easy. Youre doing the right thing 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 Ouch. I don't think you're wrong for wanting to end the relationship. You can't make yourself have feelings for someone and it's not fair to him to keep this going. At the same time, while I'm sure he cares a lot about you, he also seems to have put some unfair pressure on you by pinning his happiness all on you. I think he's not really in a healthy place if he's prone to crying fits and claiming you've been his only source of happiness since the age of 13. That would concern me a lot, if I were in your shoes. I would not let this go any further, especially with the wedding coming up. You need to be honest with him otherwise attending this wedding, meeting your family and having those "you're next, nudge-nudge, wink-wink"conversations will give the false impression you see a future with him. End it as soon as you can. Be gentle but firm; I have a feeling his tears are going to tug on your heartstrings and make you doubt your instincts. It will hurt him for a while, but he is a big boy - he will eventually be ok again.
bolase Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 So sorry to hear that, I have had pretty much the exact same issue except we had only been together for 4 months. I felt guiltier and guiltier every day because he is the sweetest and will make someone an amazing adoring husband one day! He was due to come up to my city to visit for a whole week, and I made the decision to break up with him over the phone a few days ago so he could make alterior plans if he wanted to (fortunately his work had paid the tickets as they have an office here). He was a crier too and I don't resent that at all but within reason, he just cried at the thought of me ending it before I even did it, and because he missed me. It was so hard to break his heart, but I was SO BORED and did not feel like I enjoyed hearing anything nice from him as a result as I knew I couldn't return it.. If you take him to the wedding then break up with him after, he will just be embarassed that he was introduced to all these people as your boyfriend, then dumped. And he will wonder if your friends or family disapproved of him and what he did wrong in front of them. Kindest thing is to do it soon and be honest and tell him how much you appreciate him and want him in your life (if you do) but not as a boyf. 3
GemmaUK Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 I also understand your unattraction. Dating and relationships can just move too fast sometimes into the 'deep' bit rather than resting at the 'fun' bit. Years down the line this guy would be great..attentive (maybe less ILY's as several times a day is a bit much), in love and a great guy but 6 months in you are his everything - flattering - yes but that is all of the pressure on your shoulders. The thing is that half of the fun of relationships is the challenge and women like a challenge just the same as men do. Being too 'there, available, over mushy' can all be huge turn offs and can make a person feel smothered and suffocated. He is a fair few pages deeper and more invested in this relationship than you are. If the relationship had a more natural and fun flow to it I think you would be developing feelings for him..at your own rate. As it is he has piled pressure on by being too vocal with you. He thinks you like it but actually his vocality is the very thing that has turned you off as it has stopped dead any natural progression of your feelings for him. 1
isisisweeping Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 Sorry! Hard situation. You just have to do it... it'll only get worse day after day
GettingOver Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 I also understand your unattraction. Dating and relationships can just move too fast sometimes into the 'deep' bit rather than resting at the 'fun' bit. Years down the line this guy would be great..attentive (maybe less ILY's as several times a day is a bit much), in love and a great guy but 6 months in you are his everything - flattering - yes but that is all of the pressure on your shoulders. The thing is that half of the fun of relationships is the challenge and women like a challenge just the same as men do. Being too 'there, available, over mushy' can all be huge turn offs and can make a person feel smothered and suffocated. He is a fair few pages deeper and more invested in this relationship than you are. If the relationship had a more natural and fun flow to it I think you would be developing feelings for him..at your own rate. As it is he has piled pressure on by being too vocal with you. He thinks you like it but actually his vocality is the very thing that has turned you off as it has stopped dead any natural progression of your feelings for him. I never really thought about it like that... I had a similar issue ... maybe it is not about "wrong person". It is about "too fast"... no suspence... no challenge at all.... As funny as it sounds - it could also be in issue.
fred123 Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 I also understand your unattraction. Dating and relationships can just move too fast sometimes into the 'deep' bit rather than resting at the 'fun' bit. Years down the line this guy would be great..attentive (maybe less ILY's as several times a day is a bit much), in love and a great guy but 6 months in you are his everything - flattering - yes but that is all of the pressure on your shoulders. The thing is that half of the fun of relationships is the challenge and women like a challenge just the same as men do. Being too 'there, available, over mushy' can all be huge turn offs and can make a person feel smothered and suffocated. He is a fair few pages deeper and more invested in this relationship than you are. If the relationship had a more natural and fun flow to it I think you would be developing feelings for him..at your own rate. As it is he has piled pressure on by being too vocal with you. He thinks you like it but actually his vocality is the very thing that has turned you off as it has stopped dead any natural progression of your feelings for him. totally disagree. with respectfully. 6 months they are going out. now you say cos he wqs too fast. what if the next guy she meets her feelings progress 10 times more quicker and she is in love with him? it has nothing to do with him being too fast and letting feelings happen naturally at her own pace. what if he had to wait 3 years for her feelings to progress? thats wrong. she will meet a guy and her feelings will happen naturally quicker. your advice has too many holes in it 1
Joaquin Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 I used to think like that about people. Worried how they'd cope if I broke it off. Then after the break I'd inevitably see them out with someone new looking happy and realise people move on and that I probably wasn't all that after all. 2
d0nnivain Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 If you are not feeling it, you are not feeling it. He will survive if you break up with him. It's only been 6 months. However, you mentioned that he bought a plane ticket to come to this wedding. Those are expensive. IMO, if you break up with him you do need to discuss reimbursing him for that ticket. If he can get a refund that would be one thing but the classy thing to do it not let him take the financial hit because you changed your mind. 2
Author CorridorE Posted September 21, 2014 Author Posted September 21, 2014 Hey, so sorry to hear about your predicament. Sounds like a nightmare. I might not be the greatest person to give advice, but this is how I see it. I think you just have to tell him. It is unfair to you both to let this continue. The longer it goes on the harder it will get. I would do it before this wedding as there will be so many awkward conversations with your family and also taking him would give him much more false hope. I would sort this out before the wedding. Obviously you would handle this so very delicately. He will be very emotional so be there for him, but just don't fold. You know what you want. That aside, do you mind if I ask what changed. You really liked him, but now you don't? No I don't mind. I'm honestly not sure when it started to happen. And I feel bad because I know that so many people end up on the other side of this situation, blindsided and confused of what happened to cause the end of the relationship. He didn't do anything wrong, if anything, he's done everything right. But the more I get to know him, the more I know I don't see a future for us and I can't help feeling that way. I can't fall in love with him just because he loves me. There are other contributing factors besides the ones I described to why I don't think it'll work. One of the most important being (and I originally left this out because I didn't want to sound shallow or cruel) there is an intelligence gap between us. He was homeschooled and never pursued a degree, so basically has no formal education. And this in itself might bother me if he didn't have a good job, but he does. He is a manager at a company, having started out with an entry level position and slowly moving up in the ranks over the course of many years, and I'm proud of him for that. Considering this, not having an education in itself doesn't bother me - but when we talk, sometimes it's very evident to me. I find myself having to phrase things differently than I normally would so he'll understand, and he lacks some common sense and, basically, the ability to put two and two together. I have to give him drawn out explanations to things that other people would be able to pick up from context or from previous knowledge, and it becomes exhausting sometimes. He's a really great guy, but long term I do think I need someone who will challenge me more intellectually, if that makes sense. 2
Author CorridorE Posted September 21, 2014 Author Posted September 21, 2014 totally disagree. with respectfully. 6 months they are going out. now you say cos he wqs too fast. what if the next guy she meets her feelings progress 10 times more quicker and she is in love with him? it has nothing to do with him being too fast and letting feelings happen naturally at her own pace. what if he had to wait 3 years for her feelings to progress? thats wrong. she will meet a guy and her feelings will happen naturally quicker. your advice has too many holes in it I tend to agree here. I don't feel scared away or overly pressured by how quickly he moved, and I agree that if I was completely into him I'm sure I would love the attention and the pace of the relationship. I don't think he really did anything wrong, and when he meets someone right for him, she'll enjoy it. I do think the clinginess does factor in a bit though. And that's something we have talked about. He enjoys talking about things like honeymoon locations, baby names, and Christmas/New Years plans, and while I've politely discussed with him that I wish we could just focus on now and think about that later, he doesn't seem to be able to (he started talking about these things within the first two months of the relationship.)
Jules Dash Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 I tend to agree here. I don't feel scared away or overly pressured by how quickly he moved, and I agree that if I was completely into him I'm sure I would love the attention and the pace of the relationship. I don't think he really did anything wrong, and when he meets someone right for him, she'll enjoy it. I do think the clinginess does factor in a bit though. And that's something we have talked about. He enjoys talking about things like honeymoon locations, baby names, and Christmas/New Years plans, and while I've politely discussed with him that I wish we could just focus on now and think about that later, he doesn't seem to be able to (he started talking about these things within the first two months of the relationship.) He sounds way too intense for such a short period. I wonder if he is still affected by his ex and caught up in trying to move his memories away from her - not that you are not someone to cry over or anything. 1
preraph Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 The longer he's invested, the more it will hurt him, so the sooner you break it off and go completely "no contact," the better. You are going to hurt him, but listen we all get hurt in breakups. Everyone. It has to happen to him before he can even develop and fully mature. You are going to have to be brutal and tell him the truth. Tell him that when he tells you he feels this electric chemistry or connection, that you simply do not feel it even though you love him as a person, and that you feel that he deserves someone who reciprocates his love and that connection fully. You have to tell him your feelings have diminished greatly or he's going to hang on to those moments of "I KNOW she loves me." No contact once you are fully honest with him so he can heal and stop eventually hanging on.
mightycpa Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 (edited) The common wisdom he would hear on the breakup forum if he related his tale of woe in a thread entitled "she broke it off before a wedding trip" would be that you were interested in someone else, and probably took someone else on the trip. No way you could simply be "not interested." So you have to plan your breakup words accordingly, if it is important to you that he understands the truth. Speaking from both personal experience and what I've read here, you need to be pretty straightforward, and you need to tell him that you've never loved him and you never will and he deserves someone who does. Maybe even tell him you're going to start dating again immediately, so don't be surprised if he hears about it. I assume, based on your OP that you've never uttered those three words, right? Because that will make it a lot more understandable than if you have to take it all back. Either way, he'll be hurt, but he needs to get it that you didn't love him, even if he wonders why. Of course it's going to hurt him, but he'll survive, just like all the rest of us have. Edited September 21, 2014 by mightycpa 1
preraph Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 One more thought: It might help you to know that whatever is making him so crying and falling apart at the least separation isn't really about you. He will take that with him into the next relationship. Maybe he had some abandonment issues as a kid, who knows. Anyway, he needs to deal with that before he can really have a good relationship, and a breakup will hopefully make him start asking himself whether it's normal for him to be quite that needy. 1
GemmaUK Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 totally disagree. with respectfully. 6 months they are going out. now you say cos he wqs too fast. what if the next guy she meets her feelings progress 10 times more quicker and she is in love with him? it has nothing to do with him being too fast and letting feelings happen naturally at her own pace. what if he had to wait 3 years for her feelings to progress? thats wrong. she will meet a guy and her feelings will happen naturally quicker. your advice has too many holes in it This site is about opinions and experiences. I am only posting opinions on y own experiences. They are not 'wrong' but just different to your own. 1
Assasda Posted September 21, 2014 Posted September 21, 2014 This site is about opinions and experiences. I am only posting opinions on y own experiences. They are not 'wrong' but just different to your own. hahaha, Dont even pay "fred" any mind. Ive stop responding to his posts a long time ago
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