Am I delusional? or could this work?

[whichwayisup]

Because between the violent mood swings from pre-menopause symptoms, and the sadness/depression associated with this guy, I am positive, I have gone insane. I simply don't know how to get my sanity back :-( I need an IC or something. Thank you for the best wishes.

 

ALL the more reason to cut him out of your life. He makes you feel bad, he's toxic for you.

 

If you had a woman friend who made you feel like that, wouldn't you want to end the friendship and cut that person out of your life?

 

Please really think about what it is you're actually getting out this and from him. You're ready for counseling because of this MM! That's not healthy at all.

[Lovemesomehim]

Because between the violent mood swings from pre-menopause symptoms, and the sadness/depression associated with this guy, I am positive, I have gone insane. I simply don't know how to get my sanity back :-( I need an IC or something. Thank you for the best wishes.

 

You get your sanity back by dismissing him from your life.

You get your sanity back by being true to yourself.

You get your sanity back by addressing the issue that led you where you are today.

You get your sanity back by evaluating your marriage and seeing if staying married is feasible.

 

Not necessarily in this order.

 

If this affair is causing more headache than happiness, why invite it into your life where it becomes more of a hassle than enjoyment?

[yakamoz]

You get your sanity back by dismissing him from your life.

You get your sanity back by being true to yourself.

You get your sanity back by addressing the issue that led you where you are today.

You get your sanity back by evaluating your marriage and seeing if staying married is feasible.

 

Not necessarily in this order.

 

If this affair is causing more headache than happiness, why invite it into your life where it becomes more of a hassle than enjoyment?

 

 

 

Thank you, I am trying to do at least 3 out of the 4! Problem is, I can't dismiss him from my life right now. I see him everyday and I have to interact with him every day. I need to find a way to change my thinking about him. I need to be able to interact with him and not have any emotional response to it. I really don't understand why I am so attracted to this guy. I have tried being cold, being warm, being friendly, being indifferent, being angry, being sad - the result is always the same. I am stuck on him. I once dreamt about him straight 2 weeks, every night! How weird is that? This last week, for few days, I have been able to have an interaction with him in a very friendly way but with no emotional pain. I am hoping, maybe this time, I have turned the corner. I understand how harmful and toxic this situation is for me and I am really angry at myself for not being able to control it. His behavior, of course, doesn't help.

[onemanband]

Ask yourself what do you want out of this? If you don't remove yourself you can't work on your issues, look at the pros and cons if you think u are in turmoil just wait till d day what your going though now doesn't even tip the scales read in the infidelity section and read the pain these people go through years of questions why.when where what did I do , this is something u can never get back your husband may forgive u but won't forget and worst of all he will never I mean never love you or look at you the same is it worth it , ask yourself I hope you can make the right choice

[MuddyRock]

You continue to disrespect your husband every day you still work with him.

 

Do you value your job more then your husband?

[Be_Strong]

The reason you think you are going insane is because you desperately want to have an affair with your boss while simultaneously trying to convince yourself that you don't. Stop denying what you want. Instead, admit that you want to have an affair and then work on getting to the root of why you find yourself in this position. Go to IC and also MC with your husband. Be honest with them so you'll have a chance at actually fixing this issue.

[yakamoz]

Ask yourself what do you want out of this? If you don't remove yourself you can't work on your issues, look at the pros and cons if you think u are in turmoil just wait till d day what your going though now doesn't even tip the scales read in the infidelity section and read the pain these people go through years of questions why.when where what did I do , this is something u can never get back your husband may forgive u but won't forget and worst of all he will never I mean never love you or look at you the same is it worth it , ask yourself I hope you can make the right choice

 

Thank you for your comment. There won't be any D days. I already know there will not be anything further between us. My issue right now is to move on emotionally so I no longer feel anything for him. I think I am finally starting to do that.

[yakamoz]

You continue to disrespect your husband every day you still work with him.

 

Do you value your job more then your husband?

 

 

It is not that I value my job more than my husband. I am making an effort to transfer to another unit. I asked and he would not ok it this year. He promised I will be able to transfer next year by this time. I will not quit my job however, regardless of what happens between us. I was unemployed for two years and it devastated me. I don't think my H would agree to it either. I will move as soon as I can to another unit.

[yakamoz]

The reason you think you are going insane is because you desperately want to have an affair with your boss while simultaneously trying to convince yourself that you don't. Stop denying what you want. Instead, admit that you want to have an affair and then work on getting to the root of why you find yourself in this position. Go to IC and also MC with your husband. Be honest with them so you'll have a chance at actually fixing this issue.

 

Thank you bestrong, I did want to have an affair with him, I never denied that. Thankfully, it did not happen and I am ok with that now. My problem now is how to move on while I am in constant contact with him.

 

 

I get paid to analyze things, so believe me I analyzed my situation inside out, upside down. I know exactly why I am in this position. Perhaps, one good thing that came out of this episode in my life is that it allowed me to see what is going on with me as a person. However, knowing how something happens doesn't help you much in extracting yourself out of the situation.

 

 

This will be long but I wanted to post about this because some people on this site have a very black and white view of the affairs. I don't believe most people plan on having affairs and I never ever thought I would be in the situation I am in today. I believe this is happening to me for several reasons:

First, I grew up in a very strict family where academic success was everything. So growing up, that is all I was ever focused on. Eventually, my whole identity got tied up with how successful I was academically and professionally. I lived overseas for several years and when I came back to the U.S. in 2008, I was out of job for 3 years. Along with my finances, it decimated my self esteem. No matter what I did, I could not find anything for the longest time. I was severely depressed for at least 2 years. I gained and lost 50 lbs, lost 60% of my hair and was suicidal for a while. My H did all he could but I always made more than he did and his efforts were limited. Once, an elderly gentleman said to me that the most painful thing in life was to come to a certain point and realize you never fulfilled your potential. I felt like a total loser. So then, I found this job. I was attracted to my boss from the first few minutes of meeting him but I fell hard for him because he gave me validation on professional level that I was starving for. For the first time in 3 years, someone showered me with complements and praises on a professional level - told me how brilliant my work was, how intelligent I was, how impressed he was. I got awards, promotions. He built my self esteem and once more I started seeing myself a successful, independent and a smart woman. But now I see, he also got me at my most vulnerable, at a lowest point I have ever been in my life. So when he also started paying attention to me as a woman, I never really had a chance. Yes, my H loves me and tells me I am beautiful but I know my husband loves me regardless of what I look like. Getting this attention from another man who is much younger and very successful and attractive is intoxicating and quite addictive. I am a shy person - if he didn't start giving me all this attention, complements, flirting and other signs that he was physically attracted, this would have stayed a simple crush and I would have move on.

 

 

Second reason has to do with what was going on in my marriage and my relationship with my H. Unlike what most people here think, not everyone cheat or think about it because they are unhappy in their marriage. I think I have a happy marriage and I do love my husband. He is 7 years younger than me, just like my boss; he is a very attractive man, just like my boss; he adores me and puts me on a pedestal just like my boss does at work; he is sensitive, understanding, kind, genuinely a nice guy, just like my boss. See the pattern, I fell for my husband's carbon copy. I got validation at home from my H and validation from my boss at work.

 

 

I do see some issues which need to be addressed and I have discussed them with my H and we will be fixing them. My H is the dreamer, he is artistic and has many hobbies (which I love because I am not like that). I always let him follow his heart and chase his hobbies. I am the analytical partner who controls and takes care of things. I take care of my parents, the household, our finances, my child's school work etc...Well, I think I have been resenting taking care of everything and everybody and feel responsible for everything that goes wrong. So this was my own little fantasy - getting away from all that was happening and my burdens. Well, fantasy is over, I am in reality now. I wanted to share this not as an excuse for my behavior which was bad and so out of character for me but just to explain my state of mind. I know and accept that I had an EA with my boss. The fact that it didn't turn into PA is not a consolation to me since I know deep down that it would have if he made a move. Perhaps, what I went thru and why would help some hurting soul here.

I am continuing to have an improvement I think. I have been able to interact with him this week with emotional neutrality that I never had before. So, perhaps, I am starting to recover after all and dodged a bullet. Thank you for reading, I know it is long.

Edited September 24, 2014 by yakamoz

[loveboid]

Well that explains a lot. You were in a vulnerable state.

 

It's very possible that he likes this just as it is and never intends to make a move, and should you make a move he will pass and play Keep Away forever.

 

I've had attractions and working in IT there is a lot of turnover. When people leave so do those feelings. It doesn't mean they weren't real. It's likely that you're able to hurt each other's feelings very badly at this point with a mean word. Just that there are other, higher priorities in life at the end of the day, literally.

 

It's possible that you're in infatuation. This is an insecure type of idealization of you to him and him to you and a lot of the stress would be from trying to keep up this unrealistic image. It's nice to just let it go and that's why leaving the company (you or him) results in a calmer state of mind. In one way infatuation is good because you're doing your best at your job and as you said you need to succeed. So maybe you are doing yourself a favor here in that respect. I think you've already recognized the positive effect so I would take the good and leave the bad.

[loveboid]

Also, in my personal research on infatuation it's not a gender thing. Throughout history experts and artists have become infatuated and admire a peer's work of the same sex. It really could be a professional admiration that if you were of the same sex and had no sexual attraction would be easier for you to see.

 

At work I see this a lot, where people with skill are highly admired. Even if someone is physically attractive, if they are not that skilled or driven they don't get that infatuation level of attention.

[onemanband]

You were referring to him just like my boss but would your boss even looked at you when you were overweight and your hair falling out he isn't a carbon copy u only saw the positive side of him but since you get paid to analyze things you really saw the negative you just didn't realize it .from your last post it looks like your moving forward but you need to stop with all the praise of your boss he's not that special but your husband is,keep moving forward and don't look back good luck once again

Edited September 24, 2014 by onemanband

[onemanband]

Forget a bullet U stepped on a land mind and it didn't go off lol

[yakamoz]

Also, in my personal research on infatuation it's not a gender thing. Throughout history experts and artists have become infatuated and admire a peer's work of the same sex. It really could be a professional admiration that if you were of the same sex and had no sexual attraction would be easier for you to see.

 

At work I see this a lot, where people with skill are highly admired. Even if someone is physically attractive, if they are not that skilled or driven they don't get that infatuation level of attention.

 

 

This is interesting. I would agree we have mutual professional admiration. I think he also got an ego stroke from me because he was a new manager and I do have quite a bit experience over him. He was on a fast track and got two promotions in two years which caused a lot of resentment in the company. So he needed assurance too and I think I gave him that.

[yakamoz]

Forget a bullet U stepped on a land mind and it didn't go off lol

 

Or maybe I just stepped aside. There may be more landmines around. I just need to figure out a way to not step on them.

[yakamoz]

You were referring to him just like my boss but would your boss even looked at you when you were overweight and your hair falling out he isn't a carbon copy u only saw the positive side of him but since you get paid to analyze things you really saw the negative you just didn't realize it .from your last post it looks like your moving forward but you need to stop with all the praise of your boss he's not that special but your husband is,keep moving forward and don't look back good luck once again

 

I do see his negatives. However, he truly is a good boss and I can't take that away from him. He is very much loved and admired by almost everyone. I think very few managers are capable of inspiring loyalty in people and he has the skill. Having said that, he was my boss, he could have make the choice of not moving this along. When I made my disclosure, I was expecting and prepared for him to close the door on this and tell me 'let's be professional'. Instead, he chose to take things further. It only lasted few weeks for him to snap out of the fantasy but it really increased my feelings and end up hurting me more. In the end, he didn't have the decency to sit me down and tell me 'as much as I like you, we can't do this'. No, instead he gave me messages, signs and clues that he was back being into his wife. It was very painful to deal with the whole thing. In the end, he is a better person than I am though. He did end it.

In any case, I need to stop hating myself and move on, concentrate on my family and career. The problem is, he has been such a big influence in my career so far that I really can't afford to dislike him right now. This is why I am trying to find a way to continue having a some sort of a relationship with him. I know it may not be possible though.

[lostolint]

yakamoz, I've read through many of your posts, as I am searching for how to not feel like we're all doomed to fail in long term relationships. For two years, it seems to me, that you have been waiting for someone or something else to end your torment. For example, when you decided to finally confront your boss, you noted that you thought he would close the door, which is probably what your rational side wanted him to do.

 

My stance currently is that only you have control over your own torment. For nearly two years you decided to live with it, because the torment was only on you but it was OK because you were not acting on it, "yet" and "hopefully". But as I was reading your past posts, all I could think was how unfair that was to both yourself and your family. Think of how much energy was wasted living in and traversing through that torment. Just honestly ponder what better use that time and mental energy could have been used for!

 

I get now, more than ever, how human's can not help but developing a crush on someone outside their relationship when life presents such an opportunity, but it is only up to you, only you, to do something about it, quickly, honestly and decisively. You mentioned that you have not gone to therapy, instead seeked help here and perhaps other web sites. While the internet can be enlightening and give perspective, it is not structured enough to help most of us. Seek a professional, and understand that you may need to tell your story to a handful of professionals before you find the one that fits you. While it's a shame that, for whatever reason, you decided not to seek professional help 2 years ago, do it now, today!

 

Now I need to run, because my therapy session starts in 30 minutes..

[yakamoz]

yakamoz, I've read through many of your posts, as I am searching for how to not feel like we're all doomed to fail in long term relationships. For two years, it seems to me, that you have been waiting for someone or something else to end your torment. For example, when you decided to finally confront your boss, you noted that you thought he would close the door, which is probably what your rational side wanted him to do.

 

My stance currently is that only you have control over your own torment. For nearly two years you decided to live with it, because the torment was only on you but it was OK because you were not acting on it, "yet" and "hopefully". But as I was reading your past posts, all I could think was how unfair that was to both yourself and your family. Think of how much energy was wasted living in and traversing through that torment. Just honestly ponder what better use that time and mental energy could have been used for!

 

I get now, more than ever, how human's can not help but developing a crush on someone outside their relationship when life presents such an opportunity, but it is only up to you, only you, to do something about it, quickly, honestly and decisively. You mentioned that you have not gone to therapy, instead seeked help here and perhaps other web sites. While the internet can be enlightening and give perspective, it is not structured enough to help most of us. Seek a professional, and understand that you may need to tell your story to a handful of professionals before you find the one that fits you. While it's a shame that, for whatever reason, you decided not to seek professional help 2 years ago, do it now, today!

 

Now I need to run, use my therapy session starts in 30 minutes..

 

 

Thank you. I have come to the conclusion a while back that I am not capable of ending this. It isn't because I don't try. I do, I get up everyday with intention of keeping things at bay and everyday, I fail at it. I feel horrible about the energy I waste on this. In the beginning, I kept thinking this is a crush and eventually it will run its course and it will end. Now, I am not so sure. I agree, therapy would probably help. It is simply not an option right now. The other thing that can end it is moving to another unit. That will happen next year so I just need to suffer thru it for another 6+ months.

There is also the painful but effective solution that he starts ignoring me. This may be happening currently. Recent few days have been painful. His interest has shifted to another co-worker. I now see him in her office all the time and he actively avoids me. This is very painful. I feel better when I have some friendly low contact with him. I also don't understand how men can turn off their emotions so fast. How do you really like somebody so much one minute and then decide you don't like them anymore the next? Or are men better at pushing their emotions away? My limerence goes into over drive when I think he is interested in someone else or ignores me like this. My rational mind sees how toxic these feelings are for me. I hate the mental energy and emotions I waste on this. Hate it so much.