Your Top 5 Absolute Red Flags????

[acrosstheuniverse]

This I agree with. First, it's impossible to foresee *all* of a person's red flags when you first meet. Some red flags unfold the more time you get to know someone. That's just what happens...unless the person has no filter and discloses some of their serious red flags right away (in which case, makes your exit far easier and quicker). Second, once you discover that person's red flags why would you choose your ex again if you knew then what you know now?

 

I think you can definitely develop new red flags to watch out for as you get older and progress through other relationships too. For example my last two boyfriends had both never had a relationship and were in their mid-twenties when we got together. Eventually after 6 months-2 years both of them dumped me, saying they couldn't handle the pressure of a relationship and weren't ready and needed to be alone blah blah, in the future I would never have a relationship with somebody who hadn't by their mid twenties had at least one or two relationships. I don't want to be someone's guinea pig again and there's usually a good reason why they haven't had a girlfriend up until that point.

 

They also change during your life too depending on what you want. When I was younger I didn't care what somebody did for a living. Now I'm older with my own career, I do, because I'm mid-twenties an know that I eventually want a family (in my thirties) and I don't want to be struggling for money constantly. Even without kids I don't want to be the sole provider while my partner works a minimum wage jobs, unable to go on holidays together or enjoy life without it being an uphill struggle. In the future I wouldn't consider a guy who was in a minimum wage dead end job but in the past it's never been a consideration. And I'm really not talking earning tonnes, or even near to the national average (which to somebody like me who has struggled through minimum wage jobs is still a decent amount of money), I'm just talking earning a couple of quid per hour above minimum because I know how impossible it is to live a regular life on so little money without accruing debt.

[Haydn]

Those would be a red flag. Or a quiet night in, in Walthamstow.

 

 

 

Being that you are in Battersea....It's fair to say you've literally gone to the dogs mate See what I did there?

 

I left London over a decade ago (East end born), and now live in Canada.

 

Oi Oi...I see that country has gone down the crapper now, with stabbing, acid attacks, guns, knives etc. May the last person please turn the lights off. Scotland lost the plot by not voting YES

[amaysngrace]

Red Flags...

 

makes plans for three months from now in the very beginning of the relationship

 

sees me talking to a man and asks a bunch of questions at any point in the relationship

 

does not believe in a higher power

 

speaks poorly of too many people

 

does not like the beach

[sillyanswer]

What are your 5 absolute deal breaker red flags??????

 

Smoking. If she smokes I'm out.

Pets that I'm allergic to.

Bad in bed.

 

I'll try and work around a lot of other stuff, so long as it's balanced by good stuff.

[singsparkles]

1) Flightyness (disappearing or not being consistent/reliable/stable)

2) Dishonesty, lying

3) Immaturity (not being emotionally mature, choosing friends over you constantly, running around still acting like a little kid)

4) Manipulation & emotional abuse (making everything always seem like your fault to get themselves off the hook, trying to make you feel bad about everything)

5) Fighting with their mother or family members repeatedly (not having a good relationship with family)

6) Disrespect (not respecting your feelings and making a joke out of your feelings and everything you feel as if its "stupid")

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I just realized my reply here a while back was arse backwards... So here is what I should have stated.

 

#1 Lives in a trailer park with beer guzzling bro and easily confused when she reads the paper.

 

#2 Does not wear knickers in public and it shows.

 

#3 Constantly puts things in her purse whether or not she owns them.

 

#4 Chews tobacco. Sorry, it just ain't right.

 

#5 Her whole town is made up of her family and cousins.

[salparadise]

Red Flags...

makes plans for three months from now in the very beginning of the relationship

sees me talking to a man and asks a bunch of questions at any point in the relationship

does not believe in a higher power

speaks poorly of too many people

does not like the beach

 

OMG, you forgot "love to laugh." Maybe a preacher whose sermons border on standup comic routines, has a beachfront congregation... and talks a blue streak to all the church ladies, since neither of you would be prone to jealousy.

[Toodaloo]

Kids do grow up, and don't bark all night pissing off the neighbours. You have to constantly pick up after your pets i.e. they are entitled all their lives. Kids become self sufficient officially at age 18 when they can vote.

 

...and then the little s7%ts hit 16 and start rowing with their parents, drinking and having parties chucking their tins over the fence, then they start driving and reving their cars up and crashing them...

 

Oh...pets smell never goes away, and well of course owners can never smell it. Gross

 

Mens pee also smells STRONG. The first one in the morning is like asparagus gone wrong. Urgh! I made my ex go and pee down by the chook pen to scare away the fox and it worked...

 

Just sayin'

[Absinthe]

Kids do grow up, and don't bark all night pissing off the neighbours. You have to constantly pick up after your pets i.e. they are entitled all their lives. Kids become self sufficient officially at age 18 when they can vote.

 

Oh...pets smell never goes away, and well of course owners can never smell it. Gross

 

Considering the most common pets live around 12-15 years and the average teenager isn't independent I am not sure where your comparison is coming from here... also kids these days can be a drain of resources well into their 30s ...

 

onto my red flags...

 

1) EVERYONE you introduce him to dislikes him. Not that many people can have that bad judgement.

2) He's rude to waiters, his mother, the postman...

3) He doesn't have ANY friends of the opposite sex

4) All of his exes hate him, or vice versa

5) My gut tells me he's bad news

[Trane]

#1 Bad breath/chain smoker

#2 Bad teeth

#3 Poor hygiene/body odor

#4 Excessive foul mouth and four letter words

#5 Excess body fat/overweight

[pteromom]

1. Negative, pessimistic, bitter attitude.

 

2. Rudeness or disrespect (of me, other people, animals, etc)

 

3. Smoking, excess drinking, or drugs

 

4. Controlling, blaming, clingy, or manipulative.

 

5. Takes life too seriously.

 

I like people who are laid back, easy to get along with, happy, friendly, accepting, and respectful. And who love pets. I could never have a pet-free life.

 

I liked the comment someone made about "Likes the furniture more than the pet" or something like that.

[Quiet Storm]

I'm married, but the following are what I tell my kids to watch out for. It's important for me to say that I do understand that family of origin issues, addiction, self esteem issues can be overcome. When I mention them below, I am talking about unresolved issues. Issues that still have an impact on their lives and their interactions with others.

 

1) Dysfunctional family. I myself am from one, and it's very difficult and requires much insight & introspection to avoid the trickle down effect. I would also include childhood abuse in this, because it often does create problems in adulthood that are very difficult for spouses to deal with.

2) Poor coping skills. How do they handle adversity, conflict, disappointment? After an argument, do they punch a wall or go for a jog?

3) Lying or other dishonest behavior, especially when there is no logical reason. It's one thing to call out of work sick, but if they are telling lies about their life, their accomplishments, their history, etc., then they will certainly lie to you and about you. Cheating, stealing, would fall into this, as well. The more people lie, cheat, steal, the easier it gets.

4) Addiction, alcoholism, eating disorders, cutting...basically anything self destructive or self sabatoging

5) Low self worth and/or excessive need for validation, admiration, attention

6) Mental illness, especially personality disorders and issues involving mood swings, impulsive behavior and requiring medication. I would also be wary of the ability to detach emotionally. People detach to avoid feelings, which can be helpful in some situations, but it's also negative when used to avoid feeling guilty or to avoid taking responsibility.

 

I also agree with others on the pet thing. I would question the character of anyone who bases a pets value on their ability to talk and take care of them when they are old. Whenever I hear people say things like "It's just a dog" or trivializes the relationships people have with their pets, I avoid that person.

 

I have kids and pets. While I would certainly rescue my children before my pets in a burning building, that does not diminish their value to me and my family. They are family members and bring us joy, affection, laughter, companionship, protection and comfort (as a child, my dog scared away a man that tried to pull me into a car). For me, it's not about saving every bug or not eating hamburgers. It's about a bond, a connection, family, responsibility. I could not be with someone that trivializes it or minimizes the impact pets have on their families.

 

We all have a right to our preferences and likes/dislikes, and pets don't fit the lifestyle of many people. I understand and respect that. What bothers me, is the superior attitude, the "just a dog" mentality (pets are worthless because they can't talk, clean up after themselves, don't grow up & move out, are dinner in some cultures, etc.) It would make me question how they see people, and if they also judge a person's value based on "what can this person do for me?". Does this person value individual traits, connection, emotional bonds, family? Or is it all about filling a role in their life?

[amaysngrace]

OMG, you forgot "love to laugh." Maybe a preacher whose sermons border on standup comic routines, has a beachfront congregation... and talks a blue streak to all the church ladies, since neither of you would be prone to jealousy.

 

I forgot one....morons...

 

thanks for reminding me.

[MissBee]

As some of you might know, the true definition of insanity is: Repeating the same mistake over and over, whilst expecting a different result.

 

For those that have been married before or been in LTRs that end....it will be a no brainer to have lessons learned, and to want to emulate what you had.

 

So with that said, your red flags should be what guides you moving forward. As a divorced man (I ended my relation by the way...just to point this out), who is moving forward, here are my absolute top 5:

 

1. Needs to have a professional career i.e. earning potential and not just a job. Why is this important? Think alimony / spousal support and the divorce act rules that govern it

 

2. Absolute no smoker / drug user (yes that includes weed etc), heavy drinker, vulgar/swearing, bipolar, flaky

 

3. They are officially divorced or plain single (no separated business) i.e. no unfinished business with an ex or still go over there

 

4. If they have kids (not more than 2 by the way, as I have only 1), they have them 50-50. As someone who was made to fight for the 50% time, I now have a clear understand of how family law works, and realize some people want sole for table amount, and the law also allows for a woman to double dip from a step parent if new relationship breaks down. I narrowly escaped this...phew

 

5. They have dogs/cats...this won't work for me, and I realize that 1 in every 2 women have dogs/cats as evident in profiles and on the street. I don't want to be diversifying funds towards a vet, have a dog jump on my bed/couch, stink up the house, annoying the neighbours etc.

 

My list in longer than this, but these are the 5 as mentioned

 

What are your 5 absolute deal breaker red flags??????

 

It seems you've listed your preferences not red flags, i.e. things that warn you that a person may have things potentially wrong with them.

 

Deal breakers and red flags aren't quite the same. A red flag is a behavior, attitude, action, some kind of sign in how they act, what they say, do, what you observe that can clue you in that something isn't quite right.

 

For me, red flags, if I have to just say 5 include:

 

1) You hate your ex and every ex is demonised and did you wrong but you have no insight into your role in the demise of any of your relationships. When I meet a man who speaks ill of all his exes and doesn't seem to ever be at fault or own ANY part in his relationship failures that to me is a sign that he may not be self-aware and blame shifts and nothing is ever his fault and with someone like that it is difficult to work on issues.

 

2)You are too quick to be in love or start planning the future, within a few dates. This is a major red flag for me as you're someone who is a future faker or fast-forwarder who is more in love with the idea of love than actually being in reality and getting to know me. Instead you are more content to idealize me and discuss marriage and babies and the rest when we don't know each other. That time of false intimacy never bodes well and that type of thing usually comes crashing down as quickly as it heated up.

 

3)Exhibits any kind of controlling, possessive jealous behaviors like questioning my whereabouts, calling me multiple times if I don't answer and texting and leaving voicemails on top of it, asking to see my phone or any other type of controlling and jealous behavior esp early on before we're official makes me RUN the other way from such a person as this speaks of insecurity and the potential to be abusive in the future.

 

4)You express any kind of bigoted ideas: whether it is homophobia, racism, sexism, you hate poor people, the list goes on. When I'm dating a man if I hear him express any ideas that makes him believe he is superior to others or they are naturally inferior or he stereotypes groups of people negatively and especially if its based on ignorance....NEXT...I have NO tolerance for that kind of narrow-minded thinking as well as any kind of hate-speech. Add to this men who think feminism is akin to man-hating and who seek to blame everything on this spectral monster called feminism....NEXT...I find these attitudes all too telling of a particular personality type and that type isn't my type. Or atheists who disparage the religious or the religious who disparage people who believe differently...all of it...I can't do it.

 

5)Constant talk about money: whether it is constantly lamenting the cost of things, being up in arms about who pays for dates, pinching pennies etc. Nope. Can't do it. Cheapness and miserliness is a behavior that tends to reflect in other areas of the relationship so once I see these types of things early on I am apt to cut it off because I can't do it.

 

6) You claim you can't get along with people of your own gender and thus ALL your friends are opposite sex friends, who coincidentally, you've also slept with. BYE!

Edited September 22, 2014 by MissBee

[Tayken]

...and then the little s7%ts hit 16 and start rowing with their parents, drinking and having parties chucking their tins over the fence, then they start driving and reving their cars up and crashing them...

 

 

 

Mens pee also smells STRONG. The first one in the morning is like asparagus gone wrong. Urgh! I made my ex go and pee down by the chook pen to scare away the fox and it worked...

 

Just sayin'

 

 

Your ex is NOT every man, and I think you are forgetting that diet plays a part in what comes out i.e. if you husband's diet is crap, it is bound to smell like crap...get the gist

[Taramere]

1. Signs of an anger management problem (and the more focused he is on trying to project the image of a chilled out guy, the more concerning it tends to be)

 

2. Habitual lying. Most people will lie now and again (eg usually of the "dog ate my homework" variety to get themselves out of scrapes) but if a guy seems to be full of tall stories then that's an obvious concern.

 

3. The ingratiating veneer of a salesman.

 

4. Political extremism

 

5. Misogynistic. I don't mean the odd sexist comment which most people can be guilty of at times and which is easily brushed off. I mean that brand of vexatious, relentlessly-finding-fault-with-the-female-gender misogyny which usually holds hands with an abject lack of self awareness on one side, and unashamed adherence to double standards on the other.

[sillyanswer]

Smoking. If she smokes I'm out.

Pets that I'm allergic to.

Bad in bed.

 

I'll try and work around a lot of other stuff, so long as it's balanced by good stuff.

 

I forgot "obesity". (Although I'm unlikely to get out the scales to weigh her, so I may have to approximate, but I don't just mean "a bit overweight".)

[Tayken]

Oh...just to add the one extra to my original points, the woman has to be a university graduate, none of that easy way out 2-year diploma that you see a lot of on OLD.

 

Why do you ask? As someone who narrowly escaped paying spousal support aka alimony, and know how the family court handles alimony in the case of a marriage breakdown, I know a huge disparity in income is part of a deciding factor when it comes to that claim.

 

It's simply a game of tag...the Govt doesn't want to pay anybody not working, where there is someone else that can be tag with that responsibility.

 

The longer the marriage, the more like a case for indefinite payment. If a woman has a degree and career, it helps you argue your case that she is in a position to secure good employment, compared if she is high school diploma holder or just doing odd jobs.

 

Yes...it works the same for men too. There are many being paid spousal support, and all I can say to that is that these men should be ashamed of themselves.

 

Every adult has the duty to be self sufficient bar any disability.

[GettingOver]

What would you say of someone who's taking part in a pagan cult ritual the whole night in the woods sacrificing animals in order to get their blood and worship gods who are responsible for "bringing peace into your life"?..

A HUGE red flag for me...

[Arieswoman]

When I was single and dating my 5 main red flags were ( in no particular order) -

 

1. Any kind of substance abuse - or any other addictive behaviour such as gambling.

2. Poor work ethic - can't hold down job, no ambition.

3. Dependent children - causes too many complications

4. History of cheating on women - BIG red flag !

5. Significantly overweight - indicates unhealthy attitude to own body.

 

There were more but the OP only asked for 5 !

[Redhead14]

Red Flags are often about past bad relationship experiences. Carrying over fears and projecting them into new relationships is not a healthy way to start any new relationship. For instance, thinking far ahead into a new relationship to the point of being divorced from them, will cloud the development of a relationship and possibly impede the ability to "see" that this person will or will not hurt you that way.

 

Yes, there are things you should be on the look out for in choosing a mate or spouse and they should be about character. If you find the right person who has good character and similar views and priorities, some other "flaws" can be overlooked or addressed reasonably.

 

Drug using is clearly a bad thing for any relationship and a sign that that person has deeper issues to be addressed. This would be one of the real Flags that should never be overlooked of course.

[me85]

#1) for no apparent reason, doesn't like my dog

#2) talks about his exes

#3) makes immature, disrespectful comments

#4) the majority of people I know don't like him

#5) he's obsessed with girls and always checking them out

[Mr Scorpio]

Oh...just to add the one extra to my original points, the woman has to be a university graduate, none of that easy way out 2-year diploma that you see a lot of on OLD.

 

Why do you ask? As someone who narrowly escaped paying spousal support aka alimony, and know how the family court handles alimony in the case of a marriage breakdown, I know a huge disparity in income is part of a deciding factor when it comes to that claim.

 

 

True. But in this day and age that two-year degree might out-earn the four year one. I know a gal with a 2-year RN degree who makes $70k, and plenty of un/under-employed people with 4-year degrees.

[Tayken]

Considering the most common pets live around 12-15 years and the average teenager isn't independent I am not sure where your comparison is coming from here... also kids these days can be a drain of resources well into their 30s ...

 

onto my red flags...

 

1) EVERYONE you introduce him to dislikes him. Not that many people can have that bad judgement.

2) He's rude to waiters, his mother, the postman...

3) He doesn't have ANY friends of the opposite sex

4) All of his exes hate him, or vice versa

5) My gut tells me he's bad news

 

 

When all your friends with kids are discussing the joys of having kids, going to the cottage, vacation and celebrating with them....what do you do, have a monologue with your pets?

 

Most teenagers also get a job and help with chores....do you pets help tidy up the stinky house? No they add to the mess in and out of the house....you also have to pick up their crap when you go for a walk, and hopefully you wash your hands after. Ewww

[Tayken]

True. But in this day and age that two-year degree might out-earn the four year one. I know a gal with a 2-year RN degree who makes $70k, and plenty of un/under-employed people with 4-year degrees.

 

Diploma NOT degree. The Nurse you speak of probably had to do other courses prior, and probably had work experience. Additionally, Nurses have to do 12hr shifts most of the time rotation, which means you might not get to see each other much.

 

Nurses apart, the other 2 yr diploma are just to get by, and am sure some of the women listing that on OLD are just doing that instead of saying they are high school finishers. I mean, it's not like you are going to ask to see it. However if someone is a lawyer, professional accountant, etc, they can hardly lie about their quals