When does cutting someone some slack turn into getting taken advantage of?

[Kitty04]

Hi Everyone-

 

This situation falls into one of those gray areas and I am in search of clarity. My boyfriend, possibly ex, and I are in love, but just can't seem to get things right. We've been together for almost 2 years now. He's in law school and I am getting my masters, so time is at a premium for us. I think this may be the root of our problems. I feel very taken advantage of and here's why:

 

I have always lived my life fully committed to him. I consider him in all decisions I make and look forward to our future. He, on the other hand, is divorced and fully satisfied living a completely seperate, private life and he won't let me in. I know what you are probably thinking..."But Kitty, you knew this going into this". I must disagree. When we first met, he was romantic, loving, friendly, and spoke of our future all the time. Over time, I began discovering small lies he had told me and half-truths, none of which I was ever allowed to be upset about. He typically manipulates situations into "no big deal" and will totally shut himself off from me if I try to say anything about it. We began arguing quite a bit last year, primarily my jealously and insecurity about his relationships, because I never knew what was the truth and it drove me crazy. His stories just did not add up. I trust his heart, he's just one of those guys who says anything just to keep the peace..and in retrospect I supposed I sensed he wasn't truthful all the time.

 

For a while I was difficult to deal with because I was angry that he was married to someone who was clearly the wrong choice, but I gave him my heart and soul and I felt like he was rejecting me...he began to keep me at arms length and avoid me all together. I just needed to be reassured that he wanted to be with me, because it sure didn't feel like it.

 

With his patience we worked through the problems with his ex. With the lack of time we have, I want to make sure we take advantage of being together. We went from sleeping at each other house every night, to possibly seeing each other once or twice a week. I stuck it out in anticipation of a bright future together. I can sacrifice for the one I love.

 

The problem? He is admittedly extremely selfish and very negative. A hundred things can be perfect between us but he focuses abundantly on one fight or one bad thing to the point of ruining all the good. He is this way with all things, not just our relatiosnhip. I feel he then uses it as an excuse to not want to be with me. When I catch him in a lie or he treats me poorly, like snapping at me or calling me a bad name, and I get upset about it, he just fluffs me off, saying I bitch too much or makes me feel dumb or insults me more. He NEVER, and I mean NEVER listens to me if I am upset, hurt, angry. He hangs up on me and shuts the phone off. He is one of those people that will call again in a few days and pretend everything is ok. And I can't bring it up again or the process starts all over again. He says things like "You are making me hate you" or "This is why things will never work between us". But for me, the problem never gets solved.

 

I recently tried to end things. I told him this relationship was way too one sided, I take care of him and am so dedicated to him but he gives me little in return. He doesn't even look at me when I speak. He came back to me, saying he would give it 100%, something he is not accustomed to doing. Things were great for a few days. But then I calmly brought up a situation where I felt he went behind my back with something and I got the insults thrown my way again.

 

I finally broke down today and told him that I feel awful not knowing his level of commitment to this relationship and to me. I was always afraid to talk to him about it because of course, he would perceive it as my pressuring him or something and just shut off his phone and ignore me. So this is what I asked him...

 

I tokd him I needed to know if there was a future for us or not. After 2 years of being with someone, if you arent sure of that then its time to hit the road. I was not/am not pressuring him for any immediate changes, I am not "that girl" who is demanding a ring or anything silly like that...but I am 28 and if this isn't going to someday be my partner in life I want to move on. He could only tell me "Maybe". He wasn't sure yet. And again recapped all the reasons why we shouldn't be together. Which were just excuses. We both really love each other, we value the same things, have much trust for one another and I can't imagine one day not having him by my side. I love this man so deeply. Even now, it's hard to picture not hearing his voice, smelling him, or having his arms around me ever again. It breaks my heart to imagine being without him. Its been so tough, he's so combative and argumentative...you know the type..they hate the movie you love just to argue about it!!!

 

I have mentally excused a lot of his lack of efforts and interest toward me as us being too stressed and busy with school and work. But how much of this is legitimate and how much is just me making excuses for selfishness from the man I love? Shouldn't he know by now if, someday, he sees a future with me? Or is he just stringing me along to have someone because he's too busy with school to date and meet someone new?

[johan]

It breaks my heart to imagine being without him.

 

Consider focusing more on how your heart feels now while you have him. Would it feel worse to break up or to stay together?

 

When you finally decided to move on, he actually brought a change of behavior to the table, and it lasted as long as he figured it really mattered to you. That tells me he knows how he should act with you, but he just doesn't feel compelled to. He isn't really taking you seriously, maybe because you've made it clear you don't really require him to.

 

He clearly doesn't respect you. And you can't really be in love with someone you don't respect. And I don't really think you love him, you just love who you wish he was. You can't break up with him every three days in order to keep him acting how he should. Give yourself more credit and don't settle for less than you know you should have. You're letting him waste your time. A lot of total jerks would treat you better.

[d'Arthez]

I keep it short, as johan has covered the vital points already.

 

It's all about him, but as long as he has you, he tries to keep you. He is not emotionally supportive of you, and basically it seems that you are the one who keeps this relationship afloat in the first place.

 

Dump him, you deserve better.

[helena abadi]

thank you for sharing so much of what's happening.

 

the relationship appears to be severely imbalanced. you take care of his needs, not your own at all. you nurture him, rescue him, manage the relationship. his input is minimal. you are making endless excuses for his selfishness.

 

it sounds as though he is a classic passive-aggressive. men like this don't give much, and any demands you place on him will always feel like too much for him to handle. he also won't take responsibility for his own behaviour in the relationship. period.

 

so you have to take responsibility for yourself. not him. just you. not as easy as it sounds. you are not accustomed to considering your own needs. you will have to learn it, and you may need guidance.

 

you never know where you stand with him. where is the safe ground? is the constant volatility exhausting?

 

can you imagine spending the rest of your life like this?

 

how much do you want to sacrifice?

 

a balanced relationship enchances your life, it shouldn't be about sacrifice -- which ultimately means one partner's needs are being squashed.

 

did he have one very domineering parent (mother?) and a distant father?

 

take a very big step back from him and take a long, hard look at your own life. you sound way too dependant on him. do you know how to step back? if not, please, please, get professional advice.

[moimeme]

You are hanging onto this relationship because you remember how it was at the beginning and keep hoping it will be that way again. It won't. Your situation is the classic case demonstrating why that first flush of love that occurs in the early months can't be trusted and why you need to know someone quite a while before you settle down with him. You now know the real man and the real man is no sort of person to have as a partner. Drop him and move on.

[Kitty04]

Thanks so much for all of your posts. Its been quite some time since we have spoken and he doesn't even seem to care about that! Your comments were painfully true. Thanks so much, again.

[helena abadi]

dear kitty,

 

sounds as tho you are hurting but managing. i'm glad our views were of support to you, and i wish you a more balanced relationship in the future. it really was very one-sided. i guess i'm a bit worried you may repeat the pattern. do you think that might be a possibility? anyway, i do wish you well. it will take time to heal. be kind to yourself.