Luxie Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 Hi Guys, I'm new to the forum and thought I would post this here because all the advice I've seen is very solid and right-on. Hope you can help. I want to phrase this question in a way that will keep anyone from rushing to judgment, as I'm anxious for a non-biased answer. Here's the deal: I'm 24, live-in boyfriend of year and a half is 28. He has trouble getting and keeping jobs, and is currently delivering pizzas- it's the only job he can seem to keep. I wouldn't have a problem with this if he made a good wage, but he doesn't. Tips, hours, and management are lousy. His car keeps breaking down and losing him more hours (and eventually will lose him his job). Me, I'm working 8-5 office job, 40 hrs a week, hating it but busting my butt to pay down some loans and go back to college and finish a degree that I stupidly walked out on. I'm at the point, not surprisingly, where I think the two of us living together is going to destroy our relationship. I already resent him a lot. He owes me well over 500 dollars and hasn't paid his entire half of rent in three months, yet is talking about getting a more expensive place. The car that keeps dying is one he owes me money on, and guess who spends her weekends driving him all over town trying to get it fixed? I'm just fed up. I feel as though if he really cared that much about being with me, he would get himself together. I don't feel as though I can go to him with anything, because he can hardly hold himself up much less me. He's such a wonderful person in so many ways, but I feel as though I'm operating under a 'I know you can do better' stance towards him which sickens me. I don't know if he'll ever shape up. From what I can gather of his past, he has never been very responsible. I'm at the point where I almost want to live alone if only for the self-respect factor. I don't know how to express that to him w/o making it sound like I don't love him/ want to be with him. Ultimatum time? Today I let him borrow my car (which is rare, because the last one he borrowed ended up breaking down due partly to how he drove it, I believe, and because this car is my baby)-- but he needed to get parts for his car and I didn't want to spend the whole day driving around with him. So I let him take it. Then tonight he asked to borrow it again to get his friend from the airport... I said no and he stormed out and slammed the door. I know relationships are about support and helping each other, but I feel as though it always goes one way. Am I just being petty? I know he doesn't love me for my paycheck, but sometimes I can't help but feel that I'm being made to be the grown-up here, and I hate that. How do I push him onto his own two feet (which I know are capable of holding him up) and not lose our (otherwise wonderful) relationship over this?
johan Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 He's such a wonderful person in so many ways, ... I think those other ways will mean less and less to you over time. Sooner or later you'll turn him loose, regardless of whatever advice you get here or anywhere else. I get the impression he makes you feel guilty when you choose to maintain your boundaries. For instance, when you tell him he can't use your car. That's a problem on top of his parasitism. The surefire way to find out if he would ever decide to change his ways is to make it clear he's run out of chances with you. I think you should threaten the breakup, even get it started, before you fall all the way out of love with him. That way he has a chance to show he can do it before it's too late. Don't let him get to the end of your rope, if you really care for him. Of course, that only makes sense to do if you know in your heart you can't have a future with him if he doesn't change. You have to know you'll dump him eventually if it doesn't change. And then you might as well just get on with it. Easier said than done.
Kitty04 Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 What an awful situation. Probably the last thing you need is someone saying "I had that same thing happen to me...". But guess what, I had that same thing happen to me! It feels like you become more of a mother than a girlfriend. And at your age, you shouldn't have to teach someone how to grow up. This is a severe lack of maturity, door slamming, making you feel guilty. You've enabled him and now he expects it. Like me, people are probably telling you to kick him to the curb, but we retort, "but I love him...he's got some good qualities". Focus on yourself. I am so glad to hear you are going back to school and want a better life than this. Sounds like you will soon outgrow his childish ways and realize you really do need someone to compliment your life, not ruin it. His behavior is an embarrasment. Stay strong and don't give up till you get what you need.
Author Luxie Posted March 6, 2005 Author Posted March 6, 2005 i am definitely not saying i'm not at fault, because we have some pretty immature arguments. lots of yelling and slamming things. however, he is worse than i am at the name calling. we don't get along very easily. as i said, he wants to move somewhere more expensive. an apartment opened up in our complex's attic that is nicer and pricier than ours. i really want to live there, but i don't want to pull his weight. i'm wondering if i should make this my chance? i've told him before that we need to be dating but not live together, but he doesn't seem to hear me.
d'Arthez Posted March 6, 2005 Posted March 6, 2005 Don't move in with your boyfriend in that apartment. I get the impression from your posts that he exactly knows what he is doing, and which buttons to push for you. The result is, that you allow him to remain in a dead-end career. At 28, he should be either getting a degree or have a decent job, which is not the case by far. Also his lack of job-stability is a very worrying sign. No matter how crappy a job is, it should not be to difficult to keep low-level jobs. That he can only keep one in pizza-delivery is telling a lot. Lack of responsibility is also a very worrying sign. He owes you 500$ and he wants you to move to a more expensive apartment? How is he going to pay his share of the costs, if he is unable to do that now? Today I let him borrow my car (which is rare, because the last one he borrowed ended up breaking down due partly to how he drove it, I believe, and because this car is my baby)-- but he needed to get parts for his car and I didn't want to spend the whole day driving around with him. So I let him take it. Then tonight he asked to borrow it again to get his friend from the airport... I said no and he stormed out and slammed the door. He does not want to fix his car (as it costs him money), but prefers to use yours. And if he does not get what he wants he gets angry? Classic user behavior. Is there anything positive he contributes to this relationship? Sure, he may be intelligent and witty, but if he is not pulling his weight in this relationship, you are closer to live-in FWB.
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