FML. Long story.. Your head is going to explode.

[Sour patch kid]

Ok here we go, we met in November 2011.. And fell in love hella hard. We both have had trust issues from our past relationships and all kinds of others issues that were unknown at the time.. I had kinda fell off the life is good ride and was in self destruction, drinking, drugs, dirtbag mode during this time and at one point early in our relationship I tried to break it off but it didn't work, we stayed together.. We drank and partied and all hell broke loose over the next 8 months. Everything you could imagine happened during that time.. I had my own home, business, contractors license etc. she has all her own ****. We looked great on the outside but the darkness within was very strong. Our love was stronger than humanly possible, perhaps to strong.. I did some horrible **** to her, she did horrible **** to me.

 

I don't think she ever trusted me but she has never trusted anyone because of her past" I could tell her the gods honest truth and still not be believed.. I'm just like everyone else and all that.. I never really got comfortable with her because she had a weird thing about talking about her exs a lot.. Being friends with all them.. Saying they all still love her and that she still loves them, could have any of them anytime she wanted.. Even recently she said to me that guys she dated still tell their current gf that they still love her.. I don't know about you but I didn't like that at all but I stuck it out.. Anyways, we broke up a couple times, her being the dumper and I acted out like a crazed lovesick idiot.. Until we finally split up in June-July 2012.. I went downhill and went to prison.. Right before then we hung out a few times in vain and it just kept me as a mind hostage..

 

She txt me that she wanted to see me and to come down to the bar.. I come down there just to see her and her new boyfriend holding hands. I flipped out, she even asked me to dance, I was floored.. We, I, talked **** for a while, then I went to prison for high speed chase on a street bike. I got 4 years with half time, went to fire camp and ended up doing 19 months. During that time, I wrote her and apologized over and over for my bad choices and bad behavior.. Everything. She replied with hurtful things that I didn't really take to personal because yea I had it coming.. The hurtful letters turned to undying love letters and then back to hateful during my entire term. Telling me how her boyfriend didn't F her right and all that. Came to visit me and all that too. She basically talked to me the entire time she was with him and then come to find out later other men and other shady ****. While I was locked up I let her go. I had a clinical detachment of sorts because I knew it was not the right thing to do but I was so lonely any contact was a breath of life.. It hurt me while I was locked up to be hurt that much and I wanted her to feel my pain but I let it go, I was mad at the world. I'm bipolar, PTSD and BPD.. Went without meds my whole life.. Until now. I got out she picked me up and we hung out.. My love for her didn't die, she felt the same. I let **** go, I wanted to talk things out, like what happened to us then and this and that, to try and squash the old beef we had. I got yelled at, called insecure and reminded of how horrible I was to her.. "I was just living my life etc" ok well wtf? I understand you were living your life and all that but I need to talk it out.. Needless to say it triggered me..

 

I got out February 2014 we got back together March 2014.. The triggers kept coming.. Facebook, **** Facebook. She adds me as a friend I look at her page filled with tons of pictures of her and her ex that she was still talking to and still is.. I asked her why all of these are still up six months after they split.. I wasn't cool with them being all over her page like that and even told her they are your memories, keep them but just keep them on your computer so I don't have to look at them every time I go to your page. After a while she took them down. I deleted every ex on mine, 1 ex, and let her know all my passwords to show I have nothing to hide. Then I started finding out about all the other guys, from her roommate, from stories about her adventures, she would just talk about it like nothing, like I want to hear about it in that way.. and I would say hey I'm not cool with that keep it to yourself but once it came up I felt like I had to talk it out but that didn't work out.. Just "I was living my life", you hurt me along time ago etc..

 

I found out other **** that is pretty shady that I don't feel comfortable talking about.. Let's just say my alarms were ringing my gut was screaming run away now.. My mind went to revenge mode.. How could you say you love someone so much yet be so open" with everyone.. It didn't make sense to me because I just didn't trust her at that point. I hadn't been with anyone else and I couldn't because I was so in love with her. I relapsed several times over it.. Trying to numb the pain and questioning my own sanity, was I overreacting, am I just holding on to the past? I asked her to marry me.. I wanted all the issues to go away.. I didn't want my marriage to have any secret squirrel **** in it, I didn't want to feel like I can't talk about things that were hurting me. She had already been married once before, I don't want to get divorced, not my style.. I felt like I was just another guy at this point. She would call me her "favorite" **** killed me inside.. I started a new job, I'm a Wildland firefighter. She wouldn't believe I was even at work.

 

She lost her grandma, I left work to be there for her.. I drank a beer and smoked 2 hits after a 21 day run working 16 hour days to calm down right before I was coming home to doom and gloom. She smelt it and I fessed up to it. She flipped, said her grandma would be rolling in her grave that she was with me.. Said she was gonna drop me off at her dad's house to shame me or something like that.. I went dark.. Stuck it out..went to the funeral.. Trigger, I've buried 5 family members 2 from suicide. I helped carry her grandmas casket.. She went into a no emotion state, while I was burning inside after months of triggers, I went manic and relapsed.. Everything I mean everything that had happened between us came to the surface. The werewolf took over and I remembered her telling me the only way she would leave me is if I cheated. I felt cheated on over and over again, like anything I would talk about would be put off as oh you did this and this so whatever..So I went to a friends house drunk and pissed and manic, venting, crying. We went downtown just driving around slumming. We stop at a taco shop/liquor store and post up in my old neighborhood. Looking for a fight or whatever..

 

Some hooker comes up to me and starts trying to sell herself, I called my now ex while she was talking to me and left my phone on. She heard it all and flipped. I mentally said **** you to her and went to my friends house. She said who was that, I told her it was one of her girls" long story.. Said I wanted out and then proceed to write hurtful **** to her like I want you to hate me, how does it feel etc.. Not the best way to handle it but I was literally on the verge of suicide or prison again. She blew up my Facebook with cheater, piece of ****, addict all of it.. I didn't cheat on her, I couldn't do it if I tried.. She was the love of my life, I wanted to marry her. It may be dark but I have a heart.. I was so f ing angry I let it all out. This was all on September 5th. She went through my computer looking for cheating but I never did and there was nothing even though she says she seen "hookup sites and **** like that I was like ok what is the names of these sites" nothing. She went through my email, nothing. She knows my phones password all my passwords, nothing. Everyone knows how much I absolutely loved this woman..

 

They laughed when I told them what I did because they know me and that I could have done a lot worse to her or myself. I have survived more **** than most. I am 31, 6ft, 180, cut up and good looking. No one would ever guess the amount of **** I have been through. She will believe whatever she wants and always will. I told her I had cheated on a girl back when I was like 20-21, 10 years ago when I didn't know what a relationship was and now I have been labeled cheater but I don't care anymore I know what the truth is. It's funny how blind she is to it all. She post on FB that I'm this and that and she gave me 2 almost 3 years of her love. We had only been together once for 8 months and again for 6 months.. I'm sure her last ex is like wtf? But whatever. How are you sad for almost 3 years when we only have 14 months total actually being together.. And I'm the cheater.

 

Everything has fallen on deaf ears. We talked finally after the fact and I told her that through it all I do love her. I would like to work a lot of this out through couples therapy. All I get is I ruined her life beyond repair and I did all of this, everything is my fault and I have destroyed her trust and any future of trust for her to have in anyone. I'm going to therapy and getting on meds for me. So I can have a life and not turn to the dark side. She tells me to get help and maybe in November when I'm well we can talk. She says she is going to counseling too and that she is keeping hope that we will see each other in November.

 

But until then no contact and she is doing whatever she needs to do to get on with her life. It hurts so much because I want to believe. I want to heal and have her heal and for us to heal together through real therapy.. I don't know what to do.. I am no saint but I have owned up to my mistakes and behavior.. No relationship is perfect but I believe that things can be worked out if you try.. I need some feedback, any questions you need from me just ask..

Edited September 19, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[sdrawkcaB ssA]

ARGH! My head did not explode, just my eyes hurt so bad.

 

Some how your formatting is one big arsed block of information. There is a reason why I did not become a programmer. I got lost in an endless loop trying to go back to where I got lost. I had to stop myself before I became brain locked.

 

Sorry, I could not be any of assistance... there are peeps here who can decipher such code. May take them a six pack of Dew and two bags of Extreme Doritos. But they'll figure it out for you.

[evanescentworld]

ARGH! My head did not explode, just my eyes hurt so bad.

 

Some how your formatting is one big arsed block of information. There is a reason why I did not become a programmer. I got lost in an endless loop trying to go back to where I got lost. I had to stop myself before I became brain locked.

 

Sorry, I could not be any of assistance... there are peeps here who can decipher such code. May take them a six pack of Dew and two bags of Extreme Doritos. But they'll figure it out for you.

I also gave up after reading some lines twice, and requested a Moderator edit the post for the benefit of both the OP and those wishing to assist him....

[Chi townD]

Well, first off your life is screwed up like a soup sandwich. Dude, you need to get a handle on yourself before you're good for anyone else. AND STOP GOING TO PRISON! Look how much of your life you've been wasting doing stupid sh*t!

 

 

You need to start making positive changes in your life. POSITIVE! I mean, if you think you are about to do something that's going to get you locked up, DON'T ASSUME YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH IT!! DON'T DO IT!

 

 

And you need to get your ass to counseling yourself! Don't worry about her. Geez, she about as screwed up as you are. This is extremely toxic. You need to be away from each other. Both of you enable each other. There are more women in the world than there are men and you are hung up on the one that you have to pull a number and wait your turn to spend anytime with her.

 

 

Don't worry about her. Worry about the ONLY thing you have control over in this situation and that's YOU! You state that your bi-polar and OCD or whatever. You need to get seen for that and get a handle on it all. You need to start doing some positive things. Like, volunteering. Something constructive.

 

 

Work on you right now. Don't worry about anything else.

[Chi townD]

Man, I re-read what I wrote and I'm sorry if I came across as harsh. It was just weird that your explaining your life and then talking about her and I was like, "Dude, forget about her, you need to fix you!"

 

 

Okay, so you're a guy that did some pretty stupid things in your life and you paid for it. It knocked you down. But, it doesn't mean you have to be "that guy". You can turn this all around. I mean, hell! You got a career going for you as a firefighter, keep going. Keep making improvements. Take some courses that can help you jump the chain and get a promotion there. Keep on making improvements.

 

 

And volunteer for projects that are going to help people. Like, Habitat for Humanity or your local soup kitchen. Something that's going to make you feel good knowing that you've helped someone. Believe me, it's a rewarding experience. Lose the "bad boy" image and just be you! The right girls, the nice girls are going to find that more attractive. (whenever they get over their bad boy phase, but the thing is, that phase does go away a and then you're stuck alone.)

 

 

If you turn your life around. Making positive changes, volunteering, exceling at your job, getting new (and legal) hobbies, getting your mental health problems under control. You may find out when and if she comes sniffing around that you're not interested in her or her lifestyle anymore.

[Sour patch kid]

Thank you. My mind has been spinning a bit much so it's hard to focus. Stuff has just been so weird the past few days I'm trying to heal then 2 days ago I get all these heart felt messages from her, I know it's just a game or whatever but it just sucks because I love her.. Stuff like I'll always love you and you probably hate me and all this other stuff when I don't hate her at all. As messed up as this sounds I feel like I had to shoot old yeller and he is howling from the grave.

[Zahara]

Thank you. My mind has been spinning a bit much so it's hard to focus. Stuff has just been so weird the past few days I'm trying to heal then 2 days ago I get all these heart felt messages from her, I know it's just a game or whatever but it just sucks because I love her.. Stuff like I'll always love you and you probably hate me and all this other stuff when I don't hate her at all. As messed up as this sounds I feel like I had to shoot old yeller and he is howling from the grave.

 

"Our love was stronger than humanly possible, perhaps to strong.. I did some horrible **** to her, she did horrible **** to me."

 

Read that again. Do you realize how twisted and warped that is? If that is your perception of love, then what you have with her isn't love but a toxic dependence and addiction to her. Love doesn't do horrible ****.

 

Whether you hate her or not is not the issue and whether she "loves" you or not is not the issue. The issue is that you have no capacity to manage or function in a relationship when your life is in shambles just as she cannot be a functioning partner when is as equally self-destructive as you are.

 

Granted you are hurt and in pain. But this pain is temporary. The pain you will feel having to yo-yo yourself with this woman is going to be an infinite anchor in your life. A relationship can work if two people try, not one. And change can happen only with commitment and effort and even then there is no guarantee. Don't put your life on hold.

 

Make the decision to focus on you. And nothing else.