living together now...stilll havin probs lettin go of past mistakes he's made ugh

[the_opposite_sex]

It's a never ending cycle w/ me, as those of you who have read my posts have noticed. But anyways, yeah, my b/f and I got an apartment together now. I love living w/ him, he's so much fun! I kinda wanted to do this before we got married just to see if i'd be able to put up w/ him or not. And I can, all is goin well cept for that one little thing....Im still havin probs lettin go of his past when we were split up and he slept w/ another. If you dont know the story, i'll make it short here...he had been drinkin, and he had sex w/ this girl *that he wasn't even attracted to nor wanted to be with* 3 times (not that the number of times matters). He regrets it, to him it never happened...thats how much he regrets it. I did the same thing, slept w/ another guy while we were apart, he's let that go. It's all up to me now. I use to have a huge jealousy problem, i'm gettin alot better at that. If I can just get rid of this problem here, i'd be set....

 

any advice would be most helpful!

[st8toftheheart]

I'm going through a similar thing.

 

My problem is my own insecurity and inadequacy as well as lack of trust. The lack of trust being totally unfounded. I have avoided living together because I believe that this would still be a problem and rather than uproot both of again, deal with it or move on first.

 

What I gather is that you were officially broken up, and even if he regrets it, it was his choice to make and doesn't directly affect your relationship because there wasn't one. By the same token you had a similar experience as he did so you should take what you learned from your experience and try to understand his.

 

If he had cheated on you, that's one thing, so trust would something that would have to earn, but has he done anything to have you not trust him?

 

Did you both have experience before the split? How did you deal with that and was it a problem?

 

Hope this help.

[the_opposite_sex]

he's never cheated on me, not the type AT ALL. Him and I lost our virginities to each other. The other thing that gets me tho is that i've seen this girl....she's ugly! lol Seriously, i'm not just sayin that either. She's chubby like and just not his type at all....he even said so....b/c i asked him why he didnt just hook up w/ her in a relationship sorta way and he said b/c she's not his type and he's not that attracted to her. But he screwed her??? He said he'd been drinkin that night tho...bla bla bla

 

Overall, he's a wonderful guy!! Anyone who meets him falls in love w/ him instantly. Very friendly, very outgoing, ppl person to the fullest, and he's pretty good lookin too!

[prncssfce9]

Oh dear dear me!! I think you're just being silly ... though I understand were you are coming from. I would write this off as not understanding boys more than not being able to let go.

 

Boys are interesting creatures and I'm sure you are more confused at how he could have slept with someone that repulses him and you. I don't think you are jelous as much as you are confused!

 

My boyfriend was married before and when I saw his ex-wife I was shocked!! She was UGLY. Covered in freakles, and not in a cute way, a big forehead and buck teeth ... on top of that she was rude and just plain mean!!! I am still amazed that he ever saw anything in her ... but more I was upset at first b/c I started comparing myself to her. I thought, if he likes her maybe I"M THAT GROSS TOO.

 

That is not the case, and it's most certainly not the case for you!! Boys are werid creatures, and they do very strange things ... I wouldn't let think bother you ... it was nothing!

 

The sooner you just laugh about it, (try making fun of him about it) the sooner it won't bother you at all!

 

Good Luck sweetie

[the_opposite_sex]

Yea i'm confused...just like how you felt prncssfce9, i dont understand how and WHY he did that b/c of how damn ugly she is! Not tryin to sound conceited, but i think i'm pretty! And trust me, i have made fun of him about it! So have his guy friends that he works with. He works at Best Buy and the girl he slept with works there too, just in a different dept. So all his guy friends he works with knows what this girl looks like and they think she's gross as well. BUt yea, guess you could say i was/am comparing myself...just wish it never would have happened.

[laRubiaBonita]

i went through a similar thing with my bf. we lived together when he cheated, he had actually canceled plans with me, to hang out with this girl, that he still works with.

 

it is still hard sometimes. and it has changed how i feel about him, which was the hardest thing. It is basically like starting over again and rebuilding trust, on both ends.

 

the thing that helped me, was not comparing what we have now, which is good, to what i Thought we had in the past, before he cheated. it is hard to do that.

[billybadass36]

Another take on this little tryst that he had while you two were broken up is that he could have been validating himself. He probably was unconsciously seeing if he was attractive, desirable, etc. I wouldn't dwell on it at all.

[the_opposite_sex]

billy, he's never had a very good self-image. He doesn't think he's good lookin. I dont know why he did it. He said that at the time when he'd been drinkin that she was "hot" lol then he woke up next to her and was like "WHOA!" she's NOT attractive. But the weird thing is that he had sex w/ her THREE times. If he seen she was unattractive after the first time, why'd he go back and do her another 2 times?? He regrets it like crazy *he said he regretted it right after it happened*, but c'mon! I'd understand the situation more if he'd just had done it the ONE time then be done w/ her.

 

I've asked him why he did it, and the only reason he can give me is the obvious...b/c he was horny...he doesn't really know why it happened, and it's not like him AT ALL to do something like that. He said in a way it was right b/c he was single, but then again, it wasn't right b/c he wasn't w/ the girl and didnt wanna be w/ her.

[billybadass36]

Your guy sounds a lot like me. Dude just left a serious relationship. Got drunk and banged a relatively unattractive woman to validate his sexual desireability. So he had sex with her. Does he regret it? Absolutely. Should you dwell on the fact that he had sex with her two more times after initially regretting it? No. Guy logic: After he slept with her the first time the subsequent two times don't count. It was a means to an end. If it makes you feel better, I'm sure he didn't put forth his greatest effort in pleasing this woman.

[SleepingLover]

Aye, I have been there done that.

 

However, the other factor in this could be that he did it because he needed the touch of another person. Lonlieness does that and perhaps he is lonely. Us guys can be too proud to admit that sometimes, but it happens. Sometimes it is not about the sex, itself, as it is about fulfilling a basic human need... the caressing touch of another human. He may not admit that to you or even to himself though.

[SleepingLover]

the_opposite_sex and Billy,

 

LOL looks like we are all Midwesterners... I'm in NE Indiana. Small world

 

Freaky weather here ...sheeesh.. is spring coming some day?

[Barby]

Very small world, Indiana here too....T_O_S long time no see..had wondered how things had gone for ya and your relationship!!

 

 

Honestly I must say that you probably won't like what I am going to say........

 

 

You slept with someone else...what makes what you did any better than what he did? It doesn't matter how attractive or un-attractive the "other partners" were...fact is you slept with another man and your BF was man enough to let it go and get back with you.

 

You've got to be a bigger woman and just let it go...if you hold something against him that you did yourself, it makes you seem petty and very immature. Now the thought of one's BF (even if seperated) sleeping with someone else is painful and a very hard pill to swallow......at least it's someone he wasn't attracted to so this poor girl is NOT a threat to you what-so-ever!!

 

Wouldn't it be worse if she was a "cutie or hottie" or he still works with and would see on a daily basis? Someone who was attractive and still interested in him...wouldn't you be more insecure and worried?

 

 

The best thing to do is do anything and everything you can do to let it go....you continue to dwell on this it's going to fester and could end up causing even more problems in your relationship...it happened, it's over, YOU did it to, let it go so you can enjoy having him back and enjoy the two of you living together without tension and jealousy!

[Thinkalot]

hey there...if you've ever read any of my posts from a while back, you'd know I get stuck on things in the past too...

 

I really urge you to do all in your power to let it go. Focus on the present. Live in the present and embrace the possibilities of the future.

 

He's with you, he loves you. You are the only one keeping alive a past experience/error, whatever you want to call it.

 

There are good books on how to let go etc, or else, a counsellor could help you gain perspective etc... or develop your own positive self talk, so when the thoughts about this come in, you have a way of refocussing on the present, and reminding yourself not to go there.

 

good luck!

[the_opposite_sex]

btw Sleepinglover, Billy, and Barby....i'm in Evansville

 

Well, I guess Billy's in Michigan tho, not Indiana

[SleepingLover]

Fort wayste here...ooops I mean Ft Wayne hehe